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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how often everyone has nookie each week on average?

80 replies

MinesaProsecco · 12/04/2017 14:04

I work, have two kids, one dog, housework, meals....AIBU to want pyjama evenings rather than constant pressure from my lovely boyfriend to go to bed at 8.30 leaving the kids downstairs? Once a week is enough for me....he says I should be happy that he fancies and wants me but blimey...not every night!!! Or am I not normal? 🙄

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 12/04/2017 15:40

It's just the sex thing that gets me down a pretty important aspect if you're not in tune with each other, don't take any sad face bollocks off him either.

DonaldStott · 12/04/2017 15:40

8.30pm is so we can watch the 9pm programmes.

How romantic.

So he doesn't even really want to 'make love'. He actually just want a quick fuck, every night with the teens downstairs, so you can be done in time for Broadchurch. FFS.

Original poster
MinesaProsecco · 12/04/2017 15:42

He's working away for a week soon so I will think carefully about everything before his return and put boundaries in place. It's my house, so I will be assertive and discuss my feelings with him and give him the chance to adapt. I hope he will be more thoughtful. If not, I will have to rethink my situation.Sad

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 12/04/2017 15:50

It's just the sex thing that gets me down..oh and the insecurity

Be careful, insecurity is often a common motivator or excuse for controlling behaviour. My spider senses started tingling when you posted about how he gets jealous of other men looking at you when you're out. Look out for how this manifests itself, especially if he starts putting pressure on you as to where you can go, who you can speak to or socialise with, what you can wear etc. If he starts down that path it will get progressively worse.

redjoker · 12/04/2017 15:52

My mum got with a new man when i was in my teens and the thought of her taking him upstairs at 8.30 makes me want to vomit!

Sex once a week here, twice if hes lucky, the thought of it everynight literally tires me out just thinking about it (and i don't even have kids yet!) (god help him when baby is born lol)

notangelinajolie · 12/04/2017 15:52

Pressuring boyfriends are NOT lovely. He sound's like dog on heat. And him asking you to slope of to the bedroom knowing that your teenagers are clearly going to know (and probably hear) exactly what is gong on is just ewwwww!

Original poster
MinesaProsecco · 12/04/2017 15:55

Oh. He doesn't like me wearing low cut tops or short things. This is getting worse than I thought Sad. I'm so busy maybe I am missing the signs. He is very calm, never shouts....just has a 'tone of voice' that he adopts when making a point......I am more conscious of what I wear when I am with him....

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 12/04/2017 15:57

2 years in to a new relationship, with kids younger than yours, I'd have had sex with him pretty much all the time.
He however wasn't overly keen when my kids were in the house, luckily they were with their dad 2 nights a week. Also, he realised that when they went to bed that was it for the night for them.

There is nothing like being pressured to have sex to make you not want to do so.

QueenOlivine · 12/04/2017 16:00

He worries about other men looking at me when we are out.

Oh dear, that's not good. Jealous, possessive and wants to pressure you into sex is not lovely. Remember most selfish and controlling men can do "lovely" when they want to, that's how they get their feet under the table.

This is why I don't plan to ever live with a partner again. In theory I might eventually like to have a boyfriend and overnight stays as long as they are kept separate from my kids, but I want to sit in my own home in the evening and not feel under any pressure to have sex.

RoseOfSharyn · 12/04/2017 16:08

OP in the nicest way possible, please look up Emotional and Sexual Abuse.
I feel so sad for you reading your posts. Flowers

Original poster
MinesaProsecco · 12/04/2017 16:18

Maybe because my marriage was loveless due to my ex not wanting to be a dad to our kids and always going out, I have gone the other way in looking for a man to love me how I thought I wanted to be loved. Not very good at choosing am I....

OP posts:
IfNotNowThenWhenever · 12/04/2017 16:29

Yeah, get rid, he sounds like a knob. Needy, controlling, and disrespectful of your kids. And the dog.GrinEveryone really.
I don't really get couples who say they do it every night/4 times a week after multiple years together.. doesn't it get a bit samey? I don't think I could be arsed with it, and I do like sex.

user1471496670 · 12/04/2017 16:38

Well me and DP have sex at least 2 x a day. Sometimes more! Lol! But I am aware we are out the ordinary.
I'm newly pregnant which has made us both even keener for some reason!

