Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have bought DSs provisional licence for him?

61 replies

Zhan · 12/04/2017 17:19

DS (18) asked if I would buy him his provisional license. DH said no and that he should buy stuff like that himself.
He's still at college and has worked on and off since the age of 14. He's just landed a new job which starts end of this month to do alongside his a-levels. He asked again about the provisional and DH said no as his son had to buy his own. This got me thinking, his son has never worked a day in his life and is not at college getting a bursary or anything so surely someone must have bought that for him? Even if it wasn't us? Either his mum (who he lives with) or out of money given to him by his grandma but the point is, it's not as if he's gone out and wasn't the money to buy it, is it? So why should DS have to?
This has happened a few times when I've wanted to buy DS something and DH has said no because we didn't do it for his kids (such as license, trips, even cinema etc) but when his kids come here they naturally talk about how their mum has bought them this and paid for that - DH says it's nothing to do with us what their mother pays for but doesn't seem to realise that I am my kids version of what his kids have with their mother!

I'm dreading him finding out about the licence but I don't think I was wrong to pay for it, was I?

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 12/04/2017 17:22

Yanbu. I have paid for my son's provisional licence, and I pay for his driving lessons each week. If you can afford it then why not.
Young people need all the help they can get, and being able to drive could open up numerous opportunities.

Trifleorbust · 12/04/2017 17:23

Not at all. Who made your DH the boss? Hmm

kateclarke · 12/04/2017 17:23

Your DH sounds horrible. Who does he think he is? Buy your DS what you want.

Babyroobs · 12/04/2017 17:24

And how come your dh has a say in what you pay for for your own son? unless your dh is the only breadwinner in the family then you can pay for what you like surely ?

Babyroobs · 12/04/2017 17:25

Is he normally controlling over finances?

UrsulaPandress · 12/04/2017 17:25

Is he your DS's dad?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2017 17:26

How will he afford lessons if he can't afford his licence?

khajiit13 · 12/04/2017 17:26

This is strange OP, it's almost like you don't even talk to your OH. Surely there must have been some kind of conversation?

Original poster
Zhan · 12/04/2017 17:26

He is the breadwinner but I also work. Plus we get child maintenance for my kids and child benefit yet all I'm given them is £5 a week pocket money each and paying for DS1s mobile phone contract £28 a month. The only other thing they see out if it is bus tickets to get them to and from college £75 a month for both).

OP posts:
FanaticalFox · 12/04/2017 17:27

All this his kids my kids etc. Not good. Doesn't seem like your family is very "gelled" together. If he wants to speak of his son and your son then if its your son do what you like! Buy him the license.

Original poster
Zhan · 12/04/2017 17:27

I can't talk to him as he just blows up and creates a 3 day argument.

OP posts:
neonrainbow · 12/04/2017 17:27

Is he always this controlling? As you say that step son has his own mother to pay for things like that for him and your son shows a good work ethic so I don't see the harm in helping him out

Patriciathestripper1 · 12/04/2017 17:27

YANBU. I bought first Dd licence, paid for lessons and bought and insured her first car for her on the understanding she saved from her sat job for next insurance

lowcloud · 12/04/2017 17:27

I bought DS's provisional licence as he's at college and hence we get child benefit and child tax credits for him. I think that if they're at college then they're regarded as dependent children and payments like child benefit should go towards things like a provisional licence. If you're not entitled to CB/CTC then it will be because your family income is too high and hence your family income should be used for paying for your child's nees. Personally I regard a provisional licence as a necessity for ID - I expect DS to pay for his luxuries like computer games but not things like this.

It's quite worrying that you say you're dreading him finding out about it. DH isn't my DS's dad but he literally never queries what I spend on him. Your DH seems quite mean to want your DS to go without things just on a (flawed) principle. You need to listen to what he is telling you.

Babyroobs · 12/04/2017 17:28

Can you put the CM and CB in a separate account and use it solely for them and giving a portion towards general household expenses to cover some of their food and towards rent/ mortgage?

neonrainbow · 12/04/2017 17:29

On the surface it sounds like he is controlling your finances and your family and it's worth looking at indicators of abuse to see if he is abusive because he sounds like it to me

Original poster
Zhan · 12/04/2017 17:30

Babyroobs that is a good idea, it currently goes into a seperate account anyway so I could have the convo with DH that it is to be spent on them (including their bus fares etc)

OP posts:
TitaniasCloset · 12/04/2017 17:33

Yanbu. Your dh is being an obnoxious arse. Ignore him.

SomethingBorrowed · 12/04/2017 17:34

I am my kids version of what his kids have with their mother
What is his answer to this?
YANBU OP

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 12/04/2017 17:43

I will buy ours their licence, lessons etc as it's a life skill that a parent should enable their children to have.

Given you have your own earnings, I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms he has no say in them as long as the bills were met.

BlueBlueSkies · 12/04/2017 17:44

He sounds very unfair to your DS. Used to get a bit of this sometimes with my DH. I think it is male competitiveness as it only started when DS was at college age.

My view was that he could not dictate what I did for DS. I used to carry on and not tell him what I was buying for DS. With DD I could buy her anything and he would offer to pay.

You do need to stand your ground. I agree with pp, he does sound controlling and financially abusive.

AyeAmarok · 12/04/2017 17:44

Hello again OP.

Your DH has always been like this. He was like this before you were married, you didn't like each other then. He didn't like your DC then either. Everyone told you on every thread, it wouldn't improve when you got married, you married him anyway.

In case you genuinely don't know, somehow, no, of course you're not being unreasonable. Your H doesn't get to dictate what you do with your money and your DC. You can buy him his provisional if you want to, whether his DS was bought his or not.

Getting him his provisional would be a nice thing to do, actually then your DS can learn to drive and get the fuck away from this arsehole who has treated him so terribly for years

JustCallMeKate · 12/04/2017 17:48

YANBU but your DH sounds like a twat. We paid for provisionals, lessons and cars as well as insurance for the first year for our 4. I agree with Blue I wouldn't be having anyone dictate to me what I bought for my DC's.

MrsDoylesTeabags · 12/04/2017 17:51

What a tight arse shit, so he doesn't pay for his kids and he doesn't want you to help your son?
Sounds like your son workd hard, if you can afford to pay for his drivers license and you're happy to then you should, it's none of DH's business.

LovingLola · 12/04/2017 17:58

Your poor son. In what other ways does your husband treat him like shit?

Swipe left for the next trending thread