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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt when people imply that IVF babies are loved more than naturally conceived children

89 replies

Monkeyface45 · 12/04/2017 21:19

Someone on my Facebook has just made reference to a moment on tonight's one born every minute , basically posting that IVF babies are more wanted and loved that naturally conceived babies. I actually find this quite hurtful. I empathise with people who are struggling to conceive, I really do. However just because my babies were conceived without scientific intervention doesn't mean they are any less loved or wanted than those people needing help. ALL children are loved x

OP posts:
ohidoliketobebesidethecoast · 12/04/2017 21:39

Not something to feel hurt about, its not aimed at you in any way
...But even if someone said directly to you ' I feel I love my baby more because he came from ivf, than you do yours, because you conceived naturally', i'd honestly just think it was a bit odd that they felt a need to make a competition out of loving a baby.
You know you love your child, it doesn't matter what gibberish someone decides to stick on Facebook.

bunnylove99 · 12/04/2017 21:39

'Hurt' ? Is that really what you meant? It does make you sound a little precious to be honest.

Wando1986 · 12/04/2017 21:41

I'll tell that to my son (concieved naturally) currently growing in my womb for 34wks so far, after 12+yrs of TTC, utter despair and heartbreak for over a decade and the resulting trauma we endured.

But sure... babies concieved after one round of IVF when parents have only been trying for 12 months are loved way more just 'because'... Angry

princessconsuelobananahammock · 12/04/2017 21:42

I agree that it's more 'appreciation' than love. My first pregnancy was easy, pleasant, naive etc etc DC loved immeasurably. My next 4 failed pregnancies have gradually been harder & harder - making me appreciate how lucky we were with DC. When/if we get DC2 the relief & appreciation will be huge for us and all around us but the love could not be more than DC1.

princessconsuelobananahammock · 12/04/2017 21:44

I'm maybe not reading this literally enough as I've not had IVF. I read it really as babies after a struggle - of whatever sort.

KateReddy · 12/04/2017 21:44

YABU, it may be clumsy but you're showing a spectacular lack of empathy.

UppityHumpty · 12/04/2017 21:46

YABU. Generally people who go through IVF try for years to have a baby. It's not possible to get an IVF referral within 6-12 months of trying any more - you have to be trying for at least 2.

User998877 · 12/04/2017 21:47

My three sisters all had their children naturally without any issues conceiving.We tried for 10 years and spent 10's of thousands on fertility treatment and feel extremely fortunate that we finally had our twin boys.

None of our respective children are loved any less irrespective of how they were conceived. However, I do think that this person was perhaps implying that their journey to parenthood was so difficult it made them love their children more, it doesn't of course.

I often used to listen to friends planning when to get pregnant and it just happening and inwardly feeling both sad and glad that they were not feeling the utter despair that I went through for around 9 years.

Floggingmolly · 12/04/2017 21:47

It's not true, but why is it hurtful? Aren't you taking it a little personally?

AbernathysFringe · 12/04/2017 21:51

BlueFolly no, but there is often competition on mn to sound the most blase and unfeeling. I have only one and will most likely always only have one, so I won't get to experience the more relaxed(?) carefree (?) taking it for granted(?) approach you apparently acquire with your second or third.

KayTee87 · 12/04/2017 21:51

There was a similar thread to this recently and it got pretty ugly op so be warned.
Saying that yanbu.

ImNotReallyReal · 12/04/2017 21:52

It's a contentious subject. I'm adopted and was told I was loved and special.

I have two birth children, I think I'd love them the same if they were IVF or adopted.

It's not having the child, it's the journey to get there. And I can see why an IVF baby or an adopted child may be seen as more 'wanted' as the parents didn't just have the good fortune to be able to procreate easily. It's hard to explain, but I saw my parents sorrow at not being able to conceive and I think unless you've been there you probably can't feel 'hurt' about a random Internet comment.

springsheep · 12/04/2017 21:53

My dc are from ivf. I don't love them more than if I had conceived them without medical help (I find the term natural slightly offensive tbh as the opposite is unnatural, which my dc are not).

I do think that I appreciate how lucky I am a bit more than some of my friends who became pregnant quickly/easily.

