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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite in unknown child

81 replies

FlippedUpRightSide · 12/04/2017 09:34

Yesterday meeting a friend who's moved about 40min drive away. When she comes we often go to the park etc but have lunch at mine first, not always but mostly it's convenient after the drive.

I text 'meet park just after lunch?', she'd be in area earlier for shopping she said from 10. But then she said her son was brining a friend. If relevant I have 4 kids, she has 2 so a house full anyway. I presumed then if brining a child I'd never met she'd sort out lunch and meet us at the park. She presumed I'd have him round to feed as I often do. I don't mind the feeding, I'd happily bring a picnic, but I never invite unknown children I've never met. Over the years I've been well and truely burnt with some horror stories of kids who hurt my younger ones/ trash the house/ are argumentative. Her son is a bit of a handful (though I like him) and does tend to be friends with some boisterous boys. If I don't meet kids first I don't have them round anymore. My house is no palace, it's more the ones who shove the toddler and paint the walls that caused the rule! Locally is not unusual behaviour! My children aren't saints, but aren't violent or distructive.

Who is bu?

OP posts:
Hissy · 12/04/2017 10:44

I don't understand, did she turn up early to your house, or did she say 'Oh I thought we were coming to you?' or 'We're in the area early, ok to come round?'

Its holidays, if someone had my son for the day and went to meet up with friends with kids I'd be fine with it, i'd trust them.

I don't understand your outrage, what have I missed?

NotYoda · 12/04/2017 10:46

Notepad-tbh I wouldn't have said no to her coming, but no I wouldn't have wanted it either. I suggested meeting at the park because i wasn't really up for it (I've never been to her house in return so I don't feel hugely guilty)

i think some AssertIveness would really help you here. Rather than agreeing to things then feeling resentful, you find ways to say how you really feel, clearly and directly. It starts with an assumption that other people are allowed to ask BUT you are allowed to say No to things that don't suit you.

A good book I recommend a lot is 'A Woman In Your Own Right; Assertiveness and You" by Anne Dickson

Original poster
FlippedUpRightSide · 12/04/2017 10:47

HISsy- I said 'let's meet in the park after lunch'. She is annoyed is then turned up at my house for lunch and I wasn't in because we often, but not always, lunch here before the park. I presumed she wasn't coming as I'd neither expressly invited her and presumed she wouldn't come round with another child anyway.

OP posts:
Hissy · 12/04/2017 10:48

OK, got it now. She should have checked and to pitch up way before the time you'd said is odd. She should have checked, what if DH was out too?

You were not expecting them to yours for lunch, you suggested meeting after lunch but she turned up before.

She is being unreasonable, it puts your H on the spot and interferes with your plans. Lunch is kind of an aside, but I can see why you would be miffed.

Original poster
FlippedUpRightSide · 12/04/2017 10:48

I'm not the outraged party in all this. I am target of outage/ bemused

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Original poster
FlippedUpRightSide · 12/04/2017 10:50

To be fair 7/9 times we've eaten here first, hence the presumption. But I presumed she had other plans, as find it odd to bring strange kids to others houses

OP posts:
Hissy · 12/04/2017 10:50

she is annoyed? She has very little scope to be! nothing was arranged at all in the way that she has made it all

When did you say about meeting up at the park, was that on the day? or beforehand

Sounds like she's odd tbh

NotYoda · 12/04/2017 10:50

It's all very unclear and indirect - this thread and your communication with your friend

pilotswife · 12/04/2017 10:51

Seriously??? Can't believe what I've just read .....and I have 4 kids too !

Original poster
FlippedUpRightSide · 12/04/2017 10:51

So Yoda... when you find things unclear you don't clarify, you'd just turn up? I wouldn't

OP posts:
GotToGetMyFingerOut · 12/04/2017 10:52

Had she not of been bringing the kid, would you of invited them round for lunch before the Park?

She was unreasonable just turning up when you text to meet at the park after lunch. Had she been given plenty of notice. If she text that's us on our way have got d's friend with us. Then started heading to yours as normal. Then she may not of seen the reply from you saying meet us at the park.

I honestly couldn't get so wound up about one more kid though. I'd presume friend would be supervising. The previous examples you gave were of you supervising.

Timeforteaplease · 12/04/2017 10:53

Then YANBU.
I would say sorry to her for the confusion but you thought you had arranged to meet at the park after lunch - you'd sent a text saying this and she had not got back to you with anything different. That's all you can do.

Original poster
FlippedUpRightSide · 12/04/2017 10:54

I texted early am to meet at park at 1pm as nice day, she texted to say yes and about bringing friend and being on the area early due to shopping. Only two texts

OP posts:
Hissy · 12/04/2017 10:55

She is wrong to assume anything, the extra child is irrelevant.

I don't think it was wrong of her to have brought the extra child, per se, but turning up when it wasn't clear what you had arranged is presumptuous.

It may be that because you already have 4 kids, she thinks a couple more won't make much difference

ZilphasHatpin · 12/04/2017 10:55

Ran through mud on way home, left shoes in mud puddle. Tried to run into main road more than once. Tried to run muddy socks through house, climbed over sofa tops and broke chair back. Turned over every box or storage in house.

I don't follow them round in the way some parents do with one child, I have a baby and toddler so they need to have some ability to self occupy calmly rather than being trailed after whilst they spiritedly express themselves

Out on the road is not the time they need to self occupy! You really need better control of them than what you have described.

Hissy · 12/04/2017 10:56

x-post

Oh YANBU...

it was absolutely agreed what the plan was and she changed it. Her being annoyed is totally ridiculous.

what has she said?

fakenamefornow · 12/04/2017 10:57

YANBU op. I always make a child submit a CV and sit an interview before letting them in my house.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 12/04/2017 10:57

So she was clearly hinting she was already in area and was wanting you to suggest lunch? Then when you didn't she just turned up.

You'd already said to meet at the park before even knowing about the extra kid and weren't planning lunch at yours at all. So she is bu.

bananacake1 · 12/04/2017 10:57

I've had kids round - whom I've invited - who have behaved in my home in a way that I presume they never would in their own. Typically, they did not get invited again, or if they did and were just as badly behaved, then I'd be resolute that there would never be a third chance.

I think its the same sort of mentality where people behave badly when on holiday in someone else's country but would think it completely unacceptable if they saw someone do it in their own town.

Original poster
FlippedUpRightSide · 12/04/2017 10:57

My 6 yr old zilp can walk next to me whilst I push a double buggy. It honestly never occurred to me others didn't, in retrospect they always have their hands held and are not expected to be sensible in the same way. It was an incompatible combination, double buggy and children who are always held

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NotYoda · 12/04/2017 10:59

But you didn't wait to see whether she'd got your text saying meet at the park. You didn't wait for her reply. You don't even know she got that in time. So you've both not checked properly (talking to each other would solve that).

Original poster
FlippedUpRightSide · 12/04/2017 11:00

I sent my text first yoda, to suggest going to the park and the time to meet

OP posts:
GotToGetMyFingerOut · 12/04/2017 11:01

Yoda op sent the text "meet at park after lunch". Friend then replied 'yes, been in town shopping since 10 and got d's friend with us'

NotYoda · 12/04/2017 11:02

It took me ages to type that and in the meantime you've said she said yes to meeting at the park. Useful info.

This has been a bit tiring for a two page thread

Original poster
FlippedUpRightSide · 12/04/2017 11:02

You have found it tricky yes yoda.

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