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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my life / relationship was better when I was a stay at home wife?

84 replies

tiggerbalm · 07/04/2017 13:56

A few months ago I returned to work after a period of unemployment last year due to redundancy. When I first lost my job I was devestated and dreaded the thought of being stuck at home, not contributing anything, feeling less of an equal.

The reality though was different to what I expected. Its in my nature to make the best of things so I did and set about sorting out our house which had been a bit neglected, I learned to cook. Our house was nice, clean and calm, we had lovely food on the table each night for my husband coming home and our evenings free to relax in because everything in the house was done. It was great our relationship and sex life improved dramatically, I looked about 10 years younger, it was wonderful. I felt like a different, better person and it really seemed to work for us.

I did however still feel this pressure from myself, my friends to find another job so earlier this year I started back again and within a month or so things have changed for the worse at home. Before I was unemployed our relationship was muddling along but the spark had gone both of us worn down by work and life and I think we bore the brunt of each others tiredness. At times I had wondered if we were flogging a dead horse but my time off showed that it was just we were both just too exhausted to give the relationship our best and we don't even have kids.

Am I being unreasonable to think that the pressures of work, careers, running a home not to mention kids is a real problem for modern relationships? I am back working now and feel I must but while I get some satisfaction out of my job I was mutch happier at home and my relationship was happier too.

Perhaps what I need is a "wife" myself to run the home and have dinner on the table for me when I get home.

OP posts:
Goldfishjane · 07/04/2017 15:21

Cherries "Still, I don't think basing your entire life on what could go wrong is practical "

well no. but that's not the same as asking yourself "what is my financial situation in scenarios A, B and C" etc.

ThePiglet59 · 07/04/2017 15:25

Well I think that it's madness to work if you were both happier when you were a housewife. Sod what other people think or say. Do what's best for you and your family.

CherriesInTheSnow · 07/04/2017 15:27

I get what you're saying, maybe a bit of hyperbole on my part there! Grin

But still think OP, if she feels secure in her relationship and is happy, I don't think she should force herself back into work (personally)

My aunt recently got divorced at nearly 60. Her exH and her both worked full time, she still got completely shafted and is really, really struggling now :( So I guess you can't really predict what will happen and it is sensible to consider options, but I would be horrified if my OH decided to go back to work full time at the detriment of our family life and child because he was worried that in 10 years I would run off with the post man and leave him with nothing!

Doje · 07/04/2017 15:40

I became a SAHM three years ago, and have LOVED being actually in control of the house - cleaning, admin, laundry and cooking for the family. I love that I actually got on top of house stuff rather than fire fighting constantly. I especially enjoy the cooking, and being able to provide a healthy, tasty meal for the family, and can take time over it. When I was full time working, the main criteria of a meal was that it was ready in 30 minutes or less!

I recently accepted a job 2 days a week which makes me a but sad as things are a bit more hectic now - although I'm sure will settle down somewhat.

Goondoit · 07/04/2017 15:47

Yanbu
When I went on mat leave end of 2015 I worried about not working etc not bringing in as much as I had previously been the main earner and then that swapped just before I got pregnant
Then I loved being a sahm on mat leave and returned to work 3 days.
Dh always said "you'll need to go to 4 days or full time asap" but now he's changed his tune and is happy for me to do 3 forever and to do more is my choice
Housework is mainly managed (my 15mo dd is my excuse there but it's getting easier to raise my standards again as she gets older) I cook meals from scratch (slow cooker usually) and I feel happy relaxed and calm by 8pm not having to the start the second shift!

MadamPatti · 07/04/2017 16:34

I was a sahm for 10 years and then did a fixed term contract for a few months. I was completely shattered all the time and felt all we did was firefight. Back now as a sahm for a while and am just appreciating what I thought I didn't want. Know I'll have to strike out into the world of work at some point, but that's another story......

Original poster
tiggerbalm · 07/04/2017 22:24

Thanks for all the replies in my absence, I was supposed to be havig a day off but got called back into work unexpectedly. Its a nice surprise to see so much positive support for staying home. This isn't the sort of feedback I get from my peers at all regarding not working. Some do make the point of financial security as previous posters here have and it is a good point. I can't imagine a situation where my partner and I would split but that doesn't mean that couldn't happen or worse so it does need to be considered.

I think one of the main objections from my friends though is about being independent, not ever making yourself vulnerable by becoming financially dependent on a man but almost in a sense of how that financial independance affects your sense of self or identity and I think that a lot of my friends would lose respect for me if I chose to stay at home and I don't think my mum would be too impressed either.

I kind of felt this pressure myself or judgement about that lifestyle choice myself but after being a "stay at home wife" my views have changed and I feel like a lot, not all but a lot of my friends aren't actually happy or enjoying their lives very much, their relationships are strained and their health suffers but to take a step back and question the work dogma seems like heresy! I know because I've been just like them, am like them.

Anyway, some great suggestions about getting help and cutting my hours I think I will see what is possible for us and work out something that would give us the best of both worlds!

OP posts:
Darla21 · 07/04/2017 23:21

It is a common phenomena that some people base their whole identity on their job or what they do for a living, but that's such a shame as it can change at any moment: you can be made redundant, be no longer able to work due to ill health, industry collapses etc. I think there is so much more to a person that what they do for work, and our self worth should not be connected to that but rather from ourselves, from having positive relationships and from how we choose to spend our time. Try not to worry what people think, many go through their whole lives searching for something to make them happy; you've found it. Wishing you the best OP.

