To feel hurt when people imply that IVF babies are loved more than naturally conceived children

[Monkeyface45]

Someone on my Facebook has just made reference to a moment on tonight's one born every minute , basically posting that IVF babies are more wanted and loved that naturally conceived babies. I actually find this quite hurtful. I empathise with people who are struggling to conceive, I really do. However just because my babies were conceived without scientific intervention doesn't mean they are any less loved or wanted than those people needing help. ALL children are loved x

Well percentage wise, about half of babies are not planned,
That does not include those that are aborted,
Some of the half will be wanted some will not,
But most will be loved once they arrive.

How ever I think If you've paid thousands and gone through all the hoops of ivf, you are more likely to love and bond with your baby. If course there's going to be cases of Pnd, but I think mathematically that they are more likely to be wanted and loved.

Not loved more, as you couldn't possibly measure that, but, loved.

YABU to be hurt by something said on Facebook, that isn't even directed at you personally. Just look at your lovely children, know that you love them very much, and be very very thankful you haven't had to go through the misery of infertility and IVF.

There are so many more genuinely hurtful things on social media for those who are going through infertility, spare a thought for them.

Crickey, feeling 'hurt' and 'offended' is basically a sport for some people.

Someone's gone through the gruelling, painful and expensive process of IVF; they put a post of Facebook that 'implies' (in your eyes) that IVF babies are more loved than naturally conceived ones; and YOU feel 'hurt'?

I mean can't you just ignore her?

PS. Unfortunately not 'all' children are loved. A great many aren't wanted or loved at all.

meeks what does pnd have to do with loving your baby? I read something that said pnd was higher in mother's who have conceived by ivf, not sure if it's true though.

It's not love top trumps, all babies are loved

I'm not sure why you are hurt though OP

We've come to the end of the road with our fertility treatment and have to accept that my uterus isn't up to the job and I can't carry

So the only way we will become parents is through surrogacy

If we are ever lucky enough to be able to turn one of our frozen embryos into a person, it would be a privilege to be able to tell a child that their mummy and daddy literally went to the ends of the earth to have them, that's how deeply wanted and loved they were

So far we've been through 4 IVF cycles, 6 cancelled cycles, 2 pregnancies, 2 miscarriages, 3 surgeries and so far £40,000 down (and no baby). And unless a friend or family member is willing to surro for us, that means selling our house to find the £100,000+ needed to go to America for surrogacy

To be able to say that an army of Drs and nurses and scientists and lawyers and one very very special lady all helped to bring them into this world because everyone wanted them to be born so very very much. I hope more than anything in the world that we will be able to say that to a child one day

That doesn't mean naturally conceived children are loved or appreciated any less.

I don't think I could get upset about them saying that, because I'd understand what they meant in contrast to what they literally said. I'd gather that they meant that those babies will have likely been desperately wanted, prayed for, agonised over, dreamed of, wept about, and paid for down to the last penny those parents may have had, and that their infertility nightmare might have gone on for decades. By contrast, I didn't have to go through a fraction of that hell for mine. So I get the intent - that those babies will be welcomed with such joy and delight and gratitude (for want of a better word) against that context of repeated heartbreak and fears that it might never happen. Someone in the height of their emotion or who isn't so articulate might express it badly as those babies being loved more. I get what they mean.

Oh banana, there are no words.

kay many ivf parents can feel under a lot of pressure to enjoy every minute of their new baby and feel they can't "vent" in the same way that those who haven't struggled to conceive can because they are so "blessed" to have their child. That can lead to PND.

DS1 is an IVF baby. 6 years in the making and numerous miscarriages.

DS2 was conceived naturally and an utter surprise and medical mystery as all docs told us it would happen.

I love them both equally. The pregnancies were completely different as was my mental health with both of them, with DS1 I had extreme pre and post natal anxiety which had to be medically treated which I'm guessing is due to the history behind his conception and already suffering miscarriages. They are both very much loved but the emotion involved with DA1 was indescribable (not that I'm saying there wasn't any emotion with my naturally conceived child! It was just very very different)

This doesn't make the poster the fountain of all knowledge. They sound ridiculous and puffed up with their own importance. I had ivf. More than once. After two full rounds of ivf and 3 embryo transfers, dd made it. I don't love her more than someone else loves their child simply because she was the product of ivf. I feel she is extra special and extra precious to me because I had to go through such a lot to have her when compared to people like my friend, who only had to have sex once or twice to produce their child. That's just my feelings and has no judgment or bearing on others. And a lot of people may also feel their children are extra special to them because they've had to overcome different adversities to bring a baby to full term.

Yes, some ivf parents are pretty pfb. But then there are others, who conceived naturally, who are the same.

purpledaisies This was me perfectly described. Post natal anxiety and depressions and psychiatrists attributed a big cause of it being infertility and ivf

Sorry to hear that stinky, are you doing ok now?

Thanks purple yes, I'm very lucky that I had a fab support team around me and found a treatment plan that worked.

Ok not the same really .. but is it?
I have 2 dcs
One was born , no real problems
The second was born with real problems
From the very start, not breathing and so on
I love them both equal
So i assume the same about any baby, you just love them, some have yo battle to be here some dont
But they are all equal

I too have naturally conceived dc (3 of them) & 1 ivf dc.

All of them are loved unconditionally, our dear ivf dc is loved exactly the same as all of our other dc's. There is no difference what so ever!

A life is a life & every one is a precious gift, no one is more important than the other xxxx

That's great stinky. Often post natal mental health care is a bit patchy but I'm glad it worked properly for you.

I think parents who have had ivf can feel they are expected to be extra grateful and happy all the time whereas they want to be like everyone else.

I've never heard anyone say this. And I have friends who have twins through ivf. Maybe you have strange FB friends.

Most of what people say to you is about them. On social media all of what they say is about them. It's a clumsy way of expressing something, and I promise you it bears no relation to your life. Honestly not your circus, not your monkeys.

parents who have IVF can often have a difficult time accepting that they need medical help and can feel judged by the world (even if it isn't the case) so it's just an encouraging thing people say to acknowledge there struggle and give them a bit of a boost. I've never heard anyone say it about themselves. No one assumes that naturally conceived babies are not loved so I think yabu.

Mummyoflittle I understand what you're saying. Ds1 was conceived after two losses, I bled pretty much constantly from weeks six through to twelve then had another massive bleed at week sixteen, he was a preemie when he did arrive and it was all very touch and go. When we finally took him home I'd been terrified of losing him so many times, and kind of never thought we'd get there, that I felt an almost hysterical sense of gratitude. I should imagine it would have been different if we hadn't gone through all that. I don't know because even though the other two arrived without the drama, having been through that I couldn't stop myself from having the same fears anyway! It is different if you haven't actually experienced how fragile life is, which I guess is what IVF repeatedly hammers home to you.

It's not about you personally and how much YOU love your children.

Of all of the friends 7yo DD has over for tea, I am most nervous when those with allergies visit & next most nervous when her friend who was the result of 10yrs TTC, umpteen rounds of IVF etc comes over. I can't begin to imagine the hope & heart ache (or money!) that went into making her as opposed to my DD who was an accident. I adore DD but I don't think I'm quite so grateful for her existence.

Actually, no OP, not all children are loved. It would be fantastic if they were, but it's simply not the case.