To think that I'm not a nice person.

[CherryBlossomBurlap]

Im not BU. I'm genuinely not a nice person.
I want to be, but I'm not.
I'm hoping someone can advise me on how to change.

I'm not headed and quick to bite back if I perceve that someone is rude to me. I get huffy. I have to have the last word, especially with my family. I work really hard to stop and bite my tongue. I can be really blunt and a bit too honest. I don't think before I speak and then I regret it and dwell on things for days.

I occasionally say things that I know will hurt people or make them feel stupid and then I hate myself for being nasty.

I sometimes judge people and think I'm... I don't know... better than them? Cleverer than them? That's not ok.

And I'm selfish. When my dad's best friend dies I was gutted because I loved him but I also worried about the impact of would have on my dad and his mental state, and by default what effect that would have on me and my family.

I feel like I don't love like other people. My great Aunt died a few weeks ago and although I was sad for an hour or so I reasoned that she was old and had a wonderful life which she loved and that she had no regrets- that it was 'her time'. That kind of cold logic scared me.

I have a decent amount of good friends and a lovely family but I often feel disconnected from them- even when I'm out or at home with poeple or if I'm at work I often feel like I'm on the outside looking in.

I do feel things on behalf of others- I feel emotinal if friends or family are unhappy so I hope that's my one good point. But I'm often in my own head. Even at work (a skilled profession) I feel a lot of the time like a total fraud- like I don't know what I'm doing, like I haven't progressed or really learned anything over the course of my first year- and I think that's because I just don't concentrate.

I'm also really lazy but that's a whole other thread.

I desparatly want to stop being so unpleasant and selfish. I'd appreciate any advice- or even a flaming.

Thank you for reading this far- I've done this on a whim, I didn't intend the full on stream of consciousness.

"I'm not headed and quick to bite back if I perceve that someone is rude to me."

Nothing wrong with that and is actually expected in many countries in the world. Britain has a bit of a 'don't say anything to upset anyone' culture that causes huge problems that you can see by reading MN. People who were really annoyed by something, but didn't say anything at the time. At least you're honest.

Worrying about your dad when he lost his friend is completely normal and actually quite selfless and it's also quite normal not to be overly sad when an elderly relative dies. It's completely different when it's a younger person.

"I occasionally say things that I know will hurt people or make them feel stupid and then I hate myself for being nasty."

This is the only part you've written that I really don't like. That's being a bit of a bully and I think you should work on that. Does it come from insecurity? Maybe you feel better about yourself if you put others down?

This sounds normal to me - you're just more honest than most. My mum was 96 when she died and I cried at the time and at the funeral but that's about it. I knew it was time for her to go. That's what happens!
I also feel I'm cleverer than people, then plunge into the feeling I'm not only more stupid but much nastier!
I'm sure lots of people go through all this but don't talk about it much. I'm bad at lying - I suspect you are too!

I agree with everyone saying this is normal! And it sounds like me a lot of the time. I vent in my head and think awful things about and towards other people. It happens more when I'm feeling overwhelmed with life in general - it's like a release valve but it can easily turn inward and make you down on yourself like you're describing. Honestly, be kinder to yourself.

You sound exactly like me, too! And I sometimes get miserable and beat myself up about it. But mostly I just think that everyone is pretty similar and if we could all read minds we'd see that most people are generally selfish at heart!

Was just about to say you sound pretty standard to me.

I genuinely didn't expect so many kind words. Thank you.

To answer a few questions, yes I was treated for depression early in 2013.

I don't know why I always need to have the last word. I wasn't particularly ignored as a child- the opposite really. I was the oldest in my family (first child of my parents, first grandchild and cousin both sides). I was in the gifted and talented groups and I was made to feel that I was 'special'. I'm not. I was just older- a September baby.

My only good points would, I think, be honesty and loyalty.

If somebody is wilfully, repeatedly incompetent, and causes problems for you (I assume, like most people, you're encountering this sort of thing at work) then you'd have to be a saint to never say anything that might make them feel stupid.

I'm glad everyone is saying you sound normal because you sound just like me. Phew. I have zero empathy. I'd love to care, I really wish I did and actually feel very envious of people who care deeply and empatheticaly. But I don't and have to pretend and put on a front.
And I say stupid things all the time.
I'm completely unfazed by death and dying (we've all gotta go at some point)
And I forever feel on the outside too

I still think that, on the whole, I am a nice person just in a different way to others. I am calm, peaceful, easy going, unbelievably tolerant of others, will always stick up for anyone and everyone who needs someone to stick up for them. I am kind and have a very happy and positive demeanour. I have many positives and I'm sure you do too.
Focus on your good traits, not your bad.

Falling out wise, no I don't do that. I'll argue with my sister but it doesn't last more than an hour. I'm not one to hold a grudge- I talk about things there and then and that's it.

