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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH could have thought of me?

74 replies

PastaOfMuppets · 04/04/2017 04:01

I suspect I might BU but maybe I'm most upset at his reaction when I asked.

DH and I are both working from home today. He went out at lunch time to the post office. I have a killer deadline and his day is a bit more cruisy. I took my empty coffee cup to the kitchen and popped my head into his office on the way past and half-jokingly said "what food treat did you bring me?" He paused and said, "er, you can have this?" And I saw he had bought himself a big kebab while he was out.

I said, "oh, why didn't you buy me one while you were out?" He held it out (not far - it didn't reach over his keyboard) and said "here, take mine then". I said I didn't want his only one, but it would've been nice if he had thought I'd like lunch given that I don't have time to go out. He said that he wouldn't've known what kind to get me (he knows my 'order' by heart).

I went on to the kitchen and made a cheese sandwich and evidently he was still stewing over it ... he didn't know why he should have thought of me while getting his lunch, and I said it just seemed a little self-absorbed. He started getting mad and offered to go out to buy me one, and I said I had a cheese sandwich, it just would've been nice to be thought of.

After a few minutes of silence he suddenly bellowed out "look I'll throw the f*ing thing away then", and I looked up, shocked, as it sailed past me, lobbed into the rubbish bin from 30 foot away, and he stormed off again.

This is a huge mountain out of nothing, I know, but is that an overreaction? Or was IBU to have even said it would've been nice to have been thought of? Be honest, I can take it ...

OP posts:

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 04/04/2017 06:04

OP, you seem to be accepting that his behaviour is justified. It isn't. Do not let him make you feel bad and apologise.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/04/2017 06:04

Oh in that case, definitely felt guilty. Don't apologise. Unless you say something like "I'm sorry things got heated yesterday. How can we avoid this in the future?" And steer it toward him asking you if you want something. But if he's still in a strop you'll get a defensive answer. So be prepared to look at him with the raised eyebrows and "oh dear, I can see you're not ready to talk about this".

Trb17 · 04/04/2017 06:23

I'm sorry I couldn't live with a man like this and to me is sounds as if he's unhappy underneath and this may have been a straw that broke the camels back.

It's common courtesy to ask others you are with if they want any food or drink while you are going. I'd do this for colleagues at work so obviously I'd do it for my partner too.

He was selfish and he acted like a child over it. YANBU but you may need to decide if you want this sort of man in your life going forward. Bringing your DC into it and making out you're affecting her was just ridiculous and nasty too.

Original poster

PastaOfMuppets · 04/04/2017 06:26

You all are fantastic. Helped me to stay calm and focus on what's really going on, rather than getting upset or angry.

He has just sheepishly come to apologise. He said he felt bad when he realised he had only bought one for himself and knew he couldn't eat it. I think stress is getting to him and this wasn't ever about a kebab.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your insights.

OP posts:

OhWotIsItThisTime · 04/04/2017 06:26

So in his world, what you said made him feel bad, therefore it is all your fault? Rather than him admitting he was a thoughtless arse.

That's an incredibly childish response.

Do not pick up that kebab (can't believe I just typed that!) and don't you dare feel guilty. In fact, Mumsnetters everywhere, if you're ever having blame shifted on to you by a man simply because you have flagged up his bad behaviour, just think 'Do not pick up that kebab!'

CloneClubSestra · 04/04/2017 06:27

Sounds like an underlying issue... but in this instance YANBU - I'd be expecting flowers or chocolate - or a voucher for a kebab at any time

I know a couple who work from home a lot. One likes to make lunch for themselves and considers it a rude inconvenience slavery to make or get lunch for the other. It causes problems.

AlternativeTentacle · 04/04/2017 06:29

I've never had a kebab, never will but what is the usual lunch procedure when you are both working at home? If you both usually sort your own lunches out then it would not be odd, but if one of you usually makes lunch for both of you and that one is usually you, then yes it is very selfish.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/04/2017 06:29

That's good

Trifleorbust · 04/04/2017 06:30

His reaction speaks volumes, however. I don't think this is just about your reaction to not getting a kebab.

WhataHexIgotinto · 04/04/2017 06:31

DH has done this before. He'll go and make himself something to eat and not ask anyone else if they would like something. He just doesn't consider other people in that respect. It's incredibly selfish.

MaisyPops · 04/04/2017 06:38

To be honest, I wouldn't be cross with my DH if this happened occasionally. If it was constant and he knew I liked kebabs I would probably feel a bit churlish bringing it up, but it would start to irritate me and I would say something.
I was thinkinh the same. It might also make a differenve what fhe deal is with getting lunch when you both work from home/arw both in. Some people do lunch togther, others ita more each person would help themselves when they want.

