MIL and first/new baby

[sailorcherries]

I'm due 6 weeks today but should be having an elective c-section in just over 5 weeks. This will be my second child but my partners first, and his parent's first grandchild.

My partner is taking his two weeks leave to help, and should be able to schedule it for the very first day our baby arrives due to the nature of delivery.

After he returns to work my parents have offered to help with the school run and odd jobs about the house. They have also said they'd do the shopping for me and/or drive me to the shops if I feel up to getting out (can't drive until 6 week pp check up, apparently).

My parents live 3 minutes away by car, if that, and already look after my DS before and after school everyday (they offered, don't shoot me down in flames). I normally drop him off for breakfast on my way to work and collect him after work or they drop him off depending on what they're doing after school that day. They also don't mind taking him to his after school activities when I'm working. I lived with them after DS was born and they have a very good relationship with him, and I think MIL is worried about her being pushed out with new baby as a result of this.

My parents know me and know when I need space and when I need help. I'm socially anxious and they understand my boundaries and can just tell when I need to be away from people/don't mind just sitting with the tv on.
My parents won't intrude on my space and have said they won't mind doing a spot of cleaning then going home, no pressure on me. They just want to help.
My father is self employed and mum is partially retired, making it easier for them.

However my MIL has decided she will take a weeks annual leave after OH goes back to work. She intends to come for 8am every day that week to feed DS, dress him and take him to school (DS is almost 7, he can do 2/3 of those alone). She then wants to stay every day and 'help', by which she has said will involve cooking, cleaning and taking the baby to let me rest.
I know she means well and I know she is excited, but I do not want that. I don't want someone with me 24/7. By week 3 I'm hoping that I'll manage fine and maybe only need the little support my parents are offering. I feel really uncomfortable already at the thought of someone I don't really know being around at such a vulnerable time. While she is lovely and we get on well I've never spent time alone with her and don't want that to happen for the first time 3 weeks pp.
She has also got her sons old pram from the loft and washed it all down, as well as having some baby clothes at her house for when she has baby, during this leave time and then after.

Obviously she will see baby and so on but I'd never leave a baby so early and it feels like she expects me to.

I don't want her to take annual leave and do this.
Aibu in feeling that way? Should I just let her do it for the sake of relationships?

I've got another scan soon at which point my elcs will be arranged. Once we have a date and time I'll get OH to speak to her.

It gives me time to gather my thoughts and try to word it in a way that doesn't hurt feelings.

I think you're worrying about things before they happen. It's not like you're not going to communicate with her until your DH goes back to work, she will see how well or not you're coping. It's her first grandchildren, she's excited and offering to help. You'd be just as worried if she had showed no interest and wasn't offering to take any time off. When you're talking next, just say that you're not planning anything and taking it day by day. Don't exclude her if she's offering, you may be very grateful and if she oversteps the mark, then deal with it if and when it happens.
I've had 2 sections and found everyone helped for the first few days, when you're running on adrenaline and excitement then all disappeared when you're exhausted on the 3rd and 4th week. I'd happily let her take over the housework and just snuggle on the sofa and enjoy your new baby.

If she's already decided to take a week off work, she's clearly not taking it day by day...

Maybe my experience can bring you some persepective: I had DT but I didn't have an older DC as you do, and after their birth my DM an DMIL took turns living with us for the first 3 months. I had a good but distabt relationship with MIL, with some minor tension - which is still the case. I was a bit afraid of having here there but in fact when she was there is was really special, we shared a lot of close emotional moments, and I am glad she - and I - had this experience, sharing a kind of womanly bond, and I also believe it helped her build a close relationship with the babies.
Of course, every situation is unique, and I am sure you will find the solution that suits you!

Basically you are my twin op. I cannot stand having people around me for any length of time and while it's nice to have close friends or family over for a meal or something I start getting really uncomfortable after a couple of hours and want them all to leave!

Can you talk to her? Or write her a letter? Just say, that as much as you adore her that it's just too much for you to cope with and you'd rather visits were short and sweet and more frequently instead of one huge block of days which would leave you feeling very stressed. Reiterate that it's not just her, it's everyone, even your own family. You will also want to try and sleep when the baby does and that's just going to be awkward having someone sitting in your house having to be quiet while you try and nap.

