To stay with him for money?

[Za1ny]

I have two kids with my partner aged 3 and 10 months. I am hating life at the minute - constantly indoors with the baby who is quite difficult and he doesn't help at all.

We had a wedding to attend today and he told me to stay home after having a massive argument with me because he managed to break the zip off my daughters dress. Yes that's how useless he is, he doesn't know how to put a dress on a child.

He fucks off every weekend leaving me alone with the baby, he takes my 3 year old with him but doesn't look after her himself he will drop him off to his mother

There is no love in the relationship

I hate him, he hates me. It's as simple as that

He won't leave

I would love to leave him but here's the issue - my parents purchased a house in my name a few years ago when I was in a well paid job. I also gave them money towards the deposit. If I leave him I will be broke as I am not working and I am finding it extremely hard to get another job.

I won't be able to apply for income support / housing benefit etc because of the house in my name

The only thing I'll be entitled to is ctc and CB but how will I survive on that?

I can't go back to my parents there's just no space. And I don't think they want me back either. They don't have much to do with (despite me always helping them financially in the past)

I really hate life at the moment honestly living with him has become a nightmare. I told myself before in 30 I will leave him but by doing so I'll be completely broke

I am looking for a job

Aibu to stay with him just for security (roof Over my head, bills paid for etc) even though I HATE HIM and wish I could just leave and not worry about money ?

I'm obviously not saying that I wish I was on benefits but I have not been successful in any of the jobs I have applied for

So you don't want to consider the prospect of keeping the house, moving in yourself and getting a lodger?

How long have you felt the way you have re hating life? Could there be any post natal depression involved? Not saying that what he's doing is OK but could be what is helping with feeling negative about everything.

Also, have you and you partner properly sat down and chatted about what is going on and how you feel? You say he knows how tough it's been for you but does he definitely know this, and can I ask what has been so tough? Not wanting to sound like I'm picking on you but want to understand from your point of you what you think he is ignoring.

From a devil's advocate point of view (because I've had similar with my husband despite me working part time) he may be feeling that all the pressure is on him to keep a roof over your family's head while you sit at home every day. The other thing is, he may think he's helping by taking your daughter out of the house and giving you some time without her. Perhaps his mum wants to spend time with her? I would assume this arrangement of him taking her out of the house came out of some sort of conversation rather than him just taking her and not saying anything to you.

Would you and him go to any relationship counselling? There must have been some love in the relationship not so long ago for you to have another baby so I feel that all may not be lost just yet and it's that you may both harbour some resentment. I may also be wrong but it could be worth exploring the idea first before completely calling it quits? I am also guessing that some of the feeling of lack of love in the relationship is not helped by having two young children. You are both probably knackered and, especially with a difficult baby, probably find it difficult to spend quality time together just the two of you.

With regards to the house you bought for your parents, did you put any contract in place at the outset? How long have you owned the house? You say that it's taking a long time to sort and is more difficult than you thought, do you know why? Have you been chasing things or leaving everything to your parents? If you haven't already, I think you need to take charge of this and get it sorted. If they are unable to get a mortgage and money together to cover the value of the house then, if you still want to move out of the place you share with your partner, then you either need to get them to move out and rent somewhere or move in with them.

As others have mentioned, if it is sold, even to your parents, you are likely to have to pay capital gains tax. You may also be investigated with regards to them paying your mortgage, which could result in you being charged tax on those payments because when you rent a property (which is essentially what you are doing here) only the interest part of the mortgage is tax deductible. You would also have to sell it to them at pretty much market rate otherwise you risk being looked into, especially if you go on to claim means tested benefits because they may see you as getting rid of an asset cheaper than you should have done so when you would have had the means to support yourself. If they believe you have done this and think you have done it in order to get benefits they will more than likely not give you those benefits despite you not having the savings, house (as an asset) or income. This isn't about making it sound worse than it already is but it is information you need to consider and why getting some legal advice or perhaps going to your local Citizen's advice may help you.

I think there are options but you need to consider all of them and work out which is your best plan of action but based on some solid and proper advice. In the mean time, try and get out of the house more with the baby, even if it's just a walk round the block, a quick cup of coffee somewhere during nap time, anything that doesn't make you feel stuck indoors. Do you have any mummy friends you can meet up with and talk to? If it's too hard to get out then maybe ask them round for a cuppa and cake? Good luck with it all and I hope you can be happy again soon.

But she can't really can she as her parents have been paying the mortgage so they will feel that morally they have a right to the house. How are you going to split the increase in value? If you put in £20k you should get that and some of the increase in value.

So you don't want to consider the prospect of keeping the house, moving in yourself and getting a lodger?

Did you not read the bit where the house is the home of her parents and younger siblings? It's not as simple as the house is in the OP's name and therefore she can boot her parents and their children out. If the parents have been paying the mortgage, they will be likely to be found to have a beneficial interest in the home, which entitles them to stay there. It may be that the OP's siblings are under 18 and that may convince a court to postpone sale. From the info she has given, it sounds like the agreement was that it goes in her name due to the parents' bad credit rating but that the house would not be the OP's. Where there is a dispute over beneficial ownership, the court will look to the original agreement.

OP, I suggest getting advice about all of these issues. Additionally, you need to speak to your partner. It may be that if you both want out, you can agree to separate but live under the same roof. Maybe once you both agree it is over, things will improve.

Just to add a little more info, the talk of CGT is because it is assumed the house will have gained in value since you bought it so whether or not you will be liable for any will depend on what this amount is. If you just get your deposit amount back with no interest or additional amount (over the CGT allowance, which is £11,100 for 2016-17) that isn't a gain so it shouldn't be applicable.

