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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why people think they can ask pregnant people this?

57 replies

FrenchFrys · 05/04/2017 16:02

I was doing my shopping today somewhere that I used to work when I was a student (many moons ago). A lady I used to work with came up to me and said that I looked much bigger than last time she saw me (I'm 37 weeks pregnant, last time she saw me I was probably about 30 weeks pregnant). I laughed this off and tried to carry on doing what I was doing. Then she asked "was it unplanned?" It was but none of her business Blush and finally she said "I bet your mum wasn't very happy!" I told her my mum was thrilled (she is) and then she wondered off.
I'm feeling a bit miffed as well as tired and hormonal and I just think this is such a rude thing to say? Or to assume my mum wouldn't be happy. I'm close to 30, own my own house and car, have a professional job, am engaged and live with OH who also has a professional job and owns his own car. Not that any of this makes us more or less worthy to be parents I'm just trying to say we are capable and are supporting ourselves!

OP posts:
STFU · 05/04/2017 16:05

are you married?

how long were you with your partner before getting pregnant?

RaeSkywalker · 05/04/2017 16:06

Is it because you're engaged, not married?

Seriously though, it is horrendously rude. My HV asked me if DS was planned, for no apparent reason!

Original poster
FrenchFrys · 05/04/2017 16:10

Sorry I meant to say I have been with OP for five years! We aren't married though.

OP posts:
LadyHenriettaSlavingtonWold · 05/04/2017 16:10

Really people should mind their own business. I would have said "Why do you want to know?" Or "What a strange question!"
That can help stop nosey people.

Goldenhandshake · 05/04/2017 16:11

Pregnancy does seem to remove other people's politeness filters. YANBU, I ahve never asked whether someone's pregnancy has been planned unless they are upset and wanting to talk about it.

FWIW I had the same experiences as you, I was 23, engaged, good job and just bought our first home. Didn't help that I looked quite a bit younger than 23, but honestly some people were downright vile about it, including my own father.

Mysterycat23 · 05/04/2017 16:12

Pregnant ladies are public property didn't you know? Grin

Unfortunately you will get used to the rudeness, once baby arrives everyone and their dog will be telling you what to do...

Original poster
FrenchFrys · 05/04/2017 16:12

Golden I too look a fair bit younger than I am. However the lady in question worked with my when I was fresh out of high school so is aware of my age!

OP posts:
UserSchmooser · 05/04/2017 16:13

It seems you're in a good position the OP but I do think that a lot of people become parents / get pregnant without thinking of the long-term consequences.

For DH and I it was the least romantic and most carefully planned thing we've ever done.

Heirhelp · 05/04/2017 16:14

Raesky midwife and HV ask this as part of a risk assessment to see may need more support.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 05/04/2017 16:15

Nope she was just plain rude.

inspiredbutohsotired · 05/04/2017 16:15

I'm only 21 and sick of the question 'was it planned?' Or worse 'I take it the baby was unplanned' from people that know my age. I'm just finishing my degree this month (luckily) and 23 weeks, of course the baby wasn't planned but she is happening and I couldn't be more ecstatic, same with my partner! It's annoying, rude and presumptuous and I HATE that what they're assuming is that I don't care about my baby as much because she was unplanned! X

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 05/04/2017 16:15

Congratulations btw! SmileFlowers

robinofsherwood · 05/04/2017 16:15

Has she just lost track of time - in her head you're a student and therefore a pregnancy might be awkward.

SparkleSunshine201 · 05/04/2017 16:16

She probably assumed it was unplanned because you are engaged, not married, and wanted it confirmed. I wouldn't dream of asking such a thing and think it is rude, but on the other hand people will be assuming the baby is unplanned (as most people who are engaged get married before a baby -- if you weren't planning on getting married you wouldn't be engaged!)

emmaluggs · 05/04/2017 16:17

I broke my pregnancy news to work today 2 people have asked me if it was planned, it very much was but was still taken aback!

Justanothernameonthepage · 05/04/2017 16:20

I always wish I could reply with 'are you meaning to ask about my sex life and contraceptive methods for a reason or just being nosey?'

Justanothernameonthepage · 05/04/2017 16:21

And I'm mid 30s, have been married for 7 years and already have a DS - still people ask

DryIce · 05/04/2017 16:23

I'm in my 30s and been married 10 years, still I think 'was it planned?' is one of the not common questions I've been asked

Batteriesallgone · 05/04/2017 16:26

HCPs ask if children were planned because unplanned pregnancies are higher risk for pre and post natal depression. As far as I'm aware they should ask everyone as part of the standard questions.

Other people asking is just plain rude. I have had it in both previous pregnancies, and again now. For all of them I've been married to same DH, we own our home, financially secure etc etc. I think people say it just to make conversation?!

Gets worse the more you have. People are now asking me (3rd) 'but you're are done now, aren't you?' Really intensely, as if the very fabric of society will crumble if I have any more. Also people say 'but you already have one of each, why have more?' Which is odd. For some reason this doesn't bother me as much but I know it really upsets some people.

People are dicks.

Slackdad01 · 05/04/2017 16:28

It doesn't matter what the circumstances of your pregnancy are, if you didn't counter the topic as conversation fodder then no one has the right to ask such a ride question. My OH started to compile a list of the rude gibberish people would ask when she was carrying and some of the stuff people come out with is astonishing. Maybe they're awkward a bit what to talk about, but most of the time it's a case of "think. Express you speak please"

Smurfy23 · 05/04/2017 16:30

Im 32, married, recently moved from a flat to a big house and have also been asked if it was planned.

I thought it was fairly obvious we were moving in that direction when we bought the house (why bloody else would we want 3 rooms?! 1 each and 1 for the dog?!) But clearly I was wrong!

TheLegendOfBeans · 05/04/2017 16:31

It just staggers me how others' common decency can go out the window when addressing a pregnant lady.

Examples:
Was it planned?
How many have you got in there?
Obviously since you're telling folk you'll be keeping it then - right?
Who's is it?

Context:
My marriage collapsed in Oct 14
Met my now DH in Mar 15
Pg in June 15
Announced pg in Oct 15

Most comments above from work colleagues, male and female 😐

TomaytoTomahto · 05/04/2017 16:31

Nothing more delightful than unsolicited advice/questions/opinions!

Crunchyside · 05/04/2017 16:31

During my first pregnancy I was 23 and a lot of people, on hearing I'm pregnant, were not sure whether a 'congratulations' was in order or not, I could tell from their reactions. Especially work colleagues. Even though they didn't always ask me I felt compelled to explain that it was definitely planned. I hated the feeling that people would be assuming we were just irresponsible/crap at using contraception.

HerOtherHalf · 05/04/2017 16:32

Should have asked her if she was planned. That might have shut her up.