To feel hurt when people imply that IVF babies are loved more than naturally conceived children

[Monkeyface45]

Someone on my Facebook has just made reference to a moment on tonight's one born every minute , basically posting that IVF babies are more wanted and loved that naturally conceived babies. I actually find this quite hurtful. I empathise with people who are struggling to conceive, I really do. However just because my babies were conceived without scientific intervention doesn't mean they are any less loved or wanted than those people needing help. ALL children are loved x

Its a bit like saying babies who were planned are more loved than surprise babies.

However when someone who as an IVF baby gets a bit PFB I tend to give them more slack, because lets face it - needing IVF sucks.

GetInThe

My friend, who conceived after one or two shags also used to talk about doing well as we've managed to keep our children alive. This is what preoccupies many parents regardless of how they were conceived or their state of health at birth. It sounds like you and your first born ds had a very tough time. TBH I never really thought about it until she said. Maybe I'm just too laid back or something. Now that dd has been diagnosed with a medical condition, I'm far more aware of just how fragile she is. Her future once she's no longer under my protection does worry me as if she did do something stupid, there is the potential - although relatively remote to wind up dead.

@ForTheSakeOfFuck thank you

The thing that blows my mind are the women who volunteer to be surrogates, who put themselves through the immense physical and emotional experience of pregnancy and birth, to give another couple the most precious gift imaginable - to help them realise what seems such an impossible dream, to become parents

I don't know if we will ever be lucky enough to be experience this gift for ourselves. But if we do, it would be a privilege to be able to tell a child the story of how they came to become a part of our family

Doesn't mean that anyone who didn't struggle loves their child any less.

I have two DC, one through IVF/ICSI (male factor infertility) and our youngest, who was a natural surprise. I don't love them any differently, but I do worry more about my eldest. Not for any particular reason, I think because I got used to worrying that we wouldn't have children, then worried about IVF working, then worried about miscarrying, then worried when he had some health issues as a baby etc. I worried so much about him before he even arrived, since we worked so hard to get him and that persists even now (he's nearly 5).

Our youngest was a complete shocker of a surprise and although I worried about miscarriage, I think most do, I don't worry anywhere near to the same extent about him, not in the same way at least. I don't know why, maybe subconsciously I feel that he's more robust or something. I think I worry a normal amount about him, but I'm much more anxious with DS1.

I don't think it's that they are loved more, but perhaps sometimes appreciated more? We adopted our baby DS in our mid 40s and not a day goes by when I don't wake with a smug grin and have to pinch myself that he is real. Had I have had a birth child in the natural way, I would have loved him in equal measures, but perhaps not quite appreciated motherhood in quite the way I do now?

Mummyoflittle ha I'm obviously talking out of my hole then! I thought yours and my situations were comparable but they're not.

I'm really sorry to hear about your dd's medical condition.

I can only speak for myself to say that the grief of infertility has been worse than the grief of losing a parent, because when I lost my mum I could accept that she was gone, there was a certainty - and I could celebrate the joy it was to have the years I did with her in my life

With infertility, the grief and fear of never becoming a parent is all consuming. Every single aspect of my life has been infected by the toxic nature of infertility. My career, my friendships, my relationships, my identity and sense of self worth have all been badly affected. Involuntary childlessness is an inescapable pain. It's grieving for the hopes and dreams of a life and love you fear so desperately you will never experience.

So to be able to join the club you have looked in longingly from the outside of for so many years, is about more than just love and appreciation for a child.

It doesn't mean you love your child any less OP. But the significance of becoming a parent is very, very different. Not better or greater. But different.

I knew someone who was desperate for a baby, it was all she thought about, never stopped talking about it and got upset if anyone else was pregnant. Well she finally got pregnant and she didn't like looking after the baby, it was all a let down and her husband had to take compassionate leave from work (he worked with my husband) to look after the baby. I don't know if she had PND, neither of them ever said that was what it was but it nearly broke their marriage up. I don't know if he ever forgave her really, he hadn't even been that bothered about kids but spent years trying to have them and then she said she regretted it. So for that reason I think it is ridiculous to say IVF babies are more loved, most are probably loved just like any other baby. How do you measure it anyway.

When I was having my first I was in hospital for bed rest and the woman in the next bed was in for months, she had lost alot of babies and I think she was about six months and was hopeful that this baby would be OK. She was lovely and I really liked her. The midwife referred to her baby as a "precious" baby. I felt bloody insulted as my baby was precious too.

When I had a threatened miscarriage with my 4th I was upset as a midwife said, "Oh well you have got 3 others." So that was fine, this one wasn't important.

Didn't realise that bothered me so much till I started.

I don't think there is any way of comparing one person's feeling with another person's feeling, frankly.

I have 1 conceived naturally and 1 from fertility treatment. Both were wanted. I love them both the same. But the pregnancies were different, the excitement of getting that line was different, the all consuming obsessing about if I could be or not was different (and let's just say I pee'd on a lot of sticks - even once pregnancy was confirmed).
I don't think it's just IVF though, a friend who went through hell with miscarriages before carrying full term had a different attitude to pregnancy than others who conceived and carried easily.

Well, I conceived my first dd by accident at a time where I wasn't sure I wanted a baby at all. I went ahead and had her and obviously I love her to absolute pieces and can't imagine my life without her 5 year later. I wasn't 'grateful' when I was pregnant, I I didn't appreciate how lucky I was to have no trouble concieving and a beautiful healthy girl. People who go through IVF after a long wait are probably much more grateful than I was and appreciative of the whole pregnancy, but more loved- no. Although I've never heard anyone say this this to be honest.

Clumsy wording from me... I just meant to express my utter fear of having to be childless again. I think I would just kill myself I was so miserable

Everything has to get competitive these days.

It's a weird thing to feel hurt about. All that matters is that you love your child. That someone else might claim to love their child more is irrelevant. They're not feeling your feelings and you're not feeling theirs. It's just some badly worded oversharing on Facebook.