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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite in unknown child

81 replies

FlippedUpRightSide · 12/04/2017 09:34

Yesterday meeting a friend who's moved about 40min drive away. When she comes we often go to the park etc but have lunch at mine first, not always but mostly it's convenient after the drive.

I text 'meet park just after lunch?', she'd be in area earlier for shopping she said from 10. But then she said her son was brining a friend. If relevant I have 4 kids, she has 2 so a house full anyway. I presumed then if brining a child I'd never met she'd sort out lunch and meet us at the park. She presumed I'd have him round to feed as I often do. I don't mind the feeding, I'd happily bring a picnic, but I never invite unknown children I've never met. Over the years I've been well and truely burnt with some horror stories of kids who hurt my younger ones/ trash the house/ are argumentative. Her son is a bit of a handful (though I like him) and does tend to be friends with some boisterous boys. If I don't meet kids first I don't have them round anymore. My house is no palace, it's more the ones who shove the toddler and paint the walls that caused the rule! Locally is not unusual behaviour! My children aren't saints, but aren't violent or distructive.

Who is bu?

OP posts:
Timeforteaplease · 12/04/2017 10:18

Were you at home when she arrived?
Is she cross with you because you weren't there?

Llanali · 12/04/2017 10:18

Two issues- the one where neither of you were clear on lunch plans and the one about an unknown child.

Both of which are non issues in my house. Friends are always welcome to drop in, and I wouldn't turn my nose up, or them away, if they had a plus one with them either!

NotYoda · 12/04/2017 10:19

There will be two adults there - you and her - to supervise, and just one extra child. If you would be happy for her to come round and eat, as you've been in the past, then I don't think one extra is much difference.

If it were me, I ask 'Do you mind, I'm bringing X?' but OTOH I'm not surprised that she doesn't realise it would be a problem for you.

gamerchick · 12/04/2017 10:20

Well I'm with you OP. You don't assume that it's fine to take random kids to someone else's house. Talk about took for granted Hmm

NotYoda · 12/04/2017 10:20

I think a phone conversation could sort all this, too. Texting, when you've got a cob on is not very efficient means of communicating

Original poster
FlippedUpRightSide · 12/04/2017 10:21

I was I think when the older were small maybe asier goong, total open house. But we acquired so many who came so much, he news who disrespected the house hugely or fought. Who brought kids who ignored us and ate me out of house and home. It was tiring and expensive and 4 kids in I guess the rules have changed.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 12/04/2017 10:21

Would you have been happy for just her to come and eat?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 12/04/2017 10:21

I'm exhausted just reading your explanations about the texts, the plans, the wild twins, etc.
It was one extra DC. Your friend would have been supervising them because they brought them. I wouldn't have had a problem with this.

VintagePerfumista · 12/04/2017 10:22

Your house your rules. Absolutely.

But the fact that you seem to have had a veritable list of undesirables not behaving as you'd wish with your kids might say more about you than the undesirables tbh.

Or you attract yobs. Which is unlikely.

Timeforteaplease · 12/04/2017 10:22

I'm with the OP too - if you make plans to meet at a park after lunch, turning up beforehand at somebody's house expecting lunch is BU.
The extra child is irrelevant - you don't invite yourself round to a mates for lunch when you have plans to meet later.

blaeberry · 12/04/2017 10:22

I think it was rude of the mum to turn up early and expect to be fed - it wouldn't be unusual for me not to have food in. In this circumstance I might suggest she bought some sandwiches from a local shop for her crew whilst I made up a picnic for mine and suggest we meet at the park with our lunches as that was where you had planned to meet. Whether I would invite in an additional child would depend on what I knew of my visitors. Mostly I would no problem but there are a few kids I know I wouldn't let in my house for various reasons (mostly how they treat my kids) and a couple more where I would only have them on their own.

NotYoda · 12/04/2017 10:23

She didn't turn up. She texted. Honestly, call her.

Original poster
FlippedUpRightSide · 12/04/2017 10:26

Notepad-tbh I wouldn't have said no to her coming, but no I wouldn't have wanted it either. I suggested meeting at the park because i wasn't really up for it (I've never been to her house in return so I don't feel hugely guilty)

OP posts:
Trollspoopglitter · 12/04/2017 10:26

If my child was on play date and he went to some random friend of friend's house instead of the park, I wouldn't be impressed. So I think it's your friend who is being unreasonable, unless she checked with the parents of this child that it was ok to take him to some stranger's house in another city.

Original poster
FlippedUpRightSide · 12/04/2017 10:29

Vintage- the school has big issues with behaviour, as noted in a few ofsted results. I've seen entertainers walk out of more than one party. I'm surprised frankly if you haven't met a fair few kids who struggle with boundaries, especially if you have a baby and supervise less than they usually have

OP posts:
Timeforteaplease · 12/04/2017 10:30

I can't work out from the posts what happened actually here...

upperlimit · 12/04/2017 10:30

kids who ignored us and ate me out of house and home. It was tiring and expensive and 4 kids in I guess the rules have changed

This is one extra kid for lunch Confused. This carry on is hugely disproportional.

Original poster
FlippedUpRightSide · 12/04/2017 10:31

I heavily supervise one of mine at other houses as he does join in himself, but not everyone does this.

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 12/04/2017 10:31

Have lunch out. No-one wants all that mess!

ZilphasHatpin · 12/04/2017 10:33

TBH the problem sounds like you don't really have much control over any of the children in your home/care.

origamiwarrior · 12/04/2017 10:37

Your friend is being unreasonable in assuming she can come for lunch without a definitive invite. This is regardless of having an extra child. She sounds entitled.

You are being unreasonable to not invite a friend for lunch because she has an extra child with her, and you are being doubly unreasonable to think that she should somehow intuit that having an extra child means lunch is definitely off the cards (whereas had she just had her own children with her, it would have been fine for her to assume she was invited).

Not sure what your issue is here? Her entitlement (YANBU) or having an extra child for lunch (YABU)

Original poster
FlippedUpRightSide · 12/04/2017 10:40

I've said above, I went out before the park. I presumed she was doing her thing and I did my own thing. She knocked and only dh was in.

Zilp- yep. I don't. I don't follow them round in the way some parents do with one child, I have a baby and toddler so they need to have some ability to self occupy calmly rather than being trailed after whilst they spiritedly express themselves

OP posts:
aprilsdelight · 12/04/2017 10:42

Yanbu,at the very least she should have asked if it's ok first knowing that they'd all be eating at your house. Not her place to force a random child you know nothing about on you. Not fair on your kids either.

ifonly4 · 12/04/2017 10:43

How about park and lunch out. That way you haven't got to worry about having an unknown child in your house and she'll be responsible for looking after other child.

catkind · 12/04/2017 10:44

You explicitly suggested a different arrangement - after lunch in the park. If she wanted to change that to lunch at yours she should have explicitly asked; ok, she hinted for an invitation by saying she was in the area but you don't then just assume one if it's not forthcoming. Someone might be busy at a particular time. In fact you were, you were out.
So whatever the situation with extra child, she WBVU for inviting herself over without even telling you.