And I also had an ECS which left me very poorly, was in hospital for 6 days but second was an elective. Had baby on the weds, home on the friday, out shopping for baby bits on the saturday (little monkey was absolutely tiny and nothing fit her!) and did the school run on the monday morning. I felt like it was two completely different experiences. Mind you I had zero help with either so just had to crack on with it.

Be really honest with her and try to strike a balance. It's lovely that she wants to be involved and is including your older son in that too. Somebody else suggested asking for help in the summer holidays instead, I think that could work well.

It was my not-so-dear mother that I had to fend off. She also had her own ideas of what her involvement/"rights" would be. That blighted the first few weeks.

My MIL, on the other hand... well, she and FIL visited us in hospital for a brief visit. Then came to see us when we were back home, and the first thing she said was to me: "how are you?". But that's because she also had had difficult births and empathised with the woman who had just given birth. (Yes, she then turned to her attention to most beautiful grandchild in the world.)

Yes, some MILs are pains in the arse, but so are some DMs. It's not the relationship as such, it's about some (older) women only thinking about their wants, rather than the needs of the woman who's just given birth.

Witt you've got it. It's nothing to do with her being my MIL I'd do the exact same with my mother, only my mother knows me better and knows I can't really stand to be around people for prolonged periods of time.

I don't really want to bond with anyone while I've not washed my hair in days, can't be bothered to wear a bra, leaking from both ends and generally still hormonal. I want to spend time with my family while OH is off work (OH, DS, baby and myself) and then have time to bond with the baby. I don't want my DS' routine knocked to shit, so he will still be at school/have the same school routine/attend after school clubs etc. I want normality and routine.
If I want to have a day where DS goes to school and both the baby and I only change in to clean pjs then so be it but I won't get to do that with someone else around (regardless of their relationship to me).

It seems as though you are pushing her out
You even said u hope u feel better ao u can meet her for a coffee? Whats wrong with inviting her round for a coffee. Like it or not she will be in your life forever. Establish some boundries with her and let her be excited. Ahes even tryin to support ds that isnt blood related and by the sounds of it ur ds dpesnt no her that well so ur blessed really.

It's lovely that she wants to help and has clearly thought about the situation by thinking that you may still need some help on the 3rd week.

8 hours a day is a loooong time! Could you thank her for the offer and say that you think that between 1pm and 4 or 5pm would be great. Your older one won't need too much help getting ready. She can take the baby out in the pram whilst you nap or shower, iron uniform, help with dinner, make sandwiches for the next day. Or entertain the baby and older one while you do dinner.

booshbeesh yes I'd prefer to meet her for a coffee. I never said where or when and yes it could be at my home. However it would be at my discretion and when I felt up to it. Not something decided for me and not something that lasts for a full day.
Meeting elsewhere for a coffee would be later on. I meet my own grandparents for a coffee out and about as people do actually enjoy that. I'm hardly pushing them out my life.
I've also not stopped her from being excited, ever. I'm just uncomfortable with the situation at hand which is completely different.

huldra I don't really want my young baby away from me, truthfully. I needed to go back to uni at 7 weeks pp and couldn't drive. My dad sat with DS in a local coffee shop and I was away from him for maybe an hour at a time but hated it. I just want time to bond with this baby, time I never got before without other people being there.
Plus 3 or 4 hours is still too long for me. I don't spend thag consecutively with any other adult bar OH. I just can't deal with that, which in turn makes me feel bad as it's wasted leave.
She'd be better turning up after work a few times a week for a coffee if she wanted. An hour, hour and a half, I can do but by the end I'm still becoming unsettled.

Then tell her this, or get your dh to tell her if you don't want to. I think this time is so important, no way should she be helicopter grandparent 3 weeks in.

why is it just your parents who get to build a close relationship and be involved in your dc lives?

i know it isn't your job to facilitate contact between dc and mil but even so - why is she not included in your dc routine?
It sounds like you consciously don't 'allow' or want her to have a closer relationship with your dc.

i'm not surprised she felt she had no option but to demand some involvement.

