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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Home from uni

59 replies

Howlongtilldinner · 08/04/2017 12:18

I would like some perspectives on this issue please.

My DS 19 first year uni, is home for Easter. He is up all night playing PS4 and asleep most of the day. When he gets up he arranges to go out with mates or they come here. He is constantly having sleepovers in his room (which is tiny) 3-4 boys at a time, rarely asks permission. I live in a flat and I had to stop them sleeping in my lounge, as I have to walk through it to get to my kitchen, and it's the only room I can sit in! If I had the space there would be no issue whatsoever.

They are all nice lads, they really are but, are these sleepovers normal at this age? 19 yo six footed men?? And is this normal behaviour up all night and sleeping all day? He has no hobbies or interests, just 'hanging out' with mates.

Opinions please..tia

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 08/04/2017 14:20

*So it does pass

MrsJayy · 08/04/2017 14:26

Sorry I missed the sleepovers I wouldn't be happy you need to tell them to shush it isn't fair them keeping you up.

oldwife · 08/04/2017 14:32

Sounds quite normal to me too.

My DS is also 19 and home from Uni for Easter. He stays in bed all day and night pretty much. he comes down for meals if I am cooking...
He's had his gf over for a 'sleep'over whilst we were away last week- I have requested that he clears it with me first before inviting her or any mates to stay over.

They have only a couple of weeks more to enjoy the comforts of home.

Come summer mine will be back on the temp agency doing packing work # he's not lolling around for 3 months. Grin

Original poster
Howlongtilldinner · 08/04/2017 14:38

caffe no not drugs just very lazy. He just wants to 'grab' something.

I've no idea how he's doing at uni, he tells me what He thinks I want to hear. Unfortunately I can't check up on him like school/college. I fear he is wasting this opportunity, as it's treated like a 'holiday' or that's how I observe it.

I have told him if he is struggling with anything, he should tell me before its irreparable. I want (and try) to detach and leave him to it, but I find it very hard to do. I feel, with all this going out/sleepovers/lying in bed, that his life 'ethic' is one of complete irresponsibility.

I'm a LP, with no input/support from his father, so do all the worrying. I fear for his future if he doesn't 'knuckle down'.

OP posts:
RTKangaMummy · 08/04/2017 14:39

They work very hard while at uni (or should be)

If my DS did or didn't do his uni essays that was his choice, he always did cos there was strict deadlines and if they missed them marks got taken off even missed by 1 min

In the holidays he relaxed most of the time just chilled. He did do some reading but not loads. He didn't have sleepovers with loads of mates cos the local ones who were also back home still had a home to sleep in iyswim

He has now graduated and is back living at home and working full time

He did help in the house though then and now

Did your DS help before he went off to uni?

Perhaps ask him to help in the house again? Who feeds these mates? Does he provide them with food etc? Deffo make him clear up after them

Original poster
Howlongtilldinner · 08/04/2017 14:40

I'm so glad I keep seeing 'normal'..thank you!

OP posts:
lizzyj4 · 08/04/2017 14:41

Agree with PP, very, very normal. They are on holiday from uni, just because they decide to sleep all day during a holiday doesn't tell you squat about their work ethic during term-time.

BackforGood · 08/04/2017 14:43

The hours he keeps are fairly normal. I think it's nice that he has kept up with mates from home and wants to see them.
I will say my ds (coming to end of 3rd yr now) has always worked through every holiday, tbf to him, so not quite so frustrating!

lizzyj4 · 08/04/2017 14:47

... But if you don't like it set new ground rules. He may decide to decamp to someone else's house where 'the parents' are more tolerant and you'll have your space back. Personally, I loved having my kids back from uni, even if they decided to sleep all day... but I might have felt differently if I had to walk over bodies to get to my kitchen.

keeplooking · 08/04/2017 14:48

I'm just going to confirm what most on the thread are saying, that this can be frustrating, but is v v normal! I'd be more worried if he was spending lots of time on his own at this age, tbh.

'Hanging out with mates', btw, is one of the most popular hobbies in the universe for 19yr olds! Grin

GloriaV · 08/04/2017 14:48

AFter first year my DCs stayed away during holidays, they had more friends and stuff going on in their uni towns than at home. So it may be shortlived.

Original poster
Howlongtilldinner · 08/04/2017 14:50

Phew! More 'normals' I can breathe now!

I do love having him home, I just fear he'll think this is real lifeConfused

OP posts:
comfortandjoyce · 08/04/2017 14:51

Jesus, lighten up a bit! He's got the rest of his one and only life to be a compliant drone - spending his holiday time staying up late with his friends is completely normal and won't harm his future one little bit.

Bluntness100 · 08/04/2017 14:56

The thing that would concern me is that lack of studying, my daughter is in her second year, and studying like mad through the holidays as are her friends as exams are coming up. She also studied last Easter. And her sleeping routine change following going to uni also, she went from staying up late and sleeping late to going to bed at a reasonable hour and getting up at seven to work. Last Easter it was up at 9am to work.

