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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not wear my wedding ring

96 replies

MrsXx4 · 03/04/2017 10:48

Posting for traffic mainly although this is an AIBU convo in our household.

So, first world problem, my engagement ring and wedding ring are both white gold diamond sets - the diamonds go the whole way round on the bands. Hubby gets angry that I take my ER off to shower or to go to sleep, I hate wearing jewellery at home and in bed.

I take my ring off if cleaning, if washing my hands etc. We get married next month and he sat me down yesterday and said that when I have my wedding ring he doesn't expect me to treat it like a regular piece of jewellery, its to stay on my finger - always!

I said fine, but not when I shower, he said 'its not to be taken off its a wedding band!' he is very traditional in this way.

My question is, will my ring get ruined by shampoo or soap? white gold can tarnish cant it? so will wearing it in water...and even swimming etc ruin my wedding ring? I love the idea of keeping it on forever more but would hate myself and him if it gets ruined!

OP posts:

angeldiver · 03/04/2017 11:17

worra

gamerchick · 03/04/2017 11:17

I think wedding bands are different to a ring with a sticky up stone tbh. You do get used to having it on all the time. I don't like jewellery either but wore mine for 6 years. I only wear both of them now on a night out.

White gold does lose colour, my husbands never been off and it's not the colour it used to be but it's not damaged.

Megatherium · 03/04/2017 11:17

Take them off. He doesn't get to force you to keep his badge of ownership on 24 hours a day when you've made it clear you find it uncomfortable wearing jewellery when you sleep. If it's more important to him that you wear a piece of metal than that you are comfortable, think carefully about whether you really want to go through with this.

DontLetMeBeMisunderstood · 03/04/2017 11:18

I used to take my rings off whenever I put on my make up or if I was doing something messy/dirty like gardening or preparing raw meat - the engagement ring in particular had lots little nooks and crannies where it could have harboured bits of make up/germs. I had a white gold eternity ring and it discoloured quite a lot when I wore it in a swimming pool. Also, your husband to be needs to come round to the idea that there are times when you have to take your rings off - I wasn't allowed to wear my wedding or engagement ring at work (both had stones in them, work in the NHS), and when I was pregnant I couldn't wear them past around 32 weeks because my fingers swelled. That said, maybe you need to be a bit more careful - my ex was forever losing his wedding ring and it used to annoy the crap out of me because it was simply that he was careless with it (he was careless with the marriage too, that's why he's an ex!)

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2017 11:18

Isn't a discussion about this possible, rather than him telling you what to do? Surely you can understand why we're worried for you.

HotelEuphoria · 03/04/2017 11:18

I don't take mine off, its platinum with diamonds inset, wedding band that is. BUT, if my husband to be said I was never to take it off I would take it off on purpose, actually I wouldn't marry him.

fourandnomore · 03/04/2017 11:19

I never take mine off and do get very dry skin in the area my rings are but I would never wear them if I took them off every time I washed my hands etc and they are not damaged in any way and I do lots of manual tasks all day and get muddy with the kids. The emotional side of it in terms of how he has asked you only you know how to interpret.

Billybonkers76 · 03/04/2017 11:19

I have white gold rings and I only take them off if I'm making something where I have to get my hands in (meat balls, kneading dough etc) and the gym where the weights bar will scratch them. After 10 years, they aren't as bright but they aren't tarnished at all.

Oysterbabe · 03/04/2017 11:20

I'd be telling him to fuck off to be fair.
If it's white gold it will need replating, what will you do then?

user1483387154 · 03/04/2017 11:22

I always took my rings off to cook, to shower and to sleep. I currently don't wear them at all because I have lost weight and they are too big. My husband is fine with this, once my weight has settled I will get them resized and wear them again, but still take them off as I did before.

VladmirsPoutine · 03/04/2017 11:22

FGS! OP you surely must have known you'd be in for a chorus of LTB, he's controlling, he's a twat and so forth..
The ring will need maintenance as the years go by but no reason to not wear them for fear of damaging them. I never wear any jewellery in bed or showering.
I wish you and your DP happiness and a wonderful marriage!

Jennsdiaries · 03/04/2017 11:23

If I caught my man out on the lash without his wedding bracelet on id cut off his balls and have em as earrings

youngestisapsycho · 03/04/2017 11:24

I hardly wear my wedding and engagement rings as they are tight on me... DH doesn't really care. I have some cheap rings that look like engagement type that I wear instead so there is usually a ring on my wedding finger. I take them off to sleep and shower though. Cant bear them on all the time. Your DH is being very unreasonable!!

