To think my life / relationship was better when I was a stay at home wife?

[tiggerbalm]

A few months ago I returned to work after a period of unemployment last year due to redundancy. When I first lost my job I was devestated and dreaded the thought of being stuck at home, not contributing anything, feeling less of an equal.

The reality though was different to what I expected. Its in my nature to make the best of things so I did and set about sorting out our house which had been a bit neglected, I learned to cook. Our house was nice, clean and calm, we had lovely food on the table each night for my husband coming home and our evenings free to relax in because everything in the house was done. It was great our relationship and sex life improved dramatically, I looked about 10 years younger, it was wonderful. I felt like a different, better person and it really seemed to work for us.

I did however still feel this pressure from myself, my friends to find another job so earlier this year I started back again and within a month or so things have changed for the worse at home. Before I was unemployed our relationship was muddling along but the spark had gone both of us worn down by work and life and I think we bore the brunt of each others tiredness. At times I had wondered if we were flogging a dead horse but my time off showed that it was just we were both just too exhausted to give the relationship our best and we don't even have kids.

Am I being unreasonable to think that the pressures of work, careers, running a home not to mention kids is a real problem for modern relationships? I am back working now and feel I must but while I get some satisfaction out of my job I was mutch happier at home and my relationship was happier too.

Perhaps what I need is a "wife" myself to run the home and have dinner on the table for me when I get home.

I think it's all about having choices and achieving balance. I love my job, but it doesn't define who I am. I work part-time hours so have a really good balance between work and family life. As others have said, having a cleaner and online shopping takes a huge amount of pressure off. For me it means when I am at home I don't spend all my time cleaning (also I hate cleaning!)
My parents split up when I was an adult and probably weren't happy for years. So my mother had always ingrained in us the importance of financial independence. As a result I would actually literally be afraid not to be able to survive financially on my own.

I think you'd be mad to do this without kids tbh. If you are a SAHM, then if your husband leaves, courts will take your contribution into account when dividing the finances, and you will be seen to have made an equal contribution to the household. Someone without kids who's just being lazy (lets face it, it is lazy!!) will probably not get the same consideration. How long does it honestly take to do the housework - would you genuinely be working from when you get up to when your husband comes home? I doubt it. Other than laziness, I don't see why you would need to pack in your job to keep on top of the housework - cut down to 4 days a week if you really need to. I don't see why your DH should have to slog all day to pay for you to stay at home and do hobbies, beauty treatments or whatever it is that "housewives" with no kids do.

It has always caused problems in our relationship if I am not working. Too much resentment and a sense that the person earning has more power in decision making.
So I work and throw money at the housework / laundry etc. Lots of it. So it all gets done. This seems to work better for us.

I think I'd have divorced by now if I hadn't been a sahm. However now my kids are much older I'm stuck in a part time, nmw job. I don't mind this as I'm not ambitious and my self esteem isn't linked to my job, however if my marriage had gone tits up, I'd be screwed.

In terms of protecting yourself, also think about your current pension arrangements, and making provision for if you are not together in future.

My xpwrience is that not working because you are SAHM canes the dynamic of the family.
For me it meant DH not as involved in the day to day life, not as involved with the dcs, expecting a helll of a lot from me 'because I had nothing to do all day' (I had two under 3 at the time...) etc...
It also means that, somehow, he also HAD more 'power' in the relationship.
In effect, it was reverting back to the 1950 and old stereotypes die hard so ....

Unsurprisingly, that actually nearly split us up which means I was facing being single with no money and no job. And did really stop me from going ahead. There has been times when I did accept too much crap TBH.

Fwiw what is interesting is that nowdays I still work very little but it's due to ill health. Somehow that is actually acceptable on stereotype standards so DH is very helpful and we don't have any of the issues I mentioned above .
I'm still dreading not being able to be financially independent from knowing how much impact it could have in me and the dcs....

Another issue worth mentioning is PENSION. Having worked little (SAHM and then ill), i have no private pension at all and will struggle to hav a full state pension (if there is still one). That is scary too (it means relying on DH again who, as a man, I am likely to outlive....)

I work from home and only part time.

It means I can keep on top of things and can ensure we have a proper meal at tea time. DH is in a job that takes him all over the country so he isn't guaranteed a finish time so it's nice to support him.
We don't have any children as such . My DD is in her late 20s and has Mild SEN so I can support her too.

I do say to DH I should go out and get a proper job (I have a degree) but DH says I do have a proper job and as long as I am happy doing what I do then all is ok with him.

We work to our strengths as a team.

I am 50 but if you had said be a SAHM when my children were little I would've boaked at the idea and spouted some stuff about gender roles and equality.

I missed my babies growing up and I wish I had stayed and looked after them

It's a big regret

I think accusing the OP of being lazy is a bit harsh! I can completely see why she feels that way - we both work full time and to try and fit everything else in you're supposed to do is hardwork! Cooking home cooked healthy meals, exercising regularly, keeping the house clean and the laundry done, doing the DIY, visiting friends/relatives, grocery shopping, trying to prepare healthy lunches etc etc leaves virtually no time for anything else. Something always suffers and you don't end up being as relaxed and as healthy and happy as you can be!
I personally would go down the part time route though. And I certainly wouldn't base it on the fact that you might split up and someone else mentioned! Don't live your life miserably just because the worse MIGHT happen!