I've no one else to compare her to, other than her fiends, and this is normal behaviour for all of them and is what is advised. The eater holidays are really study breaks.

So I would be less concerned about the sleep overs and more concerned about the lack of studying for exams and lack of a change in sleeping habits, as that might indicate his behaviour at uni.

You need to pass each year at uni to be invited back for the next year and in my daughters course which started with 400 students, 200 of them either dropped out or were kicked out and didn't make it back for the second year.

What is he studying?

MrsJayy · 08/04/2017 14:57

Dd has got herself a summer job on a campsite gets flags outsoo can't see her slobbing about in bed till after lunch time they are like blooming vampires

BackforGood · 08/04/2017 15:01

my daughter is in her second year, and studying like mad through the holidays as are her friends as exams are coming up

Whilst admirable, I'd say this was unusual Grin
I've known a LOT of students, and most of my friends dc are/were students over last few years.

keeplooking · 08/04/2017 15:04

Don't worry op. I think I just fear he'll think this is real life is also very normal for parents, but for better or worse 'real life' takes hold of us by stealth. There is no escape! Let him bask while he can Smile

Bluntness100 · 08/04/2017 15:05

Whilst admirable, I'd say this was unusual

That's the thing though, I don't think it is. Don't get me wrong she turns into a vampire during the summer, but Easter is just before exams for uni students and from what I can make of her friends, they are also doing this. She is doing law though and it's a heavy course, and her friends are doing everything from medicine through to engineering to history etc and they all seem to use the Easter period to study .

keeplooking · 08/04/2017 15:13

For those saying that the op's ds should be revising during the Easter hols., I do think it is course and university dependent. My ds has exams right after Easter and is revising (he assures me!) in between getting up late, hanging out and going to 'events'. Many of his home friends, however, at different universities, have a different regime which doesn't seem to involve exams at this time.

Bluntness100 · 08/04/2017 15:13

Yes to be fair my daughters are the first two weeks in may. By mid may she's done.

NotReallyMeToday · 08/04/2017 15:14

Bluntness100 - I think law is one of the heavier courses? I don't know for sure, not having been a student myself for a decade, but I know a lot of recent uni students who seemed to spend the holidays doing nothing, esp in their first year. They still graduated.

I suspect by 3rd year he'll be less chilled. Then he'll graduate and have to deal with reality. God knows, it hits soon enough - no need to rush him into it.

MycatsaPirate · 08/04/2017 15:24

My DD is also home, 1st year and only started her course 2 months ago. She has been working hard at uni and while she is home has about 10 shifts at work over the 16 days she is here. On the days she's not at work she pretty much stays in bed all or goes out with her friends. The trampoline park or the beach mainly!

I have no issue with this. She is having some down time. When she goes back she's got lectures for four weeks and then is on placement for 10 weeks which will be 12 hours shifts up to an hours drive away so will be dead on her feet most likely.

No sleepovers but DD2's best friend will be here a lot over the next two weeks. I really don't mind, I love having all their friends over.

oldestmumaintheworld · 08/04/2017 15:28

I think in the kindest possible way that you need to back away. He is 19, he is (technically at least) an adult, he has been living away from home for more than six months now and has kept body and soul together. I do understand that you are worried, but please stop. His behaviour is perfectly normal for young people.

However, having said all of that, you are now in an odd parental limbo land which takes some navigating. You are his Mum and worry. He is 19 and doesn't. You both have to take some time to learn how to be around each other as adults rather than parent and child.

So I would suggest that tell him you need to set aside some time to talk. Go to the pub/café and have a meal together (somewhere neutral and not at home). Tell him that you realise he is now an adult and that therefore you both need to be respectful of each other AS ADULTS. That means you too. (My kids were shocked at the idea that I had a life which didn't include them).

And that means that yes he can have friends over, but he has to ask before hand and not just turn up with them. Yes, they can stay over but this has to be limited and you need to know when and how many. They cannot sleep in your living room.
You are working full time so he needs to do house work and cook the dinner for you to come home to. He needs to do his own washing and clean his own room.

Equally though you must leave him alone to eat what he wants and go out when he wants and sleep when he wants. This is not your business. He doesn't tell you when to sleep. And whether he studies or not is also nothing to do with you. He doesn't interfere with what you do at work, so neither should you.

You will get through this. Deep breaths and lots of gin help, I promise.

Vegansnake · 08/04/2017 15:34

Would you rather he was out getting pissed every night? Coming home stoned and high?.. or would you prefer to hear him shagging a different "bird" every night....cor.some people don't know when they are well off.

Original poster
Howlongtilldinner · 08/04/2017 15:38

oldestmum wise words indeed, thank you..I tell myself detach detach detach, he's an adult etc etc. My difficulty I think is that I have brought him up alone from the age of 9, so I'm finding hard to relinquish control!

I will have the talk, on neutral ground and then let it be.

Thank you all so much for your advice/opinions, they have been very gratefully received.

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