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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH could have thought of me?

74 replies

PastaOfMuppets · 04/04/2017 04:01

I suspect I might BU but maybe I'm most upset at his reaction when I asked.

DH and I are both working from home today. He went out at lunch time to the post office. I have a killer deadline and his day is a bit more cruisy. I took my empty coffee cup to the kitchen and popped my head into his office on the way past and half-jokingly said "what food treat did you bring me?" He paused and said, "er, you can have this?" And I saw he had bought himself a big kebab while he was out.

I said, "oh, why didn't you buy me one while you were out?" He held it out (not far - it didn't reach over his keyboard) and said "here, take mine then". I said I didn't want his only one, but it would've been nice if he had thought I'd like lunch given that I don't have time to go out. He said that he wouldn't've known what kind to get me (he knows my 'order' by heart).

I went on to the kitchen and made a cheese sandwich and evidently he was still stewing over it ... he didn't know why he should have thought of me while getting his lunch, and I said it just seemed a little self-absorbed. He started getting mad and offered to go out to buy me one, and I said I had a cheese sandwich, it just would've been nice to be thought of.

After a few minutes of silence he suddenly bellowed out "look I'll throw the f*ing thing away then", and I looked up, shocked, as it sailed past me, lobbed into the rubbish bin from 30 foot away, and he stormed off again.

This is a huge mountain out of nothing, I know, but is that an overreaction? Or was IBU to have even said it would've been nice to have been thought of? Be honest, I can take it ...

OP posts:

BusterGonad · 04/04/2017 08:43

I love a good kebab sober or drunk!

thecatsarecrazy · 04/04/2017 09:21

This is what my husband is like. We have had 2 arguments already this morning making out car journey to Bristol loads of fun.
We stopped at a garage I said I would like a bacon and egg roll. He came out and said they didn't have egg so I got u this it had a soggy hash brown in it. He knows I hate that. I said well just bacon would have done. Earlier I breastfeed my son but I asked if he could make 2oz of milk when he went downstairs so I could give him his Gaviscon (reflux) he comes up with a full bottle then argues with me that I never said that. He's always buying bacon rolls after he drops the children off at school and eats in car without asking if I want one. I find the wrapping in the car.

Katnisnevergreen · 04/04/2017 09:47

I think it was probably a bit of both in terms of who was in the wrong. If you often ask for treats then this could be irritating, and it sounds as if your reaction was very passive aggressive

However, his was also not good

5BlueHydrangea · 04/04/2017 10:18

Pleased it's all sorted. Chicken shish kebabs are great, never fancied one at lunch time but great of an evening and healthy too (if you ignore the chips..)
As an aside, I'm pleased you have a pile of bags by the bin, so do I! Should really find a better place though. But no kebabs in mine..

LadyPW · 04/04/2017 13:02

I actually think the OP provoked the tantrum - the initial question was "half-jokingly" i.e. OP expected to be brought something. And then she wouldn't let it lie and just gloss over it; she had to keep making comments to stir it. Maybe he was out, felt hungry and made a spur of the moment decision to get himself a kebab and didn't think you'd want one?! He's not exactly going to enjoy it once you've made such a fuss about it. I'd be really interested to hear his version....

ThePiglet59 · 04/04/2017 13:08

"...He could've halved it..."

But she was already being a martyr and refusing to have his or let him go out and buy one.

Original poster

PastaOfMuppets · 05/04/2017 02:08

LadyPW yes I think what you've described is exactly what happened.

Piglet I didn't think it warranted another trip out - and he likes chicken kebabs and I like lamb, so a token offering half or a bite would've been nice but not taken up. I don't mind what he does for himself ... just that if I'm out at lunch and get take away, knowing he's at home and busy, I'd bring him home something too.

In any case, it's only a kebab, and I understand why he was frustrated, and yes I can be a martyr and thought I wasn't being one but objective strangers can see what I'm too close to see myself. Thanks everyone for your honesty

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 05/04/2017 02:18

Bollocks were you 'being a martyr' OP. It's perfectly reasonable to think he would have picked something up for you as well. He knew you were on deadline. And he's your husband, not a work colleague you know casually.

kmc1111 · 05/04/2017 02:26

This would really annoy me. If I go out and DP wants something, he tells me. If he knows I'm going out and says nothing, I'll naturally assume he's got his own lunch or coffee or whatever sorted, and I'm not going to buy him something he may or may not feel like feel like because he may or may not have eaten/drunk yet. Half the time he wouldn't want what I'd bought and it would go to waste.

I wouldn't like never being able to buy myself some food and enjoy it at home unless I also bought DP the same food.

You could have just said 'Oh that looks good, would you mind running back out to get me one too'. Instead you put him on the spot by asking why he didn't get you one, refused to share and went straight off to passively aggressively make yourself a cheese sandwich. Then you called him thoughtless. Of course he couldn't enjoy his food by that point, and it is maddening when some tiny little decision like 'I'm hungry, I'll get a kebab' is questioned and gets made into such a big deal. My mother used to do this to me all the time, and eventually you start snapping.

