MIL and first/new baby

[sailorcherries]

I'm due 6 weeks today but should be having an elective c-section in just over 5 weeks. This will be my second child but my partners first, and his parent's first grandchild.

My partner is taking his two weeks leave to help, and should be able to schedule it for the very first day our baby arrives due to the nature of delivery.

After he returns to work my parents have offered to help with the school run and odd jobs about the house. They have also said they'd do the shopping for me and/or drive me to the shops if I feel up to getting out (can't drive until 6 week pp check up, apparently).

My parents live 3 minutes away by car, if that, and already look after my DS before and after school everyday (they offered, don't shoot me down in flames). I normally drop him off for breakfast on my way to work and collect him after work or they drop him off depending on what they're doing after school that day. They also don't mind taking him to his after school activities when I'm working. I lived with them after DS was born and they have a very good relationship with him, and I think MIL is worried about her being pushed out with new baby as a result of this.

My parents know me and know when I need space and when I need help. I'm socially anxious and they understand my boundaries and can just tell when I need to be away from people/don't mind just sitting with the tv on.
My parents won't intrude on my space and have said they won't mind doing a spot of cleaning then going home, no pressure on me. They just want to help.
My father is self employed and mum is partially retired, making it easier for them.

However my MIL has decided she will take a weeks annual leave after OH goes back to work. She intends to come for 8am every day that week to feed DS, dress him and take him to school (DS is almost 7, he can do 2/3 of those alone). She then wants to stay every day and 'help', by which she has said will involve cooking, cleaning and taking the baby to let me rest.
I know she means well and I know she is excited, but I do not want that. I don't want someone with me 24/7. By week 3 I'm hoping that I'll manage fine and maybe only need the little support my parents are offering. I feel really uncomfortable already at the thought of someone I don't really know being around at such a vulnerable time. While she is lovely and we get on well I've never spent time alone with her and don't want that to happen for the first time 3 weeks pp.
She has also got her sons old pram from the loft and washed it all down, as well as having some baby clothes at her house for when she has baby, during this leave time and then after.

Obviously she will see baby and so on but I'd never leave a baby so early and it feels like she expects me to.

I don't want her to take annual leave and do this.
Aibu in feeling that way? Should I just let her do it for the sake of relationships?

And for what it's worth I think your DS will benefit from having as little change in his routine as possible - a new sibling is as big an upheaval as he needs.

lazy except my parents probably have him for 3 hours a day when I work. 45 mins before school then anywhere between 1.5 hours and 2 hours after school.

For the first few weeks after baby they are literally taking him to the bus and getting him off it (when OH is working).

vegan i do want her to help and have a relationship but not all day every day for a week. My own parents won't be doing that. I also don't want me child to be taken away so young, or have it expected.

Could you maybe suggest she takes 1 or two day off a week for the first couple of weeks? She'll have time with the baby, she can maybe nip round with the hoover, and you won't be so overcrowded, and it will be much more helpful to you. I had a crash section and my PIL came one day a week for the first couple of months. It was a Godsend.

Re driving- phone your insurance company, most are ok for you to drive unless you've been advised by medical professional not to.

uppity my DS also lived with his grandparents for 5 years. They took care of him while I attended uni, worked, went back to uni and worked again. I don't expect anything from them they have always offered before/after school care.

They hardly do all the care

Definitely put some boundaries in place and get your other half to do it. After your section you will not be in any shape to argue with your MIL. I'm sure you will be concentrating on your family so get this dealt with now before it stresses you out completely. My advice is to take some help to make her feel part of it. She wants to do some cleaning or take washing let her, give you a lift to the doctor's etc. Let her have the stuff there, it doesn't affect you. I had a section and was fine quite quickly.

Yanbu.
My inlaws stayed for 5 days arriving 10 days pp. They live abroad so had to stay but our house was tiny and it just felt so claustrophobic and I really struggled with mil staring at my boobs every time I tried to feed and finished up with milk spraying everywhere (massive oversupply).
And that was with OH there all day on paternity leave, I'd have gone bonkers just me and them.
They also kept telling me to leave my 10 day old to cry so she would learn to self settle

If you are uncomfortable with this you need to tell OH and he needs to explain kindly but firmly to his parents.

I think a day a week might be a good compromise but I don't want anyone in my house for a full day each week.

I feel bad that she would take 5 full days off work when I'd only really want anyone here for two hours max.

I've already had to lay some hospital visiting laws down. MIL and FIL wanted to be the first people to see baby, with my parents obviously. However if baby arrives while DS was at school I didn't want anyone visiting until DS had met his sibling, even if that meant all parents had to wait until a later visiting time.

It's your delivery and your recovery. Don't feel guilted into doing thing's when your not comfortable.

I think the idea of taking one day a week would be good. Or getting her to postpone her leave until the summer holidays. Your parents seem to have it covered for your ds. I think the most important thing is to stress your mil is wanted and needed in your child's life. Yes, she's getting over enthusiastic so your oh will need to step in, sort this out and allay her fears. You may find her less overbearing if she knows when she is able to see your baby.

I can understand your fil wants to be involved and take the baby on Friday afternoons. I know this will mean a longer pick up time. Can't he drop the baby off? Or would you rather he didn't do it at all?

When I say anyone I mean my parents too. I don't want anyone sat with me 24/7.

