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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit pissed off about this

99 replies

Confusedposter · 09/04/2017 17:16

DH has gone away to stay with a very old close friend this weekend.
He always seems to get "dragged out" to this friend's various gay clubs and get stoned. He used to smoke a lot but hasn't for a number of years and no problem if he wants the odd puff or to have a social life.

He was supposed to be home at lunchtime today and said he would text this morning to let me know he was on his way.

3 o clock comes and no text so I rang him and he's still at mates which is fair enough but he decided to tell me that on Friday they went to a "sports fetish" club. I saw red at this and had a go! Basically its full of topless blokes in shorts snogging.

I wouldn't have a problem if they'd gone down the pub but these places are basically hunting grounds (his mate is very promiscuous.)
Anyway each to their own and I am generally a very live and let person but this leaves me feeling a bit pissed off. What could he get out of it, he doesn't drink etc? I was annoyed as he said he would ring to speak to DD this morning but didn't which hadn't helped my mood.

I now feel really guilty as the poor bloke is entitled to a social life. He's off out this week with work colleagues and I really don't care about that.
I don't want to control his life at all but it seems like he's chasing his old life where they went to these clubs all the time to pop pills etc.
I think its because these places are very sexualised that I feel this way. It would be the same if he went to a strip club I think.
What would you feel? Am I a control freak? Just need some perspective!

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 09/04/2017 20:15

If he really was gay do you not think he'd be a bit more secretive about his nights out?

No. Ever heard of the concept of "hiding in plain sight?"

19lottie82 · 09/04/2017 20:16

lucie oh for gawds sake Hmm you don't even know this guy! How can you tell the OP he's "leading a secret life"? Get a grip!

19lottie82 · 09/04/2017 20:17

optopus and ever heard the saying "jumping to conclusions".

For the third time none of you have even met this guy, or know him, telling the OP he is gay is NOT helping!

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/04/2017 20:21

I also wonder if dhs friend is secretly in love with him.

thatdearoctopus · 09/04/2017 20:22

I haven't told the OP anything. But I agree with others that there might be more to this than meets the eye.

LucieLucie · 09/04/2017 20:31

19lottie82 please shut up. You sound like a little madam.

You don't know the bloke either so what on earth makes you think your opinion is more valid than anyone else's on here?!

I'm sure if op does her digging she will perhaps uncover the truth.

I've had the misfortune of encountering plenty of married men involved in very seedy gay encounters in a previous employment thank you and I most certainly don't need to 'get a grip' Hmm
Biscuit

Crunchymum · 09/04/2017 20:35

God my DP goes to gay clubs with his (newly out) friend and it doesn't bother me at all.

This thread would have me think he's in the closet and having secret gay sex every time he goes out.

OP, your issue does seem to be with the "gay" part of this friendship though? IE: you say you would be happy for him to just go down the pub. Do you have concerns?

TheAntiBoop · 09/04/2017 20:42

There is a difference between gay clubs and fetish clubs though

I have no problem going to/dh going to the former. I would have a problem with the latter though

19lottie82 · 09/04/2017 21:14

Luice no I won't "shut up"! And a little madam? Fuck up.

Exactly I don't know the bloke so I'm not going to be telling someone on the internet what her husbands sexuality is.

This is just an Internet forum to you and I but this situations is the OPs LIFE. REAL LIFE.

Posters piping up with "oh he's obviously gay!", isn't helping her in the slightest?

You're "sure" are you? Oh that's alright then. Hmm

Putting two and two together and coming up with five isn't really helping anyone. Quite the opposite in fact.

Writerwannabe83 · 09/04/2017 21:22

There's a HUGE difference between going to a gay club/bar and going to a gay fetish club.

My DH has a gay friend and goes to gay bars with him from time to time, no problem, BUT, there's no way on this earth my DH would choose to go to a Fetish Club, wear gold hot pants and be surrounded by half naked men doing whatever it is they do with each other in the club. Why on earth would he unless he was getting something out of it?

HarryPottersMagicWand · 09/04/2017 21:30

Why does every night out have to involve gay clubs or a fetish club? What's wrong with a local pub or club that isn't on the gay scene? I'd say your DH enjoys going to them and I'd seriously question why, and no I wouldn't be happy about it.

ENormaSnob · 09/04/2017 21:40

So far in the closet he's in narnia.

19lottie82 · 09/04/2017 21:41

Perhaps he wasn't expecting to go to a fetish club, just the usual gay bars but then his mates kind of went "oh we're going to this place next"? Or had the trip to the fetish club been pre planned on his part?

All of this is sheer speculation tho. I think the OP will get more from having a face to face honest chat with her DH rather that listening to the opinions of strangers on the internet.

twisterinyogapants · 09/04/2017 22:21

This is bizarre. I don't know anyone who would think this was ok! I think your both in denial.

klondikecookie · 09/04/2017 22:42

Meh, I'm a straight male who 'experimented' very slightly as a youngster, and have been to gay bars with gay friends on various occasions. Haven't been to a fetish bar, but I don't know why that's apparently the threshold that makes someone gay?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 09/04/2017 22:59

"I don't know why that's apparently the threshold that makes someone gay?"

Er........ because it's purely sexual? A gay bar or club aint purely that. It's social, somewhere to hang out with others of your sexuality, you like the music etc.

I'm straight but I don't go out to bars and clubs just looking to shag someone. I go because it's fun, i like the music, vibe whatever. If I chose to go to a fetish club it would obviously be all about the sex.

19lottie82 · 09/04/2017 23:44

curly how would you know unless you've been to one? I'm sure not everyone in the place is just there to get their end away.

As I already said maybe the OPs DH was expecting a night of the normal gay bars and got cohersed into going to the club rather that it being a preplanned evening.

Plus plenty of gay clubs have fetish themed nights. It doesn't mean it's a giant fuck fest, just a bit of fun.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 09/04/2017 23:58

Definition of "fetish": a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc.
"a man with a fetish for surgical masks"
synonyms.

If it ain't sexual, don't call it a fetish, then. Call it something else.

LucieLucie · 10/04/2017 00:23

19lottie82 your clearly projecting here, this is not about you and can you tell me where exactly I told the op her husband was gay?!

Exactly, now calm your knickers and stop jumping on other people's posts. It really doesn't make you any better a person Wink

19lottie82 · 10/04/2017 09:02

Projecting about what?
And I wasn't the one that was jumping on other people's posts love, I think that was yourself telling me to shut up and calling me a little madam? If you go around speaking to people like that, then they are going to get a bit miffed I'm afraid, that's how the world works I'm afraid. But based on that why would I think I was a better person? You seem a little confused?

CallousAndStrange · 10/04/2017 09:33

Let's not get sidetracked by the gay aspect. DH didn't come back when he said he would, didn't text to let OP know, didn't speak to his DD as promised, and it transpires had been to a fetish club with his mates.

Gay, straight, bi, whatever -that behaviour is disrespectful to OP, thoughtless to his daughter and absolutely not OK.

averythinline · 11/04/2017 08:55

I don't think he's being particularly in the closet- look at his actions not his words

  • he's not phoning dd cos he's either still off his face or shagging his mate or someone else.....I do think you are being quite naive/taken for a ride..
yes if your vows/marriage agreement meant you were ok for him to do that just moan about him not phoning dd but if not I think you need a bit more of an open conversation
Starlighter · 11/04/2017 08:57

Exactly what CallousandStrange said. ^^

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