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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I'm not a nice person.

65 replies

CherryBlossomBurlap · 02/04/2017 21:19

Im not BU. I'm genuinely not a nice person.
I want to be, but I'm not.
I'm hoping someone can advise me on how to change.

I'm not headed and quick to bite back if I perceve that someone is rude to me. I get huffy. I have to have the last word, especially with my family. I work really hard to stop and bite my tongue. I can be really blunt and a bit too honest. I don't think before I speak and then I regret it and dwell on things for days.

I occasionally say things that I know will hurt people or make them feel stupid and then I hate myself for being nasty.

I sometimes judge people and think I'm... I don't know... better than them? Cleverer than them? That's not ok.

And I'm selfish. When my dad's best friend dies I was gutted because I loved him but I also worried about the impact of would have on my dad and his mental state, and by default what effect that would have on me and my family.

I feel like I don't love like other people. My great Aunt died a few weeks ago and although I was sad for an hour or so I reasoned that she was old and had a wonderful life which she loved and that she had no regrets- that it was 'her time'. That kind of cold logic scared me.

I have a decent amount of good friends and a lovely family but I often feel disconnected from them- even when I'm out or at home with poeple or if I'm at work I often feel like I'm on the outside looking in.

I do feel things on behalf of others- I feel emotinal if friends or family are unhappy so I hope that's my one good point. But I'm often in my own head. Even at work (a skilled profession) I feel a lot of the time like a total fraud- like I don't know what I'm doing, like I haven't progressed or really learned anything over the course of my first year- and I think that's because I just don't concentrate.

I'm also really lazy but that's a whole other thread.

I desparatly want to stop being so unpleasant and selfish. I'd appreciate any advice- or even a flaming.

Thank you for reading this far- I've done this on a whim, I didn't intend the full on stream of consciousness.

OP posts:
titianlove · 02/04/2017 21:23

Tell me what your good qualities are.

You must have good qualities.

You sound relatively normal....

titianlove · 02/04/2017 21:24

do you suffer from anxiety or depression?

TheStoic · 02/04/2017 21:25

Personality disorder...?

Domino20 · 02/04/2017 21:27

I would say that the ability to recognise this behaviour in yourself demonstrates that you are indeed a nice person. If you weren't it wouldn't trouble your conscience. Most of us have an internal monologue that isn't appropriate for general broadcast! Don't be so hard on yourself but if it genuinely bothers you, make small incremental changes. Good luck!

John4703 · 02/04/2017 21:27

If you were totally unpleasant and selfish you would not have written this because you would not care.
You have concerns about how you feel so you are not totally selfish.
Look for the positive in yourself.

Marmalade85 · 02/04/2017 21:29

I've always considered myself to be on the outside looking in, just as you describe. No advice, as I do often prefer to be my own as I lack interest in other people.

blue2014 · 02/04/2017 21:31

Ah you kidding me, you sound mostly just like me and I think I'm lovely Grin

Seriously OP you sound pretty normal to me

elizabethdraper · 02/04/2017 21:36

That all sounds perfectly normal to me!! Does that mean I a horrible person??

I always thought I was rather nice but slightly detached when necessary

spankhurst · 02/04/2017 21:38

Most of your post sounds pretty normal to me. I KNOW I'm cleverer than most people. Grin I have a reasonably prestigious job and, after almost 20 years, still feel like I'm pretending most days. I do OK. Honestly, you sound like sensitive introvert to me - that's no bad thing.

NeonGod73 · 02/04/2017 21:39

You sound normal to me. You are not Jesus Christ who deeply loves everyone no matter what, and nor should you be. You are just not soppy but it's kind of a good thing. If you were too emotional you would feel everybody's pain and your life would be very difficult. But you are not on this planet to do that. It's simply not your job. As long as you have a conscience and care about the closest to you, you'll be fine.
Btw, the logic about your great auntie...it's okay. She wasn't your mum.

Maryhadalittlelambstew · 02/04/2017 21:42

I think an ability to recognise what you perceive to be charater defects and the desire and willingness to change them that shows you're a decent person. Nice is a fairly wishy washy word, its pretty normal to be worried about things you think might affect you and your family. If you feel like you're rude to people when you think they are being rude to you that's normal too but as my nan used to say "two wrongs don't might a right" so I try to either walk away or bite my tongue these days or I'm going to try writing cunt on the roof of my mouth with my tongue as someone else posted on a different post!

Don't be too hard on yourself OP Flowers we're all rude or selfish sometimes in life x

Tweetytwerps · 02/04/2017 21:43

Try not to beat yourself up about it. No one is perfect and what's perfect anyway? If we were all the same life would be boring.