I also hadn't thought about feeding and do intend to bf. I gave up with DS as I became so insecure with people being around (as I lived at home with my parents they were always there as was my sibling). It was too much and I moved to formula. I don't want to feel that way this time. I couldn't even feed during visiting times in the hospital with DS due to 'stage fright'.

Honestly - be proactive and get them informed the now. No surprises then. I wish I had the knowledge of what would have happened when I had my baby.
If you want no visitors - don't have them. If you don't want someone in the house all day just say no! If you can say it in a kind firm way then if by any chance you need some extra help then you won't have burnt any bridges.

littledragon I don't actually mind. However it was another conversation/decision I had been told about as opposed to asked. I'm also not going back to work until next year, so I found such planning bizzare. My parents are counting down the days until I'm fit and well after the c-section so they can get a lie in and I'm looking forward to those things to (they love having DS but they're looking forward to the break, I've never managed to put him out to school or collect him due to work hours).

I've 3 sons,I bet I will be that mother in law,trying to help ,trying to bond with a daughter in law..you have everything covered with your parents,you have no need for her...but she needs you,and your child will love both sets of grandparents the same...

yes except OP doesn't need her MIL at her house 8 hours a day for a week. And few of us would want that ideally.

I would ask your DH if he could say that you really need a bit of alone time especially with establishing breasfeeding but if you have a rough recovery her help will be invaluable and otherwise, does she think she could come over every morning for 2 hours or something like that (so she can feel useful and you don't exclude her completely).

Mind you, you will have had major surgery and a new baby so why you should be tiptoeing around her feelings rather than her around yours baffles me.

Well,you must ofcourse do what's right for you..I'm hugely jealous (in a nice way) as neither inlaws or parents offered any help with my 4 dc...and I had 3 under3 as well...I would of loved someone (anyone) coming to stay and help..I used washable napppies too,so 3 in nappies was hard work when I had my 3 rd child...but it does worry me having 3 boys that when I'm a mil I will be left out,on the sidelines to the mums parents..my dh has 2 sisters,and his parents spend so much more time with their daughters kids than their sons..sorry don't know why I've put all that..I've had a beer,and I never drink😜

I know I'd prefer my mum helping me in and out the shower or washing my breastmilk leaked tops/blood stained knickers to MIL doing it. For no other reason than she is my mum and has done it before (periods, vomit etc).

That aside I don't really like having people around me but I am more comfortable with my own parents and sibling than anyone else. Social anxiety.

Perhaps get yr dh to talk to her,it's not a time to be stressed after having a baby x

I really think your dh needs to explain your social anxiety more clearly. By announcing she's taking the week off, your mil really really doesn't get it.

Yeah I don't even talk on the phone to people, tend to sit quietly in social gatherings etc.

I don't know what I'd do if someone spent a full day with me. I don't even spend a full day off with OH, I actually need to take an hour or so out to just be by myself at times.

I agree with some previous posters' suggestions to think of help that you might actually like, or at least find unobtrusive, and to approach things with MIL in that positive way. I understand where Vegansnake is coming from, re grandmothers on father's side potentially feeling somehow secondary, but I think trying too hard to please her in this context is likely to be counterproductive. I was too accommodating of my FIL's feelings immediately after dd's birth, and ended up feeling pretty fed up with both him and my husband. Equally, your MIL seems to mean well, and it's lovely how excited she is about the baby, so I think it's good that you're being careful and considered in how you negotiate this.

I'm a MIL to a lovely DIL and waited to for her to say when and if she wanted my help. In the early days I saw baby briefly when he was a few days old and then maybe once or twice a month during the first year except when I was called on in an emergency. Now he stays with me a few days during school holidays while his parents work.
I helped much more with both my DDs children. I offered to do things or have the baby/toddler and they'd accept or ask me favours.
I love all my DGC equally but accept that my son's child is closer to his maternal grandmother.
Don't let anyone dictate their offers of help to you. You say "no thank you but it's nice to know you're there if I need you".

YANBU i think you should get your DH to talk to her and explain that the 24hr help would actually make you quite stressed.

YANBU
I would take the day a week suggestion further & say a half day for ten weeks :) on that day she can spend the afternoon with you & wee one then after school time/dinner with her step grandson & son too.
Did she put similar effort into making a relationship with her step grandson?

i also find it quite alarming that she just told you what she would be doing instead of asking what youd actually like.
That would make me livid.

've 3 sons,I bet I will be that mother in law,trying to help ,trying to bond with a daughter in law..you have everything covered with your parents,you have no need for her...but she needs you,and your child will love both sets of grandparents the same...

What bullshit^ she 'needs' you? one of the most ridiculous things I've read on a mil thread under the circumstances. Op is the one who has had surgery, new baby hormones, a new family dynamic, breastfeeding to establish, and a house to to run...but ooh don't forget to make the poor mil feel included.
My guess is the mil certainly already feels put out because the op has things in place with her parents (op has stated they won't be staying at her house, which is what the mil has planned). Its just so presumptuous to announce you are staying with someone to 'help' because they have had a baby, grandchild or not (which is what all this is really about).

Also- how do you know they will love both sets the same? one set might turn out to be total shits and not bothered about the child.

Stop this op, or you will regret it.

Please don't allow her to tell you what she's doing. If you're after bf, you need privacy, not 8 full hours of mil hovering. I really can't understand how she can tell you she's going to be there. Will your dh tell her no and back you up? Be strong and let her know the baby will not be staying at hers-bf/bonding rules that out anyway, fab excuse.