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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not wear my wedding ring

96 replies

MrsXx4 · 03/04/2017 10:48

Posting for traffic mainly although this is an AIBU convo in our household.

So, first world problem, my engagement ring and wedding ring are both white gold diamond sets - the diamonds go the whole way round on the bands. Hubby gets angry that I take my ER off to shower or to go to sleep, I hate wearing jewellery at home and in bed.

I take my ring off if cleaning, if washing my hands etc. We get married next month and he sat me down yesterday and said that when I have my wedding ring he doesn't expect me to treat it like a regular piece of jewellery, its to stay on my finger - always!

I said fine, but not when I shower, he said 'its not to be taken off its a wedding band!' he is very traditional in this way.

My question is, will my ring get ruined by shampoo or soap? white gold can tarnish cant it? so will wearing it in water...and even swimming etc ruin my wedding ring? I love the idea of keeping it on forever more but would hate myself and him if it gets ruined!

OP posts:

CashelGirl · 03/04/2017 11:37

Maybe you should get a tattoo of his name around your ring finger so even if you do take them off people will still know you are married......

YetAnotherSpartacus · 03/04/2017 11:38

I'd take them off and give them back to him... permanently. He sounds like a controlling arse.

Verbena37 · 03/04/2017 11:38

Gosh, he sounds controlling. Is it a culture thing perhaps?
I don't wear my engagement or wedding ring any more and DH doesn't mind.
He didn't have one as he has very long slim fingers and thought a wedding band made him look girly.

Mine came off after I had the kids when my fingers got bigger then my hand eczema got bad and so now I jus don't bother. Not actually sure I know where they are even.

For us, rings don't make a difference. We are married and the rings were just a nice to have but he doesn't mind if I don't wear them.

GabsAlot · 03/04/2017 11:38

he cant tell u what to do

i take mine off for washing etc my dh doesnt wear his anymore due to his knuckles swelling

mumeeee · 03/04/2017 11:41

I've been married for 32 years and haven't worn my engagement ring for years.
I'm not wearing my wedding ring at the moment as it needs resizing..

I did used to keep it on all the time because I wanted to. DH does take his off and I'm fine with that

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/04/2017 11:42

Dh wears his. I don't wear mine apart from special occasions. I hate the feel of a ring since I became chronically ill and dh doesn't mind.

Wdigin2this · 03/04/2017 11:44

That's an awful lot of fuss over some jewellery.....why is he so adamant about it? I'd be a bit concerned about that!

HelenaGWells · 03/04/2017 11:47

If it's white gold you will have to take it off to get it replated every few years as they naturally loose colour. You may also have to take it off if you are pregnant. Lots of women (myself included) get badly swollen fingers in pregnancy and rings become too tight and unwearable. You should also be able to take it off simply because you want to.

I've worn mine most days and it has been fine but it is platinum rather than white gold. My white gold engagement ring I don't wear since we got married. When we were engaged I took it off all the time though due to catching it on stuff (and it's only 1 small stone)

Removing a ring to shower and sleep is perfectly normal. The fact he is so insistent that it can never be removed does ring alarm bells I'm afraid. I've never heard of anyone saying this before.

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 03/04/2017 11:47

I'm a nurse so have to take my engagement ring off. What would he do if you had a job where it was compulsory? I never take my wedding ring off though.

MrsLupo · 03/04/2017 11:47

To answer the question you actually asked, OP, my ring is white gold (though no stones) and after nearly 20 years, it hasn't tarnished at all but is quite scratched.

But...I've got to echo pp who think you should be more concerned about your fiance's attitude than your ring. Who wants to be married to someone who cares more about your ring than your comfort? I take mine off constantly - to sleep, to bathe, to cook, to garden, to type, the list goes on and on, and once it's off I often forget to put it back on for days or even weeks. DP wouldn't even notice, still less care, and does the same himself with his ring. If he told me it upset him that I'm not wearing it half the time, I would pay attention to that, but if he ordered me to never take it off I'd tell him to stop being ridiculous and run for the hills. Hopefully you're both just very young and immature idealistic, but I think you should at least think about what people are telling you.

And YABVU to call him your 'hubby' - anyway, but especially when you're not even married yet. Ugh.

CityMole · 03/04/2017 11:48

He sounds nice. In your shoes, I'd be sitting him down to tell him nicely to fuck off.

Personally I don't wear any wedding/ engagement jewellery - it's not for me and I don't need a bit of gold to scare men off or let them know I'm 'taken'. Presumably this is what your fiancé is worried about, i.e. that you'll be beating off other men with a shitty stick as you will be openly available to them if you fail to be branded as his by the wearing of rings. And you want to marry this guy because....?

lazytuesday · 03/04/2017 11:48

wow...... is he genuinely getting angry about you taking your ring off to sleep and shower?!?!? i thought this might be about him getting slightly upset you didnt wear it at work or something... which is still in the realms of dickishness but not nearly on this level. Are you sure you want to marry this man who seems to think he has a right to dictate what you wear essentially?? If you do really want to marry him id honestly have a word with him and make sure that he understands that marriage does not mean he owns your body now. (if it were me id run for the hills, this is not a sign he will be an understanding or compassionate husband during your marriage)

SerialReJoiner · 03/04/2017 11:49

I have fingers that swell up at the slightest provocation - a warm day, a salty meal, putting on a couple of stone pounds etc. I haven't worn my rings regularly in years. Dh got out of the habit three or four house moves ago, and I haven't seen it since. It's probably long gone.

