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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to change my surname?

24 replies

Bobsmyaunty · 12/04/2017 12:20

I got married 5 years ago and kept my maiden name. Now that my passport is up for renewal I have researched the implications of carrying on this way ... and it turns out that to travel solo with my kids (DD4 and DD2) I will need to carry their birth certificates with me AND my marriage certificate.

I get that this is for child-protection purposes, however this whole set up is annoying!

Would I be unreasonable to change the name on my passport to my married name and keep everything else listed under my maiden name? Or will this have legal / financial / confusing-administrative implications?

OP posts:

ZilphasHatpin · 12/04/2017 12:22

I will need to carry their birth certificates with me AND my marriage certificate.

That's not really a big issue is it? It's 3 sheets of paper to carry with the rest of your paperwork (boarding passes, passports)

SuburbanRhonda · 12/04/2017 12:23

I've heard this before but I never had any trouble travelling to and from Germany with children when we lived there (I've kept my name). Though maybe it's different if you start your journey outside the UK.

ohtheshameshameshame · 12/04/2017 12:24

Are you sure? I've travelled with my DC and we don't share a name?

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 12/04/2017 12:27

Is this a new rule? My DS has my maiden name, I have my DH's name, and whilst we were questioned about it in the US (who couldn't understand that DH was his father if they didn't share a name) they just asked DS who said we were his mum and dad. He's nearly 17 now so obviously no longer an issue, but when did this rule come.in?

EdithWeston · 12/04/2017 12:30

It is a total PITA to have more than one name side by side.

So I'd go for sticking to the name you want to be, and using that across all officialdom.

Yes, you may need to demonstrate that small DC are yours when you travel. But that's not for very long (bored teens telling border officials that of course she's mum and yes of course we're going on holiday being equally effective as carrying a sheaf of papers).

Oddly enough, we've only ever been asked about it on return to UK.

DancingLedge · 12/04/2017 12:37

It is possible to get put in your new passport, on a notes page, "the holder is the wife of xxxxx"
If xxxx has the same surname as the DC, that is an official link between you and them.

As all the documents and children stuff has been tightened in recent years, so I think you're right to travel with documentary proof of family id as well.

Bizarrely enough, sometimes there can be a problem with a passport name change in these circumstances. If you change name on passport at time of marriage, it is assumed that this will now be your new name, and passport is issued OK. If, a few years after marriage you now apply to change passport to your married name, they may ask for evidence that this is the name you use in everyday life. Something about being uncomfortable with you having two identities iyswIm. Although this rule is randomly sometimes applied and sometimes not.

pipsqueak25 · 12/04/2017 12:41

why is it so difficult to carry extra paperwork if this is your choice to keep your name ? it's hardly going to add much weight to the luggage.

Katiepoes · 12/04/2017 13:04

I carry the papers. I have the same - I have a different name and nationality to my daughter. It's just an extra sheet that I keep clipped to my daughter's passport, and for those wondering I have had to show it every single time. I travel alone withe her fairly often and we also carry a copy of my husband's passport and a permission form - that bit annoys me I admit but I do it.

sailorcherries · 12/04/2017 13:05

I understand the frustration but it works in reverse too (children with mothers surname on holiday with father) and in unmarried situations the unaccompanied adult also needs a letter from the other parent okaying the holiday.

From what I understand it's a new safeguarding measure against child abduction by parents.

My children will both be double barrelled and I'm not sure how that affects things, but carrying a few extra pieces of paper is hardly the end of the world.

MrsMeeseeks · 12/04/2017 13:07

I have a different surname from DS and have travelled abroad with him without any trouble.

Vagndidit · 12/04/2017 13:11

I kept my maiden name and in 9+ years I've only been questioned twice while travelling solo with DS...in the Netherlands and Canada. And in both cases, they were fine with just a birth certificate or letter. Don't know why you'd need a marriage certificate though....? Would it make you any less of a mother if you weren't married to your DC's fathet?