There's loads of time to develop a relationship....it doesn't have to occur between days 14 and 21!
I don't think OP is excluding her inlaws, though she may if they don't back off. A desperate need to spend time with a new baby, however understandable, should not be dressed up as 'help' when it is not helpful for the new mother.

I'd suggest that she takes a couple of afternoons that week and maybe the same again the following week. Keeping some of her leave to help during the school holidays.

My logic for afternoons is she can help prep dinner or help with baby while you deal with older child's homework and maybe give you some time to put your son first / play with him. You might not think he'll get jealous but he will be needing some quality time which is hard to do when baby is crying!

Mind you, you will have had major surgery and a new baby so why you should be tiptoeing around her feelings rather than her around yours baffles me.

This.

These threads always baffle me. I don't understand why there's so much desperation for the MIL to "build a relationship" in the first few weeks. The OP isn't saying she'll never get to see the baby, just that the help is too intrusive.

OP I can see the social anxiety gives you an added reason why you're not happy about this but personally I don't think that's relevant. I don't have anxiety and no way would I have been happy with this. My own DM is the person I'm most relaxed around. Not my DMIL, though she's equally lovely, or my fantastic DDad, or whoever else. It's your choice, you've the one who will have just had a baby. Get your DH on side and make sure your MIL knows you're grateful for the "offer" () but it's a definite no thank you.

Just talk to her op. She's not a mind reader, unless you tell her how you are feeling she's not to know.
Of course she's excited, its her first grandchild, and maybe she is getting carried away but all she can see is your parents being heavily involved whilst you have mentioned nothing to her. If she is as lovely as you say, then talk to her. You, not your dh!
There are some real mil-haters on here, they're not helping this situation. I totally understand where you're coming from but instead of hiding behind your anxiety,your dh, mumsnet, be a grown-up and talk to your mil, be honest. You've already said you don't want anyone round all day but she's welcome to pop round after work.....that sounds great, tell her that.

Arent PIL trying to build a relationship with your DS at all? As your new baby grows, do you all envisage both DC having time with PIL as a sibling pair, or will your DS be with you/his dad/your parents, while DC2 is with PIL? I know there's quite a big age gap, but they'll be children together for several years, and I hope PIL have accepted your son into the family?

I see you aren't being unreasonable but I also deeply sympathise with the MILs in these threads as I know that one day it will be me whose heart is aching with love for a grandchild whose mother wants me always at arms length. Of course you are in charge of your own house and own baby but please try to find ways for your MIL's overflowing love for your family to be channelled positively.

Perhaps suggest that instead of her taking a week of a/l you would find it more helpful for her to have a regular day once a week for 5 weeks or as many as she can manage. Then make that the day for getting on top of laundry and household stuff that she can help with, and have time also for an excursion to a café or park during which you can get to know each other better and hopefully she can have a little of that baby-cuddling time that she is desperate for, within whatever boundaries you are comfortable with.

You talk of your own parents understanding you and knowing your boundaries and obviously that makes it seem to you that they are more "on your side" but your PIL (unless they turn out to be mad/toxic) have the potential to be just as strong allies for you if you can communicate your feelings, needs and boundaries to them. They can't be expected to know what they haven't been told.

couldn't my MIL hasn't be 'excluded' from building a relationship with my DS. My DS is almost 7 and for the first 5 years of his life I was a single parent who lived at home. My OH and I have been together for just over 2 years. There is a big difference. My parents working lives and proximity to both our house and DS school/after school activities and their help in his early life mean it is now routine for him. The bus stop for his school is next to their home. PIL live over 20 minutes away in a different home and authority area, they also work and cannot help take DS to school on a normal occasion. There is a world of difference.

walkacross I really don't know. MIL has taken him for dinner twice and SIL has taken him out twice, in the two year relationship, but only since I've became pregnant. They don't exclude him in any way, shape or form, but if I weren't pregnant this wouldn't have happened. MIL has always just spoke about when she has the baby or when the baby stays. Understandably it's a difficult situation but I really can't see how it'll pan out nor will my newborn be staying with anyone for a long time.

