To not have given him a chance

[CaptainCabinets]

Hi all, posting here mainly for traffic.

I moved in with my partner of four years for the first time 2 weeks ago. I was horrendously nervous about our future even when signing the lease but did it anyway. Fast forward a week, I broke down and ended the relationship on Sunday because I didn't feel happy, then changed my mind on Monday and asked him to come back after work to talk. He went to the pub with his friends and showed up at 11pm to talk; I asked him to leave.

We've lived together barely two weeks, should I give things a try? I adore him but I'm very unhappy about a lot of things.

Because what man wants a scalpel anywhere near his nether regions I'm just sad for him that his mum never noticed when he was a kid.

Oh nope, he still masturbates!

Why on earth did you move in with him when it's quite obvious your relationship has run its course?

Most men want a healthy sex life though

A man who wants to have sex with his partner like a grown up, presumably?

You're placing a LOT of blame on his mum here! He's 30 years old, he really should take responsibility for himself.

I was so excited until about 2/3 days before we signed. I signed anyway thinking it was just nerves because I know nerves are a biiiig problem for me.

Oh absolutely, his mum's a whole other kettle of fish. I adore her but I think she has a lot to do with the way he is.

Okay, ignoring the house situation: what are you getting out of this relationship? Not just that you love him, but actually what is it giving you?

And again: he's a grown man, no matter what his mum is like he should have moved out and learned how to fend for himself by now.

CaptainCabinets no it's not obvious, it was a genuine question so no need to be snarky.

For all I knew you had a complex about them not that it was a medical need.

what man wants a scalpel anywhere near his nether regions grin

What on earth can the scalpel do that doesn't happen already every time he rises? Sorry if I seem obsessed, I just can't understand why he's not got this sorted out yet. Is it not as painful and nasty as it sounds?

For that alone I'd be questioning the relationship. Quite apart from the impact on intimacy, it just shows such a staggering lack of self care.

Anyway, foreskingate aside, you sound so miserable and out of sorts that I think you need to stay apart. He doesn't sound as though he brings one ounce of anything positive to you and your experiences with him are changing you as a person and not for the better.

It's always a bad sign when ruminating about his faults takes up this amount of your time and headspace.

Stop weighing yourself down with all this emotional baggage when you've got a lot on your plate already.

Sounds trite but you really only do get one life so stop wasting so much of yours on someone who by the sounds of it is really not for you in the long run.

You will have known before signing the lease that he was a man-child, you can't have just discovered that.

YABU to expect him to change apparently everything about himself

And to change your mind repeatedly.

Oh and if i'd just split up with my partner, then they said oh actually I changed my mind, I expect i'd be so headf*ed i'd be in the pub instead too and not wanting to respond to your every whim.

You've brought this on yourself

Yabu,you finished with him.He made other plans and didn't want to come over.
If you had doubts,the time to finish it was before you signed any legal documents. You already knew what he was like,he didn't just suddenly morph in to this other person the minute you signed on the dotted line.

I think AIBU is not for you,maybe ask for this to be moved to relationship.

Despite your dripfeeds, I agree with PinkHeart. You've treated him awfully. Maybe that's because your unhappy, but that doesn't justify it.

I think ywbu to sign the lease.

This is not a relationship.

You need to make plans to move forward on your own however that would be. Can you transfer uni and move home? OR stay and build a new life for yourself.

Trying to make something work seems far too hard.

YANBU to want to end a relationship that doesn't work for you.

As far as the lease goes, my cousin's DD had the same situation, their relationship broke down and neither of them could afford the rent on their own. Her ex-fiance skipped out and left her there and she then became fully liable for the rent. She was able to talk the landlord out of the lease, mostly because she lived in a highly desirable building so he knew there would be no problem leasing the flat. She put in her notice and they did a 'break lease' agreement, but she was stuck with agreeing to a 60 day (unless he got a tenant earlier) notice instead of the customary 30.

Can you afford the flat on your own? Can he? That's where you start negotiations. Would there be any way you and he could 'step backwards' and agree to be roommates, at least until the lease can be broken or is up?

You say you 'can't' move back where you lived before. You can , but are choosing not to because you've started school. That's a good reason, but if it's not 'do-able' on your own, you may have to. It's never good to stay in a bad relationship, no matter what the reason.

SO much dripfeed here ...

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, OP, or turn a frog into a prince by kissing them.

Wait for someone worthwhile to come along, someone who you don't feel the need to change.

At first I was going to say this is all your anxiety talking (I should know, I suffer huge anxiety when going through life changes and it was massive when DH and I moved in together). But having read the rest of your posts I'm not sure this relationship is worth salvaging tbh...

I didn't want to dripfeed but I also didn't want to divulge too much information

I find some of the comments lacking in passion about not getting a circumcision. People let themselves die of cancer or all their teeth fall out for the fear of the doctor/dentist. Personally I would have had the op but I'm not him.

That said, the two of you both seem to have incompatible personalities. I would cut my losses.

You can find a flat mate and ask your landlord to change the lease. As long as the rent is coming in this shouldn't be a problem. Then you'll have to buy some furniture I imagine.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but didn't the OP say they've only just gone from long distance to living together? So it's possible she didn't know the full extent of his man-childishness until they moved in together - Captain is that right?