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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have given him a chance

100 replies

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 10:17

Hi all, posting here mainly for traffic.

I moved in with my partner of four years for the first time 2 weeks ago. I was horrendously nervous about our future even when signing the lease but did it anyway. Fast forward a week, I broke down and ended the relationship on Sunday because I didn't feel happy, then changed my mind on Monday and asked him to come back after work to talk. He went to the pub with his friends and showed up at 11pm to talk; I asked him to leave.

We've lived together barely two weeks, should I give things a try? I adore him but I'm very unhappy about a lot of things.

OP posts:

NotJustAWife · 12/04/2017 11:50

All of these things you knew about when you moved in together. If I were him I would be raging. You have acted incredibly selfishly.

plimsolls · 12/04/2017 11:51

From that list OP, I'm with you. I wouldn't be jumping to say you've treated him appallingly. I think he may be pushing your buttons and passive aggressively winding you up. Ignoring you and doing things like not acknowledging your birthday is not just "not making you feel special" it's actually cruel and a mindfuck.

I think your actions since signing the lease have been the result of you knowing deep down this is the wrong relationship but having been conditioned to believe you're wrong.

I think he was unpleasant to you after you moved in together, you asked him to leave (because you know this is a bad relationship) , you then doubted yourself (as he's conditioned you to feel this way) you asked him to come back to talk and he punished you/wound you up by having a leisurely trip to the pub first.

Original poster

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 11:52

No, I'm the one who moved to be with him. Away from my job, family and friends. Like I've said, he was fully aware of the things I am upset about yet has made no effort to change them which led to me ending things. I changed my mind because I felt he deserved the chance to put things right.

OP posts:

Original poster

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 11:56

Apologies for the dripfeed by the way, I was just reluctant to post anything identifying!

OP posts:

iLoveCamelCase · 12/04/2017 11:58

Ok. I can definitely see why his behaviours have upset you but moving to be with him and leaving behind your support network, whilst knowing your were unhappy, was a foolish move and you've left both you and him in a difficult predicament. It doesn't sound like a functional relationship you are both now responsible for paying the rent for 12 months. You need to have an adult conversation with him about how to proceed.

ThePigletatwork · 12/04/2017 12:00

Well love, looking at that list I have to wonder why you were moving in with him at all.
He doesn't sound like a keeper.

flibflob · 12/04/2017 12:05

Neither of you come out brilliantly from this - but what's done is done and there's no point playing moral top trumps.

In your shoes, I would leave each other to it. Take each day at a time. The combination of his behaviour (which is appalling) and your serious nerves about the future culminating in your decision on Sunday, I would consider the relationship over.

Original poster

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 12:05

Also to PP, I haven't 'used my anxiety and depression to justify myself'; if you read my comment, you'll notice that I simply mentioned my fragile mental state and that I wasn't sure if it was casting a shadow over the whole situation. I didn't say "I dumped him because I'm currently out of control of my own brain so it doesn't count." Not everyone understands MH issues and that's fine, but please try not to judge sufferers; nobody chooses to feel like a lunatic.

OP posts:

Stormtreader · 12/04/2017 12:16

Sorry but it sounds like to me that you knew what he was like, and have now dumped him after signing the lease because you thought that now you were both stuck with each other, you had the upper hand and he would have to change to what you wanted.

iLoveCamelCase · 12/04/2017 12:19

Definitely no judgement. When I wrote my post, it crossed with your list of his poor behaviours which you hadn't fully explained and which casts a different light on things.

Original poster

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 12:26

I just don't know whether to give things a proper try; how the hell do we truly know what the other would be like to live with unless we just bloody have a go! He's coming over after work to discuss things but if I have hurt him too much for him to try again, I will accept that and let him go.

OP posts:

SparkleGoldGlitter · 12/04/2017 13:12

I do think it's bad form to say I want to break up and change your mind 24 hours later, If dh ever done that to me I would be going to the pub too. I don't like games and ending a relationship then saying oh come running back to me imo is game playing

If your not happy in this relationship then you end things for good and please don't enter a relationship thinking someone will change in to what you want-they won't! People are what they are and can rarely change so you either have to accept that or find someone else. plenty more fish in the sea and all that

DontPullThatTubeOut · 12/04/2017 13:17

If you truly want to move on you have to stop "breaking up" so easily. It's childish and frustrating and I don't blame him for staying at the pub, he is an adult and unless what he does or how he does it has any affect on you, then you can't say he doesn't want to "adult" as we all do so differently.

