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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit pissed off about this

99 replies

Confusedposter · 09/04/2017 17:16

DH has gone away to stay with a very old close friend this weekend.
He always seems to get "dragged out" to this friend's various gay clubs and get stoned. He used to smoke a lot but hasn't for a number of years and no problem if he wants the odd puff or to have a social life.

He was supposed to be home at lunchtime today and said he would text this morning to let me know he was on his way.

3 o clock comes and no text so I rang him and he's still at mates which is fair enough but he decided to tell me that on Friday they went to a "sports fetish" club. I saw red at this and had a go! Basically its full of topless blokes in shorts snogging.

I wouldn't have a problem if they'd gone down the pub but these places are basically hunting grounds (his mate is very promiscuous.)
Anyway each to their own and I am generally a very live and let person but this leaves me feeling a bit pissed off. What could he get out of it, he doesn't drink etc? I was annoyed as he said he would ring to speak to DD this morning but didn't which hadn't helped my mood.

I now feel really guilty as the poor bloke is entitled to a social life. He's off out this week with work colleagues and I really don't care about that.
I don't want to control his life at all but it seems like he's chasing his old life where they went to these clubs all the time to pop pills etc.
I think its because these places are very sexualised that I feel this way. It would be the same if he went to a strip club I think.
What would you feel? Am I a control freak? Just need some perspective!

OP posts:

AddToBasket · 09/04/2017 18:48

He pulled, and you know it.

Bestthingever · 09/04/2017 18:54

This must be difficult for you Op. I don't think it's unusual any more for heterosexual people to visit gay bars but not the kind of place you are describing. I don't think you are being controlling at all. I think your dh has a part of his life which he keeps from you and you are too trusting. Can you continue with your marriage if you know he is actively participating in this 'scene' rather than a bystander?

Fairweather123 · 09/04/2017 18:56

OP I was forever in London gay clubs when I was in my teens and early 20's and I'm 100% straight (I'm female). My crowd of friends included straight and gay people. I went to some very gay clubs and tbh the straight guys amongst us did find it a little uncomfortable but went for the music (and the pills!).

Your DH's friend sounds very dominant in their friendship and either your DH is very eager to please and keep hold of the friendship or he enjoys the 'scene' more than he's letting on.

If he 'experimented' in his youth I'm inclined to think he may still be experimenting sometimes or at the very least is finding these clubs/bars that scene a turn on even if he isn't acting on it.

As it's happening so frequently I would have a chat with him, tell him you need to ask him and if there is anything going on even if it's only been once or twice or happens occasionally, even if it's just a snog or he finds the scene a turn on, tell him you want to know. Then you can decide how you feel from there.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable or controlling or trying to stop his fun. He is a married man with a wife and child, you need to know the score and you deserve to know the score.

thatdearoctopus · 09/04/2017 18:56

Who do you think are all the blokes "playing away," regardless of gender/sexual preference? Someone else's husband?

You've got some fairly hefty clues here.

KingsCross88 · 09/04/2017 18:57

He may have chosen you, that doesn't mean you should feel grateful while he heads off to gay bars with his mate! Bi men don't get a pass to partake from both genders unless it's agreed on by both partners!

Amockingjayhey · 09/04/2017 18:59

Honestly, seems I'm bucking a trend here but i wouldn't care.

I couldn't care less if he went to a strip club (he has done on stag did). I wouldn't care if he enjoyed it (he said he didn't anyway but he knew i don't care either way).

I wouldn't care if he wanted to go to a gay bar / club. I trust him.
I wouldn't think anything of it tbh

Fairweather123 · 09/04/2017 19:06

How can you be so liberal Amock? I'm not saying for a moment you're wrong to be so laid back but I worked behind a bar in a lap dancing club and I can assure you the line does not stop at lap dances. I don't care what the clubs 'official policies' are, they turn a blind eye if sexual acts take place in a 'private' room, if the girls give out their phone number. It's a known fact a lot of the girls also work as escorts and use the lap dancing clubs as a way of connecting with clients. I used to chat with the blokes and most of them had wives or girlfriends!

Nanna50 · 09/04/2017 19:10

We are all entitled to a social life, however that doesn't mean we can do whatever the fuck we like without regard for our family. Don't feel guilty I don't think it's fair enough that he didn't text you this morning, ring and speak to your daughter or come home as promised resulting in you having to contact him in the afternoon. Having respect in your relationship is not controlling and I don't know why your concerned what his friends think.

As for the fetish bar, they go way further than snogging, and I imagine your OH would have to adhere to the dress code? If he did not enjoy these nights, then he would go elsewhere with his very close friend. Even if he does not partake there is some pretty hardcore stuff to witness which he clearly feels comfortable enough with and he doesn't have to go there for the drug scene.

thatdearoctopus · 09/04/2017 19:12

My dh and I have busy social lives, both together and separately.

That does not include going to bars/fetish clubs, gay or straight.

Amockingjayhey · 09/04/2017 19:13

@fairweather123 as i said i trust him not to do anything that would break his marriage vows.