His reaction speaks volumes, however. I don't think this is just about your reaction to not getting a kebab.
I wondered this too.

I also wonder (based on OP) saying she always does treats etc whether therea jisy different expectations of how ifteb they do things e.g. takeaway and treats. If theres an imbalance then maybe the OP was more irritated than they realise, or the DP has overreacted like that hecause they feel thia is brought up a lot.

Im not convinved that because of one overreaction its reasonable to assume the partner is a twat or an arsehole.

JeanSeberg · 04/04/2017 06:38

Missing the point, I've never known anyone order a kebab sober, never mind in daylight hours!

Original poster

PastaOfMuppets · 04/04/2017 06:45

Thanks Maisy, DH is definitely neither a twat nor an arsehole. He basically does all the cooking, and if we are both working from home and he wants to go out for food, it's not like he never asks or offers. He was just out anyway and decided he was hungry, and didn't think. I was shocked at his defensiveness - normally he would've said 'oops sorry, want some?' There is an imbalance of treats, but he's not a mean guy and I know he wouldn't have done it on purpose, so I wasn't irritated - there's no way he'd do that on purpose. If he was that sort of a man he'd be an XH I think! No one wants to waste their life on someone who's selfish with food!! (Yes I like eating!!)

OP posts:

Original poster

PastaOfMuppets · 04/04/2017 06:46

JeanSeberg haha, fair enough, but there's a really good kebab place right near the post office.

OP posts:

araiwa · 04/04/2017 06:49

before he left the house, did he ask you if you wanted anything at all?

MaisyPops · 04/04/2017 06:52

No one wants to waste their life on someone who's selfish with food!! (Yes I like eating!!)
Me too!

In which case Id just put it down to stress/being busy and maybe your tone was slightly more irritated than you realise. Just a bit of miscommunication.

Nanna50 · 04/04/2017 07:19

I think you both overreacted, yes he could have asked before he left or you could have asked when you knew he was going out. He felt shit when you called him on it, offered you half but you wanted your own and told him he was a bit self absorbed? Maybe at the point of going to the post office he was, so what, aren't we all at times?
Who wants a large kebab for lunch anyway? I'm still impressed that he hit the bin from 30 feet away.

MargotLovedTom1 · 04/04/2017 07:36

We only have one side of the story. He said you make a bit deal out of little things so this could have been a straw that broke the camel's back situation. Also you enjoy doing the little treat things, but presumably that's your choice. I assume he shows he cares in other ways.

Also due to circumstances (DH long hours) I do the vast majority of the cooking in this house. If I sometimes get a snack for myself without asking everyone in the vicinity if I can get them anything then it doesn't make me selfish "WhatAHex*. It's refreshing to not have to cater for anyone else - I do enough of that already!

RhiWrites · 04/04/2017 07:40

Nanna he didn't offer her half. He offered her his meal he'd started eating and she reasonably said no.

MargotLovedTom1 · 04/04/2017 07:41

Disclaimer: I would obviously ask if anyone wanted tea/coffee if I was putting the kettle on.

CadburyMellos · 04/04/2017 07:46

I think you over-reacted to be honest. He bought himself a treat. Surely a grown man is allowed a treat without consulting his wife? Yes he could have rang to ask if you wanted one but he didn't. It's hardly worth getting worked up over.

knackeredinyorkshire · 04/04/2017 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anothertitinthewind · 04/04/2017 08:06

I had a kebab 🥙 last week it was with falafel and halloumi ! A delice!

OnionKnight · 04/04/2017 08:19

I'm on the fence, he's a grown man and he's allowed to buy the odd kebab or whatever without consulting you but on the other hand his reaction was OTT.

I'm another one who is impressed with his accuracy.

confusedat23 · 04/04/2017 08:31

It is just men sometimes OP they are like children and just don't think!

I had a similar argument with DH yesterday. We currently have no fridge/freezer and I am pregnant so super hungry and grouchy about the fact that one of us has to stop on the way home every day to get the dinner.

So I ask him at 4pm what he is thinking for dinner and he tells me he is making himself fishcakes (cannot stomach that at the moment) and that I need to get/make myself something as there was no other food in the house. So I then had to find somewhere to get something on the way home from work (only 1 corner shop) that was only for 1 person so it didn't get thrown away!

Needless to say I got the sulking act... it was rediculous like I had told him off... men just strop when they know they have done something wrong because they know it is wrong... I have learnt just make my point so they understand they have done something wrong and then ignore the sulking and huffing and puffing

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