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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit pissed off about this

99 replies

Confusedposter · 09/04/2017 17:16

DH has gone away to stay with a very old close friend this weekend.
He always seems to get "dragged out" to this friend's various gay clubs and get stoned. He used to smoke a lot but hasn't for a number of years and no problem if he wants the odd puff or to have a social life.

He was supposed to be home at lunchtime today and said he would text this morning to let me know he was on his way.

3 o clock comes and no text so I rang him and he's still at mates which is fair enough but he decided to tell me that on Friday they went to a "sports fetish" club. I saw red at this and had a go! Basically its full of topless blokes in shorts snogging.

I wouldn't have a problem if they'd gone down the pub but these places are basically hunting grounds (his mate is very promiscuous.)
Anyway each to their own and I am generally a very live and let person but this leaves me feeling a bit pissed off. What could he get out of it, he doesn't drink etc? I was annoyed as he said he would ring to speak to DD this morning but didn't which hadn't helped my mood.

I now feel really guilty as the poor bloke is entitled to a social life. He's off out this week with work colleagues and I really don't care about that.
I don't want to control his life at all but it seems like he's chasing his old life where they went to these clubs all the time to pop pills etc.
I think its because these places are very sexualised that I feel this way. It would be the same if he went to a strip club I think.
What would you feel? Am I a control freak? Just need some perspective!

OP posts:

corruptcat · 09/04/2017 18:00

We have a friend who moved away from the city where we live, he comes down for weekends and we all go to gay and straight clubs but for him it is so he can take drugs away from his family. I'm not saying that is what's going on but this guys wife has no idea he comes here and takes pills/ coke.

Original poster

Confusedposter · 09/04/2017 18:00

I know he experimented in his youth but then again so did I! I know his friend was completely over the moon when we got married (he was best man)I think I just wanted to accept that he's his mate and that's what they do. Maybe I have been naive. I'm a very open minded person normally. WIBU to tell him I'd rather he didn't go to these places anymore? I don't have much confidence in myself at the moment. I am normally quite an assertive person.

OP posts:

Foxysoxy01 · 09/04/2017 18:02

I really do that no your husband in either bi sexual or a closet gay.

If you want to believe there isn't a problem other than you being controlling or not then that's fine but it may end up being better for everyone concerned to address the issue.

I don't think you're controlling but I do think your DH will be pissy if you want him to stop visiting these clubs because I think he wants the go rather than being dragged along.

My DP is very happy to be around his gay mates and is not the slightest bit homophobic but he would definitely draw the line at gay fetish clubs!

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2017 18:02

I dont know why he cant tell his friend that he'd prefer a game of pool

Because clearly that's not what he prefers op.

And this is a weird response:

f he is bisexual he's obviously chosen me if you know what I mean

This would indicate possibly you think he is? Why did you not deny it or say you're sure he's not. If someone told me my husband was bi sexual I'd laugh like a drain and inform them otherwise. Yet you didn't. You just said "well he picked me"

Foxysoxy01 · 09/04/2017 18:03

I really do think your DH is either bi or closet gay.

Birdsgottaf1y · 09/04/2017 18:04

""he goes because thats where friend goes or is he not allowed gay friends?""

So if your mate was into S&M, or dogging, you'd be happy to go with her 'because that's were she goes'.

You only have a good time in a fetish bar, if you're into it. Gay does not equal weird sex, the Gay part is neither here or there, in a way, if her DHs sexuality is irreverent to the OP.

Birdsgottaf1y · 09/04/2017 18:06

OP, would you rather he lied, because unfortunately i think that's were this is headed.

You have been naive. I doubt that this will stop, he'll just cover it up.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 09/04/2017 18:07

Hold on. OP hasn't actually said that her DH is straight. We are maybe assuming too much. Now she's saying that he experimented in his youth.

So is it the case that you know he is bisexual, OP, but are worried that he may be tempted to be unfaithful with other men in these places?

araiwa · 09/04/2017 18:07

ive been to an s+m place with friends before

not my thing but i still had fun with my friends

going dogging is a bit different to going to a bar. i did go once accidentally but i was on my own and had no idea where i had parked was a dogging spot

Original poster

Confusedposter · 09/04/2017 18:10

To the poster re the gold hot pants- yes you're right, he did choose! I thought he was "just going along with it"
When they posted the video on FB I was very FFS! Just one night without all of this!
I probably need to face that he enjoys that part of his life. However I don't want to be part of it.
Birdsgottafly- yes I do know gay doesn't equal weird sex (his friend is very in to weird stuff though) Like I said it was this latest club thats brought it all up!
Bluntness I meant because he experimented in his younger days so if he is bisexual he's chosen to be with me.
I was worried about being controlling in case most people thought it was ok.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2017 18:11

I agree with curly, is his sexuality irrelevant to uou and you know he is bi sexual? Because it would explain this statement It would be the same if he went to a strip club.

So you know it's sexual for him and that's your issue. As for me going to a straight man going to a gay fetish club is in no way th same as a straight man going to a strip club. Not even slightly.

merlynsam · 09/04/2017 18:21

WIBU to tell him I'd rather he didn't go to these places anymore?

