Granny gifts

[Morgan2017]

Hello everyone. Now that I've sat down to write this i feel more and more like a greedy diva. So, im almost 5months pregnant and thinking of making a good dent to the shopping list. This pregnancy was totally unplanned and honestly a shock to us and our family as we have been 'rocky' this last year. Anyway we have been together 7yrs so we can work this out. My family were surprised but very supportive and have all piped up with what they would like to gift, my mum has offered to buy our travel system, My sister the cot and aunt moses basket for which im so very grateful though its kinda tradition in the family that we help out with 'bigger items' iknow on top of these, people will pick up little things here and there as we are all close. MIL and the whole family have yet to even break breath to me about the pregnancy. My partner says all are happy yet none have even sent as much as a text. (We havent been meeting since the rocky patch started) so i can rule out that they will help with a bigger item! Its not so much the item whatever it is, i think im annoyed that they haven't even acknowledged me or the baby. It does bother me deep down that my family are spending X amount to help us BOTH yet his own mother who by the way is not short of a spare 3holidays a year cant produce a pack of vests. Iknow its up to me to provide all items as its my responsibility after all but i dont for one min believe she hasnt splashed on her other grandkids. Im at the stage now where i want to get organised and budget accordingly so should i go ahead and agree that the partners family wont be assisting?? Is it even worth mentioning to partner or is it something thats completely unreasonable to expect? I never ever dreamed of asking for expensive things, i more so had in my mind that they would just offer
Id be over the moon at a few towels or grow bags. I guess the old granny gifts are a thing of the past X

I've had two grandchildren very recently, gave one a cuddly dog when I saw him, the other I will get something similar when I see him ( one lives hundreds of miles away and the other has been bonding with his immediate family for the first few weeks after his birth) neither parent expected us to get them anything

Looks like you didn't read my post then!

Mummyoflittledragon i did read urs and very much appreciate ur reply and am taking on board what u said about how she may be feeling. Thankyou.
Heartshapedsunglasses i think u have worded the whole thing way better than me... thank-you!
Gooses1964 did u bother to congratulate the expectant mother?

OP, I would suggest you put all thoughts of gifts from your family, what gifts MIL has given her family and all financial issues out of your mind. The main problem here seems to be the total lack of communication between both of you and it sounds like some positive moves towards your MIL to bring her 'into' the experience of your pregnancy is what's needed.

I am a grandparent/MIL and I usually wait for her to invite me into the areas of her life that she wants to involve me in. I don't want her to feel as if I'm trying to take over anything in her life because she happens to be married to my son and I respect her and her personal space. Most importantly she's a really lovely woman who loves my son and makes him happy. She does contact me when she needs something and each time I've helped her out (when I can, I can't always do what she asks) I always say bye bye and remind her to ask anytime . I asked a couple of times if I could do something in the early days and could sense it made her feel awkward so I learned from that, hence now waiting for DIL to ask.

If my DIL and son had broken up and got back together again I would wait for a sign from my DIL that she was happy for me to be in contact with her again rather than force myself into her life.

Maybe send her a text, saying it's been a while since you've chatted, it would be great to catch up and when would be a good time to have a call? Depending on how upset her son was during your rough patch she may still be trying to come to terms with the fact you are back together and having a baby. These things can't be hurried up, sometimes people just need time and as much flack as MILs get they are human and still having feelings. One day you will be a MIL maybe, so treat her as you would want to be treated.

Don't forget that every relationship is different and people are not obliged to treat each other in a particular manner just because of the role they hold in a family tree. If your MIL feels closer to her daughters then you can't hold a grudge about that. I know I treat my daughters differently to my DIL in relation to how much money and time I spend BUT my DILs mother also favours her daughter over my son - it's perfectly natural and does not infer any malice.

Good luck.

P.s.: the gifts thing, your family are very generous but no way would I allow my mother to pay something up over weeks or months for a baby that I was having. If she can't afford it then you should pay for it, regardless of her insistence.

How old are you op?

My family/ in-laws were falling over each other to buy the baby things. I feel very blessed as baby was unexpected and we wouldn't be able to have half the lovely stuff we have if it wasn't for the genoristy of other. Baby's make people generious, I have received gifts off the most random people including my OH's grandma's friend whom I've never met and my mum's work collegues mum who I have also never met. I am grateful for everything we receive. This baby is also the first grandchild/great grandchild on both sides so maybe that makes a difference. You said that your MIL already has a lot of grandchildren. Maybe she can't afford to pay our what she once did

Sparkle
I cant say how much i really do appreciate the reply u just gave. It made perfect sense to the situation and its refreshing for someone to speak clearly and with real purpose.
You sound such a reasonable person and i hope u dont mind me asking some questions. Firstly what do u suggest is an appropriate sign to say im happy for her to contact me? We have never been best of friends but were always a text away. Im to afraid to begin a conversation incase its thrown back at me.
Also what in particular would be making it difficult for her to come to terms with us being back together and having a baby? I mean, i understand its a big thing but I have no indication of what may actually be causing such a long lasting issue.
As for the pram... okay this has been raised by a couple of people. Its something my mother felt she wanted to do, ofcourse by all means i disagreed to a maximum level. To the extent i lied about having already set aside my budget for the pram. She didnt back down and continually over weeks insisted she wanted so badly to buy this as her only daughter she went on about how she might mot have this chance again! It may seem far fetched to some but ment alot to her. Anyway i did choose a fair priced standard yet perfectly good second hand pram. She had other ideas and went online to shop, i didnt pick the pram I left that to her, yes i feel terribly guilty but somewhat happy that she gets to do what she wanted and chose what suits her budget too. She will not be in hardship paying this but simply didnt have the cash upfront. Hope this clears things up a bit

Ollieplimsoles im 28

Frenchfries
Thats lovely and u are very blessed. I understand what u are saying that she may not have the money (which she does) but thats not any concern of mine. Its that she jumped up and down for every other grandchild but hasnt muttered a congrats to me.
Heavens i wouldnt mind in the slightest if she had a kind word to say while stating she isnt gifting, absolutely fine and fair enough. Just would be nice to know shes on board i suppose.