ladymariner and mre I am going to speak to her, or get OH to speak to her as I don't actually see/speak to her that much. I think she is completely under the impression that my parents will be here 24/7 when in actual fact my mum will be working and by dad will help with the school run. They then won't come down to 'help' unless asked and will get on with their lives and allow me to get on with mine. Despite helping with DS I don't actually spend a lot of time with them, as it is before and after school drop offs, if that makes sense.
There is no need for anyone, in my opinion, to be here for that period of time. After work for an hour or so is perfectly fine.

lady I wasn't hiding, I was trying to guage whether I was being a cow or not before asking/saying anything to anyone.
As I said she's waiting to book her leave for 3 weeks after the csection date, which we don't have yet. It was giving me time to gather advice and opinions.

What bothers me is that your MIL and FIL seem to be telling you when they will come to help and when they will take the baby. Why are they making your plans for you? If it's not convenient tell them so and suggest 'what would be a real help'. I think DH has to do some of the explaining for you but your are going to have to give a little in order to accommodate PIL and let them feel like they are genuinely doing something to help and be involved. Having said that I get the sense that if they're assuming they can dictate to you when and where they are having new baby (already) they are not going to be content with a compromise. You can only try

I think that's the problem. My own parents said "is there anything you can think of now that might help so we can make plans?" I replied "I may not be able to drive so once OH goes back to work can someone collect DS from our house for the bus, instead of having him dropped off?" They said "yeah that's fine dad isn't busy then (self-employed and no jobs booked atm) but if not DSis is free. If there's anything else just let us know". Done and duested.

Whereas with MIL and PIL it's more "I'll take a weeks annual leave after OH comes back to help and come round for 8 to help put DS on the bus", "we got down BILs old pram with carrycot and cleaned all the covers. It makes more sense for when we have the baby to have one instead of taking yours back and forth", "we've got clothes for the baby, we'll bring some over but keep some for when baby is over here", and "I'm free on Fridays remember so I'll watch baby in the afternoon". All of it is completely well meaning and done through excitement. I will never stop them seeing the baby, but at the same time it's just a bit much.

I think they worry as I see my parents almost every day because of circumstances with DS. However, my parents don't spend hours with DS in fact my own mum asked to have him sleep over and taken out for the day during the week past as she hadn't spent more than maybe 4 hours with him in the past 3 months or so due to her working and my working. If anything my DS is closer to my dad as he does most of the childcare.

She also knows DS isn't as close to his paternal family but that is based purely on exs actions and choices but something I definitely don't need to explain to anyone. OH knows (he has seen said actions since we have been together) as do my parents (living with them as a single parent) but that's it.

Maybe she feels pushed out so is trying to ensure she's not, it's very obvious from your posts that you would prefer not to have them involved.

Your DH doesnt seem to be doing much to ensure his parents have a relationship with their grandchildren, now that's either he couldn't care less or darent as knows your feelings.

Try and put your self in her position where you are the MIL and your DIL would like nothing more than no involvement from you. Can you honestly say you would be happy? I highly doubt it.

She doesn't have to stay all day but at least deserves to visit as often as your parents are around.

When I had my c-section with DS I was medically advised not to be home alone for 6 weeks due to a health condition I had that put me at risk.

This meant that once my DH's Paternity Leave was up my mom took a week's annual leave, then my FIL had a week's annual leave, then my MIL had a week's annual leave and then my mom had a week's annual leave. On the days that my relatives stayed with me that came at 7.30sm and stayed until 5pm when DH came home from work.

I was kind of dreading it but actually it was wonderful. I had food and drink bought to me all day, they kept on top of the housework (I think they were just looking for something to do) and most importantly I found it much easier to sleep in the day then I knew there were another pair of eyes on DS.

I breast fed and trying to establish feeding under the watchful eyes of varying family members wasn't ideal but I just had to make the best out of the situation.

In hindsight I really appreciated all their help and it was actually quite reassuring having someone to hand if I needed help with anything.

I'm currently pregnant with DC2 and the same set-up will have to happen this time around too.

It's only for a week - I would just embrace the help and the company and focus on the benefits and not any perceived negatives.