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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU with this crying young woman?

93 replies

JustWhat · 01/04/2017 21:05

I'm genuinely not sure if I did the right thing here or not. It took me ages to pluck up the courage at the time and now I'm still not sure if it was right or a bit intrusive?

In a coffee shop in a big city today, a young woman was sitting at the next table. She had finished her drink and was in the phone. My DP signalled to me that she was crying. She was on the phone for 10 mins or so and was upset the whole time. Please don't think I was listening in or being nosey, we couldn't hear anything she said as she was too far away, we just saw she was upset. I did hear she didn't have a local accent so wondered if she might be a student in the city. She kept reaching into her back to look for a tissue but didn't have one and was wiping her eyes and nose with her hand. I felt really sorry for her.

She then put the phone down and seemed to be ok and we were about to leave. She then called someone else and got upset again so I nipped to the loo, grabbed some tissue and handed it to her before getting up to leave. I just handed it to her, smiled and mouthed 'hope you're ok'. She smiled back, clearly surprised, but was this intrusive? Will she think we were nosy? I just wanted her to know someone was bothered about her sitting there on her own upset but can't decide if this missed the mark? Was I right or wrong?

OP posts:

RachelRosie · 01/04/2017 21:47

Lovely gesture OP. I'm sure it made the difference to her too.

I always remember struggling with depression when I was 19 and crying in public. An older lady came up to me and gave my hand a squeeze and told me what ever was bothering me, everything would work out in the end. I always remember this gesture fondly 11 years later. It was just what I needed at the time.

I think sometimes people are too worried to "get involved" in these situations so I think you were brave to, ultimately, put your worries and offer this girl some comfort.

AliceKlar · 01/04/2017 21:49

it was a lovely, caring gesture. The sort of thing that makes the world a better place imo.

When my DM was in hospital and suddenly stopped breathing and I screamed for someone to help her, one of the visitors to another patient hugged me as the crash time did their stuff. My DM died a few weeks later but in the midst of so much horrible stuff, I have never forgotten that stranger reaching out to me. And I generally have a hopeless memory.

WorraLiberty · 01/04/2017 21:49

Seriously OP?

I was waiting for the part where you asked her to provide her bank details and mother's maiden name

Someone needed a tissue and you gave them one.

Definitely overthinking.

Etymology23 · 01/04/2017 21:52

I have a health condition that can leave me in a lot of pain and I used to have to try and walk home, I'd be hunched and sobbing with the pain and I always hoped someone would stop and ask if I was okay. I only had to walk a few hundred yards but it seems a very long way when you feel like that and if someone had walked with me or even just asked if I was ok, it would have been a real boost and a distraction.

Valentine2 · 01/04/2017 22:00

You sound like a lovely person op.

AshesandDust · 01/04/2017 22:00

What a lovely human gesture, OP.
If I witnessed kindness like that it
would make my day.

GottaGetThisDone · 01/04/2017 22:02

During a trip to London my DH was taken ill, he just wanted to get home so we caught a train, he was very obviously unwell and in pain. During the 45 minute journey 3 people asked if he was ok, and wished us well, there was nothing I nor anyone else could actually do for him but it actually restored our faith in mankind that strangers checked he was ok so I would say HELL YES you absolutely did the right thing!

Doilooklikeatourist · 01/04/2017 22:04

Men have got no clue
Giving her a tissue was the correct thing to do , and just shoeing empathy

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 01/04/2017 22:06

At college my friend was looking sad in town and a woman brought her tea and cake! We were completely shocked as we didn't know anyone else that had happened to. She was okay in the end.

WillWorkForShoes · 01/04/2017 22:08

That was definitely the right thing to do.

When I was on the met one time, there was a woman just stood there, crying. I caught the eye of another woman and we shared a 'I hope she's ok' look. I asked crying lady if she was OK and other woman passed her a tissue. She said she was ok. But how can you see someone in obvious distress and do nothing?

