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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think working from home means working not looking after the children

91 replies

Sofabitch · 10/04/2017 13:49

Grrr. DH has today off work. It's the school holidays. I checked yesterday if he would be Okay with me working from home whilst he looked after the children. He said yes absolutely fine. But he stuck his head in about 2.5 hours ago to say he was going to the Diy store. I said awesome.. assuming he was taking Dcs with. But no he didn't!

AIBU to think this was super inconsiderate of him.

Dcs arent little 8/11/16 so not majorly demanding but the 8 year old still requires attention and has been constantly popping into ask me for things until I gave up and came to sit with them.

They are booked in with child care the rest of the week. But I didnt book today as DH was off!

I can work out if I'm being irrational to be super upset at this.

OP posts:

HotelEuphoria · 10/04/2017 15:11

This has been done to death, it depends upon the nature of your job. I WFH full time, office hours, lots of conference calls, helpdesk support etc

I could no more looks after children and work than I could take them into my Leeds office with me for the day.

However, a sick ten year old at home off school and a 13 year old after school are completely different to a full time toddler at home.

readthethread · 10/04/2017 15:12

mine are 11 and 13
i work LOADS from home and very efficiently

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 10/04/2017 15:22

It does depend on the children too I suspect. My 11 yr old was much more self-contained at 8 than my youngest is now he is 8.
Yes some of my colleagues seem to think that WFH is a duvet day but it is actually very efficient for me and I genuinely do far more than I do at work. The trips to the printer/discuss work with a colleague get replaced with loading the washing machine/pegging out on occasion, but it also means my 3 hr commute time is used efficiently (mostly for work) too. Plus I don't get interrupted every 10 minutes so can carry a chain of thought through. Which links back to me not working at home when the DCs are here I guess.

motherinferior · 10/04/2017 15:27

Maybe some of you can get eight hours' solid work done with small kids around, and have a bit of time off in the evenings and get a decent night's sleep.

I certainly couldn't. Even when they were 13 and 11 the younger one would loaf into my office and whinge about being bored. Actually this is the first year - they're 16 and 13 now - where I can simply get on with stuff, occasionally saying hello to one or the other of them.

Maybe this makes me a bad parent or insufficiently efficient or something, but I need time and space to work at home just as I would in an office.

Walkingtowork · 10/04/2017 15:33

It's not just the supervision/interaction, it's the knowledge that you're responsible for them. I just couldn't focus on work the same way, I'd be more likely to make mistakes.

thatdearoctopus · 10/04/2017 15:42

YANBU - your dh was out of order going out when he was meant to be looking out for the kids, but that said, an 8 year old is old enough to be told "Go away, I'm working," (or words to that effect). You really shouldn't have had to go and "sit with them."

lizzyj4 · 10/04/2017 15:42

I've worked at home for over 20 years, always with children about. At first I had no choice as I was a single parent with three under 5, now I can't imagine working in any other way. Even young children can learn to be quiet when you're on phonecalls/Skype and you can learn to concentrate while they're making noise. When they were very small I had to play catch up when they were asleep, but at 8+ y.o I don't see any issue.

Iamtheresurrection · 10/04/2017 15:45

I've been led to believe that if you work from home to look after a child and something happens to said child there are health and safety implications for your employer.

Of course, that might just have been an excuse for me.

UppityHumpty · 10/04/2017 15:47

@ Iamtheresurrection - that's not true.

Want2bSupermum · 10/04/2017 15:48

One of the reasons I don't use a nanny is so I can work from home and be undisturbed. The DC have been trained to be quiet during phone calls but I can't do two jobs well.

HerOtherHalf · 10/04/2017 15:48

YANBU. For info, I work for a very large corp (one of biggest in UK) that has a very good and progressive policy on working from home. Basically, as long as our manager cannot demonstrate that home working is impractical and detrimental to our job, we are allowed to do it. One thing it does say in our policy however is that home working is not provided to facilitate caring (either occasionally or regularly) for children and that it is unrealistic for the employee to believe they can focus fully on their work and care for kids as the same time. It goes on to say that where it is discovered that a home worker is also caring for their kids the right to work from home may be withdrawn.

melj1213 · 10/04/2017 15:52

YANBU to be annoyed your DH was supposed to be in charge of the DCs and swanned off alone but YABU to not just tell the 8yo to amuse themselves and stop annoying you while you work. 8 is plenty old enough for them to understand that mum is working and not to be disturbed unless someone is bleeding out or the cat is on fire.

