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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have given him a chance

100 replies

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 10:17

Hi all, posting here mainly for traffic.

I moved in with my partner of four years for the first time 2 weeks ago. I was horrendously nervous about our future even when signing the lease but did it anyway. Fast forward a week, I broke down and ended the relationship on Sunday because I didn't feel happy, then changed my mind on Monday and asked him to come back after work to talk. He went to the pub with his friends and showed up at 11pm to talk; I asked him to leave.

We've lived together barely two weeks, should I give things a try? I adore him but I'm very unhappy about a lot of things.

OP posts:
DrumrollPlease · 12/04/2017 17:16

You pushed him away, pulled him back and then pushed him away again. Now you're contemplating continuing this cycle. This is surely not healthy, and despite his apparent faults (you seem to be using these to justify your behaviour), you are the one who chose to move in with him.

This is not a healthy relationship- for either party, by the sound of it. There won't be a happy ending unless you (both) change.

Original poster
CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 18:40

That's correct, flibflob.

General consensus is that I'm a cunt, then. Righto

OP posts:
SpreadYourHappiness · 12/04/2017 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NotJustAWife · 12/04/2017 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NoFucksImAQueen · 12/04/2017 19:06

Ffs no you are not a cunt. The break up then change your mind wasn't great but it's been building hasn't it. Like you say, you didn't take the decision lightly.
However I think you did make the right decision and should stay apart. He will be killing your self esteem

NoFucksImAQueen · 12/04/2017 19:07

The ffs was aimed at the 2 posters above me

Atenco · 12/04/2017 19:20

I don't think you are a cunt, OP, but I do think that there are too many things you want to change about this man, meaning that he is not the right person for you.

And personally I could not live in a sexless relationship

iloveruby · 12/04/2017 19:27

Slow hand clap for spreadyourhappiness and notjustawife......

OP - You are absolutely not a cunt and ignore the two posters who said you were. You made a mistake. We all make mistakes. You've recognised that - so now the question is how do you move on towards a situation you are happy with.

The positives are that you've started at uni which shows clearly you had reasons to relocate other than moving in with him.
I would focus on building up a network of friends where you are now, taking in a lodger if you need to financially, and enjoying the freedom that comes with no longer being with a manchild who can't look after themselves.

You are going to be absolutely fine.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/04/2017 19:41

I don't think you're a cunt at all! You simply made a bad choice to move in with someone you were in a long distance relationship with.

DH and I also had a long distance relationship. But when I moved to be near him it was into my own flat and I had a full time job (actually, I had a Govt job and got a transfer). We didn't move in together for 6 months AND I had an engagement ring on my finger. We both wanted to be sure the other was everything they seemed to be before living together.

I think you've learnt a valuable lesson.

peachgreen · 12/04/2017 21:42

OP you are really not a cunt. Ending relationships is hard. People mess up when they try to do it. It's normal. But this guy is just useless and not making you happy. You made the right decision to end things.

flibflob · 12/04/2017 22:31

OP you are not a cunt and I've reported the PPs who called you one. As I said, you obviously didn't handle it well at all but what's done is done and there's no point playing moral top trumps.

I agree with PPs that you've learned a valuable lesson - I would advise you to take some time out to yourself and build a life in this new place without him. How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

If he actively makes changes and you think you can work things out in the future, great! But for now I would take several steps back.

Did he come round tonight in the end? How did it go? Be kind to yourself, we've all made mistakes. Flowers

joannegrady90 · 12/04/2017 22:34

You're not a cunt but you are fucking him about...

NotJustAWife · 12/04/2017 22:45

The OP called herself a cunt, we merely agreed. I'm confused.

Getting reported for agreeing with the OP...ok. Grin

iloveruby · 12/04/2017 23:57

The OP is beating herself up unnecessarily about ending the relationship. By 'agreeing' with her - that "she is a cunt" - you are being unnecessarily harsh and judgemental. Not exactly the most empathetic way to react to someone who has admitted they suffer from anxiety.

Yes she has made mistakes. No, she isn't a cunt.

kimann · 13/04/2017 00:15

yikes- OP, what a mess. I think yabu with regards as to how you've treated him - you are messing him about a little. You can't break up with him and then suddenly decide you want him back and get angry when he turns up late. YANBU for wanting to leave someone who is clearly not that into you (judging from your previous posts). Im sorry this has happened, but i think splitting up would be for the best - can you see yourself longterm with him if he remains the same? If the answer is no - then you have your answer. Good luck.

thethoughtfox · 13/04/2017 08:43

I split up with someone a week after signing a year long lease with them. It stung me though because I moved back home with mum and so wasn't on record paying council tax there so I was pursued by the council for council tax for the whole year. I had to pay it.

Original poster
CaptainCabinets · 13/04/2017 10:24

He came over to talk last night and we agreed to very cautiously give things a proper try. He knows I am not happy to let things continue the way they are and has at the very least agreed to address the sex issue - lack of intimacy after what was once a very healthy sexual relationship drives you crazy.

I don't know what the two removed posts said but I can imagine. Apparently those posters have never made a mistake or had a wobble during a massive life change so I'm genuinely happy for them; it's not a nice feeling!

Thank you for the support, we are proceeding very cautiously but hopefully for the better. I think I'm just miserable being stuck at home waiting for uni to start and being able to go back to work (my DBS clearance isn't back yet so I can't get back out there with patients until it's been determined that I'm not an axe murderer!)

OP posts:
notanurse2017 · 13/04/2017 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peachgreen · 13/04/2017 12:58

Crikey. Well, best of luck, OP. I really hope he takes this as the kick up the bum he needs and sorts himself out because you really shouldn't have to "mother" your partner. I've been there and it was soul-destroying.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/04/2017 16:13

Best of luck. Just be sure you don't compromise when it comes to how he treats you for the sake of 'trying again'.

Original poster
CaptainCabinets · 15/01/2018 23:13

Just found this again whilst flicking through my threads and I'm pleased to update you all that we're still together and happier than we ever were before. He's learnt how to do housework Wink and the circumcision is being discussed with the GP.

The update you never knew you needed Grin

OP posts:
apacketofcrisps · 16/01/2018 00:43

ITS only being ‘discussed’ all these months later? Is he having sex now then?

hungryhippo90 · 16/01/2018 01:00

captain....i need to know the answer to apacketofcrisps question.... how is the sexlife? cant believe its taken this long... i hope things are going better with that..

Original poster
CaptainCabinets · 16/01/2018 01:00

The sex issue is getting better. We both lost some weight, got fitter and happier with ourselves, the foreskin is still an issue but he's bitten the bullet now and taken steps to start getting himself sorted.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 16/01/2018 07:13

8 months later and he's just started 'taking steps'?! You're a more patient woman than I am, OP! Glad you're happy either way. Smile

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