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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Home from uni

59 replies

Howlongtilldinner · 08/04/2017 12:18

I would like some perspectives on this issue please.

My DS 19 first year uni, is home for Easter. He is up all night playing PS4 and asleep most of the day. When he gets up he arranges to go out with mates or they come here. He is constantly having sleepovers in his room (which is tiny) 3-4 boys at a time, rarely asks permission. I live in a flat and I had to stop them sleeping in my lounge, as I have to walk through it to get to my kitchen, and it's the only room I can sit in! If I had the space there would be no issue whatsoever.

They are all nice lads, they really are but, are these sleepovers normal at this age? 19 yo six footed men?? And is this normal behaviour up all night and sleeping all day? He has no hobbies or interests, just 'hanging out' with mates.

Opinions please..tia

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 08/04/2017 12:25

His behaviour sounds very normal. But could he not go to one of their houses to give you a break?

ToastyFingers · 08/04/2017 12:25

Your house, your rules I guess but presuming he goes to uni fairly far away, he's probably missed his friends from home.
What would you like him to be doing?

KatieScarlett · 08/04/2017 12:26

Very very normal.

Musicaltheatremum · 08/04/2017 12:30

I wouldn't mind him going out or occasionally brining friends back but not all the time. My children know they can come and go and bring anyone here but they have to ask just as a mark of respect.
My sons uni finishes at the end of May (starts early September) so although he is home he is actually with a friend studying just now as his exams are at the beginning of May He is 21 and does get up earlier now though so that's a huge shift in attitude.

awishes · 08/04/2017 12:31

So glad to read this!!
Exams when he goes back, every he says I'm going to do some work today, sleeps all day, out all night, eats everything in the house!
You gotta love em!!

NotReallyMeToday · 08/04/2017 12:32

Sounds totally normal. It's also totally fair for you to kick them out of your house periodically, but I'd not worry about the rest of it.

Original poster
Howlongtilldinner · 08/04/2017 12:33

toasty I would like him to do 'something'..not just loaf about, I feel he's wasting his life in bed all day.

But I'm very relieved it appears quite normal..

OP posts:
gleam · 08/04/2017 12:34

Why not say he can only have one sleepover a week, if you're comfortable with that?

Original poster
Howlongtilldinner · 08/04/2017 12:36

taylor he does stay at others, mostly mine though.

Maybe I have unrealistic expectationsConfused

OP posts:
Original poster
Howlongtilldinner · 08/04/2017 12:36

I also meant to post this in teenagers!

OP posts:
PaperdollCartoon · 08/04/2017 12:39

Yes very normal. My brother's room was permanently full of huge, sleeping men at that age.

caffelatte100 · 08/04/2017 12:39

I wouldn't like this at all. Maybe once a week, but it seems wrong everyday. He could be working or helping or studying or something else. I would not allow it.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 08/04/2017 12:42

You tend to live in very close quarters at uni. I remember feeling quite lonely when I went back to my mum and dad's during the holidays - I filled our house with teenagers too!

dworky · 08/04/2017 12:51

It is neither normal or acceptable to invite people to stay without asking first.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 08/04/2017 13:00

I wouldn't like this at all. Maybe once a week, but it seems wrong everyday. He could be working or helping or studying or something else. I would not allow it.

It's his holiday. Fair enough I would hope he would spend some time studying if he has exams coming up, but what do you mean by 'helping' or 'something else'?
What would you not allow - an adult to socialise with his friends in a harmless way when back from uni?

EddieHitler · 08/04/2017 13:04

Perfectly normal, although he always asks if they can stay over first. Ours is back today, we're all really looking forward to having him home.

Rattata · 08/04/2017 13:04

Sounds like a very normal 19 year old to me - wish my DD would have sleepovers instead of watching anime in her room.

Goldfishjane · 08/04/2017 13:08

sorry to go off piste but no holiday jobs? I worked during uni as well - I appreciate some courses don't have time for that - but come the holidays it was agency work all the way. Otherwise how do you afford it?

caffelatte100 · 08/04/2017 13:11

I wouldn't like this at all. Maybe once a week, but it seems wrong everyday. He could be working or helping or studying or something else. I would not allow it.

It's his holiday. Fair enough I would hope he would spend some time studying if he has exams coming up, but what do you mean by 'helping' or 'something else'?
What would you not allow - an adult to socialise with his friends in a harmless way when back from uni?

I would expect that he could help pull his weight with chores, clean up, maybe cook an evening meal if I was working. At times, do something with the family, such as go out for a meal or a walk or to the cinema, whatever we wanted to do as a family...

Of course, I would allow them to socialise and that could be everyday but playing computer games, all night, every night in my home filled with his friends crashing out. It's just too much!!
I think once or twice a week under my roof, in my house would be more than generous. I'd be working hard to pay for uni for my kids so personally, what is happening, I would find too much and very irritating!

Cherrysoup · 08/04/2017 13:30

Let him sleep/socialise all he wants, but no mates kipping in your lounge, that's way too restrictive for you. I wouldn't let them sleeping in his room stop me doing normal stuff round the place either. He could sign on with an agency for temp work, but I think I'd let him have this as a holiday. Summer hols, tho, I'd expect him to work and earn his keep.

Original poster
Howlongtilldinner · 08/04/2017 13:43

He doesn't have sleepovers every day, but certainly 3-4 times a week. He does nothing at home at all. I asked him to mow the lawn.. he did but only half..other half still not done. He never cooks, in fact he's so lazy he can't be bothered to eat!

No mention of a job as yet but I fully expect him to work during the summer break, I shall have that conversation.

I feel he is taking the piss. I work FT plus one evening a week, when I get home (around 4.30) and he's still in bed it makes me really Angry

OP posts:
happypoobum · 08/04/2017 13:58

It's absolutely normal.

Infuriating, yes, but normal.

Surprised he doesn't have a job though - DD is at uni and only the very wealthiest students don't work.

Grilledaubergines · 08/04/2017 14:01

I'd be feeling quite honoured that he's comfortable having his friends over to stay and they're comfortable on your home. He'll soon be gone again and your home will be all yours again.

caffelatte100 · 08/04/2017 14:13

This simply isn't kind to you. You are funding this and he isn't even helping out. I would consider that his behaviour appears to be very selfish.

I would be worrying about his work ethic at university and him wasting a great opportunity. Are his grades ok?

and too lazy to eat, could he be on drugs?!

I would talk to him and maybe discuss some ground rules with him so you are both happier.

MrsJayy · 08/04/2017 14:19

Dd2 is 19 and like this when she is on holiday it drives me bonkers she got free amazon with her student bank account she is up half the night watching telly infuriating yes but normal ime. Dd1 is still at home but manages to get up in the actual morning when she is off work,

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