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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have bought DSs provisional licence for him?

61 replies

Zhan · 12/04/2017 17:19

DS (18) asked if I would buy him his provisional license. DH said no and that he should buy stuff like that himself.
He's still at college and has worked on and off since the age of 14. He's just landed a new job which starts end of this month to do alongside his a-levels. He asked again about the provisional and DH said no as his son had to buy his own. This got me thinking, his son has never worked a day in his life and is not at college getting a bursary or anything so surely someone must have bought that for him? Even if it wasn't us? Either his mum (who he lives with) or out of money given to him by his grandma but the point is, it's not as if he's gone out and wasn't the money to buy it, is it? So why should DS have to?
This has happened a few times when I've wanted to buy DS something and DH has said no because we didn't do it for his kids (such as license, trips, even cinema etc) but when his kids come here they naturally talk about how their mum has bought them this and paid for that - DH says it's nothing to do with us what their mother pays for but doesn't seem to realise that I am my kids version of what his kids have with their mother!

I'm dreading him finding out about the licence but I don't think I was wrong to pay for it, was I?

OP posts:
PUGaLUGS · 12/04/2017 17:59

We paid for our DS's provisionals, lessons and tests.

If you can afford it do it.

expatinscotland · 12/04/2017 18:02

What Aye said. Your poor kids! You inflicted this controlling dickhead on them. Really hope they get away soon.

expatinscotland · 12/04/2017 18:03

'In what other ways does your husband treat him like shit?'

Oh, loads, Lola, he begrudges everything.

Ellisandra · 12/04/2017 18:07

Am genuinely aghast that people stay married to arseholes like this.

Missrubyring · 12/04/2017 18:10

Have you posted about him before OP??

expatinscotland · 12/04/2017 18:11

'Am genuinely aghast that people stay married to arseholes like this.'

Or go out with them, tell people their concerns about the twat, then marry them anyway despite 100% of everyone telling her/him what an abusive jerk the twat is. Oh, then subject their kids to him.

EweAreHere · 12/04/2017 18:14

Yes, you were right to pay for this.

Yes, you should help him with lessons if you can.

You owe him that much ... you brought this hideous excuse of a step dad into his life. Poor kid.

expatinscotland · 12/04/2017 18:32

'Plus we get child maintenance for my kids and child benefit yet all I'm given them is £5 a week pocket money each and paying for DS1s mobile phone contract £28 a month. The only other thing they see out if it is bus tickets to get them to and from college £75 a month for both).'

If I were your ex and I found out the maintenance I was sending to support my kids wasn't getting to them due to their mother's abusive twat of a husband, I'd seek to get full custody of them.

Moanyoldcow · 12/04/2017 18:39

I had a hypothetical conversation with my husband just today about how I would not be able to be with anyone who treated my children badly and that extends to putting limits on how he 'allows' me to treat them.

If i were you? I'd buy the provisional and tell my husband to fuck off. I have read the previous threads which have been alluded to but if you married him knowing what a hit he is the very least you should do is mitigate it by keeping him out of your children's life.

Currently I'm in a very happy marriage but I would sooner be alone forever than put someone else before my kids. I chose to have them and they deserve better.

MrsCharlieD · 12/04/2017 18:42

Definitely nbu. When I was 17 my parents paid for driving lessons and licence for my birthday. I bought my first car and put petrol in but they paid tax and insurance. I appreciate it was lucky but I hope to do the same for DS when he's ready to drive. If you can afford to do something important for your child then why wouldn't you?

DancingLedge · 12/04/2017 18:59

You're dreading him finding out? He'll throw a three day strop? Ask yourself what kind of relationship you're in.Although I suspect kind has little to do with it.

You might find it helpful to read the 'listen up' bit at the beginning of Relationships.

Yanbu, because you know what, adults are allowed to make their own financial decisions, and DMs are allowed, and need to look after their DC.

