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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay with him for money?

80 replies

Za1ny · 02/04/2017 17:00

I have two kids with my partner aged 3 and 10 months. I am hating life at the minute - constantly indoors with the baby who is quite difficult and he doesn't help at all.

We had a wedding to attend today and he told me to stay home after having a massive argument with me because he managed to break the zip off my daughters dress. Yes that's how useless he is, he doesn't know how to put a dress on a child.

He fucks off every weekend leaving me alone with the baby, he takes my 3 year old with him but doesn't look after her himself he will drop him off to his mother

There is no love in the relationship

I hate him, he hates me. It's as simple as that

He won't leave

I would love to leave him but here's the issue - my parents purchased a house in my name a few years ago when I was in a well paid job. I also gave them money towards the deposit. If I leave him I will be broke as I am not working and I am finding it extremely hard to get another job.

I won't be able to apply for income support / housing benefit etc because of the house in my name

The only thing I'll be entitled to is ctc and CB but how will I survive on that?

I can't go back to my parents there's just no space. And I don't think they want me back either. They don't have much to do with (despite me always helping them financially in the past)

I really hate life at the moment honestly living with him has become a nightmare. I told myself before in 30 I will leave him but by doing so I'll be completely broke

I am looking for a job

Aibu to stay with him just for security (roof Over my head, bills paid for etc) even though I HATE HIM and wish I could just leave and not worry about money ?

I'm obviously not saying that I wish I was on benefits but I have not been successful in any of the jobs I have applied for

OP posts:
Birdsgottaf1y · 02/04/2017 17:05

I think that you need proper benefit and legal advice.

Aside from that, are you just knackered/overworked, or do you think that you do really want the end of your relationship?

Does he say that he wants to be in the relationship?

palebluesky · 02/04/2017 17:07

I sympathise. However, do you mean the house you own is in addition to the one you live in?

Original poster
Za1ny · 02/04/2017 17:08

No I really do want to end the relationship. He has seen how tough things have been for me but has never supported me or helped and just cares about himself.

He works mon - fri then goes to the gym / visits friends / visits his parents so weekdays me and my children don't see him. On weekends, which should be family time, he pisses off and leaves me alone. He just doesn't care.

OP posts:
Original poster
Za1ny · 02/04/2017 17:09

The house I own is my parents house - they pay the mortgage my name was put on it as they couldn't get a mortgage in their name at the time. I don't live there

OP posts:
KateDaniels2 · 02/04/2017 17:10

Is that house half his?

KateDaniels2 · 02/04/2017 17:10

Sorry just not sure if you are married. I presume not?

BonnyScotland · 02/04/2017 17:11

your Partner is living a jolly old life isn't he.....

Original poster
Za1ny · 02/04/2017 17:12

The house is not his. It was purchased before I met him. No we're not married

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 02/04/2017 17:12

Assuming your parents pay the mortgage, can you get house transfered over to their names/get the money back you put in?

At least then you would get housed etc

PinkHeart59156816 · 02/04/2017 17:14

Obviously the choice is yours BUT I personally couldn't live like that, and I think the child will notice the hate you have for each other as they grow and that is not a good environment for any child.

Original poster
Za1ny · 02/04/2017 17:16

My parents haven't been successful in getting the house transferred. They are taking steps to get the house off my name but it's taking forever as I will sell the house to them and they will buy it. This way I will get back some of the money I gave them

It's taking forever though. I don't even know if it will go ahead.

OP posts:
FloatyCat · 02/04/2017 17:17

The key is how you deal with your / your parents house, either you get them to transfer the house/mortgage into their own names, however this will be impossible if they how low income or poor credit. Or you need to sell that house, and you sort yourself out with the equity if any exists. It's a harsh choice.

Original poster
Za1ny · 02/04/2017 17:17

Yes I need to move out especially for the sake of my children but i won't be able to afford to live that's the only problem. I didn't realise it would be this hard to get back into work. I regret leaving my job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Za1ny · 02/04/2017 17:19

My dad has bad credit that's why he is finding it hard to get a mortgage. I was only 21 when I purchased the house so I didn't think of the future and had no idea I would be in this mess

He also promised to transfer the house after a year

He lied

OP posts:
palebluesky · 02/04/2017 17:19

That's tricky.

I think then your parents need to accept you moving back in given that it's due to this you aren't able to move out.

Ellapaella · 02/04/2017 17:22

So if your parents pay the mortgage you don't have to worry about that, is there any reason why your partner won't have to pay maintenance to you if you split up? He still has to pay towards the children's upkeep whether he lives with them or not!
Eventually you will be able to find a part time job and you would have tax credits to top up your salary and presumably you are getting child benefit?

TwentyCups · 02/04/2017 17:23

I would evict your parents and move into the house you own if they won't let you move in with them tbh - the house is yours.

You can't stay living with your ex - and it sounds like he is your ex. You've said living with him is a nightmare and you hate each other. You can't live like that! I think you need to tell your parents that you are separating. There's three options here: you all live together in the house, they buy the house, or they leave the house so you can live in it or sell it.

Good luck.

happypoobum · 02/04/2017 17:27

I would sell your house and leave him.

Dozer · 02/04/2017 17:28

If the house is in your name, doesn't that make you the owner?! You need legal advice on that IMO.

With respect to the relationship, planning to leave - sooner rather than later - seems sensible.

Dozer · 02/04/2017 17:29

Could you not just boot him out and continue living in the house? Claim maintenance.

Allthebestnamesareused · 02/04/2017 17:29

Be careful when you sell the house to them as there may well be a CGT or CTT liability (tax) which you will be liable for not them! You are in more need than them now. If it cannot be sorted they will either have to sell up and rent or support you financially.

Original poster
Za1ny · 02/04/2017 17:30

I've told my parents I am separating so they have taken steps to get the house off my name but it's not as straight forward as we thought it would be. They live in it with my younger brother and sister.

Yes my partner Will have to pay child maintenance,it still won't be enough to cover the basics though...

I was thinking of staying with him for one year so that I can look for a job and try to save a little bit but I'm finding it so hard to live with him

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 02/04/2017 17:32

Dozer I think OP has said she couldn't claim HB etc because she owns another house (where her parents live) and where she is living now with her DP it's probably rented and should couldn't afford rent/HB.

Even if her DP did pay her maintenance I think OP is saying it won't be enough to pay rent and be maintenance (food/bills etc) whilst she is out of work (though she's looking for a job).

Dozer · 02/04/2017 17:33

So where you're living now is a rental in joint names? Or his sole name?

Just move into the house you legally own! No such thing as a house being "in your name": the legal and financial issues arise because it's yours!

Babyroobs · 02/04/2017 17:34

You would be able to get income support , child tax credits and child benefit and your husband would need to pay child maintainence which for two children I think would be around 20% of his net pay.
Income support would be £73.10 per week.
Child tax credits around £120 a week I think.
Child benefit around £34 a week.
Then whatever your ex will need to pay.
Child maintainance will not affect your benefits.
You will get a big discount on your council tax because you are on income related benefits.
You need to add up what this will come to and work out if you can afford to pay the mortgage and live.
When you have been on income support for 9 months you may get some help with paying the interest on your mortgage.
You can stay on Income support until your youngest child is 5 I think but it may be reducing to 3.
If you find a job working 16 hours or more then you might be entitled to working tax creidts, chlld tax credits ( depending on earnings)and help with childcare costs.
You need to speak to a soliciter