I briefly did go NC with my mother, but my sister did too, because she was genuinely bang out of order.

The thing is, OP, we can all choose to describe ourselves in either negative or positive terms. I think I'm probably quite a different type of person to you, and I could describe myself thus:

'I am cowardly about confrontation and so tend to seethe and brood and then later get cross about something unrelated. I am two-faced: I will tell someone everything's fine to their face but then complain behind their back.'

Or I could describe myself as diplomatic and concerned about other people's feelings, and you could describe yourself as honest and direct. In both cases the truth almost certainly lies between the two. Very few people are saints or villains. Most of us are muddling on somewhere in between.

I also wonder how old you are? I've got better at saying what I mean and not being passive-aggressive/sulky as I hit my late twenties/early thirties, compared to my late teens/early twenties. I think a lot of the hot-headed young people I knew have similarly moderated a bit in that time. We still have the same traits, but mellowed out.

Honestly if we all verbalised our thoughts i think we'd all be a little unpopular to say the least. If it makes you feel any better i tire of other people V quickly, other people's kids irritate the shit out of me, i can be quite sarcastic but amazingly i have some really good friends (i must keep a lid on things). As for your thoughts on your aunt, people shudder at my look on death, which is, it's happening to us all, if the person had a long and fulfilled life how sad is it really? It's a fact of life. I always remember my wonderful nanna getting to an old age and saying to me "I've had enough now, I'm bloody knackered." I think you sound normal.

None of us are "nice" really. It's a natural instinct to be selfish. But we are socialised to hide it and there are some people who are kinder, more generous and more tolerant (though you could argue that they get something out of this, that glow of self-satisfaction, public recognition etc, which means that they are still doing it for themselves as much as for others).

So I don't think that worrying about how the death of an acquaintance will impact on you and yours, or not grieving a great deal for the death of your elderly aunt are unusual or make you a bad person.

However, being quick tempered, deliberately hurtful, always wanting to have the last word, are tiresome and nasty traits and you do need to sort that out.

And that thing about being on the outside looking in, does sound a bit odd. How old are you? I think sometimes when you are young you can feel a bit like an actor in your own life, feeling like you are putting on a performance for an actual or imaginary audience, particularly now when everything is played out on social media.

Sorry trying to get through everything...

The part about saying things deliberately to hurt others, I mean when there has been an issue or a perceived slight from them. Not just randomly out of the blue IYSWIM

Not that it's an excuse though, I still shouldn't do it.

Well I like the sound of you OP

OP.....

Are you me?!?

I'm 30.

You sound quite normal.
When you rationalized your aunties death I remember feeling very similar with my grandmothers death. She was lovely very generous and very family orientated but the last 5 or so years of her life she was very ill. About a year before her death she went into a nursing home was incomtinent and was very ill had lost her independence and she'd just had enough of life as it was. So I cried and was upset at first but then thought she'd had a good life but was tired of living life as it was latterly but I was actually sad for myself and my mum but my grandma was actually at peace.
I sometimes get annoyed and say things I maybe shouldn't have which I later regret and wished I'd kept my mouth shut.
Don't be too hard on yourself.

Gretchen I'm pretty sure I'm not you, but if I am then I guess that'll explain the 'outside looking I'm feeling!

I'm confused... what was the Question ?

OP I agree with the other posters...don't be hard on yourself. I'm actually the not nice person by telling people what they want to hear...pretending to be happy to please others and hiding my jealousy...as I get older I feel jealous of those around me who have moved on in life while I have gone nowhere. I feel like a fraud... I do care about people around me but I also resent them for not understanding what I'm going through but why should they...they have their own lives and have moved on. To be honest I can't admit my pain as the tears would never stop...I just feel lonely I guess. I have an active social life but I'm numb with loneliness as I get older.
Sorry to hijack the thread but it has helped me...I'm such a people pleaser...I hate it....

Another one saying you sound normal to me. You're focusing on all your 'bad' points though, which isn't great. Everyone has good points and everyone has bad points. Even those people who seem extremely nice have unpleasant traits too. In some ways you sound similar to me actually. I have pretty low self esteem even though I sometimes think I'm 'better' than a lot of people which I find really weird. Do you think you have low self esteem?

Well, you could be me too.

I think some people just hide it better.

Op, you are actually in control of this, this is your personality and you are in complete and total control of how you react to everything

If you want to change things, you can. You are not a victim

Judgemental is not a great personality trait, but I feel everyone is to some degree. I think you need to learn to be kinder to yourself, as well as others

I have a decent amount of good friends and a lovely family If you were such a crow, that woudnt be true

You just sound like you are very honest about your flaws. I'm sure if we all were we wouldn't sound like nice people on paper

Weddingopinion yes I have low self esteem even though I can be so judgemental. I don't know how that even works.

Sugarlost you sound so unhappy. I'm sorry I stirred this up for you