Infertility is a long hard road and like most things in life the longer you wait or harder it is to get something the more you appreciate it when you do finally have it.

Monkeymarbles · 12/04/2017 21:57

I remember a thread very similar to this and Maryz expressed a beautiful explanation of this. It was something along the lines of when someone who has Ivf has a miscarriage it's not just a heartbreaking loss of that baby but the loss of potentially having any babies. I've probably done a really poor summary and this doesn't in anyway excuse that attitude (all babies are precious) but maybe explains some subconscious rationale behind the crass expression? Maybe.

Tootsiepops · 12/04/2017 21:57

If someone said to me that they loved their child more than I love mine, I'd shrug my shoulders, laugh and never give it another thought. Because it's clearly a load of old bollocks. I can't say it would hurt me in any capacity.

My daughter is an ivf baby. I went through more to have her, but it would be daft to say I love her more than other mums who conceived naturally love their children.

Just file it under 'silly things people say' and move on.

Girlincognito1 · 12/04/2017 22:00

This never entered my head. Some people think up some twisted crazy shit. Has she had IVF by any chance,?

WorraLiberty · 12/04/2017 22:00

I don't find it 'hurtful', I just find it silly.

Girlincognito1 · 12/04/2017 22:02

It's like the people who say a csection isn't a proper birth so the mothers haven't worked for it.

abcBears · 12/04/2017 22:02

that's bollocks, just ignore. Some people (and I insist on SOME) have to make themselves feel better with nonsense like that. Who cares, it says more about them than anything else, they obviously have to prove something (not sure to whom, because frankly nobody cares how a baby was conceived, it's such a private issue)

Is anyone really drawing a scale of motherhood love? You get bonus points if you have had miscarriages? (I did, but that doesn't make me love more or less my children)

Some idiots will tell you that you are not a real mother (or less of a mother) if you use painkillers at birth, or god forbid, you have a (dare I say it) .. a c-section!

Sadly, not all children are loved though, we should try to help the ones who aren't, instead of pretending to be superior to someone else.

HoldLuggage · 12/04/2017 22:04

It's a bit like a relationship with anyone who, against pretty bad numbers, has made it there. You have a heightened sense of appreciation and gratitude for their presence. You're not more loving so much as incredibly grateful!

SalemSaberhagen · 12/04/2017 22:06

andcake I hope that it is just clumsy wording, but you are making out that anyone who has more than one child/doesn't need IVF can replace a child. It doesn't quite work like that. They aren't a pair of shoes.

eurochick · 12/04/2017 22:07

It's just a silly comment. Ignore.

I do think there are some aspects of having an ivf child that are different. Like pnd being more common - probably because women who have had ivf babies feeling like they can't admit to some bits of parenthood being shit and having to put a brave face on all the time. And when I miscarried my first ivf pregnancy, I'm sure I didn't feel the loss more than any woman who miscarries. But knowing what I would have to go through to get back to that point (the paperwork, the blood tests, laying like a spatchcock chicken in an operating theatre while someone jabs a large hollow needle through your vagina and into your ovaries, the stress of will the eggs be good enough, will the sperm be good enough, will my embryos make it to transfer day (second spatchcock chicken experience)) did add to my swirling emotions and I longed for shagging to be able to get me pregnant!

Phoebefromfriends · 12/04/2017 22:07

Loving a baby isn't a competition and also can't be measured so I'm not sure why you are hurt? However, I do think couples who have spent years and tonnes of money, not including the physical and emotional scars I imagine it leaves appreciate their babies more because of the journey to get them. To not see that the struggle and the journey is extremely shortsighted. As other posters have said they often know that will be their only child, their choices are limited unlike fertile couples who choose to create the family they want.

Sallysadlyseescertainty · 12/04/2017 22:07

Some IVF parents can be slightly sensitive on the topic of their child's entry into the world. As can a lot of mums of c-section babies, I find. That goes for most things that does come or happen as nature intended.

YABU, however, to say you feel hurt and or offended.

My babies were just as much longed for and cherished as someone's IVF. Let them think what they want to think. We all love our babies. It's not a bloody competition.

Sallysadlyseescertainty · 12/04/2017 22:08

Don't, not does

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