If you knew you didn't get on and you knew you didn't like him unless he changes, then why did you move closer to live with him? You've caused this yourself, I suggest you move back to where you were and he either keeps the place and lets it out to a lodger to help pay bills, or you both move away and continue to pay rent for an empty place, or you pay him your share of the rent and he stays there or vice versa. I slightly feel you are more in the wrong though, as you knew how you felt but went ahead with this mess anyway. The no sex thing isn't an issue for him but it is you so why did you stay? I can take or leave sex these days but I still love my partner and this doesn't seem to bother him so it's fine. Him not wanting sex is not an issue, you have an issue with it.

Please split now and go your separate ways otherwise you will always have petty arguments and it seems you will always want him to do all the running.

TiredMumToTwo · 12/04/2017 13:21

Seeing as you moved to be with him, have been with him for a while & have only just moved in with him, I'd give it a proper go - what do you have to lose? I'd have a proper, calm chat & talk through all of your problems with him & he can tell you anything he needs to get off his chest as well. Then you can go from there?

Original poster

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 13:46

This is the only time we've ever split up and it certainly wasn't a decision I took lightly!

The no sex thing is caused by his weight gain (he said so himself, but continues to eat badly and not exercise) and the fact he desperately needs a circumcision (again, he knows this).

I can't move back to where I came from because I've just started uni down here and I'm too old to move into halls!

I love him and I want to be with him but he really just has to step up and show me that he can do 'adult' stuff like food shopping, cooking, using the washing machine etc. He's 30 and has never lived away from home whereas I have so perhaps I'm expecting too much from him. I'm willing to teach him how to do these things but he must show me he's willing to learn instead of leaving household problems for me to deal with. That was my main anxiety about moving in with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 13:49

Even if he doesn't want to have full sex for whatever reason, there are still ways to be intimate with the person you love (kissing, cuddling, foreplay, massages etc) but he seems to not want to do those things either and then wonders why I crave his affection so much. I know he loves me but I don't FEEL it; I'm a very tactile person and it just feels like that part of our relationship has waned.

OP posts:

peachgreen · 12/04/2017 13:55

Forgive me OP but this sounds like a disaster of a relationship and, frankly, one you'd be far better out of. What exactly are you getting out of it? I agree with other posters that you haven't behaved very well but it doesn't sound like he has either. Sharing adult responsibilities and a mutually-satisfying (whatever that looks like for you personally) sex life are two pretty basic, fundamental requirements of a relationship - YANBU to want them.

If he hasn't changed already, he's not going to, imho. I wasted a decade in a relationship with someone like this, hoping he would change like he repeatedly promised to do. He never did.

If I were you I would cut my losses, get a house mate and start an exciting new life with your uni course and in a new town. But either way, stop flip-flopping!

CiderwithBuda · 12/04/2017 13:58

Split. He sounds like incredibly hard work.

You need and deserve an equal relationship with a grown up. Not a man child.

Can you afford the place on your own? Can you get a lodger?

LadyPW · 12/04/2017 13:58

You seem to be saying a lot about what he needs to do to change but you don't seem to be thinking you need to change. Things are rarely that one sided. And starting to live together when you're set on changing all these things about him isn't really a recipe for success.

Original poster

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 14:05

I've asked him if there's anything I need to do to change and the only thing he came up with was sorting my head out. However, I do know I need to stop expecting him to know how to do things if he's never been shown (not his fault he's been mothered, really) but I do want to see some enthusiasm to learn.

OP posts:

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 12/04/2017 14:36

Sorry, but why does he "desperately need a circumcision?"

Original poster

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2017 14:41

I would've thought it obvious but...his foreskin is far too tight so the tip of his penis bulges and goes purple. When we have sex, his foreskin can't retract far enough so it splits.

OP posts:

OnionKnight · 12/04/2017 14:44

Your relationship sounds like a train crash, I suggest that you stay split up.

PoorYorick · 12/04/2017 14:46

When we have sex, his foreskin can't retract far enough so it splits.

Ouch! Why on earth hasn't he got it removed already if it's causing him this sort of pain and trouble? Sounds like he would more than qualify getting it done on the NHS.

On your original question, you don't owe anyone an explanation for ending your relationship (except of course your partner, assuming they're not abusive). If you're not happy, and it sounds like you're not, you don't have to justify your decision in any court. If you are so unsure of what you want at all, perhaps it's best to be single a while and get to know yourself before you enter another relationship.

peachgreen · 12/04/2017 14:49

The thought of being in a relationship with someone so unmotivated that despite having had sexual disfunction serious enough to prevent him having sex (and, presumably, masturbating?) for his entire life he still hasn't bothered to go and do something about it brings me out in hives. I really don't think you can pin this all on him being "mothered" - plenty of men are "mothered" but they still move out before they're 30 and learn how to take care of themselves!

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