To think my life / relationship was better when I was a stay at home wife?

[tiggerbalm]

A few months ago I returned to work after a period of unemployment last year due to redundancy. When I first lost my job I was devestated and dreaded the thought of being stuck at home, not contributing anything, feeling less of an equal.

The reality though was different to what I expected. Its in my nature to make the best of things so I did and set about sorting out our house which had been a bit neglected, I learned to cook. Our house was nice, clean and calm, we had lovely food on the table each night for my husband coming home and our evenings free to relax in because everything in the house was done. It was great our relationship and sex life improved dramatically, I looked about 10 years younger, it was wonderful. I felt like a different, better person and it really seemed to work for us.

I did however still feel this pressure from myself, my friends to find another job so earlier this year I started back again and within a month or so things have changed for the worse at home. Before I was unemployed our relationship was muddling along but the spark had gone both of us worn down by work and life and I think we bore the brunt of each others tiredness. At times I had wondered if we were flogging a dead horse but my time off showed that it was just we were both just too exhausted to give the relationship our best and we don't even have kids.

Am I being unreasonable to think that the pressures of work, careers, running a home not to mention kids is a real problem for modern relationships? I am back working now and feel I must but while I get some satisfaction out of my job I was mutch happier at home and my relationship was happier too.

Perhaps what I need is a "wife" myself to run the home and have dinner on the table for me when I get home.

I think in the OP's situation it would probably be better to consider part time work. I personally would feel like the OP and her friends too. I think most people in this country would find it surprising if someone of working age without children at home and without a significant health problem wasn't working at all unless they were exceedingly well off. That's not to say it would be wrong just that it is unusual.

I agree with lonny too and disagree with the majority of posters who seem to focus just on themselves and their immediate family. I think we all have a collective responsibility too. A SAHP could well contribute to society without working through volunteering, helping elderly relatives or neighbours, etc so I don't think contributing necessary needs to be through paid work.

I personally don't like not working - I love it and find it only adds to my happiness ( plus the money's nice).

But I have lots of domestic help and DH is perfectly happy to muck in with the left over chores so no one's knackered or stretched.

We both work and we both look after our home together.

It's suits our family this way.

But I'm a firm believer that people should do what works best for them. So if Op and her DH both prefer her not to work and she's happy with the implications of it, then why the hell not?

I was a sahm/ wife for 25 years before I started work again.
We have never had much money, but it was our choice to have a sahm.
I never felt like I was missing out on anything and am only working pt temporarily then back to running the home, which is easy as one has left, the next will be in a couple of years, which leaves dd who's hardly ever here.
I think you do what suits you as a family and as a couple.

I teach and when DS2 was born I took 2 years off. I loved every minute of it; I was home to cook, clean and get everything done. But I despised not having my 'own' money. We're absolutely a team and everything is shared but something felt quite difficult about having to justify large purchases (to myself; DH couldn't give a toss). I went back to work part-time initially but now I'm full time and can't cope. MIL helps out no end; without her we'd just sink.

In September I'm considering taking another break just to have time to spend with the DCs. If you can afford it and your DP doesn't mind, I say go for it.

Unusual to SaH with no DC.

Do what makes you happy. I don't have any financial need to work. DH can very easily support us, including all the luxuries we want. I'd have full access to all our money. I have assets that if I sell, will comfortably see me through until I die.

I work because I love what I do. Without financial impetus, there's no other good reason to keep working. If work stresses you out and you don't need to work, don't. You don't need to justify it anyone really.

I completely agree. It's great that we have more choice these days but I can't help but think the other edge of the sword is that it's much harder, financially and otherwise, to stay at home if that's what we choose.

I think you are definitely NBU! We've got a slightly odd setup as I'm a student, so DH is the sole earner, but I probably work more than 40 hours a week between the time I'm at placement and the work I have to do at home. Our lives always get massively pleasanter when I'm on holiday! I'm about to take a second year out as maternity leave and we're actually both really excited about it as we moved house in January and I'll actually have a chance to get everything properly sorted. I love what I'm studying (medicine) and am really looking forward to being qualified and starting work, but DH and I have discussed at length and I have no intention of working full time until DC are much older, if ever. It will mean slower progress career-wise etc but I don't really care. In an ideal world once my earning has caught up enough to allow for it we'd both like to be part time so we can see more of each other and DC and just enjoy life a bit more. At the moment with shifts etc I sometimes go three or four days without seeing DH except for sleepy mutters, and he won't see DS at all.

I am the main breadwinner and would love to be at home, I enjoy keeping the house clean and tidy and looking nice, cooking nice meals, being able to host play dates and take the kids to activities and feeling less stressed and under pressure. Sadly we cannot afford for me to change at the moment.