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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my period came

100 replies

24carrottop · 12/04/2017 22:10

I know I'm being unreasonable but I can't help being upset.

I have a DD who is almost 3. She was a surprise baby and very much loved.

Recently my DH and I decided to try for another child. We started trying a couple of weeks ago and I got my period today. I stupidly bought those ovulation tests and got myself stupidly excited that I might be pregnant. I feel rubbish that my period arrived today. I know a couple of friends who've suffered from secondary infertility and it weighs heavily on my mind all the time.

Because my daughter was a surprise I have no real way of knowing how long it takes me conceive if you know what I mean.

I know I'm being unreasonable because a) I already have a child and b) this is only the first
Month of trying but I never expected to feel such sadness this morning 😞

I suppose the question I'd like to ask you ladies (or men if you can answer for your wives) is how long did it take you to conceive your second child?

OP posts:
noitsnotme · 12/04/2017 23:12

Feel sorry for the OP. She clearly didn't mean to offend anyone and is entitled to feel how she feels. Even if I agree her worries are unwarranted at this stage.

Why have people jumped on her instead of just deciding this is a thread too close to home for them?

She was excited, and has seen people close to her suffer, the thought has crossed her mind and is now playing on it a little. I don't think she should be accused of anything more than overthinking.

fabulousfun · 12/04/2017 23:13

Ynbu it's a unpredictable situation.
In my experience - took over 2 years of perfect timing, good cycle length and excellent health to achieve a 1st pregnancy and dc1 and then one drunken night to achieve dc2, 6 weeks after dc1 was born 😬 voila kids under 12 months apart!
All good 👍 but could easily have been the other way round. Good luck to you. 🍀

LilQueenie · 12/04/2017 23:16

I've had infertility and needed ivf. I understand and not at all offended. feeling sad says to me you really want another child. I wish you the best of luck. Smile

Fl0ellafunbags · 12/04/2017 23:18

Oh you daft bugger! You're being a bit silly.

DD (9) was 3 looong years and much intervention.

DS (6) was the one time we didn't use a condom because we figured my sub fertility would necessitate more medical gubbins so we were "safe". Best surprise ever.

Doublegloucester · 12/04/2017 23:23

I could have written your post op Flowers

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 12/04/2017 23:37

It took us about nine months to conceive DS, then six months to conceive again, but that ended in a MC at week 9. (Weirdly, I knew it wasn't right from the beginning but I didn't want to think it? I just didn't feel pregnant, no matter what the test said.) Then another three months to conceive a third time, and that's produced an identical twins pregnancy that is nearly 24 weeks along. I'm afraid I might have gotten a bit regimental with the OH about making sure he DTD every other day, come hell or high water. Poor chap was possibly feeling somewhat like a life-support system for a pair of testicles by the end of it.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 12/04/2017 23:38

Anyway, yes, I possibly worked my way through several hundred pregnancy tests (get the cheap ones from B&M etc. - they're bloody good) and several thousand boxes of tissues each month when things did not work out, especially that very first month, so I understand entirely.

randomusernamechristmas16 · 12/04/2017 23:47

DS a complete surprise we werent trying and i was on the pill...clearly had a slip up with that.
started trying when he was 1 and 3 years later DD was born. it took me almost 2 years to get pregnant and then i got pregnant a few times but had losses but got pregnant quickly after them again. I had an ectopic and surgery at the start of the month and we decided then we would stop trying i couldnt put myself through any more ttc and loses and at the end of that month i did a test and went to the gp concerned my hormone level hadnt returned to normal only to discover it was a new pregnancy and it was successful thats how we got DD

Casmama · 12/04/2017 23:48

YABU. You need to give yourself a shake.
You started trying two weeks ago so could easily have just missed ovulation.
You are not unreasonable to feel a bit sad or worried, a lot of us get a bit worked up about these things but it is a total overreaction given the circumstances.
I dont see that it will help you to know how long it took other people and it seems a bit attention seeking to be honest

whatdoyouwant · 12/04/2017 23:51

First child a surprise, second tried for and had 1 period before falling pregnant, last child another little surprise!

MrsLupo · 13/04/2017 00:26

#1 was an accident. #2 took 3 years, including numerous MCs and an ectopic, during which time almost all of the other mums we knew had a second, and half the world seemed to have a baby bump. Went through pretty much the same before conceiving #3.

The feeling of sadness is partly physiological, OP. It's normal for your hormone profile to leave you feeling a bit low key when your period starts, and if you were hoping it wouldn't then that's bound to be upsetting, no need to feel foolish or guilty. Early miscarriages feel as though your whole body is crying.

We tried and tried for #4 but it wasn't to be. Hard as it is, try to relax and let things unfold as they will. It's all too easy for a vague desire to become a doggedly pursued goal and then an obsession, and in my experience will fuck all sorts of other things up for you while achieving nothing.

ClopySow · 13/04/2017 08:08

The only offensive thing on this thread are the people having a go at the op.

Limitededition7inch · 13/04/2017 08:39

If people don't like it or feel upset by it, they shouldn't read it. Nobody has the monopoly on losing a baby/finding it hard to conceive grief. That said OP, I would probably relax a little bit. It's been your first try.

