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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think headmistress is living in la la land?

442 replies

Maxandrubyrubyandmax · 04/04/2017 17:39

Get out of a 30 min meeting at work 5missed calls on mobile and my secretary comes rushing over at same time land line calls. Headmistress from ds school. DS has run into post and banged his nose. Can I get there immediately. Apparently DS is fine but we have to pick him up. Explain I will be about 45 min as need to pack up and get train and walk to school. DH about an hour away. Quizzed about couldn't a grandparent pick up
DS (no the nearest is 2 hours away). Didn't we have friends? Yes but it's not 1955 so they all work? Other relatives? No they live miles away and yes they work. Set off to school. Head mistress rings DH goes through same questions. As no one has moved house in last 5min gets same answer. Get to school. DS sat chatting to school secretary happy as you like. Head mistress goes through same questions nope still no one hAs moved or given up job in last 45 min. But there must be someone says the head. Well no actually there isn't. But she wants someone who can be at school in 5 min. Start to get pissed off. No one I tell her. She then shakes her head and says I guess that's how it is these days then. Aibu to be pissed off and felt judged about the fact I have moved away from the family home, got a job and don't just drop off child and sit at home all day? If it had been urgent I would have jumped in a taxi

OP posts:
RuggerHug · 04/04/2017 20:02

plomino being nosey, I'm going to need some context as to what fight was happening! (Boxing ref, police, street fighter coach....).
Also when I was in school(20 odd years ago) my head got smashed into a glass jar. Blood, glass, matted hair, panic. DM was told she could come collect me if she wanted but I was probably fine as I remembered and dialled the house phone number by myself. And had been given chocolateGrin

contrary13 · 04/04/2017 20:06

Don't - you'd be surprised. A lot of places don't want the hassle of potential deaths on site. My child's former school... seemingly one of them. The death a year later? Again, they refused to call an ambulance. Again, heart related issues which hadn't been diagnosed until that point of virtual no return. Again, lack of insurance to cover these things.

Which, yes, you'd think schools would have.

I certainly did when I signed the contract for my daughter to attend.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 04/04/2017 20:09

Yes all those at private schools with qualified nurses on standby are very much sitting pretty. They can ask a qualified professional with 3 or 4 years full time training, to look after any ill children while their parents come along to collect them without any urgency.

Sadly state schools can't afford a nurse. Their first aider will be a member of admin staff, probably managing an office as well as tending to a sick child, hoping beyond hope that their 3 hour first aid course has given them the training they need to manage this responsibility on top of their job.

Yes they're damn glad when parents turn up to take over.

Starlight2345 · 04/04/2017 20:15

Sadly the DWP takes a dim view of single parents saying "Oh no I can't take that job, I need to be within 10 minutes of school in case my child vomits."

When I was unemployed as a LP it was something like an hour or 90 minutes away I can't remember.

I am a Chidminder. I don't take children who are sent home sick as they are either contagious and I have to think about those already in my care or injured which again requires the parents to deal. So I am not a stand by for anyone else.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 04/04/2017 20:15

They may well be glad, but equally, parents (including the surgeons and train drivers mentioned) have to work.

listsandbudgets · 04/04/2017 20:20

I accept that some schools may struggle to employ school nurses but the role certainly still exists in state schools. In fact it has just taken me less than one minute to find a full time school nurse vacancy being advertised at a secondary school in Birmingham so I would imagine that other state schools have them.

here's the link in case any nurses are after a new job

mashpot · 04/04/2017 20:24

Ridiculous! Should none of us ever go more than 5 minutes from our children! It takes me a little over an hour to get home, would probably take longer in a taxi than on the tube/train. I can't magic myself back any quicker whether it's a serious emergency or not.

honeylulu · 04/04/2017 20:25

This has been the story of my post-parenthood life, especially as my eldest has always been rather accident prone! And yes the school always called me first even though my commute to London takes an hour and a half including the walk to / from the station. My husband works half an hour away but they never call him first!!!
I also get calls to say my son has forgotten his PE kit and can i "just pop round" with it!?!

RB68 · 04/04/2017 20:27

Nurses tend to be secondary school.

The answer is if they don't need an ambulance then up to an hour should be acceptable - if working you often can't drop and run unless child is already on way to hospital.

She was being unreasonable.

sopsmum · 04/04/2017 20:27

Actually a sahp could easily be 45m away from school on a given day, or in a gym class with phone in locker.

Your problem, I suspect is that neither you or your husband were contactable for 30 minutes. Your secretary should have got a message to you in your meeting or given the school a clear expectation as to when you would call back.

I don't have any close by family. My secretary would have passed me a note in my meeting. If your son was sat in the office for an hour and a half and not allowed back to class he obviously wasn't fine and you really do need to come up with a contingency. My 6 year old recently fell very badly in the playground. I received a phone call to say he had hurt himself, not to be shocked by the massive injury to his face but he seemed ok and they were going to keep him in class but please could I be on standby in case he worsened. As it was he was fine and now proud of his scar.

Don't mean to be harsh but if they had been trying to get hold of you for a while I can understand why the head was tetchy at your seeming lack of urgency. I get it, I have a highly pressured job where it is often impossible to get home for bedtime but the fact is school is school not childcare and you need to be able to make yourself or someone available if your child needs you.

HelenaDove · 04/04/2017 20:30

So why didnt they call her DH after the first couple of times OP couldnt pick up.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 04/04/2017 20:31

In 2015 there were 1186 school nurses.

With huge budget cuts this is bound to have dropped.

In January 2017 there were 23,529 schools.

