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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU with this crying young woman?

93 replies

JustWhat · 01/04/2017 21:05

I'm genuinely not sure if I did the right thing here or not. It took me ages to pluck up the courage at the time and now I'm still not sure if it was right or a bit intrusive?

In a coffee shop in a big city today, a young woman was sitting at the next table. She had finished her drink and was in the phone. My DP signalled to me that she was crying. She was on the phone for 10 mins or so and was upset the whole time. Please don't think I was listening in or being nosey, we couldn't hear anything she said as she was too far away, we just saw she was upset. I did hear she didn't have a local accent so wondered if she might be a student in the city. She kept reaching into her back to look for a tissue but didn't have one and was wiping her eyes and nose with her hand. I felt really sorry for her.

She then put the phone down and seemed to be ok and we were about to leave. She then called someone else and got upset again so I nipped to the loo, grabbed some tissue and handed it to her before getting up to leave. I just handed it to her, smiled and mouthed 'hope you're ok'. She smiled back, clearly surprised, but was this intrusive? Will she think we were nosy? I just wanted her to know someone was bothered about her sitting there on her own upset but can't decide if this missed the mark? Was I right or wrong?

OP posts:

AwaywiththePixies27 · 02/04/2017 09:20

I was in the city centre recently when a middle aged lady fell on her way to the bus. Many of us who were just going about our business just stopped what we were doing to help her. I dont know whether it was the shock of the fall or just the sheer kindness of random strangers, perhaps a bit of both, but she burst out crying. One lady produced a tissue whilst I gave her a hug and a bloke came out of seemingly nowhere with a cuppa for her in a proper mug. (he'd gone into the nearby betting shop) whilst we just kept talking to her and keeping her calm.

In todays world which is prominently digital charged and where most people have their heads in their phones, or are in such a rush to get to work/school run/appointments/back home. I think the fact someone who's never met you takes five minutes out of their schedule to check YOU are okay, can mean an awful lot to them.

treaclesoda · 02/04/2017 09:25

Yeah. So long as you also notice other body language such as trying to hide that they're crying etc

But doesn't everyone over the age of about 8 try to hide the fact that they are crying? I don't think I have ever seen an adult who doesn't try to hide the fact that they are upset.

originalbiglymavis · 02/04/2017 09:36

I certainly didn't. Wailed like a banshee.

Murine · 02/04/2017 09:39

It was a lovely thing to do, I'd have appreciated it if it were me.
I suffered with depression when I was pregnant with DD2 and one morning toddler DD1 started wheezing badly, I took her to the car to drive to hospital, only to find DH had taken the car seat to work and I just broke down sobbing.
It all worked out fine (calmed down and got us a taxi) but afterwards some neighbours saw DH and asked "is your wife ok, we saw her get really upset the other day?" Besides feeling mortified, I couldn't help but wonder why they'd not asked me at the time, it would've meant a lot.

Chloe84 · 02/04/2017 09:55

It's British reserve, isn't it?

I think alot of other cultures wouldn't think twice about approaching someone who is upset and wouldn't see it as intruding.

I think most people want to be kind.

DimplesToadfoot · 02/04/2017 09:58

oh for flip sake, I'm too soft, I'm crying reading these posts .. someone pass me a tissue lol

its so blooming lovely, I'm going to make sure I always have tissues in my bag from now on

AwaywiththePixies27 · 02/04/2017 09:59

But doesn't everyone over the age of about 8 try to hide the fact that they are crying? I don't think I have ever seen an adult who doesn't try to hide the fact that they are upset.

A lot of people have been brought upneith the stiff upper lip attitude. Not to cry in public etc so when people do, people often, rightly, make the judgement that something really is not okay and then offer any help or just a hand to hold.

I certainly didn't. Wailed like a banshee

I'm so sorry mavis. If i was there I'd have stopped to give you a hug.

I think some people second guess everything now and it's nice when people just be kind.

Presstheresetbutton · 02/04/2017 10:00

The same thing happened to me in McDonald's.

Young girl crying, dressed in a tiny dress and heels in the dead of winter. Everyone ignored her. I went over and spoke to her. Basic story was that she was in care m, had left her care home with a man who'd driven her 100s of miles away to our town. They'd had a row because she wouldn't have sex with him. He'd smashed her phone and locked her out of her Facebook account. She had no money. She begged me not to phone the police.

I went to the loo to get tissue and called the old bill. They turned up 20 minutes later and took her to the station.

This was about 2 years ago. I still think about her all the time and check her Facebook to see how she's doing occasionally.

treaclesoda · 02/04/2017 10:09

Just to clarify, it's not that I think people should hide the fact that they are upset, there is no shame in being upset about something.

But I just meant that the fact that someone is trying to hide the fact that they are upset isn't in itself an indication that it is intrusive to try to offer comfort, because so many of us have been conditioned into trying to hide what is going on.

boolifooli · 02/04/2017 10:11

You bought a tear to my eye. That's lovely. You're lovely.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 02/04/2017 10:28

I agree completely treacle, I'd have loved someone to show some basic human kindness when I've not been able to hold it together in public.

DevelopingDetritus · 02/04/2017 10:36

A natural human response OP.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 02/04/2017 11:30

I had a huge row with my dick of an ex at a train station about 20 years ago and I got on the train without him. The lady sat next to me handed me some tissues and asked if I was ok. She told me I was young and one day this would seem like a distant memory. How right she was.

Sometimes a few kind words and a tissue can make a huge difference to someone - you were 100% right op.

BadLad · 02/04/2017 11:35

You bought a tear to my eye.

Here, have a tissue from the bog.

Janey50 · 02/04/2017 17:04

OP if you had done that for me on the rare occasion that I've been in a public place,received bad news on the phone and started crying,I would have been touched by your kindness. As it was,people just stared rudely at me or looked the other way.

fzz33 · 02/04/2017 17:09

That was lovely of you

I was on a busy London tube in floods of tears once (not ugly crying luckily, but I couldn't stop crying). Not one person even acknowledged it. Just looked awkwardly in the other direction. I felt like a leper!

originalbiglymavis · 02/04/2017 19:26

That's London tubes. When I was hugely pregnant and going to to work (in a suit) I had the biggest nosebleed in history and no tissues. Noone offered me a tissue or asked if I was ok (it was like Carrie).

threesocksmeghan · 02/04/2017 19:34

Oh no originalbiglymavis that's awful!!!!

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