Am I being an utter bitch?

[Bigblug]

Dp is incredibly creative. I'm incredibly not. He's been working on a play for months, and was finally shown to the public on Tuesday, with great reception and reviews. I told him my opinion (that I thought it was brilliant) but, because I'm not really creatively minded, I don't really know how to express myself further than that. I know he's been swept away with the success of it, but I've felt rather interrogated since, asked a million questions about how I think it went/what i liked ect and I don't really know what to say. I finally snapped, and asked him to stop asking me questions. I liked it, it was good, it worked really well. He's now really hurt and upset because he's so proud of it, but I openly admit I'm just not the right person to talk to about it. Obviously, being his partner, he wants me to be the right person to talk about it with because he cares about my opinion.

worthy

Oh Dear. One of my books was a riproaring success, and I didn't expect anyone except the customers who bought it, or the papers it was in, to read it. The only person who hurt my feelings was my mother, who pointedly ignored it, but that's another story.

Asking for endless reassurance is a fucking nuisance. When you need feedback, you ask a lot of different people.

Does DP have, er, trouble collaborating with people? No one I know who does this kind of stuff for a living would ever put up with an ego freak - no time, it's dull, it's selfish, and everyone can do it.

I'm well used to the minutiae of different projects too - but you hack through the nitty gritty with someone who knows what they're doing with your type of work, not your benighted girlfriend.

Out of interest, how enthusiastically does he celebrate your achievements?

You still watched it, you can comment on what you saw and liked. He cares about your opinion, that should matter to you too.
You sound like those friends it drives me nuts to go to the cinema with, who just say, 'yeah it was good', when I want a full discussion afterwards in the pub. I want to know what they liked, didn't like, what effect it had on them, what it made them THINK. Maybe that was more my attitude in my 20s though, now I'm just tired and want to go to bed after sitting in the dark for 2 hours.

He actually collaborates very well. He's very well liked in his scene, and has a lovely group of very talented people who often give up their time and expertise for free because they believe in and like his projects. However yes, he is very needy. He has an incredibly annoying habit of noticing who's not there rather than who is. And it always puts a dampener on things!

Creativity is experienced by most people as a sense of deep play alternating with development of techniques.

Sometimes you have to use lots of non-verbal reasoning. You have to let things cook. Constant analysis with words is a critic's job.

Demanding that your partner finds endless ways to say how good you were is about you and your relationship.

I bet if you were Judy Dench herself all he really wants is "wow! You did it! And you got praised! And they paid you! Kids isn't daddy clever! Aren't you clever!"

Of course he would notice what's missing, that's always the most important thing! It's our job to get things right, you know.

Give him till the end of the week and tell him so. Remind him that Virginia Woolf got obsessed with her own reviews and went mad :)

Do not suggest he gets a muse; that is creative for 'a shag'.

My 7yo does this. It wears. :o

And he's very supportive of me and what I do but I'm not really a big talker. I like to bake, and I'm happy with 'yeah it looks good'. I suppose I'm just happy with positive feedback, and it doesn't bother me to not talk about it for days on end.
We don't really talk about my job though because it's too 'real' for him, a lot of sad stories and blood and stuff. But if I know he's not interested about talking about something, I don't talk about it. I'm not a big talker anyway. I'm very much an introvert, in a household of extroverts!

He likes talking about it so make him do the talking. You turn it around. You give a little, like you say something nice about the lighting, then you ask him who did that / where the inspiration came from / alternatives he tried before that / how he knows he's got it right etc. Then you add in lots of 'that's interesting' and 'I wouldn't have thought of that' and you're away.

Ask him questions til he's begging you to stop.

He's excited. YANBU to find it tedious. Just ride it out.

I like to think I am the creative one in my relationship I drag my dh to things I've done, suggest he reads the work I've written and expect nothing more than a 'well done darling'. If he wanted to be married to a critic he should have married (wracks brains for famous critic) aa gill. He sounds way too needy for me.

It's good you can vent here! :)

He sounds lovely but most irritating.

I usually say to DH "ooh, you got praised. Yay" and that makes him laugh.

YANBU.

Not everyone is interested in giving a blow-by-blow account of what they liked about something - I think especially when you've been involved in all the build-up, you're probably a bit fed up of hearing about it all. That doesn't make you a bitch, it makes you human.

You've supported him throughout, you saw it and you liked it - I'm not really sure what else he wants? Surely your support is more important than anything else.

I under that this is very important to him but he's sounding a bit needy.