FanaticalFox · 12/04/2017 13:11

Just change your name on the passport and everywhere else? It makes things so complicated if you have 2 different surnames everywhere! Is there a reason why you don't want to change it everywhere? I've recently done it and it didnt take long.

Gallavich · 12/04/2017 13:18

You don't need the marriage certificate! I keep a scanned copy of ds birth certificate on my desktop and print a new copy every time I need to go away. It's far far less hassle than having a passport in the wrong name would be.

Tiggerific1984 · 12/04/2017 13:44

My dd has her dad's surname. My passport is still in my married name but I got divorced last year. And on her birth certificate it has my maiden name.

So I'm going to have to take loads of stuff with me unless her dad is with us.

(Ex husband is not her father )

Jessicabrassica · 12/04/2017 14:11

I use my maiden name and my married names for different aspects of my life. My passport states that I use both names.

Trb17 · 12/04/2017 14:34

It's not a blanket rule (I work in travel) but some airlines and some destinations require this extra paperwork now to combat child trafficking.

Roomster101 · 12/04/2017 14:43

I think the whole new rule is ridiculous. In this day and age there are much better ways of checking that children are travelling with their parents. e.g. they could add the names of parents to children's passports. It's not as if the having the same surname is fullproof anyway. I bet a large proportion of those flying from Cardiff airport have the same surname i.e. Jones despite not being related.

Original poster

Bobsmyaunty · 12/04/2017 18:09

Jessicabrassica - how did you arrange for your passport to state both your married and maiden name? That sounds idea!l!

OP posts:

luckylucky24 · 12/04/2017 18:12

I didn't have to show any documents when travelling when DS was little.

Ellisandra · 12/04/2017 18:17

You don't need to carry loads of paperwork.
My child has her father's surname - my XH, though I never changed mine on marriage.

We entered the UK two days ago, as it happened.

I have a letter that I typed with both our names and addresses and mobile number and signatures, and the words "we the undersigned divorced parents of X hereby give permission for each parent to travel abroad with her". I added a scanned photo of all 3 passports and my marriage certificate (to link me to his surname). The border officer said "great - that covers it all, thanks".
One piece of paper folded inside her passport.

Last time I had left the letter in the wrong bag (hold luggage!). They just asked her a few questions.

Katiepoes · 12/04/2017 18:18

It's not a rule - but if you are asked to show any proof that the kid with you is yours that's all you have, and in the Netherlands at least (where I live) the border control people at passport checks will ask, and will stop you travelling if they are suspicious. Even if they let you through it's stressful and you risk missing your flight. I can't speak for the UK but here at least you will be asked - so far for me every single time leaving and arriving, and the checks in Ireland are increasing.

Of course it's not foolproof but for the sake of carrying one piece of paper why make life hard? Sure seems easier than changing your name. Not sure what your marriage cert is needed for though as per previous posters.

Tiggerific1984 · 12/04/2017 18:23

I'd need to take my divorce certificate and her birth certificate if I was going abroad without my partner. But that's not likely to happen. I want my passport back in my maiden name but as I can't afford it right now and it's valid for another 3 years I'm waiting.

EdithWeston · 12/04/2017 18:28

' I 'didn't have to show any documents when travelling when DS was little.'

No, nor did I when they were little. But there have been checks more recently. It can and does happen.

Though once DC can answer confidently for themselves, the need for paperwork seems to ebb. Those conversations with border officials aren't polite chitchat, they're the chance for the person (who is trained in this) to see if you seem 'right' together.

(I have told my DC that if they ever carry out their threat to say 'it's not really a holiday, she's not my mum, she's taking me to a film set and I'm going to be famous' I will murder them in the spot )

Ellisandra · 12/04/2017 18:35

Edith I've also had The Serious Talk with my 8yo! She's exactly the type to say "actually she's not my real mother, she stole me when I was a baby, I'm actually a princess"

I have also found that the questions are definitely about checking how comfortable the child is to be with you. I won't share what has been asked of my daughter (we've been through it 3x) but it's definitely chit chat to assess her comfort level, nothing that could obviously be drilled in. They don't say "is this your mum".

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