To those saying don't let your mum buy the pram if she's going to struggle to afford it - it isn't always as easy as that. My MIL has offered to buy our travel system (in also 5 months 😁) as she has done with all her other GC and she wants to treat them equally. However she's never been as worse off as this before. She has insisted she's buying it, paying it up, we've argued with her several times but she's very stubborn and we ended up feeling almost guilted into letting her buy it and by arguing with her about it it makes us seem like we are being ungrateful. All we can do is tell her it will make us feel better if we at least split the cost and tell her how incredibly grateful we are.

I also like to be organised in each pregnancy so know where you're coming from. Personally if it was me I'd plan to buy the rest myself, if they offer before you buy then that's amazing, if not then you're sorted 😊

Morgan2017 I think it's as simple as sending her a pleasant text message....it's what I do with my MIL when I fancy a chat with her. "Hi XX, been a while since we chatted, have you got any time this week to catch up? Would be lovely, Sparkle" She then replies with days she's free and it goes from there. To be very honest, I have learned a lot from my MIL about how to behave with my DIL. My MIL has two sons and no daughters and just the other day she told me how she misses her sons and that she feels it would be nice to hear from them more often BUT she accepts they have lives to live and pressures to deal with that she can't help with. Now that I know that though I can schedule in a few extra visits through the year. She really is lovely and I'm pleased that we can be that open with each other but It's taken a decade of hard work on both sides to build that rapport and trust with each other. It's not always been plain sailing, especially in the early days when I expected her to treat me a certain way from the very beginning - too much entitlement on my part!

Unfortunately when you are trying to resolve issues you can't always mitigate all risk of getting hurt. If the stakes are high (i.e. family peace and relaxation) then someone has to make the first move. I would seriously suggest it comes from you. Don't try to manipulate MIL into contacting you first, own your position and be upfront. Yes it's scary and sometimes we expect the worst but you may be surprised and she may be relieved!

Perhaps it will lead to a situation where you have an open, private conversation and things can be built upon from there. Just don't approach the situation in victim mode expecting some kind of apology for the way she's been. There are always two sides to every story and regardless of who did what or who said what the main goal is to create harmony and move forward so that your baby can be born into a peaceful family situation.

I really hope things work out for you all

As for your mum, now that you've explained it a bit more I would hazard a guess she's very excited and waited a long time to be able to do something like this. Accept it graciously and don't feel guilty.

You're only 5 months pregnant!! We hadn't bought a thing by that stage. I'm sure they'll buy some stuff for the baby nearer the time.

Sparkle you talk a lot of sense

Buying presents for the baby when you're five months pregnant seems very odd to me.

And I think it's nuts to berate your in laws for not committing to large gifts at this point. Let them get used to the idea ffs. And when the baby comes along and they contribute nothing more than a packet of vests, that should be fine too.

Thankyou so much. Everything you said makes perfect sense and i really am going to take on board and give plenty thought to your suggestions. I dont know why but ur message has helped me come back to earth, i instantly feel lighter having someone say things from such a perspective. I will most definitely take time out to look at what i can do to improve this situation rather than wait on someone else making the move, which i have been doing all this time. Thank you

OP - could your ILs maybe be worrying that if you and your DH had one rocky patch there may be others?

Do they perhaps not want to get too close in case you split again or something?

I'm not saying that's fair or right but could it be an explanation for them not even acknowledging you?

Oh, and yes, I'm sorry but it is unreasonable to expect anything although we did buy stuff for our grandchildren as did their other grandparents.

Ofcourse that would be fine!! They can come emtpy handed but a congrats or even a hello would reduce me to tears. To know she isnt rejecting this.

Yes, thats perfectly possibly the concern. Its not something i considered to be a worry of hers but not unlikely i suppose. We were together 7years previous with no issues, not even a bicker. I feel, well hope she knows we arent silly in/out youngsters.

Yes eyestye ur probably right. See i didnt want to seem like i wanted a price match so tried to navigate around it, it still just appears that way anyway!! The whole giftcard balance was only mentioned as a way of saying how involved she was with the others in terms of financial yes but more importantly actual show of interest from the 12 week date.

Mummyoflittledragon thanks, learned from my own difficult experiences

I'm sure it was different for her with her own DDs.

It doesn't mean she won't love your baby.

And you split from her son and are now all of a sudden back together and having a baby. I'd be wary, too.

I can understand how you feel. DC1 was not the first GC on either side. My family were beside themselves with excitement when we told them whereas PIL sat in silence and then asked if we were happy about it if it's relevant we had been together and married a few years.

I don't see you as grabby, but rather looking to see that your child will be loved equally with the other GC.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

I wonder if your MiL doesn't want to become emotionally invested because she has concerns about your relationship which you have said is rocky. She might be wary of committing to a grandchild she may not have much contact with if you aren't able to sustain your relationship long term.