My mum won't see my son

[rainbowsockstoday]

This is more a question of Is My Mum Being Unreasonable rather than me. My son has been ill this week and in and out of hospital. Usually my mum sees him once a week and obviously she hasn't this week because he has been glued to my side. He's not contagious (I've slept in his bed all week) but my mum has a weak immune system so I've made sure none of us go near her just in case. However she has decided that it's me who has made him ill and that she's noticed he is worse now I am back at work. She's said she won't see us again now till I stop breastfeeding and filling him with germs. I've explained that bf isn't making him ill buts she's very against me feeding him (he's 2) and has now said that we are banned till I stop this "disgusting habit" that's making him and her ill. She was diagnosed with vertigo this week and blames my son because he's ill too. He has a water infection!

Is she wrong? Should I do what she says? Bf is the only thing that has kept him going this week as he's too poorly to eat.

@very I found it ridiculous when my grandma said it.

Your mother is obviously nuts but as an aside I would suggest you consider continuing to bf him especially as you are TTC... It's not likely to stop you conceiving and if you do and manage to keep it up during pregnancy etc it's absolutely fab, makes bf the next one so easy (in my view) and really helps them bond. I say that as I am at my third child and have been bf continuously for nearly 6 years now (oldest is just under 6, third child was born last week, oldest no longer bf, stopped at 5, middle child is 2.5yrs old and still feeds). Also I never planned to go on bf, almost gave up but then I didn't and was too lazy to try and convince my daughter to stop before she was ready :)

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Your mother sounds awful. You sound lovely. Carry on!

@oblada I'm also too lazy to stop him feeding and I've abused how easy it has been especially out and about. He was gradually just stopping feeds though naturally. Still had our morning and night feeds and occasionally during the day but he had started sleeping longer at night so dropped some of those (every now and again he sleeps through!). We've been ttc the next since he was a few months old because of my age and fact we were told it might be hard due to my former eating disorder. It's not happened yet though.

@metalmidget that's amazing! All I knew was that my milk helped him get over things quicker and that he's been ill properly twice in two years.

dont let her near your child unsepervised. She is doing you all a favour by staying away! She has an incredibly unhealthy attitude. The things she has done to you as a child you can be sure she will do to your child if you let her.
Keep feeding your son and dont listen to a word she says. She sounds invasive, controlling and emotionally manipulative. These things will have a bad effect on your child. You are better off seeing her less!

Surely she means 3 not 23? Like seriously no one could be breastfeeding a 23 year old.

Op your mother obviously doesn't like the idea of you feeding a 2 year old and is using this as a reason to get you to stop. Only stop when it's right for you and ds. Children get sick it builds up their immune system. It's not your fault.

Ha! Oops, my 23 month old.

Carry on bf. I think people in her generation just don't get the whole bf think and it makes them uncomfortable.

I used to send my dd to granny's with a supply of breast milk I'd (not without difficulty) expressed. All in bottles, ready to go. Some were frozen so she could have a longer supply.

Mil threw it all out. Said it looked and smelt funny.
Gave her formula instead.

@happyhippy45 my mum used to throw my expressed milk out too. She also used to throw his nappies out and put disposables on him whenever she could. My DH works from home sometimes and if they are up visiting family they drop in for a couple of hours and she used to bring a pack of nappies with her.

All I knew was that my milk helped him get over things quicker and that he's been ill properly twice in two years.

Yeah, it doesn't mean that breastfed children will never get ill (I wish, my 8mo has had a horrendous cold for a couple of weeks), but there's loads of studies saying how it seems to reduce the frequency and duration of illnesses.

My mom kept on trying to get me to stop breastfeeding, but I think that was partly down to concern for me. I feed on demand, and he was (as to be expected!) very demanding for the first few months. To her, it felt like I was always breastfeeding, and she was worried he was going hungry (6 months of ebf and he sat quite merrily on the 75th centile). I think she really struggled with breastfeeding - she did three months, and had horrendous mastitis (because she fed on a rigid four hour schedule).

Times change, and our mothers didn't have access to the information and research we have today.

@metalmidget I know times are very different and I've tried explaining that to her. I've said it's better now we have so much information and I'm sure if she had the same she would have done different. She said I was always a hungry baby and so had to give me formula from being born and knew my brother would be because he was born bigger than me. I explained that it's not the same now and we know that "hungry" is just getting supply going. She said I shouldn't believe that because my dc was the same and always feeding. He put in nearly a lb a week for a little bit and she called him fat! He was born on the 20th centile and now sits just below the 5th so he's far from fat!

She just goes on and on till I start questioning my own judgement. I hate conflict and she causes a lot in our family but I always seem to get the blame.