The house is not his. It was purchased before I met him. No we're not married

Im not a lawyer, but how i understand it from reading via google:

If your marriage is short (less than five years) then anything you owned before the marriage is not considered as joint property when splitting assets.

However if you have been married for five years or more than the property you had before the marriage as part of the marriage.

Also any time you were living together before you were married is also counted in that five year test.

However if you are going to get the kids, i think you will get a much better than 50:50 split in your favour.

Also transferring assets out of your name probably wont work as the courts would probably see through that when calculating how much each party gets.

Papafran

I didn't say kick her family on the street. I said upthread about her parents considering buying another house.

Presumably for the parents to buy another house they'd need to sell this one first?

OP, your parents can't just "take your name off the mortgage", they will need to get their own mortgage to buy it from you. Do you think that's an option?

southall no, that's incorrect (all of it) although it is true that the court is more likely to keep pre-marital property separate in shorter marriages. Anyway, as you have quote from the OP yourself- they are not married, so any reference to matrimonial property division is meaningless.

I said upthread about her parents considering buying another house

How would they do that? If they could, surely they would have done that in the first place? If they were to buy somewhere, presumably they would need all their share of the equity in the current house.

The agreement with the house was that it would be in my name but it would be their house. I was just helping them as their mortgage fell through. They've been paying the mortgage & put the deposit down, with the exception of the money I gave. I was only 21 and did not think things through, I was living with them at this point so was happy to help out

As for my partner, he knows how I feel but he honestly doesn't care. I can't even write about it anymore as I'm just fed up. I've made various threads about him on here with the consensus being LTB.

Yes I agree that he feels over worked whilst I'm at home however, it's definitely not easy being home and he persuaded me to give up my job.

I can't see myself with him as i don't want my children growing up to see our relationship with the way it is. That being said, he will never change as he sees nothing wrong with the way he is.

His problem is that he does nothing for my children and for myself. The reason he takes my 3yo out is because she asks to go with him and in all fairness she is extremely well behaved. If he wanted to give me a break he would take the baby but he has never looked after her

I think with regard to the house, the best option is to sell it on to my parents. My father is looking in to this and I'm just hoping on the mortgage going through

I guess I'll just struggle for a bit financially and in the meantime continue with job hunting

Sorry, I was harsh before. It wasn't all rubbish, but there are a lot of unhelpful myths out there about marital property division.

If your marriage is short (less than five years) then anything you owned before the marriage is not considered as joint property when splitting assets

No, this is not true. In all cases, courts have a discretion to divide any property according to what is fair. It is guided by a variety of factors. The court considers all property, including pre-owned property, even when the marriage is short. That said, it would be more likely that the court would allow the parties to keep pre-owned property where the marriage is a shorter one, but this will not happen in every case.

However if you have been married for five years or more than the property you had before the marriage as part of the marriage

See above, same principles apply. Some judges also consider 5 years to be a medium length marriage so I am not sure where this magic number comes from.

Also any time you were living together before you were married is also counted in that five year test

It can be according to the case-law and usually is, but the statute refers to the length of the marriage, so not cut and dry I am afraid.

However if you are going to get the kids, i think you will get a much better than 50:50 split in your favour

Not true. I see a lot of posts on here saying SAHMs will always get 70% or something. False. Again, court uses discretion and usually the needs of the parties will be the deciding factor. Sometimes that will be more than 50% but is entirely dependent on circumstances. Also, in children matters, equal time with each parent is becoming the norm.

Also transferring assets out of your name probably wont work as the courts would probably see through that when calculating how much each party gets

This is true. The court can undo any transactions that were done with the purpose of defeating a financial order.

But in any event, it does not matter. Because. They. Are. Not. Married.

There's no such thing as a house "in your name" you have the liability for the mortgage. Are you also listed as the owner? Please seek advice on these matters, to understand the risks / issues and your options.

There's no such thing as a house "in your name" you have the liability for the mortgage

I think the meaning of this phrase is that the person is the legal title-holder. A mortgage company would not grant a mortgage to someone unless they were the legal or beneficial owner, so I think we can presume that the OP also holds the legal title at the Land Registry.

He sounds like an arse and you would be well rid. Now that you've explained the house situation, I understand more. However, the house will have gone up in value so I'd want to know if I could take my share of the equity out plus a proportion of the increase in value when you sell it to your parents. Perhaps your parents can stretch to this and I would want to look into it as it sounds like you'll shortly be going it alone.

Thanks papafran. So since she was 21 OP has had legal and financial responsibilities, and this is now likely to affect her significantly. She mentions that her parents had problems with their mortgage. Important for OP to fully understand / get advice on the position and her options.

If your parents buy the house that is certainly simpler. If you make a profit on it you may have to pay capital gains tax on that profit as you don't live in it but let us assume you will not get back more than you paid for it.

However could you not instead get a full time job? I worked full time with children the age of yours and did not claim any benefits other than child benefit. Yes childcare is expensive but if you are building a career it is worth it. Also could those parents who benefit from your helping them get a home do babysitting or take extra jobs to help you pay the rent or could you move into your own house, your siblings share a room - if it is 3 beds you could have your parents in one room, your 2 siblings in another and you and your 2 children in another?

You are not married so your partner has no claim on the house your parents live in.

Be brave. Stride out on your own. I reckon you'll be just fine. Best wishes x

Did this "hate" happen before you shagged him in 2015. What does he think of you, do you think??

Reported

😴

In February you were married. Now you are not. Which one is it as that affects your options right now.

Hmmmm yes, just AS'd. You were married a few weeks ago....

Being married puts a whole different slant on the house situation.