SparkleSunshine201 · 05/04/2017 02:38

Instead of throwing his toys out of the pram, your DH is throwing his kebabs in the bin. What a big baby!

5BlueHydrangea · 05/04/2017 02:48

Not in the bin, NEXT TO. The bin!!

ThePants999 · 05/04/2017 03:01

I think your DH is a lot like me, so let me attempt to give you some insight. Whenever I want something, I get it. Whenever I'm not getting something, therefore, it's because I don't want anything. I have a tendency to assume others are the same, and therefore when I'm getting myself something, I regularly just fail to think about whether DW might need/want anything. DW is the polar opposite - she's constantly getting me things just in case I want them, or asking me if I want anything.

DW and I each wish the other were a little bit more like ourselves :-) I'd prefer not to be brought stuff I don't want, or constantly asked if I want things. She'd obviously prefer I think of her when opportunities present themselves. Obviously, that's a totally reasonable preference on her part and so when I've been a selfish twat and failed to think of her, I feel guilty. If I'm already in a bad mood, that can turn into being defensive - I think that subconsciously, I'm wishing that she'd be okay with me being selfish, because I'd be fine with her being more selfish. I am, at least, trying to think of her more

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/04/2017 03:26

I have had similar rows and it is usually for the same reason. Him feeling guilty for being selfish, especially when the person he has been selfish at (so to speak) always makes point of ringing and asking if he wants anything if she is picking up food or coffee ie. me!

And yes it usually ended up with him threatening to throw it away and yet somehow managing to find a reason not to and eating it anyway, then offering to get me something with very bad grace. So I stopped picking him coffees or food up and amazingly he started to remember that I might want food when he does....funny that!

DonaldStott · 05/04/2017 07:13

Daytime kebabs and going out to buy a coffee instead of making one. Madness. totally misses point of thread

SquinkiesRule · 05/04/2017 08:07

Don't make excuses for him as "he is stressed/busy/tired" type thing. He threw a tantrum because he felt guilty, you called him on him being self centered.
Let him feel guilty, maybe next time he's actually think of someone else.
Don't buy the you being petty about stuff is affecting the 3yo either. Him being a selfish git is affecting the whole family. projecting much

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/04/2017 09:27

I agree with you about the kebab Donald, although thats more because I thought it was against British law to eat a kebab without downing several pints of lager first! And because anyone is being massively U to eat a kebab at anytime quite frankly.

I do sometimes pop out for a coffee as there is something much nicer about a proper posh made-for-me coffee than anything I can make at home, but its a one off treat every now and then not a regular thing.

ToastyFingers · 05/04/2017 09:43

Oh god now I really want a kebab. With jalapeno and garlic mayo.

The kebab shop doesn't open till 6 here though.

DixieNormas · 05/04/2017 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/04/2017 09:59

Yeah, he was moaning about not being able to do anything for himself, but when did that start to mean that you cant do something for someone else at the same time?

Stormtreader · 05/04/2017 10:13

Sounds like he was feeling guilty and wanted you to say "oh dont worry, its fine." By not saying that, you made him feel his own guilt, which isnt a nice feeling, and then he got angry that "you made him feel bad".

ElspethFlashman · 05/04/2017 10:20

Tbh when I read the OP I thought you were being passive aggressive.

And one thing that always comes across loud and clear on MN is that being married to a PA person makes the other person crazy and they end up overreacting and then they look like the irrational one.

His comment that you were acting like a child rather points to that too. It's hard to tell of course from a one sided account but it was my immediate thought.

Not that it excused him overreacting but I would love to have been a fly on the wall.

minipie · 05/04/2017 10:33

Ah your DH sounds like mine Pasta.

Usually he is lovely and thoughtful, but when he does slip up and I point it out he Just Cannot Apologise. A simple apology and "ok, noted for the future" is all that's needed but for some reason he can't do it. He gets all defensive and has a strop.

I'm not sure why. It's very bizarre and annoying. I think perhaps it's because he's embarrassed as he knows he cocked up, and he's not very good at dealing with that? Anyway I am trying to teach him that apologising is sometimes all that's needed.... (and remembering not to do it again the next time)

Butterymuffin · 05/04/2017 10:36

at the idea that being asked if you want something ('constantly') is oppressive. How hard is it to say 'Just popping out, I really fancy a kebab, do you want anything?' and wait two seconds for a 'yes please same for me / no thanks I'm fine' reply? Only hard if you really only think about yourself.

ThePants999 · 05/04/2017 11:32

Butterymuffin - if that was aimed at me, then I'd say you're overstating how big a deal I was making it out to be, but I do stand by it.

Playing a game, headphones on. DW comes in, stands there until I pause and take the headphones off. "Do you want a drink?" There's a drink RIGHT in front of me.
Today I will be strong and resist the temptation of sugary treats! DW comes home. "I got us cake! It's use by today, though."
I'm having a nap. DW walks in, waking me up. "Do you want anything from Tesco?" (I don't.)

DW is lovely, but I assure you that having this all the time can grate a tad. Just a tad, I wasn't implying this is a serious issue

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