And if he did he would tell me and we would break up.
And other than that if he wants to look at whatever is in a strip club so be it. I genuinely don't care

Rainybo · 09/04/2017 19:14

Are you actually sure he isn't sleeping with his friend?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 09/04/2017 19:21

Mocking jay: "And if he did he would tell me and we would break up."

Really? Knowing that that would be the outcome you really think he would tell you?

It's almost like giving him a free pass, being fine with him going to those places. He can tell you loads of details about the night and you won't bat an eyelid. All he has to do it leave out some tiny details like being unfaithful.....

19lottie82 · 09/04/2017 19:23

Curly to answer your question one of my best friends, I met at uni 18 years ago. She is a lesbian and over the years I have become friends with a lot of her friends, most of whom are also gay.

Another one of my best mates, I have been friends with since I was 21. She previously lived with a man but decided 3 years ago she preferred woman and now has a femal partner.

I started a college course last year and struck up a good friendship with a girl who is gay.

That's my main best friends who I see socially apart from 1 other girl who is straight.

As I said I'm 100% straight but I just tend to get on really well with gay women, I don't know why?

Original poster

Confusedposter · 09/04/2017 19:24

Just to make it clear, I know exactly where I am on the not texting when he says etc and not calling DD - I was trying not to make a big thing of that in my post. I will talk to him about that.
I just don't know why I don't have a problem with him going out with 2 female colleagues and 1 male later in the week (I mean if he is bi there's opportunities there)yet whenever he is with this friend I end up getting anxious and angry. Other friends gay (of which there is a lot) or otherwise I never have problems with him getting in touch.

I also wondered what the fuck he was going to wear (as he is a strictly cords man) but I'm betting matey lent him something. This does really not please me.

He's home now and is playing with DD as she is over the moon he's home. He is a really good father in the main. He's a good bloke in the main... its just this issue. However I will speak to him about it as I have a bit more confidence that its not me being out of order. Thank you for everyone's replies (even the blunt ones which hit a nerve but thats why I posted!)
Although to bonnyscotland - not sure why you had to comment. Glad you find it weird. I read lots of posts of where I think blimey- but would never comment if I didn't feel I would be useful. There is a person at the end of the post you know.

OP posts:

WishIhadaGEG · 09/04/2017 19:28

OP, the "best mate/best man/childhood friend" is in love with your DH.

Have you asked your DH if he has ever had sexual contact with said friend? That's not a question you want to ask if you are not prepared for the answer.

You have to nip this in the bud before it results in drunken/doped up infidelity, if it hasn't already. Your DH might be naive enough not to realise he is the object of affection, but I doubt anyone is that stupid given what has happened already.

Amockingjayhey · 09/04/2017 19:30

Yes.
We have a very open agreement that if we felt we wanted to cheat, if we were that unsatisfied or unhappy in our marriage for the sake of everyone we would just say it and be honest, rather than go behind people's backs.
Seriously i trust that we will both do this.
Please feel free to disbelieve me question me or otherwise but i don't feel the need to justify why or how i trust my husband in this way.

JustSpeakSense · 09/04/2017 19:32

I think you need to have a heart to heart with him. His behaviour lets you down & mostly lets your DD down, I think you sound very patient and don't sound controlling at all.

I would feel uncomfortable with him borrowing clothes from friend and going out to such a sexualised environment, it almost feels like he is 'living a fantasy'. OP are you sure he isn't bisexual? I'm not sure a straight man would be comfortable in this environment.

Wishing you all the best, I really do hope you manage to have an open discussion with him.

Amockingjayhey · 09/04/2017 19:32

But this post isn't about me .
I just answered OPs question that no, i wouldn't mind. I don't want to derail her thread !! If you really want to question me (I'm not sure why tbh i don't think it's that interesting) pleasefeel free to PM me

CactusFred · 09/04/2017 19:34

I disagree that your DH is in the closet. Nothing wrong going to a gay bar when straight other than to give false hope to anyone who might fancy him!

Even if he is bisexual if you trust him then no worry - he doesn't have to be ruled by his dick.

If he was playing away why would he tell you where he went?

I'd merely be annoyed that he hadn't come back when he promised.

thatdearoctopus · 09/04/2017 19:39

But it wasn't just a gay bar. It was a fetish club!

happypoobum · 09/04/2017 19:41

OP I think your DH is gay.

JustSpeakSense · 09/04/2017 19:41

You say these trips to gay clubs usually include DH, his friend and others (both male & female)

I'm presuming that you at some point been included on some of these nights out? You've observed him in these environments, how do you find him?

neveradullmoment99 · 09/04/2017 19:57

He is taking the piss.
He is keeping things from you.
You are not controlling.
You need to have it out with him.

19lottie82 · 09/04/2017 19:59

OP don't listen to the posters who are saying your OH is gay. They don't know him and they don't know you.

As I said I have loads of gay friends and go to gay clubs and pubs all the time.

If he really was gay do you not think he'd be a bit more secretive about his nights out?

LucieLucie · 09/04/2017 20:15

Op sorry but he's highly likely leading a secret life in plain sight.

He's telling you where he is but counting on you believing that he doesn't participate. Come on! Why go then? Once or twice maybe for his mates sake but this sounds like it's become a 'thing'.

Start digging for evidence. Grindr for starters

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