MIL and first/new baby

[sailorcherries]

I'm due 6 weeks today but should be having an elective c-section in just over 5 weeks. This will be my second child but my partners first, and his parent's first grandchild.

My partner is taking his two weeks leave to help, and should be able to schedule it for the very first day our baby arrives due to the nature of delivery.

After he returns to work my parents have offered to help with the school run and odd jobs about the house. They have also said they'd do the shopping for me and/or drive me to the shops if I feel up to getting out (can't drive until 6 week pp check up, apparently).

My parents live 3 minutes away by car, if that, and already look after my DS before and after school everyday (they offered, don't shoot me down in flames). I normally drop him off for breakfast on my way to work and collect him after work or they drop him off depending on what they're doing after school that day. They also don't mind taking him to his after school activities when I'm working. I lived with them after DS was born and they have a very good relationship with him, and I think MIL is worried about her being pushed out with new baby as a result of this.

My parents know me and know when I need space and when I need help. I'm socially anxious and they understand my boundaries and can just tell when I need to be away from people/don't mind just sitting with the tv on.
My parents won't intrude on my space and have said they won't mind doing a spot of cleaning then going home, no pressure on me. They just want to help.
My father is self employed and mum is partially retired, making it easier for them.

However my MIL has decided she will take a weeks annual leave after OH goes back to work. She intends to come for 8am every day that week to feed DS, dress him and take him to school (DS is almost 7, he can do 2/3 of those alone). She then wants to stay every day and 'help', by which she has said will involve cooking, cleaning and taking the baby to let me rest.
I know she means well and I know she is excited, but I do not want that. I don't want someone with me 24/7. By week 3 I'm hoping that I'll manage fine and maybe only need the little support my parents are offering. I feel really uncomfortable already at the thought of someone I don't really know being around at such a vulnerable time. While she is lovely and we get on well I've never spent time alone with her and don't want that to happen for the first time 3 weeks pp.
She has also got her sons old pram from the loft and washed it all down, as well as having some baby clothes at her house for when she has baby, during this leave time and then after.

Obviously she will see baby and so on but I'd never leave a baby so early and it feels like she expects me to.

I don't want her to take annual leave and do this.
Aibu in feeling that way? Should I just let her do it for the sake of relationships?

rainbows she has never been pushed out of her grandchilds life as they haven't been born yet.
My OH is not the father of my DS. My OH has known my DS two years and only in the past 8 months have his parents asked to take DS out for a bit, twice.

My DS has a relationship with my parents because a) we lived with then and b) they help with childcare. Both of which PIL either couldn't do, in the formers case as I wasn't with OH then, or cannot do in the latters case due to their work and distance from school/home town.

I don't want 'no involvement' from her. I want her to see her grandchild. I want her to have a relationship with both my children. I do not want her here all day every day for a week.
If I gave her as much 'involvement' as my parents will have with the new baby for the first 9 months she would get possibly 5 minutes in the morning while DS puts his shoes on, 5 minutes after school when DS comes home (up until I can drive and do the school run) and maybe an hour every other week when I spend time to have a cup of tea with them. I am saying I'd like her to come round a few nights after work for an hour or so to see baby, which is actually more than what I've said I want my own parents doing.

I see my parents for 10-15 minutes a day Monday to Friday, depending on OHs shifts, for childcare. I probably sit with them for an hour or so once every two weeks. My dad sees DS for maybe 10 hours a week after school care, my mum possibly 4, again depending on OHs shifts.

How is it hard for you to understand that she has never been pushed out and I am actually wanting her around but not for a week straight? I want no one for a week straight.

Your new baby will have a dm and df. . You will be having a section when your dh will be available for assistance in the early days - (I drove at ten days post op) your other ds is organised and has been for years. . Why the need to accommodate all this help that seems unnecessary and unwanted?? Why can't gps just visit like normal people? Quick text /call. Quick coffee /snack /lunch maybe. Cuddle the baby - then buggar off home???! Sorry but when is the fucking time for you to just enjoy your baby??

writer I understand your situation but the thought of spending that much time with anyone actually makes me feel quite unnerved.
I cannot cope being around people, even my own family, for such long periods of time. If OH and I are off together I need to go out for a few hours or go to our bedroom alone and read, to break it up. I can be around DS until the cows come home but cannot deal with anyone else.

My parents used to try to force it on me when I was younger, however even they got to the point where they let me just shut myself away for a few hours (even during family gatherings) otherwise I'd end up sat rigidly, and obviously uncomfortably, on the couch.
We even had guests at NYE, friends and siblings, and I still had to remove myself for over an hour to 'put DS to bed'. He was asleep in 5 minutes but I stayed reading as it was too much for me.