This thread has depressed the crap out of me. Maybe I'm super naive - probably not - but the thought that mothers won't support their daughters when they are trying to do the best for their kids is unfathomable to me.

If it helps @hadjab I have a postman who fully support my breastfeeding after he caught an eyeful when DC went through his "easily distracted" phase! He always stops to say hello and holds the parcels till I'm free to sign for them so I don't need to go to the sorting office.

@rainbowsockstoday that certainly restores my faith in humanity, and postmen!

My mum persuaded me that I should give up with my Ds at 18 months and I gave in; I still regret that actually although I used to think that 2 years was plenty. My Dd would not give up until the supply dried up quite literally. She was nearly 5yo. Of course it was only mornings and nights at that age, but I'd had the conversation with my mum as she tried again to get me to stop and I told her that it was between me and Dd and not to bring it up again. She didn't.

OP, it's a very personal thing and I am so pro bfing if that's what a mother wants to do. You stick to your guns and do what you and your LO want.

@solo ...and my postman!

Thank you though. I know it's between myself and DS. My DH used to ask if I was stopping soon and said I'd done well to get to a year so there was no harm in stopping. I explained I'd leave it up to DC and just not really push either way. He was happy to go along with that and has seen the benefits from bf this long. It's just harder to take it from a woman who has told me I'm wrong my whole life and basked in the glory of my mistakes.

I'm glad your Dh is supportive; my Dd's father told me that 'she should've been put of a bottle at 6 months' which made me and bloody minded. Obviously I ignored him.
My mum said she couldn't bf beyond 6 weeks for me or my brother, so yes, I think it's probably other peoples feelings about what they could/couldn't do that they try to project onto others.

She's bonkers, just say 'fair enough, we can do without your drama just now'. It's great you've been able to feed your son this long, and none of her business when you stop. I'd suggest you carry on while he's ill! SIBU obviously.

Carry on bf. I think people in her generation just don't get the whole bf think and it makes them uncomfortable.

IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH AGE!

Sorry, fed up with this. I breastfed for 18 months. My generation were the ones that started breastfeeding openly because they got fed up with being sent to the loo to do it when out.

It's attitude not age that's the problem.

From your updates it sounds like she's unwittingly doing you a favour by not seeing you both. Perhaps this arrangement can be extended...

Seriously, she sounds deeply unpleasant and is undermining your confidence with her batshit witterings. Reducing her influence in your family's life will do wonders.

With mothers like this, who needs enemies?

In Brazil postmen/women have been given UNICEF bfing supporter training so that's a nice coincidence.

Your mother sounds toxic OP. Why not head over to the Relationships board, plenty of support there too.

BTW, I breastfed my DC for: 3.8. Years, 4.10, 3.6 and currently feeding DD who is 3.

My mum, who is 83, has told me many times how proud she is of me bfing her grandchildren and marvels frequently at how amazing bm is.
She bf my DB until he was 18 months but only managed 6 weeks with me (horrendous mastitis, abcess and fuck all support plus an abusive arsehole of a husband) yet she's never been negative about me bfing.
Because that's what parents are supposed to do: want the best for their kids/grandkids and are proud of them because, you know, love.

Er the problem doesn't seem to be breastfeeding, your mum is. Don't give her bizarrely aggressive opinion a second thought and carry on with what works for you.

If I were you , I'd be enjoying the peace and quiet! I can't see a problem with her not seeing your son. She is totally batshit crazy and sounds like an utter pita, undermining you at every given opportunity.

You do want you want with your own child. She had her shot. If you are continuing to BF it's none of her business.

I feel like a lot of the time my mum wants to put me down because she resents me. When I was 23 she told me that I was a mistake and her and my dad never wanted children. She blames me for her divorce and she blames me for the arguments she has in her current marriage.

Growing up I was always made to know the mistakes I made and how they influenced the family. I was never praised or congratulated even for getting A's in my a-levels when no one else in my class did. Several years ago I had a lot of mental health problems and she got her wish because my life was in a serious mess. She still holds it against me like I knew she would.

It made me make sure I didn't make any mistakes and I have since sorted my life out so I don't need her help. I think this bothers her more because I was always an outlet for her frustration and now she has nothing definitive to focus in on me. Now she only has my parenting to criticise and because it differs vastly from her methods it seems the only option for her.

I want to make it better though. I have a need to make people happy and that's why I have always tried so hard with her and even now still trying to compromise. How can I make her see that I am doing my best and that giving me ultimatums is t healthy. I am aware it may be a lost cause but I'm all about the peace and love and not conflict.