To think that I'm not a nice person.

[CherryBlossomBurlap]

Im not BU. I'm genuinely not a nice person.
I want to be, but I'm not.
I'm hoping someone can advise me on how to change.

I'm not headed and quick to bite back if I perceve that someone is rude to me. I get huffy. I have to have the last word, especially with my family. I work really hard to stop and bite my tongue. I can be really blunt and a bit too honest. I don't think before I speak and then I regret it and dwell on things for days.

I occasionally say things that I know will hurt people or make them feel stupid and then I hate myself for being nasty.

I sometimes judge people and think I'm... I don't know... better than them? Cleverer than them? That's not ok.

And I'm selfish. When my dad's best friend dies I was gutted because I loved him but I also worried about the impact of would have on my dad and his mental state, and by default what effect that would have on me and my family.

I feel like I don't love like other people. My great Aunt died a few weeks ago and although I was sad for an hour or so I reasoned that she was old and had a wonderful life which she loved and that she had no regrets- that it was 'her time'. That kind of cold logic scared me.

I have a decent amount of good friends and a lovely family but I often feel disconnected from them- even when I'm out or at home with poeple or if I'm at work I often feel like I'm on the outside looking in.

I do feel things on behalf of others- I feel emotinal if friends or family are unhappy so I hope that's my one good point. But I'm often in my own head. Even at work (a skilled profession) I feel a lot of the time like a total fraud- like I don't know what I'm doing, like I haven't progressed or really learned anything over the course of my first year- and I think that's because I just don't concentrate.

I'm also really lazy but that's a whole other thread.

I desparatly want to stop being so unpleasant and selfish. I'd appreciate any advice- or even a flaming.

Thank you for reading this far- I've done this on a whim, I didn't intend the full on stream of consciousness.

Society makes us feel like we should all behave in a certain way...like someone mentioned...we're not Jesus!
We have our flaws...I guess we just have to work on them if we want to.

I recognise a lot of what you say, and I am a person who has always worked in caring professions, and is seen as good with peopl, and emotionally intelligent.
You sound very self aware, and also very good at giving yourself a tough time

I am battling the sadness inside but I am so fortunate in other ways. ..I feel so ungrateful at times.
Life is such a struggle at times.
Someone said to me I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up..sometimes I feel like that. .im just having a difficult time..we all have our good weeks and bad weeks.
It's good to know we're not alone in our struggles.
Thanks for the flowers Cherry. I'm going to see my GP.

Cherry most people who are very judgemental have low self esteem, i reckon, because we all abhor seeing our own faults in others- it reminds us of our own failings.
But you have insight and the will to improve yourself so you are basically on the road to sainthood😜.
If you actually really want to change, i suggest think about how someone you respect/love behaves, and try to model your behaviour on theirs...start with small things, maybe a sentence they use which is particularly kind or tactful, and then build from there.
I would also suggest counselling

Everyone feels like this sometimes
The fraud at work this is especially a woman thing and I felt like that for first few years and can feel like that on down days, there's lots of literature about this phenomenon
If it bothered you and is in your head too much Get professional help, shop around not all the help out there is a fit for you,

I really do not have these types of thoughts about people I like and love, really I don't. And I can truthfully say I have never in my life deliberately said something to hurt someone. Like never. I might have unintentionally said something that hurt someone I like or love but I would apologise immediately.

I don't understand this view of the world and I would think you weren't very nice if I was around you behaving like that.

Cherry I'm really lazy too...I think that gets to me..aspiring to be like others who have so much get up and go. Hoovering and putting on the washing machine is an achievement to me lol.

You sound entirely normal to me!!! I am much more suspicious of people who claim to be utterly pure-hearted in every thought and deed - and there are many of them here on mn (luckily not on this thread!)

(or mostly not anyway, I should rtft sorry)

If you are honest and loyal (which you cite as your only good points) - you're already a whole lot nicer than many people

Sorry OP, think I may have been projecting.

Your initial post did ring a few bells with me, but reading subsequent posts, you have self awareness in bucketloads. And I think you sound quite normal.

Sorry I posted to early, I wanted to say that it's not the feelings we have that make us " nice " or otherwise, it's the decisions we make about, and how we manage what we do and say. Your desire to bite your tongue in argument s show you are caring.

There is a Buddhist meditation that develops loving kindness, ( and lots of other positive emotions like patience and warmth) and it I'd also really good for your self esteem, so it sounds right up your street. Google it, or visit your local Buddhist centre, or look on headspace app, where i think it's called Kindness Meditation.

I think you sound like me, too.

When my mum died, obviously I was devastated, but after the weekend that it happened, I went into work. I figured that being in work would stop me dwelling on it...And it did! My help was not required...My stepfather was sorting everything, and lived just a bit too far away to go back and forth to.
I also don't visit the "grave" where her ashes are interred, because , in my head, she's not there. I have my memories of her, I can look at photographs and smile and remember her fondly. People think I'm hard -hearted....I think I'm practical. No point in dwelling on things that can't be changed.

I also need to have the last word , where my family is concerned. Sometimes I drive DH crazy, because I won't let things lie!

I can totally identify with you OP. I have many times thought the same about myself. If one close friend in particular could hear my occasional thoughts about her she would be horrified!
To try and combat this I have made an effort this year to do random acts of kindness. Things like, buy a homeless person a sandwich or give them some change, offer a lift to someone who I wouldn't normally bother, offer to help someone out where in the past I'd have kept quiet. Not huge things I know but it has started making me feel better about myself

sugar, I hope your GP helps you.

OP, I agree that you sound very self aware, which is a positive thing.