My mum won't see my son

[rainbowsockstoday]

This is more a question of Is My Mum Being Unreasonable rather than me. My son has been ill this week and in and out of hospital. Usually my mum sees him once a week and obviously she hasn't this week because he has been glued to my side. He's not contagious (I've slept in his bed all week) but my mum has a weak immune system so I've made sure none of us go near her just in case. However she has decided that it's me who has made him ill and that she's noticed he is worse now I am back at work. She's said she won't see us again now till I stop breastfeeding and filling him with germs. I've explained that bf isn't making him ill buts she's very against me feeding him (he's 2) and has now said that we are banned till I stop this "disgusting habit" that's making him and her ill. She was diagnosed with vertigo this week and blames my son because he's ill too. He has a water infection!

Is she wrong? Should I do what she says? Bf is the only thing that has kept him going this week as he's too poorly to eat.

[rainbowsockstoday]

This has moved onto different issues hasn't it?

[rainbowsockstoday]

Thank you everyone for your input. I like my lady I have right now but she's not as good as my original. I've been in secondary services for a while now. They are trying to persuade me towards taking medication and I've said no because we are ttc. She's trying hard but it's a new relationship and I think she's still trying too hard to help. I would love to be able to talk to my parents and tell them how I feel but they would deny everything and it always ends up me being the villain of the piece and then I fee even worse.

She is however trying to get me back with my original psychologist which might help because we could pick up where we left off after a while. I left her in 2013 abruptly and really should have finished.

[DoloresTheRunawayTrain]

I wasn't in your session but will offer an alternative reason for her suggesting you do the correction stuff with your mother.
It is possible she could see you were still unwilling to see the problem as lying with her and still thought you could do something to change her mind. I am putting forward that perhaps she suggested you do this so that you could get a definitive refusal to change and finally satisfy yourself that there is truly nothing you can do to change her. Or Hecates reasoning could be accurate. If the prospect terrifies you and you are beginning to see it's not you, it's her then I would possibly not follow through on that one.

[WonderMike]

She also said that speaking to my DM about how I feel and what I think she is doing wrong will help her understand her mistakes

Yeah, I'm not getting the impression from what you've said that your DM would really care that much. Do you think she's just going to go "oh yes, of course I've been wrong all these years, let me change immediately" - no, she's not She's just going to turn it all back on you. Don't go there, you don't need to, you are strong enough to walk away from this.

[rainbowsockstoday]

Errrr ok. Well I'll not follow that advice then. To be fair the prospect was pretty terrifying actually.

I was meant to be going to their house at the weekend with DH/DC because my DB and FSiL are coming up and they are the first people ever to get married apparently. UNFORTUNATELY we are having a family dinner on Friday (MiL/FiL etc) and Saturday DC has a party at 3pm so it seems pointless to drive an hour and a bit there and back to see them a few hours in the morning. I've been told that I should make the effort to see my DB as he has travelled all this way (200 miles) but he's never in his life bothered to come see me or even text to say hi or see how things are. My DC has been in hospital this week and both SiL have sent get well wishes but not a peep from my side except my critical DM.

It sounds petty of me but whenever one of DH nieces/nephews are poorly I text his sister to ask if they are feeling better and his family are always happy to help. Maybe I want them to be the family I grew up in 🤔

Sorry I'm rambling now

[LadyGlitterSparkles]

That's extremely bad advice. Your mother will never accept she is in the wrong. I have been in your shoes with my parents.

Please read the stately homes thread and speak to those on there. Your psychologist has good intentions but is setting you up for a fail without realising it.

[rainbowsockstoday]

Ok so I guessed you'd all say not to bother. I spoke to my psychologist today (yes I'm having therapy) and she said a lot of my irrational fears come from my mother. I DO know this but she's always been lovely to my siblings and I naively thought my DC would escape too. She's showing the early signs of this not being the case. Anyway. She also said that speaking to my DM about how I feel and what I think she is doing wrong will help her understand her mistakes... I'm just not sure how to start!

[Astro55]

I'm all about the peace and love and not conflict.

You do realize that ^ isn't working for you?

What ever you do however well you do it - she will always have something to say - At some point you need to step up and stand up for what you believe

Mum v breastfeeding is ridiculous!!

What decent parent withdraws contact over this type of crap?

[girlywhirly]

I agree with other posters who say the breast feeding issue is just another stick to beat you with. Your mother sounds really emotionally abusive and I wouldn't want her around my child in that situation. Luckily she has decided that she wants to stay away due to her ignorance of breast feeding and also infection transmission and immunity, so go along with it. You are not the one turning your back, she is, and it will be her loss.

[Gallavich]

Your mum is toxic. I really think you should drastically reduce her role in your life. She's undermining you and starting to do it to your child.

[DoloresTheRunawayTrain]

Sorry to say this OP morn for the relationship you will never have. You cannot make her see 1 single positive thing about you (although there are many) as in her eyes you are the scapegoat. You are the cause of all the worlds ills. A meteor could hit the earth or a bird could shit on her and it would be your fault.
You cannot change this because it isn't rational on her part. Stop trying to be perfect for her and just be you. All your partner and child want is you as you are. You could learn every parenting technique in the world and in her eyes you would still be wrong because the problem isn't you, it's her.

