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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MiL has been here 60mins...

279 replies

whatatod0 · 04/04/2017 15:27

Oh god. parents-in-law have been here 1 hour into a 7 day visit. They are already annoying me.
MIL likes to help/take over my kitchen and she doesn't listen when I tell her to go and sit down (nicely). If I give her a job to do she just gets in my way and takes forever to do it.
I want to run away for the week.

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 04/04/2017 17:18

If I give her a job to do she just gets in my way and takes forever to do it. you're giving her the wrong jobs! Give her jobs that don't affect your cooking timeline. Polishing glasses while sitting down at the table out of your way is a good suggestion when people offer "help" that isn't helpful.

Napkins is also good. something to do with napkins. folding them, adding them to a pile of side plates etc

QueenOlivine · 04/04/2017 17:24

I hate it when people are desperate to "help" take over and will not take no for an answer and then do the "helpful" things slowly and badly! Aaaarrggh! My sister is like this – has to "help", gets offended if you won't let her, but is terrible at it, needs endless handholding and makes everything much harder (a bit like a 4-year-old, except you let them do it because they are learning).

Combine that with wittering on about stuff you have no interest in and it's a recipe for insanity within days or even hours.

It's not that people have it in for MILs - it's that many MILs (NOT ALL MILS) want to interfere or take over or feel important. They don't have to be like that. And often they aren't like that to their own sons.

To be actually helpful means simply asking what you can do to help and listening to the answer. And not "helping" with things you cannot do properly.

I also think it's disastrous if you have house guests for days on end and you're expected to be on call to entertain and listen to them non-stop. It's just exhausting. You have to be able to take time to do something else and so should they.

DesertSky · 04/04/2017 17:27

Mine stayed for 17 days last Summer! (Not seen them in over 4 years as they live abroad though!) Lots of days out! We just kept so busy and I was armed with an itinary of things to do it went pretty quickly. Luckily the nice weather helped as we spent most of it outdoors! Thankfully, it was a nice experience.

childoverdraft · 04/04/2017 17:31

Good luck for the next 7 days. IMO I married my DH not his DM so its not a given that I'm gonna love her.

The thing about MILs is that you are stuck with them whether you like it or not. If a friend was like this you wouldn't invite them to stay for 7 days and indeed they might not even be your friend.

I'm sure there are lots of people who love their MILs more than their own DMs and there are probably plenty of people who wouldn't have their own mum to stay for 7 days. But hey ho - its part of family life and at least you can escape to MN when the going gets tough ....

GreenShadow · 04/04/2017 17:31

60 minutes! Could be worse.
We've BiL living with us for 3 months now! Uninvited.

Long back story but he has no where else to go so we realistically have no choice.
He helps out a lot but as others have said, you have your own way of doing things and I'd be quite happy to do these things myself.

HeeHighls · 04/04/2017 17:38

What do you mums/not mums want from your mum or MiL?

I've been accused of only wanting contact with my daughter when she needs me.
That's transport to and from wherever and whenever. She travels a lot and doesn't drive.

I stay out of her life, until needed. I thought that was the right thing to do. Apparently not, and I'm not "maternal" enough.
Please daughters, tell us you how you want us mums or mils to be?

TinselTwins · 04/04/2017 17:41

What do you mums/not mums want from your mum or MiL?

I'm sure I drive MIL mental when I "help" in her kitchen too!

I don't "want" anything (more) from her, I love her, that doesn't mean I can't be baffled with her "methods" in the kitchen!

SquedgieBeckenheim · 04/04/2017 17:42

Are you me? You are describing my MIL to a t!
We are also enduring enjoying a visit from MIL and FIL. MIL helps too much and talks too much. There's the added bonus this time of derogatory remarks about me BF DD2. Never noticed this when BF DD1.
Flowers and Wine hope you get through the visit without committing murder!

Chippednailvarnishing · 04/04/2017 17:46

What do you mums/not mums want from your mum or MiL?

Judgement.
If I wanted a critical appraisal of my life, my home, my DC's, my career choices and my finances I would have asked for one.

Satsunday · 04/04/2017 17:58

You have my sympathy. Mine talks non stop too. In a loud voice. And often only about the weather. When she's not sat on the sofa she sometimes follows me round the house talking at me. She also wants to move into the house behind ours (and would only know us here).

Original poster
whatatod0 · 04/04/2017 18:04

OMG! I've just come back to this and there are so many comments!!!
MIL doesn't listen either, and just makes things up that she THINKS she'd heard. i.e. According to her, I don't like cheese, was almost a professional diver - as in Tom Daly type diving, and I don't really work.
It's comical really. If I go round to a friends house for a coffee, she asks if she can come too.