Hippychickster · 12/04/2017 20:23

Good God! I pay whatever I like for my children (and they are adults now and don't really need it - I WANT to pay for stuff to help them.) My husband (not their dad) would never question anything!!! Why would he? He wants them to be happy like I do.

This is awful! Please buy your children what you like and just tell him. If he causes a 3 day argument, ignore it and carry on as normal. It's very hard to keep being angry when no one gives a shit. Good luck.

Hippychickster · 12/04/2017 20:24

And yes we paid for driving licences, lessons and tests. It was their 17th birthday presents and we loved doing it.

Fishface77 · 12/04/2017 21:04

Op. LTB.
He's a cunt to you and your kids.
What do you get out of this relationship?
Where is his real dad? Does he pay maintenance or anything?
He's treating your DC dreadfully and your allowing it!

UppityHumpty · 12/04/2017 21:10

Legally the CM your kids get is towards them. If your dh is spending it on the overall family then it's wrong. Keep it separate

holidaychocs · 12/04/2017 22:00

I feel really sorry for your children. Genuinely sad as if I'm talking about my own children having to put up with such shit. You don't need to throw money at them but what are you doing with the money you get for them?

Madwoman5 · 13/04/2017 01:18

Why are you asking for his permission to pay for ds's licence? Yanbu except to seek approval for spending £35 or so on your lad. Sod that!

giraffesCantReachTheirToes · 13/04/2017 01:23

Yanbu

Lynnm63 · 13/04/2017 01:34

Why are you still married to this twat. Kick him out and spend your money on you and your dc. I don't see what you get from this relationship as your dh is a prize cunt. You know that though as you've been told that on more than one occasion.

MadMags · 13/04/2017 01:37

This makes me feel so helplessly sad and angry.

You didn't listen when people told you this would happen. Everyone was right. Hopefully now you'll realise that and leave the bastard.

stitchglitched · 13/04/2017 01:41

I knew this would be you from the title of the thread! You have a good, professional job, no shared children, you are not tied to or dependent on him. So you are choosing to keep your kids exposed to this prick. Yes the least you can do is help your son get his license so he has the means to leave as soon as he can and get away from a stepdad who treats him like shit and a mother who enables it.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 13/04/2017 01:58

Zhan, just leave him already. and no YANBU to buy your son anything, if 'D'H's kids didn't get that then it's 'D'Hs problem not your son's, lots of parents pay for bits like licences, driving lessons etc

neonrainbow · 13/04/2017 06:27

Oh its you. Well you married him.

Clandestino · 13/04/2017 06:33

Your very unDH sounds like a horrible controlling cunt who wants to humiliate you at every step. Why do you let him control your own salary? Why are you with an awful person like this?

Original poster
Zhan · 13/04/2017 07:55

I had it out with him last night and said both kids need more than £5 pocket money so I'll be increasining it to £10 a week each. Fucking hell I got more than that 25 years ago!! My youngest has never asked for a phone contract so I told him how unusual it was for a 16 year old to never have credit for their phone and having to scrounge wifi from passing McDonald's etc. I said we get £300 a both for the kids with maintenance and child benefit combined and it amounts to financial abuse that they don't see that money. He argued that they get £75 a month for bus fares - that's a stupid comment too because WE chose to live so far away from their school!! It was OUR decision to live so far that they need two busses to get there so I don't think their bus fare money should come from "their" money. Anyway he backed right off and said he didn't have a problem with them having money and it's ME that has been keeping it from them!!! Plus he says he just doesn't want to up their pocket money as they'll spend it on cigerettes - yeah they probably will but so fucking what. I was spending my money on Speed and Alcohol at that age, not that it's a good thing(!!!) but show me a teenager that spends money on flowers and tea bags.

Anyway, I don't think I am who you all seem to think I am but I HAVE posted about him before. It goes quiet and everything is hunky dorey for a while and then it kicks off again, usually over something trivial that he turns into a massive thing.

OP posts: