"Well of course I was going to tell BF"

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

I originally wrote quite a long post detailing the entire situation and how this came up but it got too long.

So basically what I want to know is: if a friend told you something and said "but please don't tell anyone" would you think that included your OH?

I wouldn't have to think twice either. Thats because I've never felt the need to gossip blab about other people's business. Once you establish that then it's easy.

I don't see how you don't get that not telling is not the same as lying

Exactly. I've been married over 30 years and I certainly would never break a friend's confidence by telling him things that don't remotely concern him. Absolutely not.

Er, slight side-point but there is such a thing as deception by omission, where A doesn't tell B something that they know that B would want to know if they could. E.g.

B: "DH, why are you so late home from work??"
A: "Oh, DW, er, the boss kept me back working till late. Also we had sex."

Of course, in this case the question is all about what A would reasonably have a right to know but the blanket "not telling isn't lying" thing is problematic for exactly the reason above.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lie#Lyingbyy_omission

I haven't read anything on this thread so far that would encourage me not to, or has convinced me that talking with my own husband is wrong

No, it seems not... Well as I said before, as long as it's then fine for the medical professionals or counsellors that you come into contact with to tell their partners about your issues if they think they might find it interesting. Oh and plus if you do work in a profession with a confidentiality requirement, your regulator wouldn't give a shit about your marriage and would see it as a serious breach.

Er, slight side-point but there is such a thing as deception by omission, where A doesn't tell B something that they know that B would want to know if they could

Yeah, I don't think your example is anywhere remotely the same as 'Jane told me today that Bill is having trouble getting it up and that she is thinking of divorce'.

as long as it's then fine for the medical professionals or counsellors that you come into contact with to tell their partners about your issues if they think they might find it interesting

I always assumed they did TBH. Not by name obviously but I certainly assumed they say things like "I saw one woman today who was in counselling because her father married her mother's sister" or whatever. Or a midwife saying "today I delivered a baby to a woman whose husband asked for a divorce directly after".

For example.

If not then literally every member of the medical profession I know is in breach as they have ALL told me stuff like that.

forthesakeoffuck I think the main difference is that piece of information is about the person speaking, not a friend or 3rd party, and will also presumably affect the partner.

Eg my boss whose partner is an oncology consultant said to me on Friday "oh X was upset last night as he had to break some bad news to a woman and she was very young".

I think confidentiality is maintained if you there's no way you could no who they're talking about? Like in the midwife Counselling example (even though it shouldn't be something you casually chat to anyone about)
That's different to going through your friends marital problems that she cried over lunch with you, where you tell your partner who it is and what was discussed.

I know it's different live, it was just in response to a pp saying would we not care if a counsellor or doctor went home and told their partner something we'd told them

I just assumed they all did that without naming names.

as long as it's then fine for the medical professionals or counsellors that you come into contact with to tell their partners about your issues if they think they might find it interesting

I always assumed they did TBH.

so did I. Cue all the biographies or blogs from real life medical staff or others.

onlyaplasticbag I think thats so general that confidentiality hasn't been breached. It's sort of like saying 'we lost a patient today*

photograph please don't assume everyone is like you.
If professionals are writing about specific cases then they should obtain the permission of the patient or client first.

Me and my husband share everything and keep no secrets. But if it was someone else's secret, then that is different. That is someone else's, not mine. So no, I would not tell him.

A pal of mine confessed in floods of tears that she had had an abortion at 16 weeks, and told everyone it was a miscarriage, and I am the only person who she told. Her husband doesn't know, her mother, her 2 sisters, her other 2 (teenage) children; no-one.

I never told anyone, not even my husband. As I said, it was not my secret; it was hers.

What's more, my husband knows her, and her husband, not really well, but he knows them, and he sees her brother at the pub some weeks. So I wouldn't want the risk of him dropping it out to them.

I love him but he has a big gob sometimes. I peeped into our daughter's facebook once, as she was having issues with a girl at school, and I said 'you cannot tell her!' (She kept herself logged in, so I was able to have a peep to see what was going on.)

And what does he go and do? He mentions I looked in her facebook. She went absolutely ballistic (understandably...) and changed the password, and never kept herself logged in again. When I said 'what the fuck did you tell her for? I told you not to!' He said 'I forgot you told me to say nothing didn't I?!'

Forgot my fucking arse!

He has done similar things on 3 or 4 occasions too, blabbed when I told him not to. One time several years ago, I got so drunk I was sick (not proud of that, but I only had 4 glasses of wine.) And I said 'don't you DARE tell anyone, particularity the kids!'

You can probably guess what happened!

'Your mum is a right old lush! You shoulda seen her sprawled out over the pub table, and then vomiting all over the bathroom!' he said whilst laughing his head off.

Sometimes I think about doing something similar to him, but I'm not a cunt.

Well he ain't a cunt really, he just behaves like one now and again!!!

I am not assuming anything, someone asked if I thought it was "ok". If you don't want or need to talk, don't.

Writing a book is not a great example, was replying to someone. My all point about talking with my husband is that it's not gossiping, it's not the public domain, it remains confidential and no private info are shared with anyone but him. No one around me seem shocked about the concept, it seems fairly natural.

PapaFran and noeffing I don't disagree that the example I gave doesn't fit the thread in general. My point was just that "lying by omission" does exist as a phenomenon.

Thinking about it further, it could, in some cases, come up when someone confides in A something that has a direct relevance to B, that some would even argue B has a right to know, and A then doesn't pass it on. That is, after all, the nature of some disclosures. E.g. "What did you guys chat about today?" "Oh, er, we chatted about the weather. Also your GF told me she's cheating on you."

Btw, I am not attempting to open up a whole new can of worms here about whether A should tell B about the cheating GF. It's just an example.

photograph it is the public domain if your husband is not legally entitled to the infomation. (I'm talking about a professional sutuation here). Legal would mean that the client has been made aware, signed a waiver to share information with relevant agencies, etc. Just being your husband doesn't give him a legal right.

noeffingidea

It is an entire issue entirely, but if every professional was keeping their mouth as shut as they should, I wouldn't even be able to do my job . The difference being that everybody is aware it's not strictly legit, but things work better. It could be something as innocent as HR advising managers on somebody's private issues, to explain a behaviour or problems. On the whole, and again it's a completely different issue, most people are just gossips to be fair.

Well, I don't know what your job is. I'm only going on my previous job of nursing where patient confidentiality was drilled into us.
I disagree that most people are gossips. It probably just seems like it to you, seeing as you seem to gossip yourself. Other people manage to have conversations that don't involve other people's private confidential business.

Lying by omission assumes that the person for whom information is omitted has some kind of reasonable interest in knowing that information i.e. it is relevant to them or their life.

You are not lying by omission by not mentioning that your mate hasn't shagged her husband for eight months because he's started drinking through the night.

It sounds so incredibly childish to have to remember not to ever mention that Tom or Tim have health problems, work problems, marital problems
It's not about keeping track of what are 'secrets', it's about having a sensitive understanding at any one time about what might constitute private information.

I don't have to remember to not tell my husband about my mate's alcoholic husband. I just know that any time I remember this fact, I don't reveal it.

So at what point does 'gossip' change into 'non-gossip'? At the altar/registry office? Are we immoral unmarried mothers allowed into this club or if we tell our partners is it still gossip? Or do you have to have different and special calibre of marriage and how do you define that?

I'm quite serious. You keep implying a special and sanctified relationship which somehow purges gossip. What constructs/defines that?

On a slightly different note. Those that do tell, would you be ok with your friend knowing you'd told your spouse?

Because now I'm a little concerned that I should tell Ellie that Sarah told her Bf. Ellie is definitely in the "don't tell" camp (I kind of broached the conversation earlier today with her)

I agree with Photograph I'd tell DH about every one of those 'happy' secrets, plus any others tbh.
It works both ways, if he told me any of those things about friends of his I wouldn't repeat them

Well I wouldn't tell a partner.
But in your position now Warwick I'd tell Ellie that Sarah's boyfriend knows. Sarah obviously doesn't keep her friends secrets, so I'd take that to mean you owe no loyalty to her.
On a side note, at least both you and Ellie will know not to trust Sarah with anything, you're not happy with her boyfriend knowing.
I also wouldn't be telling Sarah anything, I wasn't happy with her boyfriend knowing from now on. I wonder if she'll feel differently, when she realises that the two oh you will no longer trust her with certain things!