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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why on earth my friend doesn't this?

101 replies

Phillipaa · 06/04/2017 19:02

She's about 5ft4 and a size 16. I'm 5ft7 and a size 12. I'm not skinny but a normal, healthy weight. She is medically overweight.

Yet she constantly (as in every time we meet up) comments on how much weight she's lost and how she's slimmer than me. She makes comments that she would give me her clothes but they wouldn't fit me. If we go clothes shopping she informs me that she's a size 12, I need at least a size 14 or 'that would fit me but not you'.

I'm considerably thinner than her and unless she has a serious delusion she must know that.

She buys stretchy size 10 clothes and they look absurd on her as they don't come close to fitting. Just buy a size 16.

She tried on clothes and he size 16 always looks best but she refuses to buy them in that size and buys a 14 which is too small yet she insists she likes clothes baggy! 😂

She's not a bad person but she makes an idiot of herself with this as she makes these comments in front of mutual friends too and we all know I'm considerably thinner than her.

So why on earth do it? AIBU to think this is very odd behaviour?

She has low self esteem. None of us give two hoots about what size she is.

OP posts:

Andylion · 06/04/2017 20:54

If she is comfortable with how she is why are you so concerned about what she looks like.
I doubt she'd be going on like this to the OP if she was comfortable with the way she is.

OP, if you want her to stop but don't want to hurt her feelings, (and I assume you don't as you haven't said anything yet), I second what other posters have said. The next time she mentions her weight in comparison to yours, tell her that you are offended that she refers to your weight so much and that you are happy with yourself.

Starlighter · 06/04/2017 20:55

I had a friend like this. I went up to a size 14 after having kids and struggled to get the weight off. After lots of dieting and exercise (and bloody hard work!) I got back down to a size 8. I was so happy but she used to constantly put me down, buy me clothes 3 sizes too big, point out my flaws... It was so disheartening because I'd worked so hard for it.

Tell her you want to lose weight and ask her if she'll join you for support, even though she doesn't need to lose weight herself, of course!! Measure vital stats (waist and hips, etc) and work out your BMI. Ask her to do the same and compare!

PoorYorick · 06/04/2017 20:56

How so? The OP has to put up with that behaviour in her daily life

Of course she doesn't. She doesn't have to continue this "friendship" or see this person if she doesn't want to.

she has come on here to try and understand what is going on

OP believes she knows what's going on: "I think she wants me to feel fat as she feels fat herself." (From an early post.) She's not confused and bewildered and trying to fathom the mystery.

how is that the same?

It's not. One is a weird, deluded and clearly laughable behaviour that shouldn't bother anyone if it really is as obviously untrue as it sounds. The other is a rather horrid thread on a massive online forum inviting people to slate someone we've never met.

I don't think OP started this thread so we could have a very concerned and altruistic discussion about how to help this suffering friend about whom she clearly cares so much, do you?

OP has stated several times that she's not overweight and has a good shape. Good for her, I'm glad this person isn't destroying her confidence. With that said, the only reason to start a thread inviting us all to comment is....uncharitable.

VeryButchyRestingFace · 06/04/2017 20:58

Well yeah, but that doesn't mean it's better than the behaviour they're complaining about.

For all any of us know, OP's friend could be responsible for any/many of the 700,000000 "fuck my crappy friend" threads proliferating MN.

GetAHaircutCarl · 06/04/2017 20:59

Oh OP you poor thing.

You're obviously gorgeous and she's just a fat jealous cow.

Havanaclub · 06/04/2017 21:01

Leave her to be herself.

I am quite saddened that you need to make this person out to be odd.

So what, you either like her or not. And of course you are the size ten or whatever.

I think this is a reverse. But onwards and upwards. There is no end to being a total bitch is there.

Meekonsandwich · 06/04/2017 21:02

You need to tell her it's unacceptable to keep mentioning your non existent weight problem.

It's a horrible thing to do and she's in denial, cut her off every time.

I would get a measuring tape and for "laughs" take your measurements and ask her to take hers :p

I would say "stop. It doesn't matter and it's silly. Just stop. Don't mention it again"

PoorYorick · 06/04/2017 21:03

For all any of us know, OP's friend could be responsible for any/many of the 700,000000 "fuck my crappy friend" threads proliferating MN.

You're right. Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey stuff. Postmodernism, metafiction, my head asplode. Everyone's a bitch.

Chloe84 · 06/04/2017 21:03

OP believes she knows what's going on: "I think she wants me to feel fat as she feels fat herself." (From an early post.) She's not confused and bewildered and trying to fathom the mystery.

No harm in asking for some re-assurance, PoorYorick, even if OP does have an idea of why her friend behaves this way.

I think OP has been remarkably forbearing with her friend. If OP were as uncharitable as you describe, she would laugh in her friend's face when the friend tries to give her size 14 top to try on.

VeryButchyRestingFace · 06/04/2017 21:07

There is no end to being a total bitch is there

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Jesus H Christ.

PoorYorick · 06/04/2017 21:11

No harm in asking for some re-assurance, PoorYorick

Why does she need reassurance if she's quite clearly several dress sizes smaller than this person? We can't see either of them, what can we reassure her on? That her friend's a cow as well as fat?

user1471545174 · 06/04/2017 21:12

Offer a trying-on session.

