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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think working from home means working not looking after the children

91 replies

Sofabitch · 10/04/2017 13:49

Grrr. DH has today off work. It's the school holidays. I checked yesterday if he would be Okay with me working from home whilst he looked after the children. He said yes absolutely fine. But he stuck his head in about 2.5 hours ago to say he was going to the Diy store. I said awesome.. assuming he was taking Dcs with. But no he didn't!

AIBU to think this was super inconsiderate of him.

Dcs arent little 8/11/16 so not majorly demanding but the 8 year old still requires attention and has been constantly popping into ask me for things until I gave up and came to sit with them.

They are booked in with child care the rest of the week. But I didnt book today as DH was off!

I can work out if I'm being irrational to be super upset at this.

OP posts:
scottishdiem · 10/04/2017 14:23

I agree that working from home means just that and that childcare is not part of the deal.

However, there have been many threads here where husbands are working from home and are criticized for not doing anything to help at home so people on MN do need to decide if WFH includes kids or not.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 10/04/2017 14:24

YANBU. He should have got what he needed from the DIY shop over the weekend. Even your 16 year old probably needs some degree of looking after if they have a broken leg? Drinks carrying, lunch making etc.?

To nip out for 30 minutes would be cheeky. For 2.5 hours and counting is a complete piss take!

sportinguista · 10/04/2017 14:24

I run my business from home and home ed. It does take a bit of practice and the kids knowing they have to be self sufficient to a degree. But...I don't have 3.

I would be annoyed if it was understood he was doing the childcare as that is reneging on an agreement!

Motheroffourdragons · 10/04/2017 14:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ to protect the privacy of the user.

Walkingtowork · 10/04/2017 14:24

YANBU, he promised.

FaFoutis · 10/04/2017 14:25

I've seen the same sorts of comments on similar threads so many times. It's cumulative.
Thanks for the wine, good timing!

LateDad · 10/04/2017 14:26

He's missing out on the fun of taking 8 & 11 y/o to DIY store (assuming broken arm 16 yo stays at home?)

ImAlwaysLikeThis · 10/04/2017 14:26

Fa ah! I'm university staff too, and I have colleagues who are dead certain they do loads of research on their WFH day each week. I'm unconvinced and I use childcare, much to the detriment of my bank balance. If it works for you and you're honestly fulfilling your job role then that's great. But I don't believe it's realistic for most jobs to be done while parenting multiple kids (a job in itself) to a decent level.

My kids are both under 6 and are great at entertaining themselves (properly, not with screens!!) for 45 minutes to an hour at a time, but I couldn't do a straight day of work with them around. Maybe if I started at 8am and finished after their bedtime, I could do 8 hours of work with regular breaks to play and engage with them, sort lunches, go to the park, etc. Is that the sort of thing you do?

Slarti · 10/04/2017 14:26

I'm getting de ja vu

A1Sharon · 10/04/2017 14:27

Can you text him OP?

Finola1step · 10/04/2017 14:28

I am a teeny bit jealous of your dh. 2.5 hours pottering around a diy shop without dc? Bliss. Has it got a garden centre too? Double bliss. Your dh is having a lovely day. You, not so much. So yes, he is taking the piss. He should have taken the younger dc and left the older 2 with strict instructions not to bother you.

elephantcuddles · 10/04/2017 14:29

I work from home as well, OP. I don't have children, but my boyfriend and my mom act like I don't actually have a job. It is utterly damn annoying! I work very hard and it requires a lot of concentration. They think I can just leave and do whatever I want all day long. I have deadlines and am under pressure. Working from home requires a lot of self-discipline and I feel like sometimes people think you just have this easy breezy life because it's from home.

FaFoutis · 10/04/2017 14:31

Maybe if I started at 8am and finished after their bedtime, I could do 8 hours of work with regular breaks to play and engage with them, sort lunches, go to the park, etc. Is that the sort of thing you do?

Yes. That's how it is done.
I don't have my best ideas 9-5 anyway, so it suits me.

Original poster
Sofabitch · 10/04/2017 14:31

Thanks I don't see why I couldn't work from home just because the children are here.

I text him and apparently there was loads of traffic Hmm which is why it was taking so long.

Hes back now and doesnt understand why I might be upset.

Right.. I guess I won't be replying for a while whilst I catch up. So much for saving the commute time so I could be home early !

OP posts:
OftenFoundWasting · 10/04/2017 14:40

YANBU.