I dont WFH but we've been stuck at home as I've had a few different sets of tradesmen all coming to do jobs here today ... my 8yo has had her 7yo cousin over and they've happily been playing either in my DDs room or in the backstreet for most of the day while I've been working with the tradesmen or getting on with general housework. Other than when I called them down for lunch, when I had to pop up to put something in DDs room, and when they came to ask to get a snack and drink (DD always asks before helping herself) I haven't seen them at all today.

motherinferior · 10/04/2017 15:52

Lizzyj, I don't see why I should work surrounded by noise. I cannot see how I'd stay at my desk - in my office with the door shut - working with small kids about.

Ecureuil · 10/04/2017 15:55

The purpose of Working from home greatly depends on how many hours a week you work. In investment banking you will often have clocked up 60 hours by thursday and so wfh on friday can be pretty flexible provided there aren't any deadlines. For example my boss spends Fridays with her kids and is available by phone if needed but won't be on the laptop

Yeah DH works a bit like this. He generally organises his own hours (around necessary conference calls etc) so when he works from home he can often watch the children (2 toddlers) while I pop out/go to the gym etc. He still works 50/60 hours over the week though.

hamandmustard · 10/04/2017 15:56

@ Iamtheresurrection - that's not true.

It might be. Used to work for one of the UKs largest contracting companies and they were very clear that you could not be supervising children whilst working at home. We had to sign annual declarations . They made clear it related to employee insurance.

My children were older.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 10/04/2017 15:58

I think yabu.

8 and 11 is hardly a couple of babies surely they can amuse themselves while dh pops to the diy store?

I mean yes to actually schedule wfh every day looking after DC would be completely unworkable and ignoring them for hours on end isn't great/ boring for them.

LorLorr2 · 10/04/2017 16:12

YANBU. But all you need to do is be clear with him and tell him working from home is not the same thing as childminding. He might have got the wrong end of the stick and assume you can work and supervise the kids.
Just let him know!

UppityHumpty · 10/04/2017 16:16

@hamandmustard - at my workplace contractors aren't provided a work from home benefit and it's uncommon in my industry too. They aren't employees and wfh is usually an employee benefit

Hygellig · 10/04/2017 16:16

He could have easily have taken the two youngest to the store. Working from home is supposed to mean working. I can't see how you can get a day's work done while looking after children.

I knew one mum who said she used to work from home a couple of days a week with a young child - she would get up at 4am, do some work, then do some more after lunch when her child napped, then more in the evening. There is no way I could have done that; I'd have been ready to go back to bed by 7am.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 10/04/2017 16:19

I can't see how you can get a day's work done while looking after children.

Agreed but it wasn't all day, there is a common sense medium somewhere. Tbh there are distractions from working everywhere including in the office ime

MilkRunningOutAgain · 10/04/2017 16:27

This summer holidays, for the first time, I'm planning to have the DCs home & WFH on several days, 1 or 2 days a week. They will be 14 and 11. I've been happy to WFH with just the elder one for several years but am now going to give both at once a try. I do the get up at 4am thing, work til they wake up, stop for breakfast and mess about, start again at about 10 and work til 2pm. That completes my hours for the day and I can then do kid things and cook until DH comes home. Then I go to bed really early cos I'm shattered!

rightsofwomen · 10/04/2017 16:27

lizzy what do you do for your work?
There is no way I can work with my 8 yo at home (unless he is poorly and just flopping about watching telly).
He can't entertain himself for the whole day and neither do I want him to.
I have a brain intensive job and cannot cope with interruptions.

motherinferior · 10/04/2017 16:42

But I don't want to get up at 4am to work. My partner doesn't. I want a bit of a life.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 10/04/2017 16:47

Hygellig: she would get up at 4am, do some work, then do some more after lunch when her child napped, then more in the evening. There is no way I could have done that; I'd have been ready to go back to bed by 7am.

My god I want to go to bed now and my OH took DS downstairs at 7am this morning so I could sleep for another two hours uninterrupted. That's after I went to bed at 10pm. I don't know if this makes me a wiener or these women superhuman. Irritatingly, I do also get my best work done in an evening so when it's daddy's turn for bedtime I can actually kick out a fair amount of stuff if I'm not surfing... ahem but then I'll work till midnight and be destroyed the next day.

I wish the ones who manage successful WFH would share their secrets on how they get it done?

UppityHumpty · 10/04/2017 17:15

I work from home 2-3 days a week. My schedule;

4am gym or brisk walk
5am get the girls school stuff ready, get my lunch ready
6am wake the kids up, showers, breakfasts
7-7:30am - drop both kids to their own separate breakfast clubs at school.
8am - sign in
Work continuously until 6pm with 5min breaks for loo and to get the food I had already prepared.
6pm get kids from dinner club.
8-9pm kids bedtimes
10pm log in again for an hour or two
11pm housework
12-1am bed

It's a lot easier when dh works from home because his work will call him rather than send emails, and so he doesn't physically have to be in an office or tied to a computer. He'll usually forgo breakfast/dinner clubs.

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