If the number of nurses has stayed the same (unlikely) then 95% of schools don't have one.

I think they definitely should. But it won't happen.

www.sec-ed.co.uk/news/there-are-just-1-186-fully-qualified-school-nurses-caring-for-8-4-million-pupils/

www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/552342/SFR20_2016_Main_Text.pdf

honeylulu · 04/04/2017 20:32

fact is school is school not childcare and you need to be able to make yourself or someone available if your child needs you.
Well, sorry as I know teachers hate this being said but for working parents school IS childcare (as well as education). If school wasn't available then we'd have other childcare like we did when they went to nursery. However, as school is compulsory it's not something that can be opted out of in favour of other forms of childcare.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 04/04/2017 20:33

It's not that schools struggle to employ a nurse, it's the fact they have no money to afford one!

HelenaDove · 04/04/2017 20:34

In which case schools should understand more about why parents need to work.

harleysmammy · 04/04/2017 20:36

My god head teachers sound like they've got worse since I was in school and that's saying something. Yanbu, I'd have told where she could stick her judgement. No doubt she would have judged you if you wasn't working and stayed at home all day

scottishdiem · 04/04/2017 20:36

My dad worked away growing up and my school was at least two hours from my mums work. In theory, an uncle or uncle might have been available but thats about it and I am sure they were out during the day most of the time anyway. And this was in the days before mobiles. No clue what this headteacher would have done in those circumstances.

opinionatedfreak · 04/04/2017 20:36

My friends must be lucky then their school almost always calls the DH as he does school drop off and works locally. DW works miles away and has the kind of job where you can't just up sticks and leave (similar to the surgeon analogy up the thread) when on a clinical day. However on an admin day she has a lot of flexibility. I do the same job and am based very close to the school.

School were however nonplussed when I Collected their DD one day after a Playground bump. Money and called the DH (who was abroad) who had said he would ask me, rung me and then called the school back to say I was on my way. I've been a nominated "collector" since their 10yo entered reception and usually pickup about once a month and often attend school plays/concerts etc in my honorary aunt role.

However I Very much got the impression that the felt I Wasn't adequate in this situation despite the DH being abroad and DW at work miles away (and couldn't leave anyway withiut a whole lot of pain for her colleagues) meanwhile I was on an admin day locally and got there in 20mins....

The child wasn't bothered hugely. They would probably have preferred their Mum but I'm a familiar safe adult and we had a nice day doing a marathon Toy Story session.

opinionatedfreak · 04/04/2017 20:37

Sorry for that barely literate post. I'm blaming my tablet.

EggysMom · 04/04/2017 20:39

The last time our son's school telephoned me to ask for a mid-day pickup (he probably sneezed, they're a bit trigger happy as it's an SEN school) it took me over an hour to get there. I was only ten minutes away, but I was sat in a GP surgery waiting for my own appointment time which was running late - I wasn't going to give up that appointment and wait another three weeks for the next. If he's that sick / injured, school should call an ambulance to take him to A&E. If he's not that sick / injured, they should administer first aid and accept that some of us parents actually do try to hold down jobs*.

*That's another annoyance of the SEN environment. All the support meetings, advice & information sessions, stay-and-plays ... all during the day. I already take unpaid leave to take our son to his medical appointments. Some of these meetings and sessions might be useful but I simply cannot take that much time off.

RockyBird · 04/04/2017 20:41

DH tells me the story of being 5/6 and throwing up at school. He was sent home on his own. His mum worked so he knocked on an elderly neighbour's door. The old lady looked after him until his mum came home.

DH told me the lady had gone to uni and studied Engineering. Other than WW2 she couldn't put her education to good use as she was female Sad

thisisillyria · 04/04/2017 20:42

I've read this with interest, as I've always wondered how people manage. When DD1 started nursery, I visited the school in the village to have a look around and register her. The head asked us to provide emergency contact numbers in case DH or I could not be contacted, and was completely taken aback when I told her that we had moved to the village a week previously, having lived in the area for three months. Most of the parents of children in that school had been born locally, and had extended family living nearby. Our nearest family were an hour away by car, and both working. We didn't know anyone in the area at that point. DH was a primary school teacher, and so would only ever have been able to attend if it was a life/death situation. It's one reason (among many) why I was a SAHM for so many years, but as previous people have mentioned, I didn't spend all my time sitting at home waiting for the school to contact me!
I don't really know what the solution is. It does cause problems for the school when a child really needs to be sent home and no one can get there quickly, but it's definitely a common issue nowadays.

PNGirl · 04/04/2017 20:44

YANBU OP. When we have a small person at school DH is likely to be 1hr away and I'll be 25 minutes in good traffic. Our parents and DH's sister are 4hrs away in different directions and I'm an only child. All our friends work, as do our neighbours. School will have to wait.

HelenaDove · 04/04/2017 20:44

Rocky it makes me sick how women were used then discarded in that way during WW2

WobblyLegs5 · 04/04/2017 20:55

School is not compulsory honey. Education is but you can opt to home ed in any form you like, including using cm for the hrs you work & doing more formal educating around this or using a nanny. You can provide tutors in the hours you work or leave set work for the nanny to over see or go for unschooled type route if you prefer. School isn't compulsory. It's bloody difficult to deal with life without it though, having been forced to give up my career due to children's disabilities requiring home education and alot of meetings it's really fucking difficult. I can't imagine being far away from them when they (hopefully) do get a school placement, a bump like the op described maybe minor but would cause huge melt downs for my dc. But op is not being ur about hm attitude.