MrsJayy · 01/04/2017 22:10

People overthink this stuff these days we are wrapped up in not being nosey etc that we forget a bit of kindness goes a long way what you did op was reached out to an upset person and offered kindness it is ok to do that.

LovelyHandcream · 01/04/2017 22:12

OP you were lovely to be kind. I hope my DD is around people like you when shit things happen.

Lalsy · 01/04/2017 22:14

I don't remember much, but I remember the stranger who gave me a tissue more than 25 years ago as I sobbed my way home on the tube after visiting my dying df. You did the right thing.

sheldonesque · 01/04/2017 22:19

I lost it in Marks and Spencer. Properly.

I will be forever grateful to the lady and gent (not together) who held my hand and wiped my tears as I sobbed.

You did a good thing.

MudCity · 01/04/2017 22:21

You did a good thing. I was on the receiving end of this gesture once, many years ago, from a very kind man and remember it to this day.

I also remember a former boyfriend stopping me from doing the same to a young lad who was crying...boyfriend said I was being intrusive....wish I had gone ahead and trusted my instincts though.

Checking that someone is ok shows you care. For a person in distress that can mean a lot.

MidLifeCrisis2017 · 01/04/2017 22:22

DD suffers from severe depression and anxiety. She was alone in a coffee shop and had a complete meltdown. A young woman bought a bar of chocolate and handed it over saying "everything gets better when you eat chocolate". Her mother came over and asked if a hug from a complete stranger would help. We were both so grateful.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 01/04/2017 22:24

My DP says maybe it would seem intrusive and like we were eavesdropping. He told me just to leave it when we were there so it took me ages to actually get round to it.

Not at all. You'd clearly noticed her crying and acknowledged it. You probably made her day a little easier knowing some random stranger actually gave a shit.

OhBlissOhJoy · 01/04/2017 22:34

Even if she did think you were nosing, she's unlikely to have given you a second thought.
I disagree. This was me sobbing in a cafe last week and the waitress gave me a tissue and squeezed my shoulder as she walked past. When I left she said she hoped my day got better. She was being kind. It meant a lot to me.

cowardlycustard2017 · 01/04/2017 22:34

Definitely the right thing to do and I'm sure she really appreciated it- I would!

I once approached a crying girl who was on her own in a big city and asked if she was okay (stupid of me really)- she looked at me, shouted no and walked off. I don't blame her as she was clearly very upset, but I have spent a lot of time anxiously overthinking what I did in approaching her! Your tissue approach was much better.

FairytalesAreBullshit · 01/04/2017 22:37

No not at all, I've had moments of being inconsolable after going to the Drs. It made my day being given a pack of cartoon tissues. It was really thoughtful.

MrEBear · 01/04/2017 22:49

You cared that is what matters.

I was overdue and suffering with pelvic pain, I hobbled to a seat close to tears in a coffee shop the two ladies at the table beside me checked to see if I was ok. 6 years on and id love to thank them.

Oneiroi · 01/04/2017 22:55

I think what you did was really kind. I once got a phone call while on a bus, informing me that a relative had died. I was crying and had no tissues like the girl you describe and not one person even asked me if I was ok. It made a horrible situation much worse, I felt so lonely and embarrassed. I wish someone like you had been there.

Katie0705 · 01/04/2017 22:56

What a darling you are. If that had been me, I would have been very appreciative of your very kind thoughts and gesture,

Katie0705 · 01/04/2017 23:00

WorraLiberty Why do you have to be so bloody rude?

TinselTwins · 01/04/2017 23:01

If she was sobbing and snotting you were nice
If she was quietly weeping you were intrusive, IMO.
Something from my past hit me out of the blue in a coffee shop recently. I lingered until the tears stopped and phoned a friend to help me to stop crying. I didn't want the people around me to notice, that was why I was lingering until I stopped crying so I could just turn my head downwards and hope nobody noticed.

If I was in a state I'ld have appreciated strangers helping, but it was just tears rolling down my face and I was hanging my head low and hanign my hair over my face IYKWIM and trying to be discrete until the tears stopped and I wouldn't have appreciated anyone ignoring that body language

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