I am in the early stages of setting up a bakery. I practise and tweak and rewrite recipes and design and it's an obsession. And I'll say to DH "This time I used a hazelnut frangipane instead of almond. Do you think it works better? Do you like the depth of flavour?" and he'll say something really helpful like "Yeah, great"

He likes the end product but the nuances of flavour and texture aren't his thing. I'm after perfection, he's after pudding. I'm not offended because I accept that we're not driven by the same things (and we have a Chandler Bing situation when it comes to his job )

F10ella the Chandler Bing part made me laugh, I think he's like that about my job 😂 but yeah, exactly that. He doesn't even like cake, so rarely eats what I bake. His praise is purely for the aesthetics. Anything beyond that would be made up

"Remind him that Virginia Woolf got obsessed with her own reviews and went mad smile "

PMSL

I think this thread is creative OP :) You highlight a little area of married life that we all recognise but until now it didn't have a thread.

He is needing this excessive feedback from you because he lacks self belief and needs it to be delivered by other people, especially you. A difficult situation, but maybe getting him to understand or learn about this aspect of his personality will help him believe in himself and not need all this ego massaging. Only he can do this for himself and it will make him a happier person and with his creative thinking skills he could develop this self awareness.

YANBU you are not a bitch! My DH is exactly the same. He's works in a creative industry and he used to constantly ask my opinions on his "output".

I dont think people understand how bloody wearing it can be. I think you need to talk to him and explain that you do understand why he does it, (IMO they are looking for reassurance) BUT it gets too much sometimes.

I had to do the same with DH, I also asked him to imagine if I did it to him, asking him constantly how he felt about my job and what he thought other people thought about how I did my job. That really made him think!

Another tip, if you think he's on a roll of questions is to make an excuse and leave the room, or change the subject. I do actually say "ok, I think we've talked enough about that now, can we change the subject" because he would keep going on forever if I let him

In the spirit of being constructive, even tho I am exasperated for you as well :), I would ask him to get feedback off lots of people.

Because a group of say 10-14 replies will a) exhaust his questioning spirit b) most likely give him majority concensus on some parts which, when dealt with, will actually improve the work.

Get him to ask people who he thinks won't like the play as well.

I don't think you're necessarily wrong to have not that much to say.

However when I'm involved in plays I like to hear: if the costumes looked good, how the set fitted in, did the lighting add to the feeling? Did the actors interact in a natural fashion? Was there one actor who had a particular mannerism that brought the character to life?

"and we have a Chandler Bing situation when it comes to his job blush)"

Was that the scene where they realise that none of them know what Chandler does? I love the idea of a mumsnetter not knowing what her husband's job is because it's too Chandler :)

etymology but I do answer those questions. But he always somehow managed to reask the same question, but differently. Or forgets he's asked me the same question.
I actually counted how many questions he asked me throughout the day today. Baring in mind, this is two days after the fact, today he asked me 22 questions all based around those things. And I felt like o answered most of them yesterday.
Yes, the lighting worked.
Yes, I understood the political undertones.
Yes, the characters interactions worked well. And Yes, their reactions were realistic.

One of the characters was actually based on me, and my political opinions. Funnily enough, he didn't say much either as the 'neutral peacemaker' 😂

'Hes a trans... transponder!'
'THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD!'

man I love friends

I have a few responses to this- the first night I would be unfailingly positive. If I've produced/succeeded at something and feel really hyper about it, then I love that my husband is excited too, so he will (on the rare occasions it happens) buy some fizz, give a toast to me in front of the kids and so on. However, that's kind of a one off, and I don't think he'd then want to keep that up or analyse it the next day!

Are you sure he wants your actual opinion? Sometimes I do this a lot, ask questions like 'did you think the middle bit should be moved?' or 'someone said something positive, do you think that too?' but really I am not after a massively considered opinion, it's more a way of thinking out loud and processing the feedback, so he may not have been wanting your critique, more 'yes, whatever you think best dear' as he rambled on about his latest passion.

There has to be a time limit on these things, but if someone is in the first throes of having achieved something pretty momentous in their lives, then I would try not to rain on their parade too early on.

If he persists just say 'love, you know me, I'm not the world's most perceptive critic. All I know is I really like it. X really liked it too'. This will burn out anyway...

OP I'm a writer married to a ... lawyer.

He's incredibly supportive of my career in a thousand practical ways and his pride in my achievements is palpable but I don't talk him through my work. Because... he's not a writer.

Your DH needs to learn to seek peer feed back from, well, peers duh! And to let projects live their own lives once released into the wild. You cannot receive 100% positive feedback. You just can't. And those that need that will not survive in this business.