My work is home-based (self-employed) and DH has day off to do specific household/DIY tasks he's been planning for some time. DC (7) are at holiday club because neither of us can do what we need to do and childcare as well. No way can I work effectively with DC at home unless someone else is here to look after them.

kmc1111 · 10/04/2017 14:43

He should have taken the younger two, but I certainly wouldn't be entertaining them. They're more than old enough to sort themselves out for a few hours, and only bother you if they actually have a problem. Especially since there's 3 of them, it's not like it's one child left all alone. They can get their own drinks and snacks, watch TV, use a device, play a game...I'm not sure why they're bothering you or why you're letting them.

My DH used to work from home and when the DC's were that age or even a bit younger I would go out without the DC and they'd leave DH alone. I'd always tell him I was leaving him with the kids of course, but it was no problem because they fully understood he was at work.

Your DH likely assumed they'd be no bother, because they really shouldn't be. Obviously he was wrong and shouldn't leave the younger two with you for a while, but they also need a talking to about entertaining themselves and respecting your work and boundaries.

ImAlwaysLikeThis · 10/04/2017 14:43

Fa that's great. I'm sure you understand that for many people it's not an option to run work and home together in this way though? It's probably really frustrating to read lots of posts saying your arrangement is "impossible", but equally your posts which don't address the reality of your setup and schedule are misleading too. The flexibility you have in your job (& lack of other commitments in the evening, if you continue to work then) really does put you in a minority. If you needed to be logged on and reachable and professional from 9-5 you couldn't parent three small kids at the same time. HE is a unique bubble, really.

Onlyaplasticbagdear · 10/04/2017 14:49

I work 3 days a week from home. My one year old is in childcare. No way in hell could I get anything done with him around.

The only exception is if he's ill, when I get work done while he naps and have Cbeebies on most of the day for him. My workplace are fine with this.

sleepydee9 · 10/04/2017 14:50

If he didn't expect to be gone for long then it's not unreasonable but he should've checked with you first. You don't have any young children to look after and i'd expect minimal interruption in a short period.

Why do you have to supervise an 8 year old :/ especially with older kids for company. I'd expect the other 2 kids could get their 16 yr old sibling a drink or snack if they really needed it, although it would only take you 5 mins to do that yourself. Working from home can mean some short interruptions but at 8+ they don't need supervising so you can work around them. It really depends what you do and how much quiet you need. I have terrible concentration and need quiet but i only work part time from home and work better when kids are napping and sleeping. I couldn't do it full time with 3 kids at home even with another adult there, it's too much noise.

carefreeeee · 10/04/2017 14:51

Can't the 11 and 8 year old go out to play for an hour or 2? Surely they don't need constant attention at that age. It might feel a bit mean to tell them to go away, and to do a whole 9-5 day uninterrupted is not going to work - but they should be able to go to the park with a picnic or something for a while? Or watch a film or something.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 10/04/2017 14:54

Oh god this drives me fucking mental, not just with OH but with his family assuming that WFH meant "day off", so that I could go run errands, host visits, etc.. I tried laying down some serious ground-rules but "Do not come in my (home) office for any reason" turned into a mini riot of asking met hings/needing stuff done every time I left to go to the toilet or have lunch.

In the end I snapped and and started going into the office anyway. The only one that I think had any impact was when I went in on weekends to make up missed time. Anyway, no sensible advice to offer. Just another person who tried and failed to make WFH work sensibly for me. Maybe when the DCs are older, or become teen-hermits, or whatever.

Photograph · 10/04/2017 14:59

YANBU

Would you take the kids in your office? If not, then no, you can't work from home and babysit at the same time. I work from home quite a lot, but it's during school hours/ nap times/ evening when they are in bed.

The only thing you can do whilst working from home is the laundry, because the washing machine doesn't need your attention. Anything else, it makes no difference from being in the office. If you can watch day time tv in the office, then go for it at home. I don't even go on social media when I am at home, whilst I do when I am in the office (you can guess where I am now)

It's because of people confusing "working from home" with "duvet day" that some employers are so reluctant to allow it.

UppityHumpty · 10/04/2017 15:02

The purpose of Working from home greatly depends on how many hours a week you work. In investment banking you will often have clocked up 60 hours by thursday and so wfh on friday can be pretty flexible provided there aren't any deadlines. For example my boss spends Fridays with her kids and is available by phone if needed but won't be on the laptop.

motherinferior · 10/04/2017 15:06

I worked from home as a freelance journalist when mine were small. I still do.

I worked. They went to their childminder. I spent four days a week working and the fifth with them. When they went to school I had some kind of childcare in place in the holidays.

What with the fact I was, you know, working.

HappCatt · 10/04/2017 15:08

I wouldn't expect an 8 year old to need looking after in the middle of the day so I'd have probably done the same as your DH 🤦🏻‍♀️

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