DH and I both work part time for almost exactly this reason - we take it in turns to do the housewife stuff. And I wouldn't go back to full time for the world.

I was a SAHM when my kids are small and now work part time. Our lives are very pleasant and chill. Our kids have grown up feeling secure and DP and I have a great relationship.

We have lots of friends who live on a treadmill and don't envy them at all. They are not even any better off materially than us.

To be honest it is a relief to say this on this thread. One of my oldest friends once accused me of being smug. So now I do not discuss my lifestyle choices with people in real life.

Tinkly I'm the same! It funny that when you're happy with your life choices you feel less need to judge others. I am also quietly smug and happy

You don't think it's judgmental for Tinkly to say her friends live on a treadmill?

I became a SAHM at 28 and now, 3 DC later, I'm 40. I have never even worked part-time OTH since then. It's been absolutely fine.
Although DH and I have had quite distinct and I suppose traditional roles, we see each other as in an equal partnership. I think we have just both played to our strengths in the interests of the DC. It has also been the most economically practical thing for our family because while I could have been on a pretty good salary, having me at home has enabled DH to have the flexibility as an entrepreneur to make the kind of money to change our lives and the DC's future so it's definitely been worth it on a financial level for us as a family. I think if money had been an issue, I would have felt the need to contribute financially, but the opportunity cost of me working wasn't worth it in our case. DH couldn't have done what he has if we'd insisted on "equality" in terms of our work / childcare balance. In a marriage you can definitely have different roles but still be equal, as long as it suits you both and you have mutual respect. I feel like I have been able to give my full attention to the DC every day and feel privileged that I've never had to juggle childcare and work. There are times when I feel a bit judged for not having fulfilled a career, but ultimately my family are more important and I don't feel as if I need to prove myself on other people's terms.

Of course our lives would be easier if there was someone taking care of everything domestic - that's a no-brainer.

But - and this is meant as a genuine question, not a sarcastic one - what is it about both of you having a job that you find so difficult? I honestly expected you to say at the end of the post - we have 3 kids under the age of 5. No children? Two full-time jobs? That's just...being an adult, surely? I would get yourselves a cleaner and work on your relationship in other ways.

But, dear God, don't give up work to be a housewife unless you have a steady stream of income to support yourself.

I genuinely don't mean this to sound bitchy. But if the only way your relationship 'works' is if one partner is devoting 35 hours a week to cooking and cleaning then I'd be looking to change the relationship, not the working pattern.

It feels like this thread has pinged back from the 50s...

I dunno. I don't think there's any moral virtue to work. If the OP and her DH have the finances to afford for only one to work and that makes them happy, and they're self supporting, I don't see why they shouldn't.

One of my good friends hasn't worked in years - she initially gave up work to be a trailing spouse, and since then has done some interesting freelance contracts, set up a small business, and had some really interesting life experiences. It works for her. Yes, there's a risk if she and her DH break up, but that could probably be mitigated against.

It is a bit worrying to see someone recommending work so the op can treat herself to a lipstick, haircut or frock tbh.

Freelance contracts and a small business is work though - it's what I do myself

I think there is a moral responsibility to pay into the system and also to be able to support yourself in the future, which is why I've always kept my hand in. Should anything happen to DH (who earns more than me, enough to support us both) then I would be able to ramp up what I'm doing now very quickly to earn more.

And I can't think of anything duller than hoovering and cooking.

Every family must do what is right for them..talk to your husband and see what he thinks..there is nothing to stop you going back to being a housewife..

Hear hear cafecat..I'm the same,and it works mighty well for us too

Lonny - I don't think many SAHPs spend all day cleaning and hoovering though, lets face it. Even if they did, the majority of office jobs are no more exciting and a lot less flexible.

Just because you earn a salary does not mean you have a more interesting life.

Jewe1 the op isn't a stay at home parent though, she's a stay at home housewife. She didn't mention studying or volunteering or anything like that, she said she sorted out the house and cooked every evening. Personally, to me, that sounds as dull as ditchwater.

I don't know, OP. I'm a SAHP at the moment and live what should be a wonderful lifestyle but am feeling deeply creatively, professionally and intellectually unfulfilled and am quite down about it. Everyone's different, I guess. Sorry you are finding your return to work so tough and hope you can find the solution that's right for you, just don't assume it's right for everyone else!

This is really odd for me. I've been a sahp for 2 years. I've been working for 6 months and I much prefer working. I like the break from the house. I love the extra money. Things were really tight financially for the 2 years i had off. My self esteem is improving so much. My brain works better, i sleep better, I'm less stressed.

My DC and dh may not see it this way because they now have to help out more but i don't see a problem with this. I feel much more independent and alot less slave like!

It's an absolute breeze to keep your house nice, clean and calm if it's just you pottering round all day. If it's benefitting your well-being and mental health to do so and isn't putting financial strain on your relationship then great.
But, this is not what life will be like if you have kids. I regret becoming a SAHM so bitterly. It has completely derailed our relationship and wrecked us financially.
If you want to spend some time out of the workforce do so, but it can be incredibly hard to get a job again after even a couple of years out of the workforce. Maybe keep an open mind as to your aspirations, you might be content for a few months but itching to work again 6m down the line. You don't have to define yourself and are entitled to make the decision that works best for you and your OH.