The fact that you have taken the time to write this and reflect on what you think are your weaknesses tells me you care how you are perceived.

The traits you see as being bad, are traits others will want.

fizzingwhizbee · 02/04/2017 21:43

You honestly sound pretty 'normal' (I realise that's not a thing).

But really, I think you're just verbalising a lot of the selfish traits that everyone has but doesn't talk about

I have a small, but close, group of friends. I've been maid of honour for three different people in the last three years. But honestly, if they heard some of my private thoughts, I'd have no friends at all.

I'm incredibly selfish and much more manipulative than I'd like to admit.

We all have things about ourselves we don't like. But as others have said, if you were truly a horrible person, you wouldn't have written this post at all because you wouldn't care

wildpoppiesanddaisies · 02/04/2017 21:45

I'm not sure about the saying things deliberately to hurt people and being so hot headed and quick to take offence.

The rest I agree sounds normal enough.

jimijack · 02/04/2017 21:46

Hmm, you pretty much describe me except you seem to give a shite about being this way......Me, not so much.

You're alright I think, we would probably be good friends, If I felt I was getting something from you Grin

sonjadog · 02/04/2017 21:46

You sound normal. We are all a mixed bag of good and bad points. No-one is always "nice" or "lovely" (thank goodness). If anything, you have unusually good self-awareness.

xStefx · 02/04/2017 21:48

Op, I do some of these things too. I sometimes can't help it. What I do is make an effort to do nice things to make up for it.
For example: I was jealous that my friend had a baby , felt angry and selfish . So because I recognised that it wasn't nice of me to feel that way ( even though I didn't show i felt it to my friend) I I bought her a pamper pack with some nice things she would like in it. I'm trying not to ramble but do you get what I mean?
I'm sure you are a nice person, especially as you recognise your faults.
You sound human! Don't beat yourself up xx

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 02/04/2017 21:51

You're normal or if you're not then I'm unpleasant too.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 02/04/2017 21:59

I think a lot of what you are doing, is basically rationalising, trying to make sense of things, so that you can deal with them.
OP, you are perfectly normal, and not afraid of the truth. Don't be hard on yourself.
In today's world, it doesn't hurt, to have a slightly harder shell.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 02/04/2017 22:01

You don't sound as if you have that high an opinion of yourself. Do you believe attack is the best form of defence? Why is having the last word so important to you, particularly with your family - do you feel your opinion was overridden/shouted down a lot when you were younger?

I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling first and foremost the effect something will have on you and yours, or not falling into devastated grief over the end of a long life well lived - I would perhaps take some of the weeping and wailing people do on social media with a pinch of salt.

MaudLyn · 02/04/2017 22:02

You're exactly like me and I'm amazing

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 02/04/2017 22:04

I don't want to simply echo what others have said about how normal or not you sound in your post, because honestly, based on that one post, I have neither the information nor the confidence to judge. Instead, might it be worth taking some personality tests, perhaps? That way you can start to formulate which bits of your general character are stronger and which bits weaker (bearing in mind that we all have weaknesses). That might give you a clearer picture of things you can work on, and then you can start to look for strategies that will help with those things. The quick-temperedness, for instance - I'd be amazed f there aren't thousands of guides out there on ways to handle that on a day-to-day basis. It might also be worth considering other things - mindfulness (I know, I know, the buzzword of the moment), CBT, mental exercises for responding to certain stimuli, checklists for other possible issues such as depression, and so on.

Additionally it might be worth trying to figure out what the gold standard is that you feel like you should be achieving. If you're going for the notion that you should be the perfect lovechild of Superman and Mary Poppins, then that's probably a little ambitious for anyone and you'll inevitably feel like a crappy failure because you won't achieve really any of it. Make sure that what you're aspiring towards is realistic in the first place.

ClaryBeanHorshAndMe · 02/04/2017 22:10

You sound fine. I don't think there's anything to worry about.

Except for maybe a somewhat... skewed self-image?

DonaldStott · 02/04/2017 22:12

You sound a bit like my sister.

Do you have siblings? I only ask because my sis has fell out at one time or another with all of her family. None of us siblings have fell out.

We are not speaking at the moment because I got fed up and told her some home truths. Sure we will make up in a few weeks, as is the cycle.

Of course it's never her fault, and boy can she hold a grudge.

But you seem to have a lot of self awareness, so I think you can change.

Do you feel like the 'odd one out' in your family?

Qvar · 02/04/2017 22:14

Hey, if my friends could hear my inner voice they'd never speak to me again. Every phone call I get - I think "oh ffs what the fuck does she want now? Piss off!"

And these are people I genuinely do like!