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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL wants family photoshoot with DS but doesn't want us in it

86 replies

Derlei · 09/04/2017 20:15

This is not a MIL bashing thread as she is a nice woman on the whole, she's just a bit "enthusiastic" about DS but he is PFG so I can sort of see why.

Just for context, we didn't get any photos taken of DS when he was born last year but we want to do some professional photos to commemorate his 1st birthday in a few months time (of just him).

MIL randomly announced a few months ago that she wanted to "get some professional photos taken of DS" for their house. DH and I informed her that we were going to get some done for his birthday, and that obviously they would be for whoever wants a copy and that she was welcome to however many she liked. She went quiet and then someone changed the subject, I asked DH after they had gone if he thought she was annoyed, and he agreed but thought it was maybe because she was wanting to organise it rather than us. We forgot about it.

The subject hadn't come up again, until tonight, MiL, FiL and 2 SILs were over (both SILs still live at home so they are very involved), when MiL said "we want to do a photoshoot of DS so can we arrange some dates". DH reminded her that we were going to do something in a few months to which she said that she wanted to be in them, along with FIL and 2 SILs and that they wanted to "use their own ideas", which basically translates to "we don't want to do it on the same day you're doing it". My DH then said "so basically some family photos with our son but without us?" and she said yes!

I'm not really sure what to think; we are not going to ban our son from participating in their shoot if that's what she wants, it's sweet that they love him so much but it just feels a bit weird that they don't want us to feature in it? Or aibu? I genuinely don't know! Do grandparents/Siblings tend to want stuff like this?

OP posts:

Original poster

Derlei · 09/04/2017 20:45

Thank you, I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking it's a bit weird.

Sorry to drip feed but dH's do have a bit of form for this: they have a series of "family" photos in their house with the 5 of them (so PiL, 2 SILs and DH) with MIL's brother's baby. She is close to her brother and babysat for them very often so developed a strong attachment with the baby, but I did find it odd the first time I saw the photos because I was like "where are the baby's parents!?". I asked DH and said to him that the photos make it look like they are the parents of your cousin, and he just shrugged and said something like "meh, they loved him like their own". I just thought it was a bit rude to exclude the parents( I realise it's like deja vu!)

DH doesn't seem too bothered about being left out as he hates himself in photos anyway!

SILs are in their 20s, very homely and "family-oriented".

To be honest I did get the feeling she wanted to play second Mum at the very beginning, just from little things she'd say and do, such as if we took DS out in the pram she would always take the position of pushing the pram while I walked alongside like a child. But other than that, I have always politely made it very clear that I am his mum, and I have always strived to do everything for DS independently (e.g. She'd be happy to be around our house everyday but I made it clear to DH that I don't want that - I'm an introvert and like my own company)

OP posts:

Inertia · 09/04/2017 20:45

That sounds very much as though they want to use your baby as a prop for photos of them and their favoured children.I'd kind of understand if it were them plus their all their children,but missing out their own son when he's the baby's father is quite odd.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 09/04/2017 20:47

So their daughters are allowed to be in the photo, but not their son, the baby's actual dad.

It's weird and I wouldn't want them doing it. Looks like them all playing happy familes and having some weird issue with the parents and their own son being there. If my MIL wanted a picture of my DCs (yeah right ) and SIL but not DH, I'd say no thanks.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/04/2017 20:48

This is bizarre. Ok so maybe they want blood relatives only but to exclude the actual father of the child. Just no. I'm a bit on the fence about excluding the mum. IE the one, who carried and nourished the child.

NoCapes · 09/04/2017 20:49

No I wouldn't allow this to happen
It's weird
And rude

Floggingmolly · 09/04/2017 20:49

I'd be concerned that they're trying to literally write you out of the picture. Don't drink the soup when you go to them for dinner...

happypoobum · 09/04/2017 20:52

They are very weird.

I would distance myself.............

Original poster

Derlei · 09/04/2017 20:53

I agree with one of the pp's that suggested it's a "household" photo - so SILs are included because they live in that house. I don't know why DH isn't annoyed, maybe he will when he sees the actual photos blown up on their bedroom wall!

To clarify, if it goes ahead then I would go to the shoot, there's no way DS will cooperate without me there

OP posts:

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 09/04/2017 20:56

Precisely why you shouldn't go op. . . .

Swirlingasong · 09/04/2017 20:56

She did this with her nephew too? I love my nephew and pictures of him and my children would be lovely - all the cousins together. But it would seem very odd to add him to a shot of my immediate foamy without his parents.

Does she like to tell people how brilliant she is with babies and how the parents rely on her for help?

Marmalade85 · 09/04/2017 20:56

I'm guessing they don't want the photos ruined if you and your DH split up.

Swirlingasong · 09/04/2017 20:57

Family - no idea where foamy came from!

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/04/2017 20:57

Well if it's a household photo shoot then why is ds being asked to be in it? He doesn't live in that household.

diddl · 09/04/2017 21:00

I think that at the time it would have bothered me.

Looking back now as a mother of teens I would say-meh!

If it wouldn't be fuss & stress for your son I'd say let them do it.

Marmalade85 · 09/04/2017 21:01

My ex bf's grandmother used to cut out all ex's from all of the photos including wedding photos

Laiste · 09/04/2017 21:01

This is odd.

Some of my DCs are adult, and i can't imagine one of them having a baby and then me wanting professional pics taken of me and the other DCs who aren't the parent [confusing]

I've read on MN about MILs wanting pics with their grandchild and ONE of the parents, ie: which ever parent is their own child, and that's bad and sad but you can at least see where the (unpleasant) sentiment has come from.

But I can't for the life of me understand why this woman would want her own son out (literally) of the picture and her daughters in it.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 09/04/2017 21:01

As others have said, if it was just the grandparents and their adored first grandchild I could understand, but including two of their children - neither of whom are the baby's parents - is just odd. I wouldn't be happy about having my child used as a toy or fashion accessory in that way. You can invite them (the gps) to take part in your shoot if you feel so inclined, but as for their own weird ideas, I'd have to say no.

Laiste · 09/04/2017 21:02

OP To clarify, if it goes ahead then I would go to the shoot, there's no way DS will cooperate without me there

Good! (evil)

Original poster

Derlei · 09/04/2017 21:04

I'm thinking that perhaps she is excluding DH so that it doesn't just look like she's excluding me alone! I never really thought of what a pp just said - that if we were to divorce then pop goes their photos! Oh I'd love for DH to ask her if that's the reason but I don't think he'd oblige!

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/04/2017 21:06

Yes but excluding your dh it's even worse and very bizarre.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 09/04/2017 21:06

It's weird. If it's a "household members only" thing, then surely DS shouldn't be included as he doesn't live there.

I'd say no.

Sparkletastic · 09/04/2017 21:07

That would be a firm 'no' from me.

TinselTwins · 09/04/2017 21:11

so they want to use your DS to do something that demonstrates how they exlude his father from "family things"

Not nice

Floralnomad · 09/04/2017 21:14

I would also say no , I reckon nearer the shoot she'd tell your dh that he's to be included as well and she's just not said that now so that you go along with it thinking you are both being excluded .

seven201 · 09/04/2017 21:14

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