Caterina99 · 08/04/2017 01:45

I think you should do whatever suits you best and you and your DH are happy with.

However I gave up my job to move abroad with my DH. And I did struggle having nothing to do. I did a lot of volunteering, which was basically working without getting paid. And I really needed the routine and to get out and see people, although it was nice to have the flexibility of being a volunteer. I'm now sahm to a toddler, which is better as having a baby gave me a new social circle and more of a purpose to my days.

AssassinatedBeauty · 08/04/2017 02:04

Why don't you both work part time. You could both do 3 or 4 days a week and have much more time together and to do things at home.

IAmAmy · 08/04/2017 02:09

People should do what they're happy with doing. I don't like the attitudes of anyone who looks down on another for the other choice. I think comments like a lot of my friends aren't actually happy or enjoying their lives very much, their relationships are strained and their health suffers seem like you're looking down on mothers who work.

IAmAmy · 08/04/2017 02:10

My mum has always worked full time and my brothers and I look up to her so much, she's an amazing mum, always there for us and we could not ask for anything more.

3littlebadgers · 08/04/2017 02:39

I have recently taken a temporary contract after sever years being a Sahp. I was so much happier being at home. My days were never boring doing all of the things that needed to be done and home life was happier. I went back because I was worried about pensions etc. if I could stay at home I would. My contract is up on the summer and I am thinking seriously about my next move.

BurningViolin · 08/04/2017 07:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mugglebumthesecond · 08/04/2017 07:23

Totally and utterly agree with you! The only reason you should work full time if you're feeling like this is out of necessity. Life is too short. Relationships and people matter the most and do what makes your family happy.

I don't work over the summer months and I can't bloody wait. Sad as it sounds being at home is my favourite time and life seems so much better for my DH, all the kids including teenagers.

StealthPolarBear · 08/04/2017 07:32

Both going pt as a pp suggested would seem the ideal compromise

sweetcarolines · 08/04/2017 07:34

Yanbu
Running a home is a job in itself.. with or without kids!
Is working part time an option? That may provide a happy medium.
I spent my 20's climbing the career ladder and am currently successful in my middle management role. I'm where I wanted to be professionally.
However now I'm mid 30's with children, my dream job is to work in Tesco for a few hours a few days a week while the kids are in school!
It's funny how your priorities change as you get older

ihatethecold · 08/04/2017 07:45

This is a great thread.
I was sure the op was going to get a hard time.
So glad she didn't.
I have worked part time for the last 13 years due to my DH being a police man and working long shifts.
Now the kids are teenagers I've found I'm busier than ever.
My DH will retire this summer and will get a different job and keeps saying about me giving up work.
I could realistically have another 20 years of work but I love being around and free to walk the dogs and be there for my family.

morningconstitutional2017 · 08/04/2017 07:55

I had stints of full-time and part-time work and the former is definitely more tiring with little energy/time left over for all those little jobs which get left and it simply can't be helped.

The latter was much better as it provides a more comfortable work/life balance BUT I found that type of work is either very menial and physically draining such as cleaning or typing for someone who expects a full-time work load with part-time hours IYSWIM.

However it feels good to be making a financial contribution and it's better for your self-esteem. If you want to treat yourself to a new lipstick/fancy hairdo/nice frock etc you don't feel guilty.

bluefeathers · 08/04/2017 08:00

I completely get you. I would love to be a house wife and look after the family and home. It makes for smoother living. As it is I commute 3 hours a day work a long stressful job and struggle to get home for yoga... I just want to relax and sleep at the end of the day. If you have the option could you work 3 days a week?

passingthrough1 · 08/04/2017 08:02

Part time would probably suit you well and I think eventually I'd like to work part time after I've finished a few maternity leaves. The benefits that I can think of from PT would be that you still have a job so if the worst happens (split, bereavement etc) it's easy to get back into the workplace full time because you've never had any prolonged career break, but at the same time you have plenty of time at home.

I work (or did, I'm on mat leave) in a very stressful, high pay high effort industry and a lot of the things people say leave me very sad. You hear a lot of "well of course work comes first" and I just think WHY? Your relationship is the more important thing than work.
You should also make things easier though. I am struggling at home with a baby so we have made changes including online shop same time every week, meal planning, a cleaner so the housework - what is left - is more manageable.. and actually I feel like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

whatisforteamum · 08/04/2017 08:05

I worked part time when my dcs were young and dh did a 6 day week.Now I'm contracted 35 but I'm doing 45 on shifts which sometimes makes us feel like ships passing in the night as he has a 430 am alarm .
Last yr we went away and I realised how much I miss out by working unsociable hrs.Money isn't everything Op if you can budget then why not take tome out.
I love my job however with both parents being diagnosed with terminal cancer the last few yes it has made me realise life can come to an unexpected end suddenly.
Do what makes you happy.....not society.

DevelopingDetritus · 08/04/2017 08:08

Like others have said, the solution seems to be part time work and get some help in, why not if you can afford it. Or even, what about both of you going part time, would that be an option at all.

PollyPelargonium52 · 08/04/2017 08:09

It is much easier if you do online supermarket shopping. Also get a gardener some don't mind coming 5 pm when you are back from work or even 6 pm. Cleaners may come Saturday mornings too perhaps. I am sure it would really help.

BeyondThePage · 08/04/2017 08:13

I work 12 hours - 3x half days, life is good, all the crap that needs doing to keep our family life running beautifully gets done in the week, and our weekends are free for the stuff we want to do together.

Gives the best of both world to our family as it suits us to a T - but we can afford for me to do that.

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