Okay, you have both experimented with sexual preferences, but you and your DH decided to commit to each other in a monogomous relationship 6 months ago.

Of course it is okay to say that you don't want him to visit gay fetish bars with his mates. You need to tell him how it makes you feel - devalued, anxious and 2nd best (or whatever it is that is causing you to be unsettled).

Part of that conversation should be about his role as a father to DD. He let her down this morning when he didn't speak to her as promised. But he is also letting you down with his 'single-man antics' which is not about homosexuality, hetrosexuality or bi-sexuality. It is about having respect for his chosen partner - YOU.

You can have a live-and-let-live attitude to other people without compromising your own feelings and boundaries withinh your marriage.

Pawpainting · 09/04/2017 18:23

So if your DH is bisexual, how likely do you think it is that isn't partaking when he visits these fetish clubs? Have you ever asked him? I would say chances are he is having sexual activity with other men.

Of course you're perfectly entitled to ask him to stop, that doesn't make you controlling. He probably won't though

ApplePaltrow21 · 09/04/2017 18:24

He experimented in his youth? Oh, sweetie, he's experimenting right now.

He's at best bisexual. More likely he is in the closet. Either way he is 100 million % cheating on you. He is so lucky to have you because 9/10 other women would have thrown him out by now.

thatdearoctopus · 09/04/2017 18:25

Why are you so keen to be a "cool wife?"
It's perfectly OK to have an opinion on this that may not be a popular one with your dh's mate. It's your marriage here, not his, and you need to protect it - if you can.

HermioneJeanGranger · 09/04/2017 18:25

Come on OP, he wouldn't be going to fetish clubs if he wasn't into that scene.

PP can say their husbands happily go to gay bars all they want, but it's pretty irrelevant, as regular gay bars are not the same as fetish clubs.

Are you happy for him to indulge in gay fetishes?

19lottie82 · 09/04/2017 18:26

FGS how does this mean her DH is bi or gay?

Most of my female friends are lesbians and I got to gay bars ALL the time - I'm happily married! And have never ever had a gay thought in my head.

He has a gay friend who he goes out with and they went to a particular club (chances are it was a themed night rather than a 100% "sports fetish" club), what's the big deal? Seriously. Give the guy a break!

lougle · 09/04/2017 18:26

I guess this is all about where your line in the sand is, isn't it?

For me, and my DH, whether he is straight or hay is irrelevant (although he happens to be straight) because we have an understanding that we committed to each other when we got married, and we would both consider it cheating to go to a strip club and watch anyone of either gender stripping off. Now that's terribly traditional, and many would disagree and call us prudes, but it's our line in the sand.

For another couple, let's call them Bill and Jean, perhaps Jean's line in the sand is that Bill's a red-blooded man, and boys will be boys, and as long as he doesn't tell her about it, she won't get too worked up about him flinging a few tenners at a pretty girl in a strip club or two, while he's drinking with work colleagues on an out of town trip, but she would be deeply distressed if she found out he was giving tenners to a pretty boy in a strip club. Likewise, Bill isn't fussed if Jean needs a companion for a dinner or two while he's on business.

So perhaps forConfused, knowing that her DH was bisexual was no big deal when it was just a thing from the past, but now that it's becoming very prominent and indiscreet, it's all too much.

pictish · 09/04/2017 18:28

Yeah sorry if my dh's social life involved him going to gay sports fetish clubs, I'd be giving him the major

Original poster

Confusedposter · 09/04/2017 18:28

Merlynsam That's exactly what I was trying to say! (but badly)Thank you
It was the fact that he didn't ring this morning and let down DD that made me mad to start with. That will definitely be a conversation I'm not afraid to have!!
To all posters thank you for helping me get some perspective. Sometimes we all doubt ourselves I think and need the opinions of others to have the confidence to face things!

OP posts:

JaneEyre70 · 09/04/2017 18:35

OP I think you both need to sit and have a very honest conversation here. Going to a gay fetish bar is way further than going to a gay bar with a mate, and I personally would want to know if he is joining in and not only risking his own sexual health but risking yours as well.

merlynsam · 09/04/2017 18:38

19lottie82 Sun 09-Apr-17 18:26:42

FGS how does this mean her DH is bi or gay?

If you read the OP's posts, you will see that she said later in the thread that both she and her DH experimented (sexually) when younger.

Pawpainting · 09/04/2017 18:40

*FGS how does this mean her DH is bi or gay?

Most of my female friends are lesbians and I got to gay bars ALL the time - I'm happily married! And have never ever had a gay thought in my head.*

Well the OP has said her DH is bisexual. A fetish or sex club is a lot different than a just a gay bar fgs. Whether it's men or women is irrelevant though because the op is uncomfortable with it. She is entitled to set the boundaries within her own marriage

BonnyScotland · 09/04/2017 18:44

this has to be the WEIRDEST post today.... Happy Sunday

CurlyhairedAssassin · 09/04/2017 18:47

Lottie, I'm curious as to how you develop a social circle where most of your friends who are the same gender as yourself are actually gay? Take a random group of people off the average street (do not in Canal street in Manchester obvs) and most of them will not be gay.

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