What would I want a MIL to do? - come and visit, sit and chat to me in the kitchen whilst I cook, (and listen to my answers), tidy up her own mess, do what I ask if dd has a melt down (i.e. leave dd alone and don't keep talking to her - basic ASD method), not be a pessimist, Spend time with the dc, be independent and not follow me around constantly. Stop talking to people once they have left the room.

OP posts:
Satsunday · 04/04/2017 18:11

and listen to my answers yes this. My mil can have whole conversations without hearing anything I've said. "It's clouding over isn't it?" Me "looks like it's clearing now". Mil "yes it's really cloudy I will need my raincoat".

Satsunday · 04/04/2017 18:22

whatatod bet I can beat you on one area - my mil texts us all the time even whilst we are on holiday (we have asked her politely not to text when we are away but she ignores this).

To be honest I basically have nothing in common with her except my DH and she is very selfish and leans really heavily on DH for attention and support.

Fluffyears · 04/04/2017 18:29

What some people forget is you choose your partner but then their relatives are forced onto you. I would never choose to socialise with MIL.

I also see how lazy she is and takes advantage of dp. He takes her shopping, he fills the trolley and packs the shopping. He carries the shopping into the house despite a dodgy shoulder while she swans in and he has to use his key. 'Oh son can you use your key I can't find mine in my bag!' Can't be arsed looking more like. Aye very good standing juggling 6 bags of Aldi shite and trying to unlock the front door. She is standing there doing fuck all. Then she sits on her arse whilst he unpacks and puts away because she's so tired. Aye love your son has been working all week, has driven over 200 miles and would like to spend a weekend in his new house but he's not as tired as you.

She talks incessantly asking the same questions over and over and expects to be involved in decisions about our house that we paid for! I could go on....

HeeHighls · 04/04/2017 18:29

whatatod0 Tue 04-Apr-17 15:27:31

"Oh god. parents-in-law have been here 1 hour into a 7 day visit. They are already annoying me.
MIL likes to help/take over my kitchen and she doesn't listen when I tell her to go and sit down (nicely). If I give her a job to do she just gets in my way and takes forever to do it.
I want to run away for the week."

Bet you'll love their offer of a house deposit or baby sitting. So right. Yes turn down that offer of cash or baby sitting.

I'd hate you as my Dil. You sound horrible.

HeeHighls · 04/04/2017 18:32

Well that went horribly wrong. However, my message still stands.

Original poster
whatatod0 · 04/04/2017 18:32

HeeHighls - errr…what are you talking about?

OP posts:
QueenOlivine · 04/04/2017 18:48

Never had offer of babysitting from my MIL, not once. She can't be arsed. Or a house deposit - in fact she tried to cheat exP out of some money.

Am I allowed to find her annoying now?

QueenOlivine · 04/04/2017 18:50

To be fair the endless pointless wittering isn't just an MIL thing. I know several older relatives who do it (though also some who don't) as well as some younger ones. It's almost as if they know you have to put up with them so they don't bother to rein it in. My SIL can bore on for hours about people I don't know. I hope I never, never do this to anyone and if i do it to my potential future DIL I will totally understand if it pisses her off.

gingina · 04/04/2017 19:11

So if your son lived too far away for a day trip visit what would you do? Never see him?
7 days isn't long. You didn't marry his mum but you surely knew he had one and would most probably want to see her and for her to have a relationship with her grandchildren!
Surely you can make an effort for one week and find some good in the situation.

She gave birth to your DH and made him the man you fell in love with so doesn't she at least deserve a bit of credit for that?
I feel sorry for your MIL.

HeeHighls · 04/04/2017 19:12

@"whatatod0"
Not computer savvy and collected quotes, then they all spilled out at once.

Message is the same though.

Us mums or mils cannot win.

What we are useful for is looking after your kids and giving you dosh.

Pottedplants · 04/04/2017 19:30

Whoever said they'd like their MILs to stop being a pessimist has struck a chord with me. My MIL likes NOTHING better than to speak in a hushed voice about people she knows with serious illnesses. It is extremely depressing. It completely eliminates any chance of conversation, not that she wants anyone else to speak anyway.

At a family party, I was busy in the kitchen and couldn't understand why everyone kept coming in to talk to me. I found out afterwards they were all tired of hearing MIL drone on incessantly AT them.

Trulymadlymotherly · 04/04/2017 19:41

Posts like this always seem to bring out a small army of women with a chip on their shoulders about perceived transgressions of their own DDs/DsIL (whether real or imagined). Unfortunately these people seem incapable of seeing past their own circumstances to understand that the situation might be different for others.

Butterymuffin · 04/04/2017 19:46

Notice no one has yet asked where the OP's husband is and why he isn't around to talk to his mother. Plenty of comments about how OP is unreasonable, rude, etc.

Chippednailvarnishing · 04/04/2017 21:27

What we are useful for is looking after your kids and giving you dosh

I'll be sure to keep an eye out in case that ever happens.