MegMez · 12/04/2017 16:49

Aw well done OP - it would have been so easy to get defensive about your relationship but you sound like you've really been listening to everyone's comments and will use this breathing space to reflect.

The thing about him having a say or an opinion on what you wear rang alarm bells for me too. I've seen a friend go in and out of relationships with men who changed the way she dressed. She found their jealousy flattering.

My husband hates a yellow top I have, says I look like a mime artist in my dungarees and striped tops and doesn't really get some of my fashion choices. I just stick my tongue out at him and get on with being FAAAABULOUS! His opinions are more about the colour or pattern though - not on what they reveal or don't of my body.

Big hug to you. Spend some fun time with your teen kids over the school holidays. Might be worth asking what they think of him too.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 12/04/2017 16:49

The more you post the more twattish he sounds.

Adopting a tone of voice when he has a point and youve already picked up what that tone means; he's not happy with something you've said or done.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 12/04/2017 17:04

My very lovely bf would never venture an opinion on my clothes, other than to, occasionally, say "that looks pretty".
He turns a blind eye to my more outlandish ensembles.
And he would never dream of commenting on how much attention I lavish on dc. Even if I asked him outright what he thought, he would probably prevaricate, and say it had nothing to do with him.
As it should be imo.

Insomnibrat · 12/04/2017 18:46

Oh OP.....Your posts make my skin crawl and my stomach flip because it is all so familiar, not just with one former partner but a few :(

There's nothing worse than feeling 'duty bound' to perform every night like a machine. My last Ex told me he 'expected' it 'every night'. I left him not long after (other reasons too, obvs). It's selfish in the extreme and bordering on abusive. That constant pressure put me right off, I didn't want it at all.

I'm so relieved you've asked for opinions on here and maybe some things are dawning on you. In the end, for me, id rather be happy alone than feel the way I did within the relationship.

My self esteem is, and always was, in the gutter. But it shouldn't be that way. You shouldn't have to give to keep him. x

Original poster
MinesaProsecco · 12/04/2017 18:58

Thankyou for all your support. I am a strong woman but it may not sound it sometimes. I think I have just become used to a situation and thought it the norm. Glad I posted on here...it has helped a lot....and your offered hugs mean a lot. This is a great chatroom ❤

OP posts:
Original poster
MinesaProsecco · 12/04/2017 19:01

There must be loads of women in my position. I will be refusing naughties for the foreseeable future and will sit him down this week for an honest non confrontational talk x

OP posts:
Obsidian77 · 12/04/2017 21:18

I think there is a typo in your op, didn't you mean each year? Grin

PickAChew · 12/04/2017 21:24

He sounds like a pest.

And the insecurity thing would drive me round the bend. 2 rather ugly traits.

BitOutOfPractice · 12/04/2017 21:57

Oh OP it doesn't sound good hen it's written down does it.

Pestering for sex. Insecurity / jealousy. Two massive red flags right there.

You are spot on, you need a serious rethink. I wouldn't hold out much hope for him changing though.

Good luck to you Thanks

Rainydayspending · 12/04/2017 22:18

I'm surprised there are so many people who think that having sex whilst teenagers are awake is thoroughly unacceptable behaviour.
Are you all uptight about sex? Why? It's part of most relationships. Ideally without pressure, or some taboo treatment. I think that view is from some Christian belief that after death you still belong to your husband if divorced. Really archaic.
Or is it a notion the teens need supervision?
OP. You shouldn't be pressured. That is completely out. Nor should he use his insecurities as a lever to manipulate you.
Set a good example to your teens. Don't be pressured, be up front with your partner and encourage ratiinal discussions about moving passed problems (or moving on if necessary).

Pallisers · 12/04/2017 22:37

jesus Rainy, how did you get from there being a yuck factor in watching your parents (or indeed anyone) popping upstairs after dinner for a quick 30 minute shag every single night to "after death still belonging to your husband if diviorced"??? That is quite a leap there.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 12/04/2017 22:58

Hmm I was going to post my average (2x a week.. sometimes 1, sometimes 3x) but OP the updates make me worry more about the relationship.. jealous, controlling what you wear etc.. massive red flags as PP have said. This is not an issue of differing sex drives. He's insecure and wants to control you. Probably doesn't see you as an autonomous equal person deep down. Has he ever accused you of cheating?

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