Like you our DS was a bit of a surprise so we assumed when we did start trying for another it would happen straight away. It took a few months and ended in mc recently but my GP was very reluctant to start labelling it secondary infertility just yet. We are now of the opinion that if it happens it happens and if not we have a very much loved DS. I know that's no consolation to anyone on this forum.

neonrainbow · 13/04/2017 08:49

How does it help you to hear that other people have spent years trying to conceive? Just curious.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 13/04/2017 09:10

DS1 astonished me by being in the first month of trying. My periods were very irregular so I wasn't expecting an easy time.

DS2 was 4 months. Again short, but there was that optimism that my body had done it straight away, and it was disappointing each month that it didn't happen, even if I logically knew that our timing had been a bit off with DH being away.

We can't help our feelings, whether it's being disappointment in the early stages or desperation, depression or grief if those months have turned into years.

Upset is a fair word for OP to use. She's not said anything dramatic like "devastated" which would be unreasonable at this stage.

I hope all goes well for OP and others trying.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 13/04/2017 09:13

So, I was a bit upset last night and I'm sorry if I was harsh, OP. People are right to say that I should have stopped reading and not commented once I realised that this thread was going to throw up some stuff for me. I do have some actual advice, though. Go to the conception boards - you'll find lots of people in your situation and you can talk about it with them, swap tips and generally make each other feel better. I've found great support there with both ttc#1 threads and TTC after miscarriage (obviously for the love of God don't try and join either of those, but as examples of how specific the groups are and how easy you'll find it to find somewhere that suits your situation!). I've been just blown away by the kindness I've been shown, very often by women who have gone through much bigger and longer struggles than me.

coffeecoffeecoffeee · 13/04/2017 09:15

The only offensive thing on this thread are the people having a go at the op.

Agreed 100%

Original poster
24carrottop · 13/04/2017 10:27

Thanks lisasimpson

I know I'm being unreasonable but it shocked me how sad and upset I felt....even though I know how unlikely it is to conceive first time. I'll have a look at those boards and see what I can find

OP posts:
ForTheSakeOfFuck · 13/04/2017 11:35

I don't think it helps that societally, there is this bizarre "norm" perpetuated in films and fiction that having unprotected just sex one time ever will absolutely get you instantly and thoroughly pregnant. I remember my PSE lessons from school that bordered on the hysterical notion that even going near a boy (this was all aimed at girls, obvs) was risky because OMG TEEN PREGNANCY. It didn't help that my school was located in a teen pregnancy blackspot. I think three of my classmates left before GCSEs to have babies. Anyway, I'm not saying you can't get pregnant on a one off - countless examples exist where this has happened, but judging by the statistics, this is much more the exception than the norm. In practice, when TTC, it sometimes takes for bloody ever, even when both parties are perfectly healthy. But it's easy to internalise that idea that getting pregnant is so "easy" that you should expect to conceive immediately and that if you don't, there's a problem. I certainly went into it with that belief, and was genuinely staggered when I didn't get pregnant in the very first month of trying with DS1. I immediately felt like I was a failure, concluded that there was obviously something wrong with me, and booked an appointment with the GP that week. She very kindly explained the reality, and when I went to read the stuff she'd pointed me to about just how long it can take for perfectly average, healthy couples to conceive, I felt like everything I'd learned up till that point had been borderline nonsense. (I do get why we tell teenagers this, but it doesn't prepare the adult who wants babies very well.)

Anyway, I don't know if that's part of it for you - maybe it isn't, but as with so many things, I don't think the way society thinks of pregnancy is particularly helpful. Just a thought.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 13/04/2017 11:39

Neonrainbow I could see how that helps, because it provides a norm, or context, against which to judge your own situation. You don't know if it's been "a long time" or "quick" or even how near or far into the future to pin your hopes if you don't know the general ranges that others have experienced. Each case is different, certainly, but from all those differences we get our averages, and that can help to give the OP comfort that not conceiving on the first month isn't the end of all things, and that she may need to be a little more patient than she has been. These are both useful things to learn from the experiences of other, real people, rather than the depersonalised stats of an NHS webpage.

Rossigigi · 13/04/2017 11:41

Ds1 was a surprise ds2 we only had sex once and I conceived....

therootoftheroot · 13/04/2017 11:44

I am sorry, every unwanted period does not feel like bereavement. I tried for three years for my son and yes it was sad and upsetting but nothing like a bereavement. That is such an insensitive thing to say.

lottieandmia · 13/04/2017 12:31

I think that posters on mumsnet look for any possible reason to jump on the OP before replying these days Hmm

tinypop4 · 13/04/2017 12:35

You're going to get some irritable answers on here from people who have very long term fertility troubles- be prepared.
You are unreasonable to be upset after trying once but you know that- I get that you are keen to be pregnant now you've made the decision.

Dd was a happy accident. Ds took 5 months to conceive including a miscarriage in that time.

DesertSky · 13/04/2017 12:58

I think fertility even 'in between children' is pretty unknown. So many factors influencing the egg becoming fertilised. Some ladies seem to get pregnant very quickly and others take a lot longer. Sometimes you can fall quickly the first time and then it could take months or even years the next time round. I have personally been very fortunate conceiving my 3 - first child took 3 months to conceive, second child the first month of trying and third child was a surprise. However there have been other females in my family who have really struggled. Try to relax and enjoy the trying. It's very very early days to even think about worrying. xx

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