I know that people want to help and it's lovely that they care, it is, but I just cannot get to a stage where I'd be comfortable with that from anyone.

If my own parents had offered the same help I'd be having the same meltdown. It's not about who has offered the help, it's about anyone being in my house with me for such an extended period of time.

I wish people would read the full thread....the OP has repeatedly written about her DP's involvement with her son and how they have asked what the OP will need in regards to help once her baby is here.

Personally, they sound over excited and probably haven't realised that they are starting to be a tad overbearing (they probably haven't realised).

As the babies parents, you need to tell them (gently) that the baby will not being having any sleep overs at their house for a very long time. Also, you need to be very explicit now in what help you need. Set the boundaries now!

What about asking, mil to collect DS a few times after school and then ask her to pop over for tea etc for an hour or so?

Also what does your DP say? Is he in agreement with you....or is he then type to get pushed into agreeing to things because they are his parents? If so, he needs to remember, that the needs of his immediate family unit (you, DP, dS and baby) surpasses any other.

Well she isn't that far away - why not suggest that while the offer is appreciated it's not necessary and you'll be fine - she welcome to visit the baby when's she's free to pop round -

Get DH to ring and tell her because at the moment you are just worrying when you should be taking it easy

You have shown masses of patience with a number of posters OP who either refuse to read the thread properly or just don't get what you have said repeatedly because it suits their agenda for this to be a "mil" problem.

Like another poster, the overwhelming parent in my case was my mother. I had a horrendous birth with dc1 and and she spent all day and every day with me for months. All.day.long. I had no time to myself just to get space and she was difficult if i wanted to go out and meet others e.g. In my NCT group. As a result i kind of lost touch with them all. I just wanted some space, i didn't want to have conversation all day, I didn't want to "entertain" all day and there is no bonding that is really going to happen between a grandmother and, in my case, a breastfed child. I learned the second time time! I am fairly sure that if i had just written all of that about my overbearing mil, a number of posters would jump to her defence and say that i was being unreasonable.

Anyway OP, i think your dh needs to take responsibility for messaging to his parents. They are probably going to make your anxiety worse if you're worrying about it now. He needs to very firmly say that you definitely don't want her to take the week off, that you're really excited that they're excited, and you want them to of course, get time with the baby, but in a way that is comfortable for all concerned and disrupt already established routines.

third they definitely are over excited and I don't blame them at all, nor would I stop them being excited. I just don't want anyone around that often (emphasis on anyone).
I think a few times after school or at the weekend for lunch etc is the best.
I haven't told OH directly yet, just mentioned in passing but he hasn't realised. After we get the date I will definitely speak to him. He's happy seeing his parents once a month for an hour (which definitely contributes to MILs worry about not seeing the baby) so I don't think he can say anything. His reason being that when he lived at home he never done family things with them, due to working shifts and a social life, and doesn't feel the need to increase that now he's no longer here. Once or twice a week after work for coffee is a definite improvement!

astro I'll definitely get OH to tell them, as well as not enjoying the prolonged company of others I get exceptionally tounge-tied and flustered when in situations that make it feel like I'm being horrible.

blingy exactly. It's not to do with who it is but what it is. I actually had similar problems with my mum when DS was born and had to repeatedly establish boundaries. The same happened when we moved out. However, with it being my mother, it was easier for me to talk to her about it as I know her and knew what to say etc.

YANBU and I don't get the impression your trying to exclude her at all. She sounds super excited which is lovely but really you have no idea what support you'll need until the baby is here and neither does she. It sounds like she's jumped in with her ideas of what would be useful and a discussion to manage her expectations before the baby arrives would be really helpful. I'd stall and just ask her not to book any leave until you have a clearer picture of what you need. If she's at all reasonable she'll see that's a fair suggestion.

I'd talk to your partner too to get him on board. You're all in this for the long haul so while her enthusiasm is great, your needs in the initial weeks after the birth and your DS are the most important. I often find an honest 'I feel a bit stressed about committing to plans before the baby arrives. It would really help me if we could see how I feel once they are here. Until then I'd like to just keep the current arrangements I have with my parents to help with DS' then make a plan for some quality time for her with you and baby and maybe some time with DS too.

I don't quite get the desire to take a newborn from its mother but you don't have to say yes!

I think the main issue to sort out is to get your DH to tell his mother that she can't dictate what is going to happen and that it will work much better if she waits to see what you ask from her.

I hope once you have got your date that he can get her to understand. However, it sounds like you will have your work cut out and will have to be assertive. I hope your DH will have your back.