Doesn't make us less married. I don't really care, and neither does he.

Bloomed · 03/04/2017 11:50

Tell him he needs to upgrade it to platinum? Or better: as others have said, tell him you'll be doing whatever you like with your ring.

ProcrastinatingSquid2 · 03/04/2017 11:52

OP, your partner 'sat you down' to tell you you had to keep the ring on forever... I'd love to know what else in your relationship he thinks he can control. How about suggesting to him that he takes your surname instead of you taking his? Or subverting the wedding and having his mum walk him down the aisle to 'give him away' to you? I bet he'd love that.

lazytuesday · 03/04/2017 11:52

id also like to add that im married and i take my ring off to sleep shower and excercise. My husband has never even commented on it. Marriage is not about showing off that someone has been 'taken off the market' with a ring... its about a committment and promise to be there for each other and help each other throughout your lives together. You DP seems to be failing at the first hurdle here if he cant put your comfort above his need to have a symbol of his claim of you at all times.

MargaretCavendish · 03/04/2017 11:56

Your husband sounds bonkers and controlling, but to answer your actual question: plenty of people do wear their rings constantly (I don't, but people do). It will need replating every few years and if it's got little diamond chips in the band then you'll probably need to replace a couple over the years, but both of those things will happen anyway if you wear it 'nearly all the time' rather than 'all the time'. So good news! You can appease this weird arse of a man! Whether you want to, of course, is another matter.

Stripeymug · 03/04/2017 11:58

I have white gold and diamond ER and Wedding ring, only ever take them off to clean them. I shower in them and everything, I can imagine not wearing them to sleep. I think its fairly traditional to keep wedding ring on all the time, even in surgery.

Isabella70 · 03/04/2017 11:59

We lost ours years ago and didn't bother to replace them, they're only bits of metal. Wear if you want to, don't wear it if you don't want to.

ClaryBeanHorshAndMe · 03/04/2017 11:59

I take it off for sport, during showering etc. Not when I wash my hand in public toilets (too afraid of forgetting it, tbh).

He sounds really twattish and controlling. It's your ring... You get to decide how you wear it. You could decide to put it on a necklace and whilst he may say that he dislikes the idea... He still shouldn't get angry or anything... :/

Xmasbaby11 · 03/04/2017 12:00

I used to take mine off for showers, bed etc but worried I'd lose track of them. Now I wear them 24 hours a day and never take them off. It suits me. After 7 years they still look perfect.

Original poster

MrsXx4 · 03/04/2017 12:01

Ok, maybe he did word it in a bad way! he was in shock I suppose at just finding out I'd carelessly left my ER in a bathroom at a very busy hotel.

I totally get what some of you are saying about value and its silly to have something to stress over if lost, while my engagement ring and my wedding ring are valuable in the monetary sense they are also sentimental to me and us.

He isn't controlling and I'm totally confident that once we are married and I continue to take them off as and when I choose he wont say anything about it - unless of course I nearly lose it again.

I really just wanted to know if it would get damaged if I did try to wear it more often, mainly I wanted to be sure that showering and swimming wouldn't cause damage or discolouring. I will still remove my rings I am sure, sometimes it cant be helped.

OP posts:

RuskBaby · 03/04/2017 12:04

I take mine off before bed and so it is still off for the shower in the morning. I was getting a sore patch under mine until I done this. DH has to take his off too for the same reason although less frequently than me.

Crowdblundering · 03/04/2017 12:05

I take my engagement ring off all the time as it's a large emerald and you should be careful with detergents etc I have got into a habit of taking it off when washing, applying cream etc.

I have a diamond wedding band (getting married this year) and l'll take that off too.

OH only gets annoyed with me as he is worried I will lose them and they cost thousands.

There is no expectation I will wear them and never take them off.

That's a little medieval.

PlinkyTheFairyWitch · 03/04/2017 12:06

I have a diamond and amethyst ER and a white gold and diamond WR. I've lost 5 stones in total from both of them despite taking them off when I go near water as advised by the sales assistant in each of the different shops we bought them from. So yes, you do need to take them off when getting wet or dirty and no, you shouldn't be obliged by your putative husband to wear something you don't want to.

Also, don't buy cheap! It depends on the type of setting - if they're glued in, they'll drop out. You want proper claw settings for security. I'm planning on having mine made into one piece using the metal and stones I have once I have the funds together. But for now, I have holey rings side-eyes H Samuels.

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