[PerspicaciaTick]

Dear God, just how old is your mother?

[KazenoTaninoNaushika]

Cherish and enjoy your wonderful nurturing breastfeeding relationship with your DS. What your mum has said about extended BF is contrary to all research on the subject, and what she has said about NC is contrary to all support and compassion as a human being let along a DM/DGM! Hard as it may be, please do not allow this to influence your decisions about how you feed your DS. If you stop because of her ultimatum, you will feel torn up with guilt and resentment towards her for forcing your hand in something that should only be your decision.

[Ginkypig]

This is harsh and I don't want to upset you but

You don't have a bf problem you have an emotionally abusive mother problem.

She has always been hideous to you from what Iv read and is using you breastfeeding as just the latest emotional stick with which to beat you.

I'm sorry if that's upsetting rainbow.

[QueenArseClangers]

You can find peace and love within yourself and your nuclear family OP not by being a punching bag to your DM's emotional abuse

[rainbowsockstoday]

I feel like a lot of the time my mum wants to put me down because she resents me. When I was 23 she told me that I was a mistake and her and my dad never wanted children. She blames me for her divorce and she blames me for the arguments she has in her current marriage.

Growing up I was always made to know the mistakes I made and how they influenced the family. I was never praised or congratulated even for getting A's in my a-levels when no one else in my class did. Several years ago I had a lot of mental health problems and she got her wish because my life was in a serious mess. She still holds it against me like I knew she would.

It made me make sure I didn't make any mistakes and I have since sorted my life out so I don't need her help. I think this bothers her more because I was always an outlet for her frustration and now she has nothing definitive to focus in on me. Now she only has my parenting to criticise and because it differs vastly from her methods it seems the only option for her.

I want to make it better though. I have a need to make people happy and that's why I have always tried so hard with her and even now still trying to compromise. How can I make her see that I am doing my best and that giving me ultimatums is t healthy. I am aware it may be a lost cause but I'm all about the peace and love and not conflict.

[Whocansay]

If I were you , I'd be enjoying the peace and quiet! I can't see a problem with her not seeing your son. She is totally batshit crazy and sounds like an utter pita, undermining you at every given opportunity.

You do want you want with your own child. She had her shot. If you are continuing to BF it's none of her business.

[Laserbird16]

Er the problem doesn't seem to be breastfeeding, your mum is. Don't give her bizarrely aggressive opinion a second thought and carry on with what works for you.

[QueenArseClangers]

In Brazil postmen/women have been given UNICEF bfing supporter training so that's a nice coincidence.

Your mother sounds toxic OP. Why not head over to the Relationships board, plenty of support there too.

BTW, I breastfed my DC for: 3.8. Years, 4.10, 3.6 and currently feeding DD who is 3.

My mum, who is 83, has told me many times how proud she is of me bfing her grandchildren and marvels frequently at how amazing bm is.
She bf my DB until he was 18 months but only managed 6 weeks with me (horrendous mastitis, abcess and fuck all support plus an abusive arsehole of a husband) yet she's never been negative about me bfing.
Because that's what parents are supposed to do: want the best for their kids/grandkids and are proud of them because, you know, love.

[SomewhatIdiosyncratic]

From your updates it sounds like she's unwittingly doing you a favour by not seeing you both. Perhaps this arrangement can be extended...

Seriously, she sounds deeply unpleasant and is undermining your confidence with her batshit witterings. Reducing her influence in your family's life will do wonders.

With mothers like this, who needs enemies?

[Nanny0gg]

Carry on bf. I think people in her generation just don't get the whole bf think and it makes them uncomfortable.

IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH AGE!

Sorry, fed up with this. I breastfed for 18 months. My generation were the ones that started breastfeeding openly because they got fed up with being sent to the loo to do it when out.

It's attitude not age that's the problem.

[Singingforsanity]

She's bonkers, just say 'fair enough, we can do without your drama just now'. It's great you've been able to feed your son this long, and none of her business when you stop. I'd suggest you carry on while he's ill! SIBU obviously.

[Solo]

I'm glad your Dh is supportive; my Dd's father told me that 'she should've been put of a bottle at 6 months' which made me and bloody minded. Obviously I ignored him.
My mum said she couldn't bf beyond 6 weeks for me or my brother, so yes, I think it's probably other peoples feelings about what they could/couldn't do that they try to project onto others.

[rainbowsockstoday]

@solo ...and my postman!

Thank you though. I know it's between myself and DS. My DH used to ask if I was stopping soon and said I'd done well to get to a year so there was no harm in stopping. I explained I'd leave it up to DC and just not really push either way. He was happy to go along with that and has seen the benefits from bf this long. It's just harder to take it from a woman who has told me I'm wrong my whole life and basked in the glory of my mistakes.