Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS doesn't want to lend clothes to friend

80 replies

Welshgirl2008 · 02/04/2017 22:20

DS's friend has asked to borrow a too he has got for a party- it's a personalised hoodie that DS had for Xmas off his grandad so pretty new.
I asked DS and he doesn't want to lend it. We teach our kids to share so I feel in a difficult situation as DS really feelS strongly.
Aibu to let him not share on this occasion? I feel in a tricky position Confused

OP posts:
BonnyScotland · 02/04/2017 22:57

absolutely not.. your Son is right not to lend his lovely clothes. why the heck should he....

his friend wants nice things.. save up x

Fanciedachange17 · 02/04/2017 22:59

No. Your son should not be made to share his clothing. I'm amazed you even had to ask. What's next? His pants?

Kerberos · 02/04/2017 23:02

Might be worth offering to take the hit for this one. Your son says he's feeling uncomfortable so doesn't want to - but can blame you for it. He gets to save face, and he knows you have his back.

And I'd agree - sharing is one thing - lending is quite something else.

ChasedByBees · 02/04/2017 23:06

Your not in a difficult situation at all. Your DS doesn't want to lend it so it doesn't have to be lent.

Do you have no limits to sharing then? What if someone wants to borrow your house? Sharing with no limits would just make you a doormat surely?

SoulAccount · 02/04/2017 23:21

teaching him to be assertive is equally important.

He has every right, and needs to know how, to say 'sorry, it's my special top and I don't want anyone else to wear it'. Especially to someone being demanding.

Moreisnnogedag · 02/04/2017 23:22

I have to say I don't really agree with all this 'children must share' stuff. As an adult I don't. There's tons of things I wouldn't share with my husband, let alone my friends - I really don't see why it should be different for children.

2rebecca · 02/04/2017 23:35

I agree, apart from situations like sharing toys if a child has come over because an adult wouldn't deliberately do something in front of an adult in their house to make the other adult sharing, so playing with stuff and not sharing isn't on in that situation.
On the other hand if we were out somewhere and a random child wanted a go of something I wouldn't insist on it just as I wouldn't let a random adult have a go of my stuff when we are out.
Agree sharing is a reciprocal thing, maybe not reciprocal at that particular time but to be reciprocated in the near future like let cousin play with your toys when he's over and he'll let you play with his when we're over there.

2rebecca · 02/04/2017 23:36

2nd line should say to make the other adult jealous,

WamBamThankYouMaam · 03/04/2017 09:57

Well, I wouldn't share my clothes with someone else so I wouldn't expect anyone else to either.

Some things are for sharing and some aren't.

DevelopingDetritus · 03/04/2017 10:09

I think he's a cheeky little devil to ask in the first place. Paws off my clothes, thank you very much.

Stormtreader · 03/04/2017 10:11

In my experience, the people that hassle you to borrow something also tend to be the people that never give it back.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 03/04/2017 10:19

Hell no, he doesn't have to 'share' it. It's a special present from his grandad and belongs to him. It's his personal property. It doesn't belong to you, so you don't get to force him to loan it out.
Thats not how 'sharing' works. That's how 'bullying your child and teaching him that his feelings aren't as important as somebody else's' works.

Original poster
Welshgirl2008 · 03/04/2017 10:26

Can I just make it clear that I wasn't bullying my DS or forcing him to do anything! In all honesty I have been really surprised that someone asked and didn't know how to approach it!

OP posts:
Oldraver · 03/04/2017 10:46

I think you need to re-evaluate your concept of sharing...he's not a three year old at playgroup hogging the slide..

As someone upthread suggested, maybe you can take the blame. I think your DS is looking to you to make a decision for him. Especially if he is being pressured and doesn't feel able to assert himself

floraeasy · 03/04/2017 10:46

it's a personalised hoodie that DS had for Xmas off his grandad so pretty new

This is a bit of a special item, with sentimental properties.

If something happened to the top, your DS would be so upset.

I think this one would be the exception that proves the rule.

I wouldn't make him share this. Surely there's something else he could lend out?

foundoutyet · 03/04/2017 10:47

Reminds me of "incident " of dc,who is normally happy to share colouring pens etc at chool. But not a specific new set, as the tips are a bit fragile. Teacher made her share. Tips got broken...

JackieMac77 · 03/04/2017 10:47

Don't know how old your DS is, OP, but it may help if you step in and say no. It's often easier to say "my mum won't let me" at 12 or 13 than "I don't feel comfortable with it" and it gets rid of all that stuff about what mates should do for each other....

Obviously, it's different if he's 22! Grin

PovertyPain · 03/04/2017 10:49

I would suggest to your son that he is very careful if his friend is visiting his home, in the future as he might take it op one himself to 'borrow' the top. He sounds very pushy. Could your son tell him that his mum has said he isn't allowed to lend the top to anyone?

PovertyPain · 03/04/2017 10:51

That's awful Found. The teacher had no right making your daughter share her personal items.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 03/04/2017 11:01

I think it's perfectly acceptable for a child to say 'No' to another child asking to borrow (pretty much) anything tbh. Sharing toys when a friend is there is one thing, lending stuff is entirely different. I would praise him for having the confidence to say 'No'.

Jennsdiaries · 03/04/2017 11:02

No way would I make im do that cos its a hoodie theres a good chance it will be used in crime or stealing and if it's personalize the other kid will pin it on yr kid and he mite end up doin time for it.

SaltySalt · 03/04/2017 11:06

Bit of a leap there jenns

Floggingmolly · 03/04/2017 11:09

I'd hate to be inside your head, Jenns. It must be a very lonely place...

xStefx · 03/04/2017 11:11

Bloody hell Jenns thats one imagination you have there :-)

OP, totally acceptable for your son to say no. If the boy wants it so bad and has been hassling your son for it a little bit then he may "loose it by accident" so he can keep it,. as he is so keen on it.

Shit , jenns your rubbing off on me lol

amusedbush · 03/04/2017 11:16

Fucking hell, Jennsdiaries, that's quite a leap Grin

Swipe left for the next trending thread