TiredMumToTwo · 03/04/2017 11:24

Both my engagement ring & wedding ring are quite blingy so I only tend to wear them for work or going out at night. I don't wear them at the weekend when I'm hanging out with the kids & the dogs & don't tend to wear them when I've just got a day to myself. Sometimes DH does comment that I hardly wear them but to me I'd rather keep them in good condition, I am no less married with a bare finger.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/04/2017 11:24

I haven't worn my wedding or eternity rings for about 7 years now (married for 10 this June). The reason being that when we moved to Australia, within a very short space of time I started to get sweat dermatitis under my 24ct gold rings (pointing that out to show the purity of the metal, not for show-offy reasons). I also had a mozzy bite on my ring finger, and the combination of that and the sweat dermatitis made the itching terrible, my finger swelled up as well, and I took the rings off until it all healed.
Put them back on - almost instantly the dermatitis started again.
So I put them on a 24ct gold chain and wear them round my neck instead (or did, until DS2 was born and started trying to throttle me with them!)
I rarely wear them now.

But then DH doesn't wear his all the time either - he's a trade engineer, and wary of jewellery around machinery (with good reason) - so often takes his off when he's doing something that could be risky. He doesn't always remember to put it back on either.

I think if someone insists that you have to wear an outward "badge" of your marriage, then they have some level of insecurity about you/the marriage.

Obsidian77 · 03/04/2017 11:27

I take mine off when I'm cooking, gardening, sleeping, caring for young DCs, basically when I want to.
I had to take them off when pregnant because they were too tight, many women do.
Will he be wearing a ring?

liquidrevolution · 03/04/2017 11:28

I would a different ring.

Although to be fair i dont wear my slim plain yellow gold ring. Or my engagement ring. DH not bothered. Its not practical for my work, i hate wearing rings and I fail to see why i need to visually declare my married status.

Your future DH is an idiot to be saying that. Just make sure your rings are insured for loss.

gleam · 03/04/2017 11:29

I took mine off at the wedding reception to show someone. Mil was so shocked! I hadn't realised before then that some people never take them off. Mil told me it shortens your husband's life if you take your ring off, or some such rubbish. 26 years married so far...

My rings go on when I go out and come off when I come back.

Naicehamshop · 03/04/2017 11:30

He doesn't get to issue orders about what you can or can't do, whatever the reason. This is a massive red flag, op. Seriously.

howabout · 03/04/2017 11:31

I lost my wedding ring at the beach when playing with my then toddler - impossible to find instantly. I stopped wearing my engagement ring after I inadvertently scratched DD2 with it. My DH only got his a couple of years after we married because being visibly married was / is(?) good for a man's promotion prospects.

I don't think most people notice these things anymore because lack of a wedding ring is very little indication of whether someone is "on the market".

Your fiance sounds a bit out of touch and insecure.

Seeingadistance · 03/04/2017 11:31

I know you didn't ask about your husband's attitude, but I have to say - it stinks, and I think you should see how it goes if you say to him that you'd prefer not to wear the rings all the time.

RB68 · 03/04/2017 11:31

My fingers swell and recede significantly so generally I don't wear mine at all or only for special occasions. Otherwise I end up having to put them somewhere safe later in the day.

My Mum had to have hers cut off as did my grandmother and they are so thin even though 9ct so harder.

But it does sound controlling to me - at the end of the day if he makes a big fuss tell him you will put them on a chain leaving your hands free.

ElinorRigby · 03/04/2017 11:31

I don't wear a ring. My husband doesn't wear a ring. We've been married nearly twenty years.

My reaction to the post would be whether your husband would prefer something that simply couldn't be removed - like the way prisoners in camps were tattooed.

I also think that marriage is about each person letting the other have space and independence.

thenightsky · 03/04/2017 11:33

Never worn mine in 36 years of marriage. I took the wedding ring off the morning after the wedding when I woke up to find my finger had swollen around it and I was in a lot of pain. I used to wear them occasionally, if getting dressed up for a posh social do or something. Nowadays I cannot get either ring on due to arthritis in my knuckles.

EB123 · 03/04/2017 11:35

I rarely wear my wedding or engagement rings. I have never been a fan of rings, i just find them annoying.
If my husband told me I must wear my rings I would tell him to bugger off.

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