Chloe84 · 06/04/2017 21:13

There is no end to being a total bitch is there.

Havanaclub, aren't you one of the two posters who hijacked the thread started by the OP who's dog had a tumour and was put to sleep today?

VeryButchyRestingFace · 06/04/2017 21:15

Havanaclub, aren't you one of the two posters who hijacked the thread started by the OP who's dog had a tumour and was put to sleep today

Yup.

Photo finish for one of the nastiest, most self indulgent posters I've ever seen on this site.

Chloe84 · 06/04/2017 21:16

Why does she need reassurance if she's quite clearly several dress sizes smaller than this person? We can't see either of them, what can we reassure her on? That her friend's a cow as well as fat?

Sigh. No, re-assurance that it's not OK for her to friend to put her down constantly by telling her size 12 clothes wouldn't fit her, that OP is overweight and bigger.

GetAHaircutCarl · 06/04/2017 21:20

Why does the OP need reassurance?

She's said several times that she cares not a jot what her 'friend' says. That she just laughs and cringes because she is of course 'considerably thinner' and has a 'good figure'.

Short of people piling in, what's the point?

Havanaclub · 06/04/2017 21:22

Glad to be of service.

If you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen.

But if you spend your lives tracking posters, get a life.

I don't understand why my post was bad.

Skinny person versus overweight person. Check.

Skinny person is better than overweight person. Check.

Get the picture. Stereotypes or what.

PoorYorick · 06/04/2017 21:24

Sigh. No, re-assurance that it's not OK for her to friend to put her down constantly by telling her size 12 clothes wouldn't fit her, that OP is overweight and bigger.

I do not believe there is an emotionally intelligent adult in the known universe who genuinely does not know whether this is ok. And cannot be sure unless everyone's favourite vipers' nest also thinks it is rude and disagreeable.

Especially when this person is so FAT and OP is so NOT. Not that that's important at all, you know. Because it's all about whether the behaviour is antisocial. Nothing more.

It's a call to an online pack slanging, and it's uglier than OP's friend. Who is fat, by the way. And OP isn't.

Chloe84 · 06/04/2017 21:25

She's said several times that she cares not a jot what her 'friend' says. That she just laughs and cringes because she is of course 'considerably thinner' and has a 'good figure'.

But OP didn't say she doesn't care a jot GetaHairCut. She said 'I've said nothing as it's too stupid to comment on. Sometimes I just laugh and cringe'.

That doesn't necessarily mean OP doesn't care. I took that to mean she would feel silly commenting on it as it makes no sense, so she just laughs it off.

We would need OP to explain what she meant.

Chloe84 · 06/04/2017 21:27

But if you spend your lives tracking posters, get a life.

You should be so lucky. I remembered your name from your ill judged posts. I certainly wouldn't take the time to search your posts.

PoorYorick · 06/04/2017 21:29

'I've said nothing as it's too stupid to comment on. Sometimes I just laugh and cringe'.

I think this can be safely paraphrased as 'not caring a jot'. Except that OP cares enough to start this thread.

Someone beeped at me today because I didn't take off the nanosecond the lights turned green. I didn't start a thread about it because I really didn't give a shit and I'd forgotten about it until just now. So of course now I've mentioned it and people are going to think I care really. Oh fuck, wobbly wobbly timey wimey stuff.

At any rate, OP started this thread so we would all be nasty about her insecure and unpleasant "friend". No, it's not nice to make out someone's fatter than you but if you're patently thinner and you know it, and everyone who looks at you knows it, it's much more gracious to remove yourself from this person's company and get on with things than orchestrate an online slanging that might well end up in the Fail.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 06/04/2017 21:29

I think there are fat peiple who are envious of those who are how they would like to be and by outting them down, they are just trying to make themselves feel better.

I had a very large friend who was short. I think she was a size 22/24. I am a size 10 and taller. She had a maxi dress that looked ridiculous on her as the line that was supposed to go under her boobs was through the nipple and one day she said she could give it to me (I like wearing maxi dresses) . A mutual friend was with us and pointed out it wouldn't fit me but fat friend was adamant it would because it was made for taller people. Another time she said she wanted to lose weight, about down to a mutual friend, who was also a size 10 but shorter than me so we carry it differently, when I said something about like me, she sneered and stated I was way too skinny. I'm not at all. It always felt like she had to put us in a similar category or me down to make herself feel better.

PoorYorick · 06/04/2017 21:31

I think there are fat peiple who are envious of those who are how they would like to be and by outting them down, they are just trying to make themselves feel better.

This is a human thing, not a fat person thing.

Chloe84 · 06/04/2017 21:31

PoorYorick

And yet MN is full of threads posted by women seeking re-assurance that they are not being nasty for saying/doing things that no one would judge them for. How many posters have said 'I really thought I would be flamed for this'. It always makes me wonder how they could think that, but they do.

Havanaclub · 06/04/2017 21:32

@Chloe84

Too many people name change because they are worried about being outed. WTAF. We are in a country of 65million people +

The paranoia here is unreal.

But I am not one bit worried. Everything I say I mean. I am not a tree hugger or a hypocrite.

Am I hitting a nerve or something for you all.

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