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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why people think they can ask pregnant people this?

57 replies

FrenchFrys · 05/04/2017 16:02

I was doing my shopping today somewhere that I used to work when I was a student (many moons ago). A lady I used to work with came up to me and said that I looked much bigger than last time she saw me (I'm 37 weeks pregnant, last time she saw me I was probably about 30 weeks pregnant). I laughed this off and tried to carry on doing what I was doing. Then she asked "was it unplanned?" It was but none of her business Blush and finally she said "I bet your mum wasn't very happy!" I told her my mum was thrilled (she is) and then she wondered off.
I'm feeling a bit miffed as well as tired and hormonal and I just think this is such a rude thing to say? Or to assume my mum wouldn't be happy. I'm close to 30, own my own house and car, have a professional job, am engaged and live with OH who also has a professional job and owns his own car. Not that any of this makes us more or less worthy to be parents I'm just trying to say we are capable and are supporting ourselves!

OP posts:
Merryhobnobs · 05/04/2017 16:34

I was asked by work colleages as well. Very intrusive question! I am going back to work in 3 weeks after maternity leave and will be 13/14 weeks pregnant. I am really dreading the questions already! First time was this time isn't but the only people who should know that is myself and my partner it is no one else's business! (Aside from midwife I know she has to ask!)

TheLegendOfBeans · 05/04/2017 16:34

Should have asked her if she was planned. That might have shut her up.

LOL OtherHalf 😂

mowgeli · 05/04/2017 16:36

Yes it's fucking rude and people also imply you're missing out on life experiences if you are young and have a baby or young and married. I got slagged off by a woman on here who said she expected people my age to be backpacking and dating not married with a baby and a house.
Why is it people's business to comment on your life choices. Planned or unplanned it's plain old rude.
Next time you should look at the person and ask them if they are aware that this is a personal and rude question. Ask them if they intended to offend you and walk of (if you find the courage)

Sorry she asked you that. Put your feet up tonight in your (own) home and watch TV with your partner and have a good old relax. You are well able to be a mother and it has no relevance whether or not the baby was planned.

Cheeky bitch

Onlyaplasticbagdear · 05/04/2017 16:36

Pregnant people?? Do you mean pregnant women?

pickledparsnip · 05/04/2017 16:39

I had that all the time when I was pregnant at 25, not married. So fucking rude!

pickledparsnip · 05/04/2017 16:41

I can't imagine asking a stranger anything so personal, ever. I could never understand why I was asked, but I guess it was because I was young and unmarried (never realised it could be that that til I read the thread!)

mowgeli · 05/04/2017 16:41

I think it's a jealousy thing too for example I have my own house it's big and also nice and by the sea, we have a lovely car, we go on holiday, we are married we are in love and we are friends I was 23 when I was pregnant.. so it must not have been planned surely nobody is perfect or living such a nice life.

This is what I get all the time!! My boss asked me if I was planning the pregnancy which I was and it was cheeky and uncomfortable.

seafoodeatit · 05/04/2017 17:00

This question is up with there with rude questions from friends and strangers! Add to the list also 'are you happy?', What is it that they want to hear?

mowgeli · 05/04/2017 17:01

I think we need to ask where their manners went..

thepatchworkcat · 05/04/2017 17:04

Had this too from a couple of work colleagues, "oh I guess it wasn't planned then?!" I was 32, a home owner, in a relationship for 6 years and yes it was planned but how rude?!?? Makes me cross. Just because we weren't married first.

thepatchworkcat · 05/04/2017 17:05

See also: were you trying long then? No - I'm not going to tell you how many times we had sex thanks.

SecretNetter · 05/04/2017 17:06

Was it planned is probably the most common question I've been asked this time around.

It's not like I'm 14 and living at home Hmm. I'm 30, married, already have two dc, Dh and I own a house and have good jobs etc.

I find it bizarre...I wonder if it's because this is number 3...is 2 dc more of the norm now and 3 is a bit 'out there'?

WhatWouldDarylDixonDo · 05/04/2017 17:16

My boss asked me if DH was happy when I told her I was pregnant.

Ummm? Why wouldn't he be?

Bloody rude question I thought. Almost implying I had tricked my DH of 3 years into it. We spent 6 months TTC (which is a drop in the ocean to many others I know) and he was just as hopeful as each month came around to see if I would miss my period.

OhhBetty · 05/04/2017 17:20

I get asked loads if I'm married as I have a son. I just look at them and say "no thank god, would have been harder to kick ex out after he cheated on me numerous times"

Corneliusmurphy · 05/04/2017 17:30

You can't be pregnant, you're not married?! Shock
^and that was from a friend...
even worse when I fell for twins though, so many questions about ivf or conceiving naturally. I just cannot imagine the thought process where it's ok to ask these questions? Etiquette/manners seem to go out of the window with pregnancy.

Littlecaf · 05/04/2017 17:39

I got asked "when are you getting married?" by people at work. Also "are you coming back to work then?"

And

"You'll be married by the time you come back".

Grrrrr

ohfourfoxache · 05/04/2017 17:57

My manager's manager asked me if it was an IVF pregnancy when I was expecting DS.

No. Mercifully it wasn't Hmm

Bebopaloula · 05/04/2017 19:18

How bloody rude! Why do people think that the second you become pregnant they have the right to shit their personal opinions and questions all over u?

DarkAngel1984 · 05/04/2017 19:22

YANBU but the whole your mum being disappointed thing could be as she remembers you as that young girl that used to work with her not the woman you are now.

SoTheySentMeA · 05/04/2017 19:28

Had DS at 28, unmarried, been with DP 7 years. Got asked this repeatedly. We don't plan to get married but some people cannot get their heads around the idea that a committed couple can choose not to, and have a child it that circumstance. DS was planned, but since we aren't married and don't plan to be, lots of people assumed he wasn't.

Funnyfarmer · 05/04/2017 19:41

@Has she just lost track of time - in her head you're a student and therefore a pregnancy might be awkward.
This. I know people who are now in the mid/late 20's, but haven't really associated with them since they was in there late teens. Obviously I've not aged at all! So I forget that they have. Everyone who is younger than I am are 12 in my eyes.
You'll get used to the inappropriate questions. Next it'll be "so how are your nipples"? , "are you still bleeding"? How does sex feel now"? Do you feel looser"?
And the famous "when are you having another "?

ButterflyFree · 05/04/2017 19:44

All sense of decency seems to go out the window when people are dealing with pregnant women. At exactly the time we are feeling more emotional and sensitive than usual, too!

I'm 26, married, and 23 weeks pregnant with our first baby, but I keep getting "that was quick" comments (DH and I got married last year), and I even had a response of "well don't tell anyone yet, and when the baby's born you can say it arrived early" when sharing the news with a very close friend...?! I got pregnant a month after getting married - not that it's even relevant!

RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli · 05/04/2017 19:59

She probably assumed it was unplanned because you are engaged, not married, and wanted it confirmed. I wouldn't dream of asking such a thing and think it is rude, but on the other hand people will be assuming the baby is unplanned (as most people who are engaged get married before a baby -- if you weren't planning on getting married you wouldn't be engaged!)

In my experience, it's the first question most people ask, whether you are married or not, or even if you aren't engaged. DP and I had been together 13 years before DD came along. and most people assumed she wasn't planned, precisely because we'd been together so long they assumed we weren't planning on children.

MermaidsTears · 05/04/2017 21:22

Its gets worse. I'm on the third now and people say all sorts of rude shit

honeyharris · 05/04/2017 22:39

Once pregnancy or fertility are on the agenda it seems that social norms go out of the window and people think they can say all kinds of shit!