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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH could have thought of me?

74 replies

PastaOfMuppets · 04/04/2017 04:01

I suspect I might BU but maybe I'm most upset at his reaction when I asked.

DH and I are both working from home today. He went out at lunch time to the post office. I have a killer deadline and his day is a bit more cruisy. I took my empty coffee cup to the kitchen and popped my head into his office on the way past and half-jokingly said "what food treat did you bring me?" He paused and said, "er, you can have this?" And I saw he had bought himself a big kebab while he was out.

I said, "oh, why didn't you buy me one while you were out?" He held it out (not far - it didn't reach over his keyboard) and said "here, take mine then". I said I didn't want his only one, but it would've been nice if he had thought I'd like lunch given that I don't have time to go out. He said that he wouldn't've known what kind to get me (he knows my 'order' by heart).

I went on to the kitchen and made a cheese sandwich and evidently he was still stewing over it ... he didn't know why he should have thought of me while getting his lunch, and I said it just seemed a little self-absorbed. He started getting mad and offered to go out to buy me one, and I said I had a cheese sandwich, it just would've been nice to be thought of.

After a few minutes of silence he suddenly bellowed out "look I'll throw the f*ing thing away then", and I looked up, shocked, as it sailed past me, lobbed into the rubbish bin from 30 foot away, and he stormed off again.

This is a huge mountain out of nothing, I know, but is that an overreaction? Or was IBU to have even said it would've been nice to have been thought of? Be honest, I can take it ...

OP posts:

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 04/04/2017 04:03

I think he felt bad and embarrassed.

rollonthesummer · 04/04/2017 04:04

He was being selfish!

PeachMelba78 · 04/04/2017 04:05

He was thoughtless and then probably felt guilty, his reaction was way over the top! I can imagine me going out and forgetting my wife being at home, especially if you rarely work from home together, but I would offer to share my meal with her. I hope he calms down soon.

LindyHemming · 04/04/2017 04:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishdiem · 04/04/2017 04:08

His reaction is childish to be sure.

Does he usually think of you and get you things? And therefore you highlighting his lunch of all things to complain about a little out of place?

Or is this an ongoing debate and he feels bad again for not getting you something?

DP and I have safely got to the stage of mostly getting and cooking our own things and I know that when I am cooking something I know that DP, having not mentioned it all day or even being hungry at that moment, will nevertheless want exactly what I am having when I have it.

Original poster

PastaOfMuppets · 04/04/2017 04:09

Oh, you all are lovely, thank you. I hadn't thought he felt embarrassed or guilty, because he seemed so defensive and angry.

PeachMelba yes I usually do work at work, and my study is at the back of the house, so he might have forgotten I was home, although I'd helped him fill out the stuff he was going to post, looked for an envelope, and said goodbye at the door. Oh well.

OP posts:

Original poster

PastaOfMuppets · 04/04/2017 04:12

He's been a bit stressed lately. To be fair, we both have. He's been snippy lately. One of the things he said before throwing the kebab in the bin was "just like living with a child".

Normally, I'm the one to bring him treats. He often forgets about me while he's out getting stuff for himself. I might be sensitive about it because I like doing stuff like that for people, and because my last (X, obviously) P would refuse to bring me home food when he went out for take away, saying I could pay for my own petrol and do it myself (X, obviously).

I don't understand throwing away a kebab out of spite. Those things are delicious. Who doesn't want a kebab? Rhetorical question ... no one doesn't want a kebab.

OP posts:

PeachMelba78 · 04/04/2017 04:17

I also don't understand throwing food away like that! My stomach is traumatised at the thought!
It sounds like he forgot you were at home, which is totally the sort of thing I would do, but the petulant child act was totally unnecessary.

Shockers · 04/04/2017 04:20

He could've halved it...

Softkitty2 · 04/04/2017 04:26

He is selfish. How woukd he feel if it was reverse.. Maybe you shouldn't bring him treats anymore

Katedotness1963 · 04/04/2017 04:47

I think he was embarrassed because he realised he had been selfish. Rather than throw it out, couldn't you have split it? Kebabs in our local shop are huge, we always get one to share.

Original poster

PastaOfMuppets · 04/04/2017 04:48

He came to tell me he was going out again to get a coffee, and asked if I'd like anything this time. I said no thanks, but thanks for asking.
I asked why he was avoiding eye contact, that he looked like he was upset or angry with me. He said he is both upset and angry with me. I asked what was the real problem and he says he's just frustrated in general that I make a big deal about little things and he can't do things just for himself. Now I feel terrible because I didn't think it needed to be a big deal?

OP posts:

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 04/04/2017 04:53

Don't feel bad. He's turning this on you when he is the one being selfish.

he says he's just frustrated in general that I make a big deal about little things and he can't do things just for himself.

Doing things just for himself?!? Are you a partnership or what? Also, it's a kebab. Does it need to be a solo thing?

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 04/04/2017 04:57

Just like living with a child? Yes, you having to live with him. Children don't think about others automatically. That's why we help them as parents. But this is your dh not a child, so why is he behaving like one? At the moment the number of threads on this site about selfish men is making me so sad!

Cheby · 04/04/2017 04:59

Don't feel terrible. He was a selfish arse, he got called out on it, feels guilty about it and is still deflecting that on to you. He's right actually, it's not a big thing. What made it a big deal was the way he responded, not you. An appropriate response from him would have been 'I'm sorry, I was a bit thoughtless there, I forgot you were home, why don't we share this one?', and it would all have been fine.

TerrorAustralis · 04/04/2017 05:03

Do not spend one more second feeling bad!

He is behaving like a brat. You're the one living with a child, not him.

lazydog · 04/04/2017 05:04

You didn't make a big deal out of anything. You called him out about being a thoughtless twat and his childish response has got to be a result of guilty embarrassment because he must be able to see that what he did was extremely selfish and mean. Most people I know wouldn't go out to grab food without asking an acquaintance or colleague whether they needed something picking up, never mind not offering to get stuff for their spouse!!

MrsNuckyThompson · 04/04/2017 05:07

His reaction was bad but only because he - quite rightly - felt completely ashamed of his selfishness!!

Tootsiepops · 04/04/2017 05:16

His reaction is worrying. His behaviour was selfish, but the whole thing could have been diffused with a quick apology. He's escalating it, and that's not your fault. What's his behaviour like towards you more generally?

I'm glad your ex is history, btw. What a charmer

BusterGonad · 04/04/2017 05:27

He's a selfish git, I hate things like this as I go out of my way to think of others. You are not being unreasonable.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/04/2017 05:45

He made the effort to ask you, which was good as you say he often doesn't. However he got a kebab instead of a coffee, which was poor communication. Ideally he would have called and asked if you wanted one too. From his perspective he asked you if you wanted anything and you said no. I think he was frustrated from work and confused that you said you didn't want anything then did when he got something.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/04/2017 05:53

He was taking his anger out on you as you called him out on his egocentrism... He then compounded it by behaving in a childish way - chucking the food away....

If he wants to do stuff just for himself... Presumably he should live alone....

It's a minor task... But i think indicative of a much greater thing concerning how he thinks of other people... (who should be his priority)...

Dunno if you have kids... It's a shit example for them

Original poster

PastaOfMuppets · 04/04/2017 05:54

MummyofLittleDragon he went to the post office and came back with a kebab, then we argued and he threw the kebab out, then he told me he feels like he can't do things just for himself and that he was going out again for a coffee and did I want a coffee too. It was good that he asked me that time, but if he hadn't I reckon I would have been pretty unimpressed!

I agree with PPs that all I wanted was him to say 'oh sorry, yes, it was spur of the moment and I didn't think - want to share this one?' I told him that's all I had expected him to say, but he got angry at me for even noticing that he'd bought a kebab! I said I thought he was escalating it, and he said that I had turned it into a big deal by noticing it then saying something.

I feel like apologising because I don't want him thinking I don't want him doing things for himself, but at the same time it's such a strange little thing to have become such a big deal. I didn't want him not to get himself a kebab, just thought he could also have thought of me too! He couldn't call me because I left my phone at work, and also thought maybe that was why he didn't buy me one (perhaps he'd messaged me and got no response and thought I was too busy to want lunch) but no, that wasn't it.

Also curious to know if the kebab is still there. It actually didn't make it into the bin. I think he threw it behind the bin, into the giant pile of shopping bags. Wonder if he thinks the fairies will put it into the bin.

OP posts:

Original poster

PastaOfMuppets · 04/04/2017 05:57

DevilsAvocado yes, we have one DC, a 3 year old. He brought DC up in the conversation, implying that my unreasonableness is affecting DC and making her upset. I'd think it takes both of us to do that? I'm pretty sure there are two of us ...

OP posts:

sailorcherries · 04/04/2017 06:01

littledragon if I'm reading rightly the coffee was after the kebab. He asked this time due to the earlier issue but made it clear to OP he wasn't happy doing it and didn't feel like he should ask.

OP, yanbu! He was quite selfish and self absorbed and I cannot understand his reaction. It seems quite ridiculous to get worked up over something so small. Are there any other